Remind me again why we are not supposed to be friends...

[amy g.]

With our children?

 

The thread about mothers got me wondering about this. There are clearly women here who are great friends with their mothers.

 

Is there a certain age where this suddenly becomes acceptable?

 

Miss Good still has moments of viewing me as the pesky but necessary parent, but Mr. Clever and I have suddenly started moving towards a very close and more equal friendship.

 

For the record, I have never had any problem being the boss and disciplining my children. It just seems like he doesn't need a boss anymore because he is behaving like a well-adjusted, responsible adult. Who wouldn't want to be friends with a person like that?

[kalanamak]

Because some people are unhealthy with their friends, and unburden things they shouldn't, and expect things they shouldn't.

 

I am friends with my son when he is being a friend. When he is doing something damaging to friendship (the other day his judgment lapsed and he was banging on the metal taps with a metal rod. Sounded nice but chipped. Would you smile an a friend who came to your house and banged on your taps?) I am not shy about dealing with it.

[Carrie12345]

Kids should be allowed to move up in rank. ;)

 

I look forward to being friends with my children when it's developmentally appropriate. Right now, for mine, it isn't.

[stripe]

I knew a girl in college who was familiar with very intimate details of her mother's love life. Personally I think that's going too far.

[DawnM]

ICK!

 

I knew a girl in college who was familiar with very intimate details of her mother's love life. Personally I think that's going too far.

[Joker]

I feel that I started become friends with my mom during high school. She could still discipline me if I stayed out too late or didn't do well in school but we also "hung out" more. We could go shopping, out to eat or to the movies and how and what we talked about changed. That's continued and now we live 1,000 miles away from one another but talk and email almost every day.

 

I already see the shift with my older dd. She's way more mature/sure of herself than I was at her age and when we go do something together there's been a difference in how/what we talk about and I'm really looking forward to how that progresses.

 

I've really never understood the you can't be friends with your kids. I've decided that it means you can't be just friends with them but must find a balance between parent and friend.

[simka2]

My mother did this to an extreme until I was 11, then she got married and said, "I am not your friend. I am your mother!"

 

That was the absolute wrong time to try to step into that role. I think my teenage years would have been easier if she had remained my friend instead of suddenly morphing into "Mom."

 

With my younger siblings she started in the mom role and then switched to the friend role around the time she had done the opposite switch with me. There relationship remained very smooth and intimate (in a good way).

 

For what it is worth, she found this even easier with my little brother compared to my little sister. Maybe it is a male thing? ;)

[amy g.]

I thought about the love life part. I guess I'm just a very private person, but I never talk to my adult friends about things like that.

 

Last night Mr. Clever was allowing himself to be baited by Miss Beautiful. In private I told him that in my opinion, that behavior isn't working for him. He agreed. That is how I talk to my friends.

 

I have a girlfriend who is constantly in conflict with her MIL. Every time the subject comes up, I restate that I don't believe her actions are in her own best interest.

 

On the other hand, if he screws up and starts acting like a child, I'm very prepared to go all mean mom on him, so I guess the pp is correct.

 

I'll treat him like a friend along as he is acting like one.

[Danestress]

Some kids make it easy to be more like friends with them. And there are lots of ways friendships can look. What works for you works!

[amy g.]

I don't want to know those detail about my friends either!

[Jenny in Florida]

This is something I struggle with, too.

 

My daughter and I are close, have lots in common and genuinely enjoy each other's company. However, I'm trying to be very careful to stay her mother first. I figure she has lots of opportunities to have friends, but I'm the only mother she's got.

 

Sometimes, the roles of mother and friend conflict. And I have to be very sure that I put the mother thing first.

 

That said, I am really looking forward to a time when she's an adult and I can relax into the friend role.

[Ellie]

Kids should be allowed to move up in rank. ;)

 

I look forward to being friends with my children when it's developmentally appropriate. Right now, for mine, it isn't.

:iagree::iagree:

[ChandlerMom]

I think the mantra, "Your kids have friends, they need a parent" is in response to some parents who use their kids to fill social needs in their own lives (co-dependent), put the kids "liking them" ahead of doing what is in the best interest of the child in the long run, or don't discipline because they are afraid that someday the kids will hate them (most kids will sooner or later tell a parent "I hate you!" and you can't be destroyed by that).

 

I also think that you need to have clearer boundaries with your kids than with your friends (for example, dc isn't the one to complain about dh to, obviously). It does creep me out a bit when I hear mom's say that their dc is their BEST friend. I mean, a BEST friend should be someone with few boundaries and tons of support, and I don't even thing adult kids are up to providing that sort of intimacy or emotional support to their parents, nor should they. And when they are younger...what would you think if a coworker told you that their best friend is an 8yo in their neighborhood?? Like I said, creepy.

