Parents of adult children...or anyone :)

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Eventually I do have a specific question, but I think explaning the whole backstory is important.

 

My father and I have battled since I legally became an adult (10 years). He's basically tried to parent me for the last 10 years more than he did in my childhood.

 

Some of our arguments: (Keep in mind, I was an adult, living in my own place [was his basement, but nothing shared] with 2 children)

 

-He used to unplug my modem and house phone during the day so I didn't have distractions while cleaning (my place was fine!). He would not plug everything back in until 9pm, but I've always gone to bed at 9!

 

-He is still pushing this Landmark Forum thing.

 

-We had an argument over how to brush dd's hair and he ended it with "Well I pay the bills..." Therefore he's right. :confused:

 

-He pushes everything he does on me; Wants to pass down his ipad (don't want it), is making fun of my pictures since he got into photography, bashes my clothes since he started dressing nicer, etc.

 

-He also believes (because he's said so) that I do things specifically to get on his nerves; Like if I'm watching a movie with, or reading to the kids, I'll turn off all the phone ringers, and he truly thinks I do this JUST to piss him off.

 

-He pushed me to buy a car I didn't want with my own money. Made me install windows vista even though Dell said my computer (optima) was not compatible with vista.

 

-Him and his wife literally laugh out loud when the mention of any of my medical problems come up. Also laugh at my shoes, and the fact that I do not own makeup.

 

-First time I made a big decision without his input was with the kids and school. He doesn't know that ds is homeschooled "for real" but he was against even the public cyber. I made my choice and stuck with it even with all the carp I get from him and his wife on every single visit or phone call.

 

On to the point of the post and poll.

 

I got my tongue pierced when I was 16. He never made me take it out, or commented on it until I was 21 years old and 8 months pregnant with ds.

 

Now he expects me to take it out when he visits (again because I leave it in to piss him off, he says), or when we visit him. I have no problems taking it out to visit him, but in my home, I'd like to leave it.

 

I realize this tongue ring is such a small issue that I should get over it and take it out when he's around, but I think this one issue may be my first step in telling him no. I am adult. I can vote, buy alcohol and cigarettes, can rent a car without the extra charge, can sign legal contracts. I'm an adult.

 

Our cruise is in a couple weeks. I want to leave in my tongue ring.

 

What say the hive?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I'm not in his basement, but 2 kids with disabilities has made it impossible for me to earn a real living wage. In other words, I'm not working. He does pay our rent, and will until we get housing help.

 

I do look monthly for some type of work I could at home, or something extremely local. I'll be taking classes online soon this way as soon as I'm able, I can find a job.

 

His paying my rent is the only thing left that makes me scared to stand up to him (or them). He wouldn't stop paying if I do something "wrong" but he always holds it over me.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Is he going to let you enjoy the cruise if you take it out? Seems like that won't be his only issue. I'd think about it that way.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Is he going to let you enjoy the cruise if you take it out? Seems like that won't be his only issue. I'd think about it that way.

 

It's possible that by leaving it in, I can avoid other conversations, like homeschooling. As soon as it comes up, just open my mouth really big to answer and that'll change the subject! LOL.

[Osmosis Mom]

I vote for taking out the tongue ring. Going to even sound judgmental, but as a parent, why have one??? But then, piercings such as this makes me nauseous. Anyways, some of the issues you mentioned do sound excessive to me. Parents interfere or voice their opinions! I let my adult kids make some decisions, but I have certain things that I would refuse to give in on. I told adult dd to not get another ear hole in addition to her single one, but in the end I would not care if she did insist. However I would balk at a nose ring and would refuse to see her with it, but that is not only because I do not like nose rings, but also because it is looked down upon in Arab culture and not a beautiful thing like in Indo Pakistani circles where many of her friends are from.

 

Sorry this got long. In the end, if you were my friend then I would not tell you I cannot stand tongue piercings (unless you asked) and would still enjoy your company!!

[Julie in CA]

I'm sorry, but I think the crux of the matter is that as long as he is paying your bills, he will look upon some your choices as...immature. Were I in your position, I would either find my own way in the world (which I understand may seem impossible in your circumstances), or I would appease him however I could. A lot of older folks look upon tongue rings as a sign of a "teenager gone wrong", and will never be able to get past that. If you need to rely upon him for money, I think you need to do whatever you can to appear grown up & mature in his eyes.

