sadiegirl Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 I have two boys that we have always homeschooled. This year we made the decision to enroll in a small Christian school(approx. 115 students). My oldest is a more of an introvert where as the youngest is a bit more of an extrovert. In fact, he has adjusted to school quite easily where as my oldest has virtually no friends. From day one, the oldest says he has nothing in common with the kids(he hunts, loves country music and has a southern accent...true country boy!) He has been made fun of...teased and basically, the boys in his class tell him it is just easy to pick on him because he's him! Today, he told me that he had $20 stolen out of his wallet in P.E. A little over a month ago, he had a pair of Nike Shox stolen out of his locker in P.E. He wants to quit school where as my youngest likes school, attends the activities, has a girlfriend. We are moving after this year to Raleigh, North Carolina and I thought going to a small private school would give them the experience so when we go there that they could try private, Christian or publice. At this point, I don't want to go Christian...these boys call him stupid, hit him, tell him to go kill himself and call him gay(which he is not but that should not matter period!) He says he just tries to be nice, and friendly but seems to be an target for their humor. He is extremely bashful around the girls despite the fact that he is extremely funny(has my husband's wittiness) and very cute. He says that all these kids have had 9 years of school to learn how to deal with the crap kids throw at each other...he hasn't had that experience and his self-confidence is blown. He loves to hunt but all these boys love team sports(which he has absolutely no experience at so they make fun of him for that...) any advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 You need advice from experts in bullying. I'm sure there are a load of books at the library or articles on the internet. You should take the bullying seriously. There are things that your son can do to help stop the bullying. There are steps that the schools may be able to do. Don't get hung up on the Christian aspect of the school. All kinds of kids can be bullies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Have you thought about going to the school administrators? No matter what, I would tell your son not to take anything valuable to school anymore. I'm always stunned to hear some people say that high school is a prerequisite for "real life". Are these people bullied in their day-to-day lives and really do see it as a normal, common behavior? Weird. I'm sorry, but as a member of a homeschool board, I'm going to suggest removing him from a potentially harmful environment. Even if it doesn't get physical, the bullying is likely doing a number on his mental health. And tell him that not everyone gets used to bullying. I wish he wouldn't believe that. Bullying is abuse, plain and simple, and it should never be something to get used to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 This is a home schooling board. ;) I say bring him home. We've been there, done that with the bullying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Bring him home. Introduce him to small, safer groups of kids--if you can find some. He'll need some healing time. He's probably angry, hurt and maybe even shut down. :grouphug: to you and him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Bring him home. Introduce him to small, safer groups of kids--if you can find some. He'll need some healing time. He's probably angry, hurt and maybe even shut down. :grouphug: to you and him. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel marie Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 i was a school nurse at a highschool and unfortunately saw alot of the bullying going on and i intervenued whenever i got the least notion it was happening. my son was one of the guys being picked on and we ultimately starting homeschooling and i quit my job to be home with him. i tried everything to make it work (keeping him in school), but it seems that it is difficult for teens who have interests that are not the norm of most of the other kids. teens can be such jerks to one another and it can be very damaging. they seem to hone in on the ones that are different or who are the weakest. new studies are showing that alot of the bullies are doing this to climb the social ladder, not because they have low self esteem. i'd first immediately go to the principal and tell what is going on--like tomorrow. the school should have a "no-bullying" policy. if what the school does to correct the situation does not work and isn't immediate, i'd remove your son from the school. if everything is working for your other son, let him stay. i'd also pay attention to what the school is doing about this problem. are the teachers/staff attentive to this? teachers can be on duty watching the students, but may not be listening to conversations and taking an active part in what is going on. and what is being done to these bullies?? does the school have programs in place or speakers that come to talk to the students about this and show the school will not tolerate?? another thing to look at is what is your son doing to take up for himself? can he use some pointers? he may not know how to handle it. i know this is so hard and painful. i'm so sorry ya'll are going through this. there are lots going on these day to help decrease bullying, but i'm afraid we still have a long way to go. best of luck to you and i hope things get better real soon for your son. angel R.N. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) Pull him out. You protect your child from mistreatment and abuse. The wounds of that can and often do last a lifetime or at least much, much longer than one would expect. I taught high school for 10 years. I would never have allowed that on my watch but I know it happens. Please, if at all possible, allow him to get out of that mess. Maybe cyber schooling would work if homeschooling isn't a go? Please protect your son. Edited November 29, 2011 by sbgrace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jplain Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 these boys call him stupid, hit him, tell him to go kill himself and call him gay(which he is not but that should not matter period!) :eek: How can there be any doubt in your mind? Bring him home. There's no good reason to let this continue. And who can learn in that kind of environment? Given what you've described, I doubt the school administration will be able to do enough to turn things around. That doesn't mean the school shouldn't be held accountable, but your son doesn't need to continue to be a victim. If you really need more incentive, Google recent news stories on tragic outcomes of bullying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 (edited) nm Edited November 29, 2011 by happi duck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Since no one mentioned the stealing, I would go to the school and pitch a fit about it. A Christian school where stealing is taking place is plain unacceptable. I would make sure they are aware that you will not pay any penalties if you with draw him due to the fact that their school is not a safe place. I would consider a theft free environment part of what I pay tuition for. If they are unwilling to provide that environment, I would leave and when asked in the community why I left, I would tell the truth.:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 I agree that you should go to the school. Take him with you and have him describe specifics including names and details to the principal. If the school doesn't immediately take swift and decisive action, pull him out. Keep him safe. Don't regret later that you didn't do enough.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Since no one mentioned the stealing, I would go to the school and pitch a fit about it. A Christian school where stealing is taking place is plain unacceptable. I would make sure they are aware that you will not pay any penalties if you with draw him due to the fact that their school is not a safe place. I would consider a theft free environment part of what I pay tuition for. If they are unwilling to provide that environment, I would leave and when asked in the community why I left, I would tell the truth.:tongue_smilie: :iagree: I would pull out the student handbook and read the part about bullying. Surely at a christian school that is addressed in the handbook. I would bring up the theft of money and belongings and I'd pull my son out of school. I was bullied as a kid and never told my parents because I knew they wouldn't do anything. He's told you, now is the time for action. Just because he's a teen and a nice guy doesn't mean he doesn't need parents to protect him. I would get dh involved as well. There is no way I would let my child even think this is remotely normal behavior and that he should just "man up" and deal with it. It's not, it's theft and verbal assault. You can't pull that sh** in real life and not have consequences. I've been through a lot of diversity training in my employed days. No employer I ever had would put up with that stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Every child has their own personality and their best learning environment. I have 3 children, one is in college and homeschooled through 9th grade, attended Christian private school but insisted on trying out our local, horrendous public high school for his senior year. My 16 year old daughter is home schooling and enjoying it tremendously, my 12 year old is in 7th grade at a nice, small private school. None of my kids have similar personalities and I feel we finally found a great place for all of them. My youngest son is thriving in private school and seems to be a little more religious than the rest of us, my daughter should never, ever go to a private school nor does she enjoy religion but is doing fabulous things sitting here in my office working on her European Literature course and kicking butt in her AP Calculus course. There is no reason that every kid in a family should have to go to the same school if they don't belong there. I think you should bring that sweet kid home and let him be happy and learn in a great environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristyB in TN Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 I want to add that I am so sorry your family is dealing with this. Teenagers can be beautiful, wonderful creatures but they can be horrible to one another, as well. It is wonderful that you all have options! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadiegirl Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 thank you all for the advice....I have to say that pulling him out was both my husband's and my first thoughts. My concern for his mental and physical well-being is first and foremost. We have a call in to the principal and unforunately there is no guidance counselor at this small school. We stayed up late and talked with both of our boys about the situation. My husband was furious at the thought of anyone telling someone else to go home and kill themselves. He and I have decided to speak with the principal and tell him the comments and actions that have been directed towards my son. We are only going to mention the name of the one boy who directly bullied him. I am also going to also speak with a counselor this afternoon that my MIL has been speaking with who works with kids. Please keep us in your prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Oh Sadie, I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Here's another vote for pulling him out but I'd also be writing a letter to the school board and principal about WHY. That is despicable behavior and as a parent, I get to keep my children from despicable people if I want to do so. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mchel210 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 I would get in there asap and demand a meeting and insist on change. There is no reason for that in a school let alone a Christian School. I have dealt with this with my DD10 in Catholic School. I had my husband call and go in for a meeting. He complained and spoke to the principal, AP and teacher. They did resolve the issue and they do have policies that if you pressure them they will enforce. It's hard because you are new and they may know the other family better and believe them first...that's how I felt in my situation. My DD is an aspie and wont speak up for herself. I had to have her little sister watching out and tattling to her teacher when she hears anything mean being said. It is sad that kids can be so mean. I work with my daughter all the time trying to help her realize she can let things go and ignore mean people. It is terrible! I told my DD if it continues she can record it on her Ipod and share it with me and I will bring it to the principal. Frustrates me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadiegirl Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 My kids do not want us to go to the school grounds to speak with the principal as they are afraid it will cause even more focus on my son so we are going to deal with by phonecalls. Would any of you be able to recommend a good book that my family can read regarding bullying? We are considering seeking a counselor of some sort but we live in a small town and we will probably have to go to Belleville, IL which is the closest town of any size(about an hour away). Also my husband did hear from one of the adminstrators at the school this morning regarding one of the boys...he is a transfer student that they have had previous issues with and just last night he made derogatory and inappropriate comments to an opposing basketball team's cheerleaders and the principal is having a meeting with the student about that event. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Advice? Yes. Take him out now. Don't even wait for Christmas vacation. I'm just wondering what his teacher and the principal have said when you told them about this. Because you have talked to them, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadiegirl Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 Advice? Yes. Take him out now. Don't even wait for Christmas vacation. I'm just wondering what his teacher and the principal have said when you told them about this. Because you have talked to them, right? We have a call in to the principal...my husband talked with the director of advancement at the school and he said the principal would be calling us so we are waiting. He was appalled at what my husband told him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel marie Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 wondering how it went today???:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadiegirl Posted November 30, 2011 Author Share Posted November 30, 2011 Well, my husband and I are extremely disappointed in the school. The principal never called us today regarding the matter...but he did leave us a message returning a phone call my husband had given his office secretary regarding tuition balance! My son said his day was uneventful as far as the "bullies"...he said he tried to fly under the radar. We discussed going back to homeschooling and he said that he wants to try being more outspoken and standing up for himself but he is not sure how. A friend told him that the boys would stop calling him "gay" IF he showed more interest in the girls but he said since he has never had a girlfriend he just gets really nervous when he is around the girls. Two of the really popular girls "seem" to be friendly with him but they told him this past week that he is "socially awkward." I want to encourage to stay IF he wants to give it a try. thanks so much for encouragement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Well, my husband and I are extremely disappointed in the school. The principal never called us today regarding the matter...but he did leave us a message returning a phone call my husband had given his office secretary regarding tuition balance! My son said his day was uneventful as far as the "bullies"...he said he tried to fly under the radar. We discussed going back to homeschooling and he said that he wants to try being more outspoken and standing up for himself but he is not sure how. A friend told him that the boys would stop calling him "gay" IF he showed more interest in the girls but he said since he has never had a girlfriend he just gets really nervous when he is around the girls. Two of the really popular girls "seem" to be friendly with him but they told him this past week that he is "socially awkward." I want to encourage to stay IF he wants to give it a try. thanks so much for encouragement. With friends like this he is not going to become more outspoken and confident. They might mean well. They might be simply helping someone new to the refugee camp with his survival skills out of kindness and empathy. :( Still, lessons in how to act less gay or how to be less socially awkward are not going to make him strong. Please take him out of this environment. Please. Get him involved in martial arts, Civil Air Patrol, 4-H, Upwards Basketball, horseback riding, lifeguard certification...any positive environment where he can learn better social skills without the bullying and the navel-gazing that results from bullying. I sure do hope this doesn't sound harsh, because I'm only feeling love and concern for you and your son. I just had to remove my teen from a youth group situation because