 

With kids, I'd define being a friend as treating them as sentient individuals, respecting and enjoying their quirks, uniqueness, and spending time with them and really listening to what they have to say. I think in that sense being their friend helps you be their parent. Your parental authority stems from that bond and ideally mutual respect.

 

I think as long as you always remember you are a parent first and a friend second, that's fine. As they get older I think you spend less time parenting and more time just enjoying their friendship.

Edited December 7, 2011 by ChandlerMom

[Dolphin]

I think the reason that we hear about this, and the problem is, Some people put friendship with their children ahead of parenting them. They don't want to "upset" their child and the friendship.

 

As long as you are a parent first, and will still do what needs to be done, even if you lose the friendship for awhile, you should be fine.

 

I am great friends with my mom, however, even at 36 she is the one who will upset me and tell me when I am doing something wrong.

 

Enjoy is, just remember that boys can also hit that snotty teenage part a little older, so you might lose it for awhile. My cousin got on great with her son, except ages 17-20 when he turned into a little snot:lol:

[jennsmile]

I think we all have seasons in our lives. Right now my kids are kids. Someday I hope I have wonderful grown sons who enjoy coming to visit me with their families. Call for advice to let me know what is going on in life and share recipes. And take care of me in old age.

 

At one time I was the teen daughter who they confided in way too much. They were having issues while I was a teen and I knew to much from both sides. They had issues as I grew up and got married young (19.) It was a hard transition for them to go from friend/child who listened to them to married daughter that sought some of her own space in the world and listened to dh not them. We are back to friends at this point and they love having grand kids over often. They even like dh. But there were a few rough years.

[WishboneDawn]

I never thought of being friends with my kids meaning sharing a lot of personal baggage. I think of it in terms of playing together, sharing interests, that sort of thing.

 

The only friendship I have where a lot of personal and intimate details gets discussed is the one with my husband, otherwise they tend to revolve around shared interests and hobbies like the friendships I have with my kids.

[FairyMom]

I really like my girls and enjoy listening to what they have to say. I am really just mom now, because of their age and stage of development, trying to build a relationship with whoever they are. When they are ready, I hope to have a close friendship like my mom and I have. I was in college when we became "equals" in the friend department. My mom just seems to know when I need mom and when I need girlfriend, even now at 40. :)

 

One thing she tells me all the time is, "Listen to them, Cindie. If you listen to them about, and give importance to, their 'little' things even during a hard day, they will trust you with big things later." She tells me about little things she regrets with me and that has helped me so much now.

[Lady Florida.]

I never thought of being friends with my kids meaning sharing a lot of personal baggage. I think of it in terms of playing together, sharing interests, that sort of thing.

 

 

:iagree: There are many different types of friends. You can be friends with your children and still 1) be a parent, and 2) not share TMI. In fact, I don't really share all my stuff with friends like I did when I was younger. Dh and I share that kind of stuff now. I do have a few friends I could turn to if anything ever happened to my marriage, but I don't think being friends with someone means telling them your every secret.

[Pamela H in Texas]

At this point, I think I'm mostly "the mean mom" with my littles. I can be friendly, gentle, mild, etc most of the time; but I'm really *just* mom. We have a great time and obviously there is more love than correction and all that good stuff. But fact is that we all know that they need to be mindful of their choices and I have to mind them at this point also.

 

Now, sometime between 7 and 12, that drastically changed with my big kids. I'd guess more like 7 or 8 with dd and definitely 11-12 with ds. Then it was much more that I just had to do the pesky mom business on rare occasions; but usually we were buddies :) Of course, it was a gradual thing. And it definitely helped, I think, that our general discipline style is about working WITH a child rather than directing discipline AT the child.

 

Anyway, with kids as big as my older two, I don't want to imagine if we were more "typical." I'm glad we have the relationship we do. I think we set that up back when they were toddlers and I think it worked. I hope to do as well with the littles.

 

ETA: before it sounds like I think I'm just such a great parent, I do think that the child plays a large role in how well it works also. They have choices to make along the way. Just as my path didn't look the same with the two oldest, I don't think it'll be the same with any of the littles either.

[Veritaserum]

Uh yeah. I really don't want to know those details about my parents.

 

Or your in-laws? :lol: My MIL gave me waaaaay too much info on her and FIL. :001_huh:

 

I think that as long as the parent can switch to Mom-mode and doesn't unduly burden children with grown-up problems, a friendship can be very healthy and good. My dad did this well. It allowed me to feel comfortable talking to him about whatever. My mom was very "because I said so" when I was a teen. That did not work for me. I wanted logic, not unilateral orders. My dad logically explained why I wasn't allowed to do X. Even if I disagreed, I understood and could accept their ruling.

