Conformity and Morality Parenting Question

[Skadi]

This is a hypothetical question regarding parenting and raising ones children to conform to societal norms.

 

Assume that you are a parent living in a nation were a certain set of views are extremely dominant. You personally find these beliefs to be not only horribly wrong, but immoral and destructive as well. They may be religious beliefs, moral beliefs, philosophical or political beliefs - its going to vary from person to person. Assume that the dominant belief is something you find totally repugnant.

 

Furthermore, in this nation in which you live, the great majority of people fervently adhere to these repugnant views. If you express your disbelief to 90% of the population, they will immediately dislike you, believe you to be either totally evil, idiotic, or both. Even the other 10% will be wary of you and likely express vocal disagreement. Only 1% will be willing to have a conversation with you or consider your opinions. Some people will even assault you if they discover that you are a non-believer, and there is a good chance that if police learn the reason for this assault that they'll look the other way or prosecute you as the aggressor, as they share the same hatred for those who don't conform as the rest of society. If your employers learn of your beliefs they will likely fire you and face no repercussions. If you own a business and your beliefs become public knowledge, the great majority of people will stop patronizing your business. All schools teach these dominant views and universally teach that people who do not adhere are reprehensible monsters.

 

Technically speaking, there are no laws against your own beliefs or expressing them, just the extreme social pressure described above.

 

You have children and want to raise them in the best way you can; this includes teaching them right from wrong along with teaching them what you believe to be the truth. Unfortunately, if you teach them what you believe, they may well face hatred and discrimination for the rest of their lives or may face a life of being in the closet about what they believe and staying silent while others demean them unknowingly. It may well mean that as your children grow into adults, they may have a very hard time finding spouses, because they must either keep their beliefs secret even from their girlfriends/boyfriends or they must try to find that 1% of people who would grudgingly withhold judgment. Alternatively, you can stay silent about what you believe and allow society to raise your children in that they are taught not only to hold beliefs that you find repugnant but also to despise anyone who disagrees.

 

Assume that you cannot leave you nation nor can you significantly change it through activism. You cannot otherwise avoid the decision. Do you raise your children to agree with you or to conform to society?

Edited November 28, 2011 by Skadi

[Rosie_0801]

Well after reading your post, I'm really glad to be Australian. :001_huh:

 

I suppose I would have to raise my children to be fantastic little actors and we'd do what we could when the revolution came!

 

Rosie

[Just Robyn]

I would (and do) teach my children what I believe. However, that does not mean that they will hold the same beliefs as me when they grow up (or at any point in their life, really). If their beliefs match mine and they face discrimination as adults, that is because of their beliefs, not because of what I taught them about my own. They are thinking people, and regardless of what I teach them about my beliefs, I'm sure they will learn about alternate beliefs (from me and/or elsewhere) and use that information to form their own beliefs.

[sewingmama]

Well I chose yes I would teach them my beliefs but I would maybe also teach them that in some circumstance it might be wise to conform.

 

For eg. if we lived in a country where women were supposed to be completely covered I might teach them that I don't believe that is necessary but I would probably encourage them to conform when they went out in public - especially if going about bare headed means they might be thrown in jail or severely punished. However I would not tell them they should conform if they were to be going about and saw a group of people punishing someone for being bare- headed KWIM -I wouldn't want them joining in and beating someone just because the law said it was ok for people to do that.

 

I agree with Rosie -I'm glad I live in Australia.

[gardenmom5]

This has been the choice my people have faced for a very long time in many parts of the world.

 

And, as a people, our answer has been, in every generation: I will teach my children what I know to be true, what I believe to be right, regardless of circumstances.

 

...and I will hope and pray that I can also help them keep themselves as safe as possible in such a hostile environment.

:iagree: My husband's grandfather was also of a group that was a small minority in a country that was unwelcoming to his ethnicity - his family faced that same choice for generations. they taught their children what they believed to be true - and some paid for it with their life.

 

His grandfather was able to escape to the US.

Edited November 28, 2011 by gardenmom5

[Night Elf]

Aww.. I would love to vote but this scenario is so far from my personal reality that I am having a difficult time putting myself into it to form an opinion.

 

I would like to think I'll teach my own beliefs but at the same time, I hate the idea that those ideas could cause such a horrible life.

 

However, I do have experience with encouraging my children to conform in certain situations despite their beliefs. Sometimes it's just easier to not show such a major different belief than that shared by the majority. BUT, we have the option to leave any situation, and we are not threatened with persecution as in the OP's scenario. So it's just not the same thing as what was presented.

