lailasmum Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 We spent the day with my friend and her autistic son and I just can't get over the nasty comments, dirty looks and grumpy tuts we were getting from people. It was a mixture of elderly people and other parents, it's happened before on other trips out. She is an absolutely amazing mum and her son is a lovely kid who is thriving. He is a bit loud and boistrous and gets a bit carried away with things but nothing terrible and she is always right by his side making sure he doesn't incovenience others. I've heard the nasty comments a few times, always just audible and I can't get over how people are so down right mean and judgmental, I can't even figure out what offends them exactly. They seem to actively wanting their comments to be heard and hurt this mother and child. Why oh why can't people just be kinder and more tolerant? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Where were you? What kind of place? I don't ever say anything however I know about autism. Since you mentioned elderly people, they may be ignorant of it. They may just think it is a mom not controlling a normal kid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 They seem to actively wanting their comments to be heard and hurt this mother and child. That's the worst part of it. People can think whatever they want, and they can be cruel and judgmental IN THEIR HEADS, but to say it so the mom and child can hear it is horrible. We've all had mean thoughts every now and then, and we may have even discreetly whispered something nasty to our husbands or friends about it, but I would hope that most of us haven't been obvious enough about it to let the Person in Question know about it. I have seen people make similar comments about overweight people, poorly dressed people, and just about everyone else under the sun. Some people are just plain mean, and want the whole world to be unhappy with them. :glare: I'm so sorry your friend and her ds have to deal with things like this. It's so unfair, and nothing hurts more than someone saying something hurtful to or about your child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 People are nasty because they weren't raised properly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 :iagree: with the above comment. My comment was not that it wasn't rude, just maybe why it was occurring. Of course, it is very rude and I am sorry you all had to go through this.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailasmum Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) Today was in the cafe at a stately home as we were walking in the grounds. We were in the kids section of the cafe which is off in a seperate little room it shares the same counter and till and its possible to overhear about 4 tables from the adults room. But mostly I have seen/heard it happen at the soft play place we meet at more regularly and there it is always from other parents. Just makes me sad for her that's all, she has enough to worry about without dealing with with this nastiness. Edited December 2, 2011 by lailasmum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Bless you for being a loving and supportive friend! People are nasty and judging because they are ignorant. Unfortunately most kids with autism don't have any physical markers so they often LOOK normal. People assume they are badly behaved due to poor parenting or just because they are bad kids without realizing there is another reason for the behavior. I am quick to inform people if I overhear comments or if I feel a need to say something. I figure if people are going to say something loudly enough for me to overhear I have a right to educate them about autism. Before I became the parent of a special needs child I know I was guilty of behaving that way, too. I was a "Well I'll never have a child who behaves like that . . . " person. It was pure ignorance. I have had plenty of humble pie in the past 14 years . . . Thanks for loving your friend. You could always offer to hand out little autism information cards or say something if you felt led to . . . but your love and support are probably enough. Special needs parents develop a thick skin over time . . . does not mean it does not hurt at times, but, speaking for myself, I have learned to let ignorance go and move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs.W Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Bless you for being a loving and supportive friend! :iagree: (with the rest of the post as well) ;) Once my husband and son were out with a group of people (I think at a baseball game), and my son who has autism was being pretty annoying despite my husband trying to be on top of the situation. He noticed one man in the group looking particularly displeased (he was a friend of a friend), so later my husband approached him and kindly said, "I don't know how much you know about autism...." I would have never been so bold as my husband, but it had a huge impact. That man ended up calling our mutual friend to make sure we knew how sorry he was and that he learned so much from the conversation with my husband. It really made me realize that the rude comments from people are often just because they don't know any better. So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and just ignore the looks. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seraphina Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 When my youngest, who is autistic, was little I dreaded going out in public. I never knew what would set him off and since he was not verbal until he was 4 it was tough. I tried so hard to put on a brave face and tell myself that if people understood they wouldn't judge. I could see from the snide looks on people's faces that they thought I was a bad mom or something. I realized though eventually that people can think what they want and it doesn't really affect me. I know that my son isn't a brat. I often thought about just not taking him out but I am not ashamed of him so I won't hide him away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 :grouphug: My aunt, who is an RN, has two autistic (and two add) grandchildren and she REFUSES to understand that it's not a lack of discipline. Willful ignorance on the part of the adults? I dunno, but I get so sad on behalf of the parents of autistic kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailasmum Posted December 2, 2011 Author Share Posted December 2, 2011 :grouphug: to all those who have had to put up with it. I think I might talk to these people if It happens again, sadly I am sure it will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Yes, I think it is good to talk to people about it. While some choose to remain ignorant, others learn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 This happens to most parents whose kids have a hidden disability. If the child is different looking on the outside, people are kinder. It's a double whammy for those parents: not only do they have more difficulty with their child, but they also have to put up with judgment from those who don't understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 On the bright(er) side, as kids get older, their disability becomes more glaringly obvious to the clueless. I rarely get glares now that my 12 is so big and so obviously autistic. We still get stares, but it's nowhere near as embarassing as the stink-eye we used to get. Now, it's a running joke between dh and I that everyone seems to know us. A lot of people I'm meeting for the first time tell me they know me from somewhere. I don't tell them that they've probably been staring at me at the supermarket. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) :grouphug: i have an aspie, and it goes with the territory because some people are snots. eta: it is true, most often the comments are from ignorance. if they were truly "the kind and gracious person" they usually think they are in their own mind, they'd give the benefit of the doubt that they don't have all the details. Edited December 3, 2011 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I'm sorry about your hard day. OTOH, does it help to remember that the people doing this almost certainly went to public school, so it is something to remember the next time some idiot says that kids need to go to public school to be socialized? LOL, that is how I put up with people like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Munchkins_mama Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I'm sorry that happened. I feel for families who deal with disabilities in any way and I am truly grateful that I have healthy children. How is a outsider to know if it is something like autism, compared to just a completely lazy parent? ( Please don't freak out, I'm honestly trying to understand) I have given the stink eye to many a mother who is not even attempting to control her children. The children are running the show and the mom is doing nothing. Should I assume that if a parent is actually interacting with the child that they are attempting to control the situation? I don't know anyone with an autistic child so I really don't know the ins and outs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I have given the stink eye to many a mother who is not even attempting to control her children. The children are running the show and the mom is doing nothing. Should I assume that if a parent is actually interacting with the child that they are attempting to control the situation? In my personal experience, when my sons start to melt down, I do try to back off as much as possible and get to the car before the worst of the tantrum strikes. But, really, any parent can have a bad day with a neurotypical kid. It's not like my dd has never embarassed me in public. I'd suggest refraining from giving the stink-eye to anyone who you don't know. It could be that the child is sick or tired or hungry or going through a difficult phase or it could be ADD or Autism or a brain injury. Everyone's had their less than stellar moments when their kid is pitching a fit and they need to buy milk, it's just that parents of sn kids get so many more of these moments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) Should I assume that if a parent is actually interacting with the child that they are attempting to control the situation? I don't know anyone with an autistic child so I really don't know the ins and outs. ANY child whose mother is interacting with them should be considered OFF LIMITS for comments. seriously, just doin't make those types of comments and judgements, and you will save yourself a host of embarassment in the future. I have an ASD child, and another who has a related disorder on a much milder scale - I know what he is capable of and what is a stretch for him. I can SEE the signs of stretching, and most parents of ASD kids can "see" the signs, even in other asd kids. If he is stretching himself to his limit to comply with "societal" norms even if falling short of normal, I'm not going to be interacting with him because he's doing the best he can and is within or at least close to acceptable. He's not hurting anyone, he's not being destructive, he's quiet (really big here, vocal stimming is a biggie), etc. but if he isn't a Perfect Little Angel every. single. second., he's had adults pull him aside to tell him what *they* think he should be doing, or that he "needs to be better". even adults who know about his disability have made comments. Or tell me I'm a bad mother. what they don't see, is the effort he puts in, or the progress he's made. while no two asd children are exactly the same, there are typical traits you might want to familairize yourself with so you have a better idea of what you are seeing. It was painful for me to watch a mother censuring her obviously anxiety disordered child for being anxious. (had a good chat about him with her recently - she's now willing to have him evaluated and learn more positive ways of handling him.) I also recently had two younger women, one a SLP, and the other a PT bluntly ask me if he was "on the spectrum". they dealt with asd kids in their training, and they "saw" it in him. eta: I'm on a support list where almost every new mom has a story of the snide comments she, and her child, has heard from strangers, friends and even family. we basically hand her her T-shirt as we've all btdt. Edited December 3, 2011 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finnella Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I'm sorry that happened. I feel for families who deal with disabilities in any way and I am truly grateful that I have healthy children. How is a outsider to know if it is something like autism, compared to just a completely lazy parent? ( Please don't freak out, I'm honestly trying to understand) I have given the stink eye to many a mother who is not even attempting to control her children. The children are running the show and the mom is doing nothing. Should I assume that if a parent is actually interacting with the child that they are attempting to control the situation? I don't know anyone with an autistic child so I really don't know the ins and outs. It's safer to assume that the mother is trying her best and leave things well alone. I know that isn't always the case; I've seen parents trying to reason with two year olds. Since toddlers aren't reasonable by nature, that's rather a waste. Since I now have an SN child, I was blessed by knowing a family at church who had a problem son. Unfortunately with their very limited funds, they were having trouble figuring out what was going on. As I got to know him, his parents, and his two older (and extremely well behaved siblings), I came to realize that something just wasn't right. His parents were trying hard and genuinely confused. They weren't the sort that sit at a restaurant, happily eating while their child runs screaming about, bumping into the wait staff. Knowing them made me rethink the entire issue. I'm much slower to judge now, and I keep those thoughts to myself. I also try very hard not to glare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) ETA sorry about the thumbs down icon there . . . I bumped the button by accident . . . One of the most helpful things someone did for me happened when my son was younger and was melting down at the library while I was struggling with the stoller my youngest was in and encouraging my oldest to come along. She simply asked "Can I help you?". She held the door open for me and helped me get all three kids to the car. A simple, unobtrusive and non- judgmental "Can I help at all?" can be such a lifesaver to any struggling, overwhelmed parent, be they have a special needs child or not. The LEAST helpful thing is when well meaning strangers have gotten in my son's face and have tried to speak directly to him: "What's wrong, Sonny? Don't you see you're giving your mom a hard time" etc. That totally freaks him out even more . . . Edited December 3, 2011 by jelbe5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (edited) In my personal experience, when my sons start to melt down, I do try to back off as much as possible and get to the car before the worst of the tantrum strikes. But, really, any parent can have a bad day with a neurotypical kid. It's not like my dd has never embarassed me in public. I'd suggest refraining from giving the stink-eye to anyone who you don't know. It could be that the child is sick or tired or hungry or going through a difficult phase or it could be ADD or Autism or a brain injury. Everyone's had their less than stellar moments when their kid is pitching a fit and they need to buy milk, it's just that parents of sn kids get so many more of these moments. Great post. Thank you. That mom who just sits there doing nothing? Maybe she just had a miscarriage? Lost her parent? Is depressed? Giving her a stink eye accomplishes nothing. Let's be kinder to fellow parents. Edited December 3, 2011 by sunflowers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 In everyday matters, people tend to assume the simple answers. It is not an inherently bad thing to do; in fact, it is a rather intelligent thing to keep. things. simple., looking for the most obvious explanation. It is the matters of our professional and private life that we "overthink", going beyond the apparent simple solutions because we have the depth of the perspective... but for everyday life matters? A typical person's stance would be along the lines of, "Give me a break, I will not overthink all the visible and potential non-visible parameters - I am not at work nor is this a pressing personal situation, just random matters of public civility or norms that somebody does not adhere to, for whatever reasons, and I will assume the simplest ones." And in a way, I do not think one can judge that, either, or pretend that everyone understand or attempt to understand. People have their own struggles, their own lives, they are out there and witness a scene in a random moment when they typically just do not think, nor wish to think, and they may as well be irritated / tired from their day / preoccupied with their thoughts / hoping to pass by easily but are instead having their way impeded by a child who acts out / frustrated / whatever. And some people will sometimes snap, in that good ol' passive aggressive fashion. It may not even be that the same people snap every time it happens. Maybe even for them it is an unusual reaction in a moment of frustration to utter an obviously judgmental and uncivil comment. And maybe for that perfectly human trait of impatience, a momentary lack of tolerance and compassion, they deserve a bit of an understanding as well. They are not necessarily bad people. They may not even be uninformed. They may as well be caught up in a moment of their own "acting out" in such a fashion out of frustration which was the tip of the iceberg for them that day. There are assumptions all over the place, from their assumption every child that acts inappropriately is a spoiled brat, to your assumption that every person who ever utters such a comment is a mean, evil, narrow-minded, judgmental idiot (I am exaggerating, but this may be just what many people think). It is also a form of quick-judging of a whole person in their complexity based on a moment of an evil impulse, or impatience, or whatever. For the record, I am only truly "vocal", with strangers, on these message boards. I never "comment" things IRL unless it is to people I know, with some kind of discretion, and I do not claim for a moment that it is civil, socially or morally acceptable to make such comments, especially with an obvious purpose for them to be heard. I limit myself to a glare, and even that only when I am extra irritated. I am very good at ignoring things I do not like and I was taught that a polite reaction to societally inacceptable behaviors is actually ignoring any violation of any rules was there or simply offering help if you estimate it may be useful. But yeah, if you caught me on a truly bad day, I might glare, in spite of my typically okay self-control and being a not altogether morally wretched person. And I get why some others would comment if you caught them in similar moods and if it was just a trigger for the negativity that has been bottling up in them from their personal baggage, combined with the above mentioned tendency not to overthink things. I do not say it is "okay", but it is a silly little human reaction, a moment of childish passive aggression, and even people with comparatively pleasant temperaments and dispositions will fall a victim to it sometime. The chances are, it may even bug them afterward, if they actually think about it. 99% of the time they could be normal, loving, compassionate and wonderful human beings, but that 1% of the time is what is going to remain with you after a glare or a comment. The bottomline is, you do not know, just like they do not know. The quick judgments happen on both ends because each side thinks they see the "obvious", while they both see only a fraction which may or may not be representative of the other side, and may or may not convey the "right" impression. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 :grouphug: My aunt, who is an RN, has two autistic (and two add) grandchildren and she REFUSES to understand that it's not a lack of discipline. Willful ignorance on the part of the adults? I dunno, but I get so sad on behalf of the parents of autistic kids. My mom is like this with a few of her grandchildren, too. A little with my Aspie boy, but especially my sister's kids who were all adopted from orphanges in India and have multiple problems. This was so blatantly evident this summer when she and I jointly watched the kids while my sister was on a trip with her friend. My mom can't seem to understand that my nephew (who is missing A PART OF HIS BRAIN) is unable to control impulses. She thinks he's being bad, when he really cannot control some of his behavior. And one of my nieces is severely developmentally delayed and has an extremely poor memory. My mom was trying to get her to write her name this summer, and kept telling her to pay attention when she wasn't doing it after multiple tries. I said, "Mom, look at her. She's paying rapt attention. She's really trying to do what you're asking. Let it go." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 ETA sorry about the thumbs down icon there . . . I bumped the button by accident . . . One of the most helpful things someone did for me happened when my son was younger and was melting down at the library while I was struggling with the stoller my youngest was in and encouraging my oldest to come along. She simply asked "Can I help you?". She held the door open for me and helped me get all three kids to the car. A simple, unobtrusive and non- judgmental "Can I help at all?" can be such a lifesaver to any struggling, overwhelmed parent, be they have a special needs child or not. The LEAST helpful thing is when well meaning strangers have gotten in my son's face and have tried to speak directly to him: "What's wrong, Sonny? Don't you see you're giving your mom a hard time" etc. That totally freaks him out even more . . . I could not agree more with this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 We spent the day with my friend and her autistic son and I just can't get over the nasty comments, dirty looks and grumpy tuts we were getting from people. It was a mixture of elderly people and other parents, it's happened before on other trips out. She is an absolutely amazing mum and her son is a lovely kid who is thriving. He is a bit loud and boistrous and gets a bit carried away with things but nothing terrible and she is always right by his side making sure he doesn't incovenience others. I've heard the nasty comments a few times, always just audible and I can't get over how people are so down right mean and judgmental, I can't even figure out what offends them exactly. They seem to actively wanting their comments to be heard and hurt this mother and child. Why oh why can't people just be kinder and more tolerant? For the most part people simply do. not. understand! Our son is not autistic but we have had some great difficulties with him at times. The big one that has been told to my face is, "Well, if you would simply discipline him consistently(as in spank) you wouldn't have these problems!":001_huh: They don't live in our home, had no idea what was happening and quite honestly didn't want to be bothered with some of the things I was requiring for my son. This was in a church setting and, well, they are no longer bothered with him as we are no longer a part of that congregation. We were released to fine a church home that would better suit us.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 :grouphug: My aunt, who is an RN, has two autistic (and two add) grandchildren and she REFUSES to understand that it's not a lack of discipline. I think a lot of relatives are in denial regarding the disability of loved ones. This does not excuse their ignorance, but it may help us understand their thinking. My own father told me in a not-very-nice-way this past summer that we should putmy son in school as we are doing him a disservice. Upon reflection I realized he probably thinks school will "fix" his only grandson. I think, to some degree, this line of thinking is a way for these relatives to cope with the reality of having a special needs loved one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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