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

Friendship is an aspect of my relationship with my parents and my children. Our relationships as parent and child are much more complicated, complex and wonderful. I won't shortchange my parents or my kids by calling them "friends". They are so much more. I don't think it was that one day I reached a magic age where I became friends with my parents but rather our relationship changed to reflect my maturity and independence.

 

Not that I am knocking the value of friendship with the above statement. Friends are wonderful, special people. Mine are often ports in a storm. But the relationship is different. One type of relationship doesn't have to diminish the other.

[gardenmom5]

With our children?

 

The thread about mothers got me wondering about this. There are clearly women here who are great friends with their mothers.

 

Is there a certain age where this suddenly becomes acceptable?

?

 

I have adult daughters. the "not being friends" is that children are CHILDREN, and shouldn't be treated like an adult. (that doesn't mean we can't have fun with our daughters ;)) They also shouldn't be burdend with adult troubles. (so if difficulties are happening, they get a version appropriate to their level of understanding - and aren't there to be a dumping ground.)

 

However, now my daughters are adults, and are more mature and capable, I can have a more equal relationship than when they were teens. I think that that part is also important, because when they have their own households/families/etc., they're/will-be in charge of it - not me. (Unlike some of my relatives), my intention is to work myself out of a job.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have adult daughters. the "not being friends" is that children are CHILDREN, and shouldn't be treated like an adult. (that doesn't mean we can't have fun with our daughters ;)) They also shouldn't be burdend with adult troubles. (so if difficulties are happening, they get a version appropriate to their level of understanding - and aren't there to be a dumping ground.)

 

 

This. I can (and do) hang out with each of my kids at times. We talk about our favorite books, share funny moments in a tv show or movie or talk seriously about certain topics. But my kids drive the content based on what they can handle and understand.

 

My kids do have some idea of my struggles. Just last night, ds14 said to me, "Mom, I hope that you get a good night's sleep so that you won't get sick." Part of me was sad that my chronic illness is so on his mind that he expresses his worry and love for me like this. And part of me was happy that he cares enough about me that he expresses it. But while he's aware of it, I wouldn't unload my own frustrations about my health on him like I do on some occasions (not often) with my adult close friends.

[OLG]

My cousin got on great with her son, except ages 17-20 when he turned into a little snot:lol:

 

Boy, is that spot on!

[Myeightkiddies]

This. I can (and do) hang out with each of my kids at times. We talk about our favorite books, share funny moments in a tv show or movie or talk seriously about certain topics. But my kids drive the content based on what they can handle and understand.

 

My kids do have some idea of my struggles. Just last night, ds14 said to me, "Mom, I hope that you get a good night's sleep so that you won't get sick." Part of me was sad that my chronic illness is so on his mind that he expresses his worry and love for me like this. And part of me was happy that he cares enough about me that he expresses it. But while he's aware of it, I wouldn't unload my own frustrations about my health on him like I do on some occasions (not often) with my adult close friends.

 

:iagree: This is almost exactly what I would have responded with, including the chronic illness.

[Night Elf]

With kids, I'd define being a friend as treating them as sentient individuals, respecting and enjoying their quirks, uniqueness, and spending time with them and really listening to what they have to say. I think in that sense being their friend helps you be their parent. Your parental authority stems from that bond and ideally mutual respect.

 

I like this. I consider my relationship with my children to be sort of on friendship terms, and this description is fairly accurate for me. Maybe the best way for me to describe my relationship with my kids is that I try to treat them the way a friend of theirs would treat them. I do not treat them the way I would treat a peer of mine. I see a big difference betwee the two.

[gardenmom5]

I knew a girl in college who was familiar with very intimate details of her mother's love life. Personally I think that's going too far.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:WAY too far. when I was a teen, I felt like I was the parent of a rebellious teen who would deliberatly do things to provoke her own living mother. :banghead: I also got put in the middle of things I shouldn't even have been aware of when I had no clue how to handle them or extricate myself from them. Our relationship never fully recovered from that.

 

Maybe it is a male thing? ;)

I have adult sons and daughters, so no. it's a personality thing.

 

I think the mantra, "Your kids have friends, they need a parent" is in response to some parents who use their kids to fill social needs in their own lives (co-dependent), put the kids "liking them" ahead of doing what is in the best interest of the child in the long run, or don't discipline because they are afraid that someday the kids will hate them (most kids will sooner or later tell a parent "I hate you!" and you can't be destroyed by that).

 

.

:iagree::iagree: