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If you knew a hoarder what, if anything, would you do to try to help? Would it make a difference if they had children? Would it matter if the person was family or a close friend, versus an acquaintance or neighbor?

 

I was thinking about this last night while watching a hoarding show on netflix (Hoarders- Buried Alive, I think). One of the families was a mother with children and it was just so very, very sad. :(

 

DH is involved in a helping profession that takes him into people's homes on a regular basis (no, not CPS but he works for the gov't) and he said it is surprising how many people live in "hoarding" type houses.

 

So, all that to ask how would you respond to a hoarding situation?

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Well, if it's the episode I'm thinking of, I DO know that family. They live in my town, and were featured on the show. Dad is the hoarder, mom has terrible mobility issues, and kids are mortified. The hayve identical twin girls my dd's age with whom Molly has been friends for years, and another older girl and a young boy-- 4 kids in all.

 

The kids are all very high achievers, and good athlets, though in sports such as softball they often come without a glove because they can't find it. Nobody had any idea they were going to be profiled on the show, and the kids were filmed as well. Molly says the girls don't talk about it, and she doesn't bring it up. They always played here when they were small. Molly has never been there. Even when we've given them rides home from softball we've dropped them off at the barn, which is down a separate driveway from the house.

 

It's pretty bad. I'm not sure it's safe for the kids, and I know it's not safe for mom--- she can't pick her feet up high enough to clear the piles. Our local town zoning inforcement officer and the board of health were involved at one point I think. Not sure what becaome of it, because they're still living like that.

 

I honestly don't know how to respond. Some of the moms here in my circle (girls are all friends, and friends with the mom and kids) feel like our hands are tied, and we don't want to bring it up for fear Dale (the mom) will take it the wrong way or feel embarrassed. What can you do? I've wondered the same thing many times. So sad.

 

astrid

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Well, it's a tough call to make. With the family we know (about whom TLC did an episode of "Hoarders") the kids are clean, polite, happy (outwardly) and very high achievers academically and athletically. If you saw them on the street you'd never know they lived in a hoarder house.

 

astrid

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I don't think there is anything you can do unless asked for help. If they have kids it depends on whether there are signs of neglect. It must be hard to live in those type of conditions, and not feel like you can have anyone over without shame, but unless there are abuse or neglect issues, I can't imagine that being removed from their family is any healthier emotionally.

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My MIL is a hoarder. It's terrible. I can't watch any of those shows anymore because they hit so close to home.

 

Initially we tried to offer to help her clean, etc. but it wouldn't work because she just wouldn't let us throw anything away. And that she would be in the same condition shortly after the clean up no matter what we did.

 

It is a true illness. When I was researching options I read that hoarding has a lower successful treatment rate than drug and alcohol addiction. I don't know if that's true but it seems possible. I read that psychiatrists will attempt to treat it but there hasn't really been a successful treatment path identified. It is as if there is nothing that can be done. That's hard to accept.

 

I don't know what I'd do about the kids. Kids can be taken away over this. If the mother is otherwise loving and competent I don't know that I'd report it. It's terrible but is it worse than being removed from the home? Probably not. I'd probably offer to have the kids over to my home to give them an escape and show them another way to live. I would probably just be compassionate and try to be a good friend.

 

It is a terrible thing to grow up with. I grew up with some bad stuff that has impacted me as an adult but I would not have been better off removed from my home. I think this probably falls in that category.

 

Still, awful stuff. Really.

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There are really extreme cases that are from hoarding as an illness--people who can't throw anything out. But there are also people who are overwhelmed with life, depressed, have ADD, just don't have any idea how to keep a house up, or are just profoundly disinterested in their surroundings. I don't know how you tell the difference. Flylady kind of addresses the ADD and not having any idea what to do issues. That might be a good place to start.

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My mother is a hoarder.

 

I wouldn't call CPS unless there is physical danger. The worst effect for me as a child was just that I couldn't (usually) have anyone over and knowing what they would see were they there would embarrass me. There was an "I won't be her" attitude in me for a long time but especially emotionally acute and probably unhealthy as a teen. As an adult I'm at peace with her mental illness and I don't hold any emotional baggage from childhood even. I tried to join an online group once for children of hoarders and it was full of bitterness. I don't think that's a given. We could all find stuff to be bitter over with our parents if prone to that. Anyway, it's still sad to me for my dad but there is an acceptance.