[*********]

I couldn't answer the poll. My answer is yes, we will teach them what we believe. But it is not in *spite* of the persecution they will endure; it is BECAUSE of the persecution they will endure, according to scripture:

 

Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. - Mat. 5:11-12 KJV

 

In this scripture, Jesus himself tells us that we should 'Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad' when we are persecuted for his sake. We teach our children this; that persecution for the sake of Christ is not something simply to be endured, but to be GLAD about. Something we can only do by the grace of the Lord, to be sure. :)

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I can't vote either way. I do hold certain beliefs that are definitely of the non-conformist variety (more politically and socially than religiously or morally) and I think I do manage to convey those beliefs to my children. But, I consider my beliefs to be just that- my beliefs. There are so many different beliefs about so many different things, and while I may think that the majority of certain belief-holders are wrong in their beliefs, I still think they are entitled to have those beliefs. If my children were older, I'd admonish them to carefully consider the historical and social factors behind those beliefs, but I wouldn't be upset if they chose to follow a majority belief-system. I respect anyone who has reflected upon and studied their belief system and still chooses it.

[ciyates]

When we lived outside of the US we conformed to the standard of that land as long as it did not violate our religion and moral code. Usually it only effected how I dressed and I learned to keep my mouth shut about certain issues. It was obvious we were Americans and didn't belong but we did our best to show respect to our neighbors.

 

Now that we are back in the states it is still a struggle. We have more conservative values than most around here. We do not want our son to conform to the moral standards of our area or even the political ideology.

 

I feel it is my job as a parent to teach my son our family views on everything. :001_smile:

 

One of the most valuable things I have learned over the years is to keep my mouth shut. I can leave at peace with your neighbors and surroundings without shoving my belief system down their throat.

[Carrie12345]

I voted yes, but that's not entirely accurate. I try hard to teach my kids about as many views as possible, including my own. The conclusions they come to will hopefully be their own.

[TravelingChris]

I am glad I don't live in such a country. There are some countries that are really strict and beat even people who believe but do something against the belief- Here I am thinking of those poor girls who died in the Saudi Arabian school fire because they couldn't escape without proper coverings. It would be a nightmare living in such a place. I would still teach my children about our beliefs but if we were in such a place, even though I believe I can walk around not covered up, we would still cover up while there. It isn't against my beliefs to put on more clothes than usual even though it isn't a requirement of my beliefs either.

[Jenny in Florida]

Although our situation is not as extreme as the hypothetical one you describe, our family definitely has beliefs -- deeply held ones -- that conflict with those of the majority here in the good old U.S.A. (I'm thinking specifically of the vegan thing, but there are others.)

 

What we've done is to talk to our kids. A lot. We explain our own beliefs AND explain that most other people they meet likely won't share those beliefs and won't understand. We encourage them to be kind to and tolerant of others and to not expect most people to agree or understand. While we don't want them to "hide" their beliefs, we advise against bringing them up unless there is a pressing reason to do so. And we coach them in ways to handle conflicts in a no-nonsense, no big deal kind of way.

 

I expect we would cope with your more extreme example in pretty much the same way, although we might have to work a little harder to walk the fine line. What I can say for sure is that I can't imagine either setting my children up for serious persecution without guidance or just throwing in the towel and letting them conform. There has go to be a middle path.

[Mimm]

It's startling to think of how many people really do live with such choices on a daily basis.

[TKDmom]

Yes. I belong to a religious group that faced exactly this kind of persecution in the past, and were driven out of the country because of their beliefs. I don't think I could live with myself if I taught my children to believe something that isn't true or good.

 

Of course I also do my best to teach my children not to judge others who do not believe as we do. Everyone deserves respect. There's no need to heap persecution on yourself by being self-righteous.

[Skadi]

Could some of you who voted no in the poll chime in with your thoughts? I'd really like to hear a diversity of opinion. :)

[LauraGB]

A great many of us for several generations have found ourselves living in a situation where we don't exactly "fit in", and many of us have lived in an area in which we may not belong long term. I say teach your child to the best of your ability, and teach them well, because what you teach them now, and what they will witness outside of your teaching, will help them to be the individuals they will eventually become, and arm them with the tools they will need, regardless of any current situation.

[Guest]

I voted yes.

 

I would also do everything in my power to move! That place sounds awful!

[Daisy]

This is a tough question.

 

I think I'd at least stop and consider my beliefs. I'm not saying I'd be swayed away from them as much as I would want to to know without a shadow of a doubt that what I believed was true. Without that assurance, I don't know how I would successfully transfer those beliefs to my children amidst extreme persecution.

 

It is easier to say that I would absolutely pass down my faith to my children. I have not the slightest doubt as to what the truth of God's Word is. But amidst great persecution, I imagine everyone would have to evaluate whether they had a "My mommy taught me so" and "That's what I grew up with" type belief in a particular ideology or if it is more than that.

 

It is much harder when I look at it from the perspective of the family who is passing on morally repugnant white supremacist racist beliefs to their children in spite of the tide of persecution they will experience. I wish those parents would stop for just a moment and consider WHY so many people are opposed to that ideology. But perhaps they have.

 

I REALLY don't like it and I really think they are wrong, but I imagine that racist family feels the same way I do when I say that I'd pass down my beliefs to my children regardless of the fall-out.

[Skadi]

It is much harder when I look at it from the perspective of the family who is passing on morally repugnant white supremacist racist beliefs to their children in spite of the tide of persecution they will experience. I wish those parents would stop for just a moment and consider WHY so many people are opposed to that ideology. But perhaps they have.

 

I REALLY don't like it and I really think they are wrong, but I imagine that racist family feels the same way I do when I say that I'd pass down my beliefs to my children regardless of the fall-out.

 

This is an excellent point. White supremacists in this country are persecuted in many of the ways that is mentioned in the original question -- there are no laws specifically banning their beliefs in America (though there are in other Western countries), but the social pressure is so intense that I've heard of several cases of individual white supremacists being assaulted, with no legal repercussion for the perpetrators. Even racists who advocate non-violence are still a target for their beliefs, and their professional and personal livelihoods would be at stake if their beliefs became known.

[Parrothead]

Other - I raise my child to think for herself.

[Audrey]

Well after reading your post, I'm really glad to be Australian. :001_huh:

 

I suppose I would have to raise my children to be fantastic little actors and we'd do what we could when the revolution came!

 

Rosie

 

 

:lol: Put in Canadian for Australian, and you've just written my response for me.

[Skadi]

Other - I raise my child to think for herself.

 

By teaching your children to think in a certain way, you are deliberately predisposing them to certain sets of beliefs. The way you present every alternate option -- and the options you omit, for you surely will omit many of the viewpoints in the world -- will bias their belief systems. When you teach them what sorts of things count as evidence and where evidence can be found, you will be teaching them your beliefs.

 

I think the point of the question isn't how do you best insure that your children know or can discern the truth, but rather if them knowing the truth is worth them being a despised minority, a second class citizen of sorts who is forced into secrecy, for the sake of truth.

[Skadi]

We've received a few more No votes, any of you guys care to chime in?

[Skadi]

Aww.. I would love to vote but this scenario is so far from my personal reality that I am having a difficult time putting myself into it to form an opinion.

 

I would like to think I'll teach my own beliefs but at the same time, I hate the idea that those ideas could cause such a horrible life.

 

I know what you mean. What if your beliefs are wrong after all, even though you truly feel you've chosen the right path? Would it still be worth it? What if your beliefs change at some point down the road, after your child has already taken up the mantle? Even if your beliefs are right, is that really the hill you want your kids to die on?

[NicAnn]

I couldn't answer the poll. My answer is yes, we will teach them what we believe. But it is not in *spite* of the persecution they will endure; it is BECAUSE of the persecution they will endure, according to scripture:

 

Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. - Mat. 5:11-12 KJV

 

In this scripture, Jesus himself tells us that we should 'Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad' when we are persecuted for his sake. We teach our children this; that persecution for the sake of Christ is not something simply to be endured, but to be GLAD about. Something we can only do by the grace of the Lord, to be sure. :)

 

This is similar to what I came to say. Yes, I teach my children to believe what I believe and to do so even in the face of persecution. For us, it is very likely something that will come up in the future as many of our religious beliefs and religion itself is illegal in other countries. At times it has been in the US (like the draft for instance). It's a scary thought, but something that we know God wants of us.

[Aelwydd]

We have political/economic views that would put us in the very small minority, especially in the state we live in. Though we talk about our beliefs with our ds, we are very cautious about it. We don't want ds to be attacked or ostracized for naively expressing ideals or views because they are unpopular and considered counter-cultural in many ways, to say the least.

 

We're looking to move, though it isn't easy. I think we owe it to ds to raise him where our values receive at least some reinforcement from surrounding culture, rather than contradicted at every turn.