 

Sorry...:grouphug:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Sorry this got long. In the end, if you were my friend then I would not tell you I cannot stand tongue piercings (unless you asked) and would still enjoy your company!!

 

I would have no problems taking it out when we got together.

 

I don't know why he has such issue with it. He avoids answering the question.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I'm sorry, but I think the crux of the matter is that as long as he is paying your bills, he will look upon some your choices as...immature. Were I in your position, I would either find my own way in the world (which I understand may seem impossible in your circumstances), or I would appease him however I could. A lot of older folks look upon tongue rings as a sign of a "teenager gone wrong", and will never be able to get past that. If you need to rely upon him for money, I think you need to do whatever you can to appear grown up & mature in his eyes.

 

Sorry...:grouphug:

 

Thank you. I'd like to hear all possible opinions. :D

[Osmosis Mom]

Well, listen to Julie. Some is us older peoples have bad associations with piercings. If this is not the hill you want to die on, the respect him and don't wear it in his presence.

[Catherine]

I'm trying to say this gently. You are not independently an adult if he is supporting you. Do I think he's being a jerk about it? Absolutely. But honestly, if one of my adult children was the parent of two children and still dependent on me, I'd feel I had some right to tell them how to live their lives. Hopefully, I wouldn't be such a jerk about it, but there it is. You can't bite the hand that feeds you.

[jennsmile]

Please don't take this the wrong way but it takes 2 to make babies. Why are you not getting child support from dad(s)? Enough to cover rent at least. (I don't need the answer just a suggestion for where else to turn instead of your dad.)

 

I assume in your place you should qualify for HUD, Pell Grants for school ect.

 

Meanwhile could you clean houses, shovel snow, rake leaves, bake bread, tutor special needs kids or something to earn an income. Think outside the box.

[aggieamy]

I'm trying to say this gently. You are not independently an adult if he is supporting you. Do I think he's being a jerk about it? Absolutely. But honestly, if one of my adult children was the parent of two children and still dependent on me, I'd feel I had some right to tell them how to live their lives. Hopefully, I wouldn't be such a jerk about it, but there it is. You can't bite the hand that feeds you.

 

Gently agreeing with this. He's being a jerk about it but since he is paying the bills I'd do it to keep the peace.

[JudoMom]

I'm sorry, but I think the crux of the matter is that as long as he is paying your bills, he will look upon some your choices as...immature. Were I in your position, I would either find my own way in the world (which I understand may seem impossible in your circumstances), or I would appease him however I could. A lot of older folks look upon tongue rings as a sign of a "teenager gone wrong", and will never be able to get past that. If you need to rely upon him for money, I think you need to do whatever you can to appear grown up & mature in his eyes.

 

Sorry...:grouphug:

 

I'm trying to say this gently. You are not independently an adult if he is supporting you. Do I think he's being a jerk about it? Absolutely. But honestly, if one of my adult children was the parent of two children and still dependent on me, I'd feel I had some right to tell them how to live their lives. Hopefully, I wouldn't be such a jerk about it, but there it is. You can't bite the hand that feeds you.

 

:iagree:

[spaceman]

I'm sorry, but I think the crux of the matter is that as long as he is paying your bills, he will look upon some your choices as...immature. Were I in your position, I would either find my own way in the world (which I understand may seem impossible in your circumstances), or I would appease him however I could. A lot of older folks look upon tongue rings as a sign of a "teenager gone wrong", and will never be able to get past that. If you need to rely upon him for money, I think you need to do whatever you can to appear grown up & mature in his eyes.

 

Sorry...:grouphug:

 

Not a mom of grown kids, but I agree with this.

 

I do think it's healthy to have boundaries, and to stand up for yourself, but I personally wouldn't choose to do so (with this) when you still need help.

 

Things like buying a car with your money and installing software on your own computer, unless there was more to the story...I *would* have taken a stance on.

 

But things like your daughter's hair, and your tongue ring...in my opinion...are the things I would cave on to appease the person who was supporting me.

[SkateLeft]

You're not asking my opinion about the piercing, so I won't give it. ;)

 

I don't know if the piercing thing is where I'd start (probably not), but I do think you need to start setting some boundaries with your dad.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thank you all again! Very much.

 

I do qualify for anything mentioned, it's just time consuming (waiting). We're on the housing list, I get child support, ds is on SSI, dd's SSI case is being appealed. The reason everything is taking so long is because he pays the rent, so it counts as income which changes my income bracket. (<---I'm not intending to "blame" him for wait for housing, just that it is what it is).

 

I was really close to taking over the rent, but ds's father was in an accident and stopped child support for 6 weeks. I'd rather leave the rent then have to go asking for a bailout. Although....I could pay him back at the end of the month whatever I can afford.

 

I will likely take it out, and die on the battle of the landmark forum.

[clementine]

My opinion is to take it out. I would hope my dd would do the same if we were in your situation. Just out of respect, especially knowing that it is something that your dad disapproves of. By leaving it in, you are purposely 'pushing his buttons' or trying to show your independence.

 

You depend on him to support you, therefore I believe you owe him the respect of removing it.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

You depend on him to support you, therefore I believe you owe him the respect of removing it.

 

This is honestly my first reaction/thought, but then I wonder how far it extends? Do I have to use the insurance company he says to use? Do I have to use cheaper TP because he says so? Do I have to keep the entertainment center that I can't stand and is too big for the space because he says so (I really hate this darn thing!)?

 

I don't mean the above snarky at all. I'm really trying to figure out how far "I pay the bills" gets him.

[Denisemomof4]

I really hate to say this, but as long as he is helping you in any way at all, he is going to assert power over you, and you are going to somehow feel indebted to him. Your situation sounds very difficult, but I would try everything possible to be self sufficient, and I wouldn't stop trying until you were. Your state may have aid for you or your children that you aren't even aware of.

 

Your father really sounds like a control freak. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.:grouphug: :grouphug: It will be hard doing everything on your own, but you'll also have a LOT more peace.

 

I hope you enjoy your cruise. I don't think I could go with someone like him!

[5LittleMonkeys]

He is paying your rent AND taking you (I'm assuming he's paying for this too) on a cruise? Yes, I think you need to remove it in when you are around him.

 

As for his opposition to it....I may be totally off base here but I always thought that tongue piercings were to enhance oral s*x. If he is under that impression too then I could see where it would make him extremely uncomfortable.

[clarkacademy]

Are your children on disability? Between that applying for housing and any state help you should be able to not depend on him. My son gets disability and with that and their child support I was applicable for government housing right off the bat.

 

Are you seeking child support? If you have a court order for child support and it is not paid again you can apply for help due to that. I have no tolerance for bossy relatives. I am one of the meanest when it comes to "family". If you are also having such medical problems have you been to a doc for disability?

 

I would look at every option possible and maybe it is just me but I sure would not be going on a cruise with people who treat me that way. I would be trying to fix my situation so I could cut ties with those people.

[gardenmom5]

one, take out the tongue ring. even dentists are against tongue rings because they do cause damage to teeth. (removing it will also enhance your ability to get a job. wearing one during an interview will put paid to all but the most liberal establishments.)

 

two, he is paying your rent. you need to get out on your own and pay your own bills asap.

 

three, you REALLY need to read these sites (that have nothing to do with tongue rings):

 

http://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

 

from what you describe, this is your father and you really need to a) see it, and b) learn how to seperate yourself from it.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I have considered applying for disability for myself, but not sure that would be honest.

 

I have an accessory navicular bone on each foot (it does hurt, but it's life.) and limits the shoes I can wear. I can only wear men's sneakers because of width. I'm not into that whole pain=beauty carp, so I'm not willing to deal with extra pain that comes with any type of woman's shoe/sneaker. However, I can physically still work. I just have to find footwear appropriate to that job. On the other side, injury requires a looooooong recovery time.

 

Obstructive sleep apnea. So I sleep with CPAP and that's the end of it.

 

Hasimoto's. I take thyroid meds, and do not eat gluten.

 

Very mild scoliosis. I have exercises from a PT to prevent it from getting worse. When I have more pain or tighness than normal that I can't work out on my own, I go to PT for a few months.

 

Life threatening mold allergy. I don't clean mold, mow the yard, and do everything in my power to avoid it as well as carry an epi-pen. Moving to wet, north east PA was not the wisest decision. :glare:

 

Likely have asperger's, but have obviously dealt with it all of my life. It does explain why I never get my point across to others (communication).