I saw this bullying thing about to begin with him and I'm not having it. The leader was coming at it from the same angle as your son's friends: "How can we help him learn to act more like the other kids?" But I don't want him to act like the other kids. "Maybe if he had a girlfriend." What? They'll like him if he has a girlfriend? Odd criteria. Probably not people worth being friends with. I had to be very strong and say, "He's fine. He's very fine, everywhere but here, so I think the problem is not with him but with this group. See you around the universe." Still, it has devastated ds because he feels he must have failed. All of his (very good) social skills that have been so effective in other environments failed him in youth group, and he's having a really hard time not wanting to prove them wrong, etc. But I put my foot down and got him out of there. Get your son out of there, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Bullying situations usually aren't remedied. They just become so embedded in the "school culture" and so deeply toxic that often the only way to help the victim is to remove them from the school. Yes, there are exceptions, but this sounds like a very serious situation. Bullies calling him gay and telling him to kill himself would take me about 5 seconds to decide to pull him out. Even if he is adamant that he wants to remain. :grouphug: Edited November 30, 2011 by butterflymommy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Bullying situations usually aren't remedied. They just become so imbedded in the "school culture" and so deeply toxic that often the only way to help the victim is to remove them from the school. Yes, there are exceptions, but this sounds like a very serious situation. Bullies calling him gay and telling him to kill himself would take me about 5 seconds to decide to pull him out. Even if he is adamant that he wants to remain. :grouphug: :iagree: Once a bully has one area to bully removed, they'll just find another. Another issue is the internalizing of these issues. I was bullied in 4th grade and in middle school. When I was 40 I realized I had subconsciously been hearing those voices in my thoughts for years. They weren't conscious thoughts, it was very internal. Fortunately I took the time to deal with it. It did not take much to realize I had made those words and thoughts my own, that I thought I was _______ and _________. I don't know how to deal with this as a parent, but don't discount the long term issues can could arise from internalizing the concept that the world would be better off without you. :grouphug: The bully will still be a bully, regardless of what your son does or becomes. No one should made to be felt less than because they are different or quirky, according to "normal" standards. ETA: I have a quirky kid. I don't know how he'd do in a regular school. He has great confidence in himself, something I NEVER had as child. I've worked for years to help him realize he's okay just the way he is. I'm sure you've done similar in your kids. :grouphug: Edited November 30, 2011 by elegantlion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caitlinsmom Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I would withdraw him from the school. Bullying does not change, it is hidden more carefully. I personally would be outraged and not give my child a choice because ultimatly I am responsible for their well being, mentally and physically. As someone who was the subject of such types of behavior I can tell you it does have lasting consequences. I still struggle with thought patterns that were learned 15-20 years ago! My advice is to withdraw him, homeschool, and work on getting him involved with activities that he can meet girls and other youth but also some place he can draw on his strengths like helping with hunters ed classes, 4H, etc. There are plently of opprotunities that will build him up rather than tear him down. He can still have a social life without dealing with those who are socially immature and hurtful. Good luck this week. I hope your family can come to a solution that is best for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deacongirl Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 http://rosalindwiseman.com/ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosalind-wiseman/post_2527_b_1009131.html This may be helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 With friends like this he is not going to become more outspoken and confident. They might mean well. They might be simply helping someone new to the refugee camp with his survival skills out of kindness and empathy. :( Still, lessons in how to act less gay or how to be less socially awkward are not going to make him strong. Please take him out of this environment. Please. Get him involved in martial arts, Civil Air Patrol, 4-H, Upwards Basketball, horseback riding, lifeguard certification...any positive environment where he can learn better social skills without the bullying and the navel-gazing that results from bullying. I sure do hope this doesn't sound harsh, because I'm only feeling love and concern for you and your son. I just had to remove my teen from a youth group situation because I saw this bullying thing about to begin with him and I'm not having it. The leader was coming at it from the same angle as your son's friends: "How can we help him learn to act more like the other kids?" But I don't want him to act like the other kids. "Maybe if he had a girlfriend." What? They'll like him if he has a girlfriend? Odd criteria. Probably not people worth being friends with. I had to be very strong and say, "He's fine. He's very fine, everywhere but here, so I think the problem is not with him but with this group. See you around the universe." Still, it has devastated ds because he feels he must have failed. All of his (very good) social skills that have been so effective in other environments failed him in youth group, and he's having a really hard time not wanting to prove them wrong, etc. But I put my foot down and got him out of there. Get your son out of there, too. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I would pull him out in a heartbeat. What an awful situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 He wants to quit school There's your answer. If he felt like it was worth putting up with the abuse because he was getting some good out of the experience, then it would be a different story. But if he's asking to come home because he's being stolen from and verbally abused, then I would respect that and bring him home. Note, however, that the administration can do nothing if they don't know it's happening. If he stays, you need to be calling and emailing on a regular basis, at even the hint of trouble. But I'd pull him. He needs to know you have his back, and that he doesn't have to put up with that kind of environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 The only way to get the bullies to leave you alone in high school is to treat them even worse than they treat you, or become such a badly behaved person that they are secretly in awe. I was bullied up until eleventh grade. Really, it only stopped when I became even more cruel and poorly behaved than they were- doing drugs, sleeping around, etc. Not something I'm proud of. So your options are basically to encourage your son to become an even worse person than they are in order to scare them off, or to pull him out. Obviously, I'd go with the latter. There's no good reason to make anyone go through something like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Well, my husband and I are extremely disappointed in the school. The principal never called us today regarding the matter...but he did leave us a message returning a phone call my husband had given his office secretary regarding tuition balance! This is a big red flag. The principal is not showing a concern for what could be a truly bad situation. At the very least, he should have called to acknowledge your concerns. Personally, I would be worried if this lack of concern is the norm. It may not be, but I would still worry about it. My son said his day was uneventful as far as the "bullies"...he said he tried to fly under the radar. Yep, this is what I would do if I was in his position, but you know what? This won't help him improve social skills. In order to fly under the radar, you have to be a quiet, blend into the wallpaper, kind of person. We discussed going back to homeschooling and he said that he wants to try being more outspoken and standing up for himself but he is not sure how. Just curious, but what does HE think he's getting out of attending school? Is there some reason he isn't interested in homeschooling again? A friend told him that the boys would stop calling him "gay" IF he showed more interest in the girls but he said since he has never had a girlfriend he just gets really nervous when he is around the girls. Two of the really popular girls "seem" to be friendly with him but they told him this past week that he is "socially awkward." I'm sorry, but this is very wrong. He may not be ready for any kind of relationship, not to mention the drama he will become involved in if he begins dating. If he goes out with someone who doesn't want to go out with him again, he may be subject to rumors which will just give more fodder to the bullies. I'm sure he's more likely to be accepted by the majority if he begins acting like the majority, but is this majority exhibiting behaviors that you find valuable? Now I realize that the bullies are not in the majority, at least I hope not! But think about the things that kids have to do to keep up with their peers and not fall to the bottom rung of the social ladder. I want to encourage to stay IF he wants to give it a try. thanks so much for encouragement. I do think it's commendable to want to continue trying. However, I would advise you to keep a very close watch on this situation. Watch for any changes in your son's personality and/or moods. He may have some idea of how he should be acting and that if he isn't being successful in staving of the bullies, that it is his fault. I think it's awesome that he came to you to talk about it. Encourage him to keep talking about it. Oh, in another post, you mention that this guy bullying him is getting into trouble for other disturbing behavior. Is this boy the ringleader, and might the bullying stop if he is gone? I would definitely call the school again... and again... and again, until the principal talked with me. I would certainly give names and suggest that you're considering withdrawing him. You don't have to say it as a threat, just in concern for your son's overall well being. If the principal gets enough complaints about this boy, he may be suspended or even expelled. I'd hate to see that. Some people put their children into private schools to help them become better, but it shouldn't be at the expense of other kids! Does his brother have any advice for him? You say your other son isn't being bullied. Do you think this is because of a personality difference? If so, please realize that personality isn't something that changes easily and without a lot of work. And ask yourself, and have your son ask himself, if he feels his personality does need to be changed. And will those changes make him a more confident person? If he begins working hard at flying under the radar, the personality changes you may see will likely not be positive. :grouphug: What a difficult situation. I hope it all works out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel marie Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 i'd be in the principals's office when the bell rings in the morning and not leave until i see him. this is serious stuff!