 

As an adult I have, because of the mental health of my father, cleaned up three different times. None of it "stuck" and it was like starting from 0 each time. Anyway, even if she agreed to the procedure and I never threw anything outside of absolute garbage it was extremely stressful for my mother. In fact, the last time still has "impact" for her (negative) and it's about 11 years later. I won't do it again because it was so hard on her mentally/emotionally and I don't know what you could do that would help long term. I don't think there are good treatments for this.

 

 

If you know the family well maybe you could invite the kids to your home often and let them know they could have friends there too if they wanted?

 

I should mention I'm talking about actual mental illness type hoarding and not other causes of messy homes. I think the other causes are much more treatable so my approach would be different.

Edited by sbgrace
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Just found this: Memory Lane - Children of Hoarders

 

I have no words. Really. So, so sad. :(

 

There are really extreme cases that are from hoarding as an illness--people who can't throw anything out. But there are also people who are overwhelmed with life, depressed, have ADD, just don't have any idea how to keep a house up, or are just profoundly disinterested in their surroundings. I don't know how you tell the difference. Flylady kind of addresses the ADD and not having any idea what to do issues. That might be a good place to start.

 

Yeah, that thought struck me on a different episode (on Hoarders). The homeowner had no problem tossing stuff, but she just seemed so overwhelmed. You could tell that life just got out of hand and things snowballed.

 

My MIL is an "organized hoarder" and her house is still fully functional, so I don't say anything or worry about her. I guess it's just the shows with the kids that break my heart. But, what can you do, you know? Assuming the parents love their kids and are doing their best, I would hate to have CPS swoop in remove them. But, imagine how isolating, stressful and depressing it would be to live in a home like that. That has the potential to do some serious damage, too.

 

I don't have anyone in my life at the moment who I'm worried about. But, watching the show definitely got me thinking "what if..." I honestly don't know how I would or should respond.

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My grandmother-in-law is a hoarder. MIL and her siblings have been working for the past few years to get her home livable, but I don't think she resents them too much for it. G-MIL is in a wheelchair, and there really isn't anywhere else for her to go at this time.

 

My MIL also tends towards hoarding, but she mostly has good stuff in boxes. She probably has some sort of compulsive shopping issues too. I think most of her issues are being overwhelmed and not having enough time, though she has said that she has a very sentimental attachment to objects. The majority of her stuff stays in her office, but that's mostly because FIL will throw things away if they migrate out.

 

My 15 year old sister-in-law may also have some issues, but I think most of her problem is not knowing how to clean and organize.

 

I will help my MIL sort through things, but I don't throw anything away or try to convince her to throw things away. I will, however, talk to my SIL about it and force her to throw things away. I don't throw things away for her, but I will strongly suggest that she doesn't need half-completed worksheets from last year's English class.

 

Before Thanksgiving I spent at least 18 hours cleaning and surface organizing the living room, SIL's bedroom, and the guest room at MIL's house. We just barely got it done enough to be suitable for holiday company.

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My family members that hoard grew up in the depression. They kept stuff because you never knew when you might find that particular item again. I do think some of it can be psychological effects from that era. (obviously not everyone)

 

We have such a consumeristic society that we are sold that if we need one, twenty will be even better. This person believes that.

 

I help myself by limiting the things I am willing to bring into my home. I have two sheets sets for my bed, this person might have ten. I have two - three bath towels for each person, this person has 10 or more per person.

 

The believe that a collection is enhanced by more. For instance I like to collect silver pieces, so obviously they think I want every silver piece they can find at an auction.

 

They also are unwilling to get rid of old when new comes in, that is the hardest part.

 

Then when you have a couple with the same tendencies you get a duel. One won't empty their portion of stuff because the other person will just fill it up.

 

The situation only escalates as people age because stuff comes in, but nothing comes out, like Hotel California. :tongue_smilie:

 

For me, the family member of a hoarder, the biggest thing I can do is not contribute to it and set definite boundaries for my own house. Thankfully I'm married to a man who is very minimal.

 

We offer to help declutter and take loads to the donation center, but we are rarely taken up on it.

 

What is kind of sad is that they do have some nice heirloom quality stuff. It would be wonderful to see it displayed because it has family history and memories attached. Instead it's covered up by all the junk that they can't seem to let go of. It's very hard to watch and feel helpless, but they aren't at the endangered living yet, it just like clutter gone out of control.

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