 

Okay, so I have lots of issues, but think I'm capable of work.

 

I'm an EMT with no experience, and have burned bridges at walmart, kmart everywhere.

 

I'm not sure I'm good at much, or at least the things I think I'm good at, I don't have the degree to do them.

 

Maybe I should check out some of those survey sites. I'm good at using the computer!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

one, take out the tongue ring. even dentists are against tongue rings because they do cause damage to teeth. (removing it will also enhance your ability to get a job. wearing one during an interview will put paid to all but the most liberal establishments.)

 

two, he is paying your rent. you need to get out on your own and pay your own bills asap.

 

three, you REALLY need to read these sites (that have nothing to do with tongue rings):

 

http://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

 

from what you describe, this is your father and you really need to a) see it, and b) learn how to seperate yourself from it.

 

Reading (I think) Impish's post with the above links is actually what prompted my thought of piercing vs no on the cruise.

 

If I had an interview where I thought it mattered, I would never leave it in. Unfortunately, I do not have the experience to work at places that it does matter. When I was driving the ambulette, most of the people I picked up actually got a kick out of it. It would prompt conversations about their teenagehood. :001_smile:

[catz]

He is paying your rent AND taking you (I'm assuming he's paying for this too) on a cruise? Yes, I think you need to remove it in when you are around him.

 

 

:iagree: Sorry, but if you are living on his dime, I think you can follow a few of his requests even if annoying. I understand the point that if a parent is giving an adult children money, you should do it strings free. But ultimately, that isn't the case here and isn't likely to change.

 

Honestly, I can't imagine helping my unemployed adult child financially without at least insisting that they are looking for a long term work/income or schooling option. The piercing request is silly, but it could be worse. And I do think asking someone to take out a piercing is different than asking them to change religions.

[Danestress]

You are an adult, but when you are unable to support yourself, you expect your Dad to be there for you. And he is. Because you will always be his baby, even if you drive each other nuts. He could say, "You are an adult. Solve your own problems." But he doesn't, because you are family and he wants you to be ok, and he loves your children. I am assuming a lot, I know.

 

If I were you, I would take the tongue ring out because it bothers your Dad. No, you don't have to. You are, in fact, an adult. But being an adult did not change my desire in some basic ways, to please my father. Some desire to please can be unhealthy, and I can't judge just based on your post. Honestly, it does sound a little unhealthy like you might both need firmer boundaries. But I would cave on the tongue ring. I did a lot of things to make my Dad happy when I still had a Dad. I regret none of them, even if maybe as an adult I should not have cared what my Dad thought.

 

When you don't have a Dad, you no longer have something that was of great value. Not everyone would be willing to pay your rent just because you can't do it yourself. Pretty much anyone else (besides your Mom or grandparents or a really great sibling) would help here and there but not really own the problem. And you don't have to take out the tongue ring just because he gives you financial support. I would want to separate that in my mind. But taking it out because it bugs him would be a kindness that don't have to show him but could choose to because he is your one and only Dad, and Dads can be bossy and unreasonable, but still.....we love them.

[Liz CA]

You are an adult. You now make your own choices. If he does not agree with your choices he does not need to visit you if it bothers him so much that he cannot endure it while visiting. I read your post that you are now in your own place and no longer in his basement?? If I misunderstood this, I would suggest getting out of his house.

:grouphug:

[ereks mom]

I'm sorry, but I think the crux of the matter is that as long as he is paying your bills, he will look upon some your choices as...immature. Were I in your position, I would either find my own way in the world (which I understand may seem impossible in your circumstances), or I would appease him however I could. A lot of older folks look upon tongue rings as a sign of a "teenager gone wrong", and will never be able to get past that. If you need to rely upon him for money, I think you need to do whatever you can to appear grown up & mature in his eyes.

 

:iagree:

 

I'm trying to say this gently. You are not independently an adult if he is supporting you. Do I think he's being a jerk about it? Absolutely. But honestly, if one of my adult children was the parent of two children and still dependent on me, I'd feel I had some right to tell them how to live their lives. Hopefully, I wouldn't be such a jerk about it, but there it is. You can't bite the hand that feeds you.

 

:iagree:

Edited December 8, 2011 by ereks mom

[Spryte]

You are an adult, but when you are unable to support yourself, you expect your Dad to be there for you. And he is. Because you will always be his baby, even if you drive each other nuts. He could say, "You are an adult. Solve your own problems." But he doesn't, because you are family and he wants you to be ok, and he loves your children. I am assuming a lot, I know.

 

If I were you, I would take the tongue ring out because it bothers your Dad. No, you don't have to. You are, in fact, an adult. But being an adult did not change my desire in some basic ways, to please my father. Some desire to please can be unhealthy, and I can't judge just based on your post. Honestly, it does sound a little unhealthy like you might both need firmer boundaries. But I would cave on the tongue ring. I did a lot of things to make my Dad happy when I still had a Dad. I regret none of them, even if maybe as an adult I should not have cared what my Dad thought.

 

When you don't have a Dad, you no longer have something that was of great value. Not everyone would be willing to pay your rent just because you can't do it yourself. Pretty much anyone else (besides your Mom or grandparents or a really great sibling) would help here and there but not really own the problem. And you don't have to take out the tongue ring just because he gives you financial support. I would want to separate that in my mind. But taking it out because it bugs him would be a kindness that don't have to show him but could choose to because he is your one and only Dad, and Dads can be bossy and unreasonable, but still.....we love them.

 

What a good perspective. No, you don't have to take out the ring. But doing so out of love, out of respect, out of just making this man happy... That gives a different spin to the whole situation, doesn't it?

 

None of us have our Dads forever. And, despite the issues we have with them (and yes, it sounds like there are some issues for you to work through)... Showing them we love them is always good.

 

Maybe you can take out the ring for the cruise, as an act of love?

 

That changes it from being controlled by your father, to doing an act of love for your Dad, who despite his faults, is supporting you and loving you in the best way he can.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thank you everyone, again. :)

 

I am going to do everything in my power to get out from under my father financially, and in the meantime, keep out the tongue ring when he's around.

[AK_Mom4]

I voted to take the tongue ring out.... and here is why.

 

If I was going on a cruise and I knew that my tongue ring would really bother someone I was travelling with (even if that someone was a total jerk), I would remove the ring.

 

My grandmother had a *thing* about pierced ears. Only cheap women put extra holes in their head according to her. Out of politeness, because it bothered her, I would remove my earrings when I went to visit her and put them back in when I left.

 

I think the other issues are in a different category, but - yes, I would take out the ring while traveling with them since it is a problem.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My grandmother had a *thing* about pierced ears. Only cheap women put extra holes in their head according to her. Out of politeness, because it bothered her, I would remove my earrings when I went to visit her and put them back in when I left.

 

If he had a reason like above, I'd feel the same. It's everything together.

[Mommyof4ks]

Thank you everyone, again. :)

 

I am going to do everything in my power to get out from under my father financially, and in the meantime, keep out the tongue ring when he's around.

 

That is a great idea. There is a good chance that any employer you have will insist that you remove the tongue ring during work hours, so don't die on this hill with your dad. Most places around here don't let people show tattoos during work hours, and those people get hot when they have to wear long sleeves in 100 degree weather, so it could be worse. ;)

[farouk]

I think the question is actually about a whole lot of other, really unrelated things quite apart from the jewelry/piercing aspect. So anything I might say about the last aspect won't necessarily link in with the other circumstances.

[Little Nyssa]

Well, I was struck by your remark that if you leave it in, the conflict over the ring may spare you a lot of worse conflict during the cruise, over other issues that are more important to you.

[TranquilMind]

I'm not in his basement, but 2 kids with disabilities has made it impossible for me to earn a real living wage. In other words, I'm not working. He does pay our rent, and will until we get housing help.

 

I do look monthly for some type of work I could at home, or something extremely local. I'll be taking classes online soon this way as soon as I'm able, I can find a job.

 

His paying my rent is the only thing left that makes me scared to stand up to him (or them). He wouldn't stop paying if I do something "wrong" but he always holds it over me.

Julie in CA: If you need to rely upon him for money, I think you need to do whatever you can to appear grown up & mature in his eyes.

 

This.

 

As long as you are in his space and he is paying your bills he is going to see you as a child, it seems.

 

I agree it isn't respectful, but he just isn't seeing you as an independent adult because he's paying your bills.

 

You need distance.

 

I'm not understanding the part about him "making you" install Windows Vista or purchase a particular car you didn't want. I can't even make my teen do something. How did he "make you" do this? You can just say no to something like that.

 

But if he is also funding the cruise, you ought to respect his wishes on the tongue thing.

[farouk]

Well, I was struck by your remark that if you leave it in, the conflict over the ring may spare you a lot of worse conflict during the cruise, over other issues that are more important to you.

 

Little Nyssa: I wasn't planning to say more but interesting, yes. Sort of like chaff, in military tactics: throwing up something to occupy the other person's attention, to avoid the person concentrating on something else. I can see that you don't particularly regard the tongue jewelry as a no-no, anyway, right. Kind of pales into insignificance before other issues, I guess. There seem to be all sorts of issues out there with the original poster and the family situation, anyway.

[annandatje]

I disagree very strongly.

 

She is an independent adult in nightmarish circumstances. She is dealing with them in every way possible, but the results of that are delayed.

 

Her intelligence, maturity, and responsibility are no less than they would be if she were making six figures. And, I believe, the respect she is due as a capable adult should be no less.

 

 

 

 

I don't understand this position at all.

 

I think my right extends *only* to whether or not I contribute money (without any commentary even on *why*)

 

Anything else is, imnsho, manipulative and demeans both parties... and damages the relationship in serious ways.

 

I also think there is an enormous difference between an adult child who never moves out, who never takes on adult responsibilities while we continue to support him/her as we did when s/he was a kid and one who has been independent but hit hard times.

 

The former case would be a result of us not setting clear transition expectations, and helping make it happen. The whole situation is intrinsically unhealthy and disbalanced - though I still don't think that exerting control over their personal choices is helpful or healthy or likely to improve the dynamic.

 

...but an adult child who has built her own life and then hits hard times? You really believe that my free choice to help her out gives me any say in her life? Yikes!

 

She *isn't* a "dependent", she's someone I am freely choosing to help out. Putting strings on that is, to me, very wrong and unhealthy.... and profoundly disrespectful.

 

Do you think it goes the other way? That an adult child who chooses to help support her parent financially then has the right to tell him how to dress or to dictate *anything* about his life?

 

Would y'all feel the same way if it were a religious issue? Or a dietary one?

 

If he were telling her not to follow her faith, or trying to compel her into his? If he were try to force her to be (or not be) vegetarian? Were forbidding her to date?

 

Or if the issue went the other way - what if he were trying to require her to get a piercing? Or were objecting to her wearing earrings?

 

 

 

 

Biting the hand that feeds you would lashing out or trying to hurt or harm the one offering you help... not complying with unreasonable demands is not the same thing at all.

 

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

I am in the camp of if your father is paying the bills, I can see him thinking he has some say on things.

[farouk]

I am in the camp of if your father is paying the bills, I can see him thinking he has some say on things.

 

melissaL: In addition, maybe you also think it's a bit of a no-no in any case, do you? quite apart from any other issues that are definitely there.

[Cassy]

I disagree very strongly.

 

She is an independent adult in nightmarish circumstances. She is dealing with them in every way possible, but the results of that are delayed.

 

Her intelligence, maturity, and responsibility are no less than they would be if she were making six figures. And, I believe, the respect she is due as a capable adult should be no less.

 

 

I don't understand this position at all.

 

I think my right extends *only* to whether or not I contribute money (without any commentary even on *why*)

 

Anything else is, imnsho, manipulative and demeans both parties... and damages the relationship in serious ways.

 

I also think there is an enormous difference between an adult child who never moves out, who never takes on adult responsibilities while we continue to support him/her as we did when s/he was a kid and one who has been independent but hit hard times.

 

The former case would be a result of us not setting clear transition expectations, and helping make it happen. The whole situation is intrinsically unhealthy and disbalanced - though I still don't think that exerting control over their personal choices is helpful or healthy or likely to improve the dynamic.

 

...but an adult child who has built her own life and then hits hard times? You really believe that my free choice to help her out gives me any say in her life? Yikes!

 

She *isn't* a "dependent", she's someone I am freely choosing to help out. Putting strings on that is, to me, very wrong and unhealthy.... and profoundly disrespectful.