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 What kind of book are you thinking of?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Well, my husband and I are extremely disappointed in the school. The principal never called us today regarding the matter...but he did leave us a message returning a phone call my husband had given his office secretary regarding tuition balance! My son said his day was uneventful as far as the "bullies"...he said he tried to fly under the radar. We discussed going back to homeschooling and he said that he wants to try being more outspoken and standing up for himself but he is not sure how. A friend told him that the boys would stop calling him "gay" IF he showed more interest in the girls but he said since he has never had a girlfriend he just gets really nervous when he is around the girls. Two of the really popular girls "seem" to be friendly with him but they told him this past week that he is "socially awkward." I want to encourage to stay IF he wants to give it a try. thanks so much for encouragement. Honestly, I would not judge the principal's response or lack there of until I marched myself into his office and directly confronted the situation. This is not phone call worthy, it's meeting him face-to-face and showing him you're very upset and serious worthy. IMO, you absolutely must go to the school and give them the opportunity to enforce what surely are their own policies. It's not fair to make the school out to be uncaring until you've given them a chance. The principal can make it so that the bullies can't retaliate against your son without major consequences like suspension. The other parents can be called and dealt with by the principal. You owe it to your son to go to the school (without an appointment) and insist on talking to the principal. If you take the time to personally go to the office, I am betting you and the problem will get much deserved attention and respect. Also, just because your son had a good day (or a week's worth of good days) doesn't mean the problem has gone away. Expecting your son to behave differently to stop the bullying is not only wrong, it sends the horrible message that he is some how to blame. He is getting bullied because some jerk kid thinks it's fun. It isn't your son, the way he acts, or his masculinity and there is very little to nothing your son can do to stop the mistreatment. Your son needs someone in power to stop the abuse. Your son needs you to pull out the trump card and squash the mistreatment. Go see the principal. Don't fear retaliation even though your son will be scared. You are NOT powerless here, but your son is without your help. You need to intervene and be serious enough to go have a meeting face-to-face. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 whoa! take him out! now! he is your kid, and there is no reason for such a nice-sounding kid to put up with being hit and called names and told to kill himself (!) by such people! There is *no* good side about your kid being abused! Seriously, if you read this today, don't send him tomorrow! Tell him he is wonderful and you are pulling him out because you have had enough of him being around those fiends! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I'd pull both boys out. It's a toxic environment. Just b/c one adjusted to it doesn't make it OK. Really, unless he runs in a completely different circle of kids than his brother, I'd pull him out too. There is no question in my mind about the bullied child. I'd pull him out TODAY and then have these meetings with the principal to see if/when my son(s) will be coming back. Until it is safe, my kids don't go. And, that's the lesson for the bullied one. You leave abusive situations. You can't change the bully, but this is a free country and he can arrange his life so that it is fairly free from abuse once he's 18yo. How is he going to "stand up" and "deal" with the bully? -by remembering this young man's lack of character, filing it away as a prototype, and never hiring him or anyone like him when he's in the position of authority. :grouphug: PS - I'm dealing with a "bully" living in an apartment complex. A 25-ish yo man threatened bodily harm to my family, to the faces of my 8yo, 6yo, and 5yo children. I dealt with it by filing a police report, and being ready to record another altercation so I can bring charges if it happens again. It hasn't happened again b/c that man knows that there is authority backing up my family's safety. (the police!) I imagine that this 25yo young man was a bully in high school. His tactics prove his character now that he's an adult...and he missed out on having friendly neighbors while we were here. He doesn't know who we are or what kind of "pull" we might have in his world (church/employment/etc). Not that we would bully back, but we have seen how he handles life and would not trust him to do a THING around people. PSS - I would NOT want him to get a gf in order to gain acceptance at this school. That SCREAMS of bad idea!!! Girls are meaner than boys. Girls will date him and do extremely cruel things just to gain the admiration of the ring-leader who is already bullying him. NO NO NO! Get a gf if he wants, just avoid the girls at that school. .02 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I just want to say how sorry I am. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.... Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I was bullied for 10 years, from 5-10 and 11-16 (with a merciful year's break in a different school). It has done life-long damage to my self-esteem and ability to face any kind of confrontation. I had counselling in my twenties to try and deal with it, and will likely need to go again. Please pull your son out now, and discuss with the principal to see whether or not he could safely and happily go back. No-one threatens my kids without getting a faceful of MamaBear (or PapaBear ;) ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathymuggle Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I have not read all the replies - but based on the OP - withdraw him. I was bullied in high school and I have never been so miserable in my life. I would take an even less than ideal Homeschool situation over bullying any day. I do think there is a place to try and fix bullying, if need be. Here are the criteria: -the child thinks trying to fix it might work and wants to stay in school -the bullying is not serious -the school stands strong on anti-bullying and has resources in place for both the bully and the bullied to end the cycles. -it is resolved in a timely way In your sons case, it sound pretty serious, and as it seems that many boys are in on it, it is unlikely to be resolved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 a fallacy. Instead it can mean extremely cliquish. I'd pull the older out but let the younger stay. After you move consider the larger public school. PS's are typically more diverse (not always), but that diversity can mean more tolerance for kids who don't necessarily fit the mold, particular in an urban/semi-urban location. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 If there were a way to stop bullying, I think it would have been patented already. Add to that the fact that you're dealing with a private school, which probably isn't inclined to risk losing the tuitions of the bullies, and I think it becomes a matter of how much bullying you want your son to tolerate in the exchange for the benefits of attending this particular school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Poor kid. My kids are younger but I remember hs for myself and it was tough enough with all that:glare:. I agree, pull him out. We have a young man in our dojo that is a bit physically and socially awkward...personally I would sign him up for martial arts so he can defend himself a little. Aikido is mainly about defense but anything I bet could help his confidence a bit. WHy does he now want to stay? An important lesson is knowing when a place is so toxic it is time to walk away! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Bring him home. Introduce him to small, safer groups of kids--if you can find some. He'll need some healing time. He's probably angry, hurt and maybe even shut down. :grouphug: to you and him. :iagree: Why should he have to put up with this garbage until he does something out of character....hurting himself or someone else. Would also be perfectly honest with the ad ministration as to why I am pulling him out. No one should have to put up with bullying....especially a kid. Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Well, my husband and I are extremely disappointed in the school. The principal never called us today regarding the matter...but he did leave us a message returning a phone call my husband had given his office secretary regarding tuition balance! My son said his day was uneventful as far as the "bullies"...he said he tried to fly under the radar. We discussed going back to homeschooling and he said that he wants to try being more outspoken and standing up for himself but he is not sure how. A friend told him that the boys would stop calling him "gay" IF he showed more interest in the girls but he said since he has never had a girlfriend he just gets really nervous when he is around the girls. Two of the really popular girls "seem" to be friendly with him but they told him this past week that he is "socially awkward." I want to encourage to stay IF he wants to give it a try. thanks so much for encouragement. Do not tolerate this attitude. The principal had the chance to discuss this by phone and did not. BAD sign. Put on your 'these boots are made for walking' boots, dab some rum behind your ears (ala RemudaMom) and go kick some **donkey** at that school. You can be polite (with an edge) and in control (mostly) while still INSISTING that big hairy changes are made. Clean house, mama. If your son is being bullied, it's likely that OTHERS are as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 You, and you alone, are your child's strongest advocate. You get in there and fight. You do not minimize, or let anyone else minimize, what is happening. I would pull him out immediately. A 5th grader recently committed suicide over bullying. I loved what Pundit and Pundette had to say about it. But when will parents catch on to the fact that our "experts" and "authorities," including those who teach and run our public schools, not only can't fix our problems but are part of a system that fails to serve, and sometime even destroys, our children? Or that the "socialization" that takes place in school is not quite as desirable as the experts keep insisting? When a child whose age hasn't even reached double digits is living only to be liked and accepted by peers, that's a problem. Note that the girls who taunted little Ashlynn are referred to as her "friends" by the sheriff. In the peer-obsessed culture that dominates our schools, bullying and taunting are inevitable, serving to draw the boundaries between who is and who isn't part of the tribe. my bold The authorities will minimize, because it's in their best interest to do so. You can't leave it up to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 You, and you alone, are your child's strongest advocate. You get in there and fight. You do not minimize, or let anyone else minimize, what is happening. I would pull him out immediately. A 5th grader recently committed suicide over bullying. I loved what Pundit and Pundette had to say about it. my bold The authorities will minimize, because it's in their best interest to do so. You can't leave it up to them. I just read that at P&P, less than 10 minutes ago. ITA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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