debbiec Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 If two teens are really wanting to get married right out of high school and wanting to attend college, would you still financially help and treat them as a dependent as if they were not married to help them get through college? This is not actually happening (yet) but has been a "what if" discussion at my house with my teen. I really do not know what is reasonable here in this type situation. I know parents that have done things completng opposite: 1. "You are old enough to marry, you are old enough to figure it out on your own financially." 2. "Of course we will help you! That is what parents are for, no matter what age you are." Thoughts ~ ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I'm sure there are many varying viewpoints on this, but my initial thought would be to help with college as planned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I would still help. No marriage needs added stress, and financial stress can take a big toll on a person. If I was in a place to help, I would. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 They will qualify for more financial assistance as a married couple than they would as a pair of unmarried dependents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 As long as I still could help I would. One of my closest college friends was told by her father that she was not allowed to get married until she finished college or she would lose money. But that was because he was a professor there and she got a 90% tuition discount as long as she wasn't married! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexasRachel Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I was 19 almost 20 when I got married and that was it for money from my parents. They helped out sometimes after that, but they stopped paying my rent when I got married. I kind of think if you are getting married you need to not depend upon your parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I have a pair of teen/young adults in my home that are in almost that position. They are engaged but not married. They live here room and board free and we help a little when we can but they are pretty much paying for college on their own. They have been a couple for 4 or 5 years and have known each other since my 18 year old was 9. We also help my married 19 year old daughter a little but she does not live at home. I would help most of my children with whatever they needed if I was able. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary in VA Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 That's a tough one and I think so much would depend on the kids involved. Whishy-washy huh :001_smile: We take the view that you shouldn't plan on getting in a serious relationship until you are fully ready and able to marry. Which in our family means financially able to support yourself. But if the relationship has been developed before that it is a difficult situation. How do you feel about the relationship? How mature are the couple? What do they want to study? Are they going to work during college? What if they get pregnant before they finish their schooling? Are both sets of parents going to be paying for the education, or just one? A lot of factors to consider. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I think that the idea that young marrieds need to be totally financially independent is a cultural norm that often goes unexamined. There have been plenty of places and times where that was not the norm. I tend to think of families as an economic unit, and a support unit, and that includes the extended family. I think there are a lot of advantages to closer ties of that kind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertDweller Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I would help pay. And, we are. Ds went back to school after he was married. He ended up switching schools and changing his goals a bit. We are helping with a portion of it. I know my parents and dh's parents helped us in many ways over the years. I don't see why education should be an exception. It certainly can be a benefit in the long run. I've never been of the idea that you should wait until completing college to get married. I understand the reasoning, but I also know people who've done both. As with anything, as long as I know my ds or dd is making every effort on their part, I'm willing to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I got married at 19 while in college, and I have mixed feelings on the subject of parents help. On the one hand I am stubborn, I found a full time job at the university, and we got free tuition because of it plus dh had money from grants to help us live on. We did fine and figured it out with no help from anyone. OTOH, it would have been nice for our parents to help out with a down payment on a house or a car to help us get started. If we would have waited until graduation things would have been different. I think that should be the deciding factor. Would you help the couple get started if they were college graduates? In other words would you just be mad they were not doing what you want them to or would you not provide any money no matter when they married? If you are asking if you should pay all of their bills and not expect them to work, ummm...no. They need to learn to rely on one another, and that has made our marriage strong IMO. We had to cling to one another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I consider my children's education to be my parental responsibility regardless of their marital status. I would help them within my financial limits to finish their education as planned, I believe a young married couple would have enough opportunities to exercise their new greater responsibilities as a married couple which plans its future even without the added stress of having to finance all of their education. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I would not give them more than I had planned to, like subsidizing an apartment for them to live in with their new spouse if I had thought they would go for the minimum available dorm expenses. But if I had savings earmarked for their education, or had planned to pay for school semester-by-semester, or for books and supplies, of course I would still give them that support. I don't really subscribe to the idea of, "You're married now, good luck!", if you had already planned to do something for them at that time. Yes, you should be able to support yourself if you get married (which is why I wouldn't pay for an apartment, car, etc), but education isn't a necessity of life. If you want them to have it, and you can afford to contribute, you can choose to give them that gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Can they afford an apartment? Is there married housing for freshman? Why can't they get married after college? How are they going to support themselves or do they plan on living with parents? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 (edited) If two teens are really wanting to get married right out of high school and wanting to attend college, would you still financially help and treat them as a dependent as if they were not married to help them get through college? This is not actually happening (yet) but has been a "what if" discussion at my house with my teen. I really do not know what is reasonable here in this type situation. I know parents that have done things completng opposite: 1. "You are old enough to marry, you are old enough to figure it out on your own financially." 2. "Of course we will help you! That is what parents are for, no matter what age you are." Thoughts ~ ? Definitely #1. They're on their own. Period. I also do not believe that parents have any obligation whatsoever to pay for post secondary education. If they wish to do so, that is a gift, not an obligation. No one is entitled to post-secondary education. Edited December 8, 2011 by Audrey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I'm in the #1 camp. Got married at 18, and while planning the wedding my parents made sure that I understood any financial help for school was done. My DH's parents did help pay for his text books. Personally I think once you're married, you're out of your parents' pocket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 (edited) I would help with tuition, but not with daily expenses. If two adults need to desperately get married, they need to have a plan what income they want to live on. However, I consider education expense as something I can not realistically expect them to shoulder and would still be helping to pay for my child's education. I would, however, do my utmost to discourage them from marrying before they have completed their education. I don't see the point of getting married while still in school. ETA: I would much rather help financially with education than pay for an expensive wedding which I consider a waste of money. Edited December 9, 2011 by regentrude Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiebird Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 (edited) I am watching my in-laws go though a situation like this right now. The parents are planning to help- with the wedding as well- however, they plan to spell out ahead of time what they will help with while the new husband and wife are in college. (They will be living at home and attending a local 4 year school.) It's been hard for them to discuss striking a balance between helpful support and the younger ones taking too much advantage. (Like if they are working while in school, but they are blowing all their money on eating out or having fun or spring break trips without helping out with food or a water bill on occasion, that'd make my in-laws mad. If they were just saving it to buy a car or house or something, that wouldn't be as frowned upon.) I think the biggest thing is: a newly wed couple is a brand new family. How long do the parents want to carry the expenses of what is essentially another family, especially if a child comes into the picture? Sure, they are young, but if they feel mature enough to make the decision to wed, then they need to realize they are mature enough to find a balance without taking advantage of the parents. ETA: I know for a fact my BIL and fiance are specifically wanting to get married for TeA because they are waiting, which makes the idea of a baby before graduation a possibility since they are opposed to birth control Edited December 9, 2011 by prairiebird Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I would support my child though school in the same manner I would if they were not married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I don't see the point of getting married while still in school. Companionship, support, sex? I have noticed that often married students are much more focused than unmarried ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 "Of course we will help you! That is what parents are for, no matter what age you are." :iagree: Even at my age, our parents help us out when we need it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 (edited) Up to age 24 (or is it 26? I think it is 24) the FAFSA assumes parents are helping to pay for college....UNLESS the young person is married. Then, only the student's income is looked at...and they can qualify for a lot more aid, etc. So there is that side of the coin. If they are not married, the financial powers that be WILL looking at the parental income/assets when figuring out financial aid. Doesn't matter if you do not intend to pay anything. If the parents make enough that the FAFSA says the expected family contribution is, say, $20,000 a year...then the $20,000 will be expected by the school to be paid by the family and/or student (unless the student is stellar and wins a merit scholarship that covers a whole heck of a lot!). Costs to attend over that FAFSA-dictated amount may be covered by loans, grants, need-based scholarships - depends on the school and how much they want the student. If they marry, then financial aid may be far greater. You can still help (under the table, as it were). Edited December 9, 2011 by JFSinIL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 My parents stopped paying for my graduate school once I got married...dh and I paid for the last year of my schooling. They initially were not going to help pay for the wedding because they had paid for 5 years of schooling for me but once dh and I had planned the wedding completely...on a shoestring budget based on what we could afford, they said at the last minute that they would pay for the reception. That's just how things were for us. If we had the money available, I would help pay even if my kids married though I would be prone to suggest waiting on marriage at that age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I would attempt to treat it the same as I would if dd had a roommate. I'd pay tuition and for her half of the apartment and utilities. Hopefully his parents would be on board also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I would support my child though school in the same manner I would if they were not married. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah C. Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 They will qualify for more financial assistance as a married couple than they would as a pair of unmarried dependents. :iagree: I got married about halfway through college. Once you get married, FAFSA considers you independent and your parents' income leaves the financial aid equation. Since students are invariably poor, all of a sudden they qualify for a LOT more financial aid! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Why would a parent not give the same support to a young married child in college that they would to a single child in college? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I would help as planned. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 It would depend on the child and the future spouse. We have one dc who might make the wrong decisions for the wrong reasons. We've made it very clear that there is college, then marriage, and I truly believe this is in this dc's best interest. Another dc seems to make better decisions. Right now, anyway. We'll see in a few years. :) For our family, I can't see a blanket "We'll pay for your higher education no matter what" working out well for the dc and us parents. I also can't see a "No money for you" (ala the soup nazi) for all dc. Case by case basis, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 We have one child about to be married but still in college, and one who is slowly taking courses over the years who is also married. We are committed to helping them with education costs, if we can, whether they are married or not. If they are not married, we also help with living expenses if we can (dorm, room rental, etc.); we will not do that if they are married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I know one couple who got married in freshman year so they could get more financial aid. I think they sort of wanted to get married at some point, but that def hurried things along. I wonder if they are still together. Hmmm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I'm sure there are many varying viewpoints on this, but my initial thought would be to help with college as planned. :iagree:Unless the spouse was a money-sucking no-good-nik. I mean *really, obviously* bad and wasteful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I would help all that I could. If my ds and his gf get married (they talk about it) we will still help him get through college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 1. "You are old enough to marry, you are old enough to figure it out on your own financially." ---------------------------- I'd (expect to) be wonderfully happy for the two of them, and I would consider them adults capable of taking on their own financial responsibility. My kids have grown up with the idea that you marry AFTER you can pay your own way. For my dd, that means someone who can support her (and it's reasonable that she expect to work also). For my ds, it means he is capable of supporting a wife. Most entry level, post-high school jobs don't qualify. Some teens may be better prepared to earn a living and therefore pay for college while working than others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maus Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I kind of like how my in-laws handled it. They'd set up accounts for each of their kids to help a little with college. The monthly amount was about enough for rent. When DH and I got married just after his third year of college, they cashed out ” his” account and closed it. They gave us the cash to budget for ourselves and that was the end of their financial support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLVD Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Probably not I would want to really discourage marrying that young. I would make it clear that if she did, she was on her own. That is an adult decision and she will be treated as an adult and not a dependent. I'm very pro paying for college but not pro getting married that young. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I'm sure there are many varying viewpoints on this, but my initial thought would be to help with college as planned. me too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLVD Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Companionship, support, sex? I have noticed that often married students are much more focused than unmarried ones. Sure..but you can have all of that without getting married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Definitely #1. They're on their own. Period. I also do not believe that parents have any obligation whatsoever to pay for post secondary education. If they wish to do so, that is a gift, not an obligation. No one is entitled to post-secondary education. :iagree: But we don't live under the American student loan system. Ours is a bit friendlier. If I was going to contribute as a gift because I was feeling pleasantly disposed towards them and had some spare cash, marital status would have nothing to do with the decision. I give presents when I feel like it. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Our deal with our kids.... We will help the kids get through the first 2-3 years of college (associates degree) at the local community college (we live by a well regarded CC) by paying for tuition/books/transportation/living expenses. After that, they can live at home rent free as long as they are full time students in good standing. They will have to pay for tuition themselves, but we may help some with expenses. They will be expected to earn their own spending money (part time year-round-job or summer-full-time-job) but we will provide everything else within reason. 10 years ago, we moved into a university dense area, specifically so the kids would have many educational opportunities. If they pick a major that is not available in our area, we would have to consider if we would help with housing somewhere else or not. It would depend greatly on what options they had in our area vs. outside of the area. If they move out....they move out....free rent, is at home only. If they get married...they move out. The rare exception that I can for see, is 2 full time students who are working and actively saving for a home. I would expect them to pay rent, which would then be turned back over to them when they were ready for a home. I would collect the rent, to make sure the money was spent on the agreed reason and not squandered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I got married at 19 and parents stopped all $ for school. My brothers got support way past that point for school and a car. Yes I believe it is unfair but at the same time I am glad DH and I didn't rely on them for $. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I got married at 19 and parents stopped all $ for school. My brothers got support way past that point for school and a car. Yes I believe it is unfair but at the same time I am glad DH and I didn't rely on them for $. :iagree: My parents didn't wouldn't have paid for my school anyway - they didn't have the money. Gp would have though if I hadn't been married. I've watched him pay for my cousins to go to school, drop out numerous times, three of them are deciding they want school again now (we're talking 30 yo adults) and gpa is paying the monthly living expenses because one used her grant money to buy a new car. It's easy to get sucked into the "it's not fair" pout, but the reality is I can spend time with gp and know that I haven't used and abused his generosity. DH and I made it together and are pretty darn happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I would still help with tuition and books as I feel my kids education is my responsibility (I had them, I owe it to them to get them to a point in life where they can thrive on their own which in this day and age tends to be at least a bachelor's degree). I would not pay for the day to day living expenses. On one level the choice is practical (my taxes would increase since I could no longer claim them). On another is is philosophical (when you choose to marry you are forming a new family as an adult and need to take the responsibility that comes with being an adult). I would want them to sit down and really work through the logistics of getting married. How does it affect financial aid for college? What about health insurance and car insurance (both can be ridiculously expensive and hard to get when you are young and on your own)? What are their living arrangements going to be (does the college have married housing)? If they were adamant I would probably agree but want them to wait until the end of their first year of college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Since I value my children's commitment to following God, I would not base college support on marriage. I think that by encouraging them to put off marriage until some sort of career or educational goal is met, parents can make it very difficult for kids, even good, well-meaning, committed Christian kids, to not give into sexual temptation. (ducking for the tomatoes that will likely be tossed my way.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Why would a parent not give the same support to a young married child in college that they would to a single child in college? "Leave and Cleave." I expect them to start their family separate from mine. Old enough and mature enough to get married? Old enough to support each other. That said, I might give them a big $ wedding gift. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in SJ Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Dh & I put ourselves through college. My parents didn't have the resources to share in the expenses & his parents chose not to help. Neither of us resent our parents for this. We got married halfway through college and it was actually a relief because Dh finally qualified for financial aid. I worked worked 20-40 hours a week for every minute of my college career. That shared experience brought us closer in our marriage. Paying for our education was not an additional stress on our marriage it was a shared goal. Dh was laid off from his job at the grocery store mid-senior year in college. Together we made the decision that he would focus on his engineering senior project and I would work more hours when I could. I was working more than 40 hours a week and carrying 15 units, but you do what you have to do as adults, right? His senior project was so impressive that it led straight to his first professional job. Dh has two siblings. His older sibling did not go to college because the parents wouldn't pay and he didn't want it enough to pay for himself. By the time his younger sibling was ready to go to college dh's parents were divorced so through guilt & manipulation the parents paid for his college education 100%. Both siblings have been bailed out of massive credit card debt ($30K-ish) more than once. Both siblings were given $15K when they got married to use as a down payment on a house or for a honeymoon trip. Dh & I were given no cash for our wedding (I did get a lovely set of tupperware canisters) and we have never asked for money. We are the only ones still married. Dh's grandparents gave each grandchild in college full time $50/ month. Once they got married, if their spouse was also in college full time the money doubled. Except when Dh married me. He stopped getting the money. Do you get the feeling dh's family was not thrilled about his marrying me? It was my religion. 15 years later we were the grandchildren who cared for those elderly grandparents until they passed. I value those years we struggled to get our educations. We had to make hard choices, like not having a family right away. It gave us the feeling that no matter what life threw at us we could handle it together. I would never take that away from my child and their spouse. If they are adult enough to get married they are adult enough to have a financial plan that includes sacrifice to get what they want. If I thought they didn't have groceries, I would send gift cards to a store. If I thought they couldn't pay for books I would offer an early Christmas or b-day present of some of the cost. Just my two cents colored by my experience, Amber in SJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homemaker Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I believ the apron strings should be cut once married. I wouldn't want to interfere with their marriage in that way. That being said, I would give them the cash we saved up for their college as a wedding gift so they could use it for that. However, I would not continue to pay any expenses after that. I do not believe I would tell them "you can't get married until you graduate", I would rather they get married and grow and learn together than feel pressure of the dating relationship and possibly doing "something" they would regret before getting married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Well while I might help, said daughter would have to know she was giving up lawschool since the money for that can only be used if she is unmarried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jann in TX Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 My family was unable to provide support for my college--my dad was a teacher right out of college himself-- 'nough said. My first year of college was paid for with scholarships and grants (1 year only at a high end private university) after that I had to pay my own way through--and needed to transfer to a state university. DH was born with '2 silver spoons' (parents divorced/remarried and very VERY well off). He had a trust fund that paid for his college and living expenses. DH and I were engaged 2 weeks after I graduated high school...I transferred to his university and found some roommates... BAD situation. During Christmas break we decided to go ahead and get married--it was FIL's idea. We did get a summer in Europe for a wedding gift! DH's parents allowed the trust fund to continue. We had a very very modest wedding and I moved into DH's efficiency apartment (smaller than our current master bath!). I worked 2 jobs and attended college full time. DH went to class and played video games... Those years were ROUGH-- the fact that DH had supportive parents for 'his part' and I had to work 2 and even 3 jobs for my part nearly drove us apart. DH dropped out of college his Sr year (he did not like his major) and the trust fund was dropped... He finally took his FIRST job at a grocery store-- after a year of management he decided to go back to school... I had just graduated and now I had to provide FULL support for both of us-- so 2 jobs again (DH could not work with his school schedule)... We survived and after 5 years of marriage I got to stay home and we started our family... DH's first career job was very cushy (or seemed that way to former starving married students). So I supported us 5 years and DH has supported us 22... not a bad trade off! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mum Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 I know that in other cultures and in history individuals married younger and remained fairly attached to their parents-financially and sometimes physically. But, my goal for my children is for them to become independent (barring and physical or mental limitations which would exclude this). There is no magic age for independence, but if a child is wanting to have the privileges of marriage then they should have the responsibility of that. I would pay whatever I had intended to pay toward college before the marriage, but I would NEVER encourage marriage before the end of college to happen. For girls there is a real risk of pregnancy and not completing their education, and for boys those possible children are a big responsibility when you have no income and no education to have a good income. If they are mature and responsible enough to think of marrying then they are also mature and responsible enough to wait until one or both of them has enough education to support being married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.