 

Do you think it goes the other way? That an adult child who chooses to help support her parent financially then has the right to tell him how to dress or to dictate *anything* about his life?

 

Would y'all feel the same way if it were a religious issue? Or a dietary one?

 

If he were telling her not to follow her faith, or trying to compel her into his? If he were try to force her to be (or not be) vegetarian? Were forbidding her to date?

 

Or if the issue went the other way - what if he were trying to require her to get a piercing? Or were objecting to her wearing earrings?

 

 

Biting the hand that feeds you would lashing out or trying to hurt or harm the one offering you help... not complying with unreasonable demands is not the same thing at all.

 

:iagree: This absolutely.

 

I also wonder why this thread has been resurrected all of a sudden :confused:.

 

Cassy

[farouk]

:iagree: This absolutely.

 

I also wonder why this thread has been resurrected all of a sudden :confused:.

 

Cassy

 

Cassy: Hi; so what's the usual timeline for a thread being considered dead? this one was live three weeks ago; I guess some ppl might think it wasn't live enough, I suppose.

[jhschool]

I don't approve of tongue rings--I think it makes you look not as

mature and nice as you probably are.

 

BUT...I don't think anyone should have the right to tell you to take

it out. And I don't think anyone should tell you how to brush your

daughter's hair...or laugh at you...even if they are paying the rent.

[farouk]

I don't approve of tongue rings--I think it makes you look not as

mature and nice as you probably are.

 

BUT...I don't think anyone should have the right to tell you to take

it out. And I don't think anyone should tell you how to brush your

daughter's hair...or laugh at you...even if they are paying the rent.

 

jhschool:

 

Whatever ppl think of them, they seem to be a widespread jewelry among young ppl after the age of 18, aren't they? if they've not had parental permission. Kind of as an alternative to other piercings or a tattoo, maybe, that so many get on leaving high school.

 

Like to say, good, bad or indifferent, they are out there.

[Cassy]

Cassy: Hi; so what's the usual timeline for a thread being considered dead? this one was live three weeks ago; I guess some ppl might think it wasn't live enough, I suppose.

 

Ah, it was you. Nope, there is no particular timeline for any particular thread, but this board moves pretty quickly, and this thread would have been well and truly buried after almost four weeks. When someone brings it up again just to basically say that they've got nothing to add I'm just a bit :confused:.

 

Cassy

[farouk]

Ah, it was you. Nope, there is no particular timeline for any particular thread, but this board moves pretty quickly, and this thread would have been well and truly buried after almost four weeks. When someone brings it up again just to basically say that they've got nothing to add I'm just a bit :confused:.

 

Cassy

 

Cassy: Oh okay. Better to start a new thread sometimes, I guess. This one seems to have livened up a bit, anyway.

[Cassy]

Cassy: Oh okay. Better to start a new thread sometimes, I guess. This one seems to have livened up a bit, anyway.

 

I'd love to read a thread about earrings, nose-rings, tongue-rings, and all those other rings ;). Personally, I just have one earring in each ear. I did have two in each ear once, but the others closed up. As soon as I have some time (post-homeschooling), I'll be off to top up my piercings.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[farouk]

I'd love to read a thread about earrings, nose-rings, tongue-rings, and all those other rings ;). Personally, I just have one earring in each ear. I did have two in each ear once, but the others closed up. As soon as I have some time (post-homeschooling), I'll be off to top up my piercings.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

 

Cassy, Well if this is what you quite like, why not start a thread of your own about such jewelry options, maybe?

[Cassy]

Cassy, Well if this is what you quite like, why not start a thread of your own about such jewelry options, maybe?

 

Oh, but you started it :tongue_smilie:.

[Jennifer3141]

I'm sorry, but I think the crux of the matter is that as long as he is paying your bills, he will look upon some your choices as...immature. Were I in your position, I would either find my own way in the world (which I understand may seem impossible in your circumstances), or I would appease him however I could. A lot of older folks look upon tongue rings as a sign of a "teenager gone wrong", and will never be able to get past that. If you need to rely upon him for money, I think you need to do whatever you can to appear grown up & mature in his eyes.

 

Sorry...:grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

As long as you're taking money from him he is going to treat you like this.