justamouse Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 So apparently my dad went into the hosp last night with a hurt back. My mom texted my daughter. My mom ALWAYS texts my daughter. If she wants to stop by, if she needs to ask a question, she never calls me or texts me. I'm about to flip on her because although I've been letting it slide, being a peacekeeper, I think it was wholly inappropriate to text my daughter with this information. And, mom still hasn't spoken to me since I got angry about the Thanksgiving debacle with my aunt. But, she never texted me or called to ask me anything previously, either, so this is not new behavior. Right now I'm spitting mad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Is this because your dd has her phone on and near her and you don't, or is she just trying to push your buttons? If it's the second reason, I would tell her to not respond to grandma's text. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I would say you are entitled to FEEL quite angry, but that you are not entitled to EXPRESS said anger if you have not already told your mother to stop texting your daughter about everything. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Is this because your dd has her phone on and near her and you don't, or is she just trying to push your buttons? If it's the second reason, I would tell her to not respond to grandma's text. Yes, she has her phone all the time, but so do I. There are times I miss it, or I don't get back right away, but my mother's idea of immediate response and mine are different. My mother acts as if she's a member of the social service the way her phone is attached to her ear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 I would say you are entitled to FEEL quite angry, but that you are not entitled to EXPRESS said anger if you have not already told your mother to stop texting your daughter about everything. :grouphug: Yup, you're probably right. And when I lay this line down, she'll respond with not coming for Christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 She's going to have a relationship with her grandmother that will not be based on what you want or think - assuming this is the older daughter and not one of the little ones. It's annoying, but I would try to not let anyone see that it bothers me, because I do think that you will look bad if you try to change that by telling your daughter not to respond to her or telling your mother not to text her. She's too old for you to try to control that unless your mother is truly predatory and dangerous. So instead, I would talk to my Mom about not telling ME important information. If she says "but I texted dd," I would disregard that and tell her that she didn't text ME or call ME and whether she's angry at me or not, I probably deserve to know when my Dad is in the hospital or when she's stopping by. I would tell her she is being childish and that it's not acceptable, and I would ask her if she could change that. If she can't or won't, then I would let her know that she can't stop by the house without telling me and that I will make arrangements with another family member to get information about my Dad. But I would let her know that she's too old to be acting like a 5th grader. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Yup, you're probably right. And when I lay this line down, she'll respond with not coming for Christmas. I know. Some mothers don't get it. You can't explain why you are upset or hurt about something because they take it as a personal attack. I've lived through many bouts of the silent treatment. I hope to not be like that, especially as my kids get older and start expressing their displeasure with me. Again, :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 She's going to have a relationship with her grandmother that will not be based on what you want or think - assuming this is the older daughter and not one of the little ones. It's annoying, but I would try to not let anyone see that it bothers me, because I do think that you will look bad if you try to change that by telling your daughter not to respond to her or telling your mother not to text her. She's too old for you to try to control that unless your mother is truly predatory and dangerous. So instead, I would talk to my Mom about not telling ME important information. If she says "but I texted dd," I would disregard that and tell her that she didn't text ME or call ME and whether she's angry at me or not, I probably deserve to know when my Dad is in the hospital or when she's stopping by. I would tell her she is being childish and that it's not acceptable, and I would ask her if she could change that. If she can't or won't, then I would let her know that she can't stop by the house without telling me and that I will make arrangements with another family member to get information about my Dad. But I would let her know that she's too old to be acting like a 5th grader. Dd (16) responds because she feels bad, but she hates being in the middle. Yes, I should have stopped this before, but our relationship is already so strained... That is a good game plan. Visiting hours are at 11, and I plan on heading over-I need a game plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Does your dd enjoy texting with her grandmother with only some occasional annoyances, or does she dislike it completely? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Does your dd enjoy texting with her grandmother with only some occasional annoyances, or does she dislike it completely? She knows when my mother is placing her in the middle and hates that, otherwise, she loves her grandmother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I have a Grandmother who will call me when she can't get ahold of my parents via their home phone (they both have cells and my dad usually answers his unless he is somewhere it must be turned off.) I enjoy the chance to talk to my grandma and as soon as we are done talking I can call my parents and they call her back if needed. It gives my dad a chance to prepare to talke to his mom and they haven't always gotten along. ;) But I am in my 30's not 16. Perhaps you just need to start texting your mom more and work on your relationship with her. I know my MIL probably texts/calls her granddaughter to get ahold of a daughter but that is because dd doesn't answer her phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Ignore the behaviour, show up at the hospital, and thank your mother for the message. If she was trying to get your goat, don't show it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathymuggle Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Yes, she has her phone all the time, but so do I. There are times I miss it, or I don't get back right away, but my mother's idea of immediate response and mine are different. My mother acts as if she's a member of the social service the way her phone is attached to her ear. My mother (whom I adore) is somewhat like this. She gets mildly annoyed if she leaves a message and people do not get back to her in whatever she feels is a decent amount of time. She gets annoyed if they leave the answering machine off. Honestly, she was once complaining to me about my sister not returning calls quickly and I was ever-so-thankful that (at that time) I did not have an answering machine! Now that I do have an answering machine, she has to deal with 2 rude daughters instead of one :tongue_smilie: Honestly, I would let the texting of your daughter go in most cases. I would gently call her out on not communicating with you over your father, though. I might say something like this: Mom, I don't mind if you text Jessie instead of me, I know she gets back to you faster and that you two enjoy texting. However, for things that deal with me directly - such as dad being in the hospital or if you are planning a visit, can you phone or text me directly? I want to know first hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Ignore the behaviour, show up at the hospital, and thank your mother for the message. If she was trying to get your goat, don't show it. I don't think she was purposely trying-she's not that self aware. But it's just something she constantly does. I'm so mad (this has been piling up) I don't think I can go and not say anything. Or, if I do, it will be the situation that if she says one word wrong I'll loose it. I KNOW that the hosp is not the place to deal with this. And it's my fault I let this go on so long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Mom, I don't mind if you text Jessie instead of me, I know she gets back to you faster and that you two enjoy texting. However, for things that deal with me directly - such as dad being in the hospital or if you are planning a visit, can you phone or text me directly? I want to know first hand. that's a good plan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Dd (16) responds because she feels bad, but she hates being in the middle. Yes, I should have stopped this before, but our relationship is already so strained... That is a good game plan. Visiting hours are at 11, and I plan on heading over-I need a game plan. I think teaching dd how not to be in the middle is a good life lesson. After you talk with your mother and see whether it is to push your buttons or not (if it is, the plan is different than if she was not meaning to), then teach dd how to respond when she is caught in the middle? For example, she could respond, "Did you also text my mom about this? I know she'd want to hear it from you." or something like that. People in her life will attempt lots of triangulating (the fancy therapist word for trying to get two people in alliance against a third). So learning now options to keep oneself out of the middle will save her much angst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I don't think she was purposely trying-she's not that self aware. But it's just something she constantly does. I'm so mad (this has been piling up) I don't think I can go and not say anything. Or, if I do, it will be the situation that if she says one word wrong I'll loose it. I KNOW that the hosp is not the place to deal with this. And it's my fault I let this go on so long. Scream into a pillow, feel silly for doing so, walk out the door, put music on that will work through your emotions in the car, and say the Jesus Prayer, the Rosary, etc until you get to the hospital ;) :grouphug: Maybe see if your daughter is willing to say, "Grandma, you're calling Mom next, right?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChandlerMom Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 If it gets bad enough... Get a Google Voice number, change dd's cell number but give it to NO one (except you and dh), have her give out her new GV number which you set to forward all calls EXCEPT gam to her new cell number. In GV you can set calls from g'ma to be forwarded to YOUR cell phone. :D We ditched the landline, love the free caller ID and e-mailed voicemail, and the best feature is the ability to send MIL directly to voicemail when she starts driving us nuts (like your mom she thinks we are at her beck and call and have nothing better to do that chat with her; if we don't answer she starts calling at 30min intervals...to talk about NOTHING). :banghead: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie Sue Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 What did you end up doing about the Thanksgiving debaucle? :) Praying for your dad and hope you can work this out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Wonderful opportunity to rise above it all and let it go.....Festering anger is good for no one. Holidays give us all many opportunities to practice extreme charity!!!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 It all went well enough. I will have to say something, and I am telling Dd to tell her to talk to me, to not let herself be put in the middle. When mom said she texted my daughter, I DID say that it wasn't cool, that she could have gotten suspended had the teacher caught her forwarding the message to me. She looked embarrassed, so I think the point was taken. I hope the point was taken. We'll see how it goes from here. Dad is doing ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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