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How do newly divorced HS moms survive economically?


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How do newly divorced HS moms survive economically? Particularly if they have been out of the workforce for years.

With food and utilities being sooooo expensive, I do not know how a person can survive without going on welfare - especially when they may not qualify because of the home or material possessions.

I know there might be child support and/or alimony - but a lot of times those are if-y.

 

On a side note ...

I wonder too if a lot of couples in bad marriages are staying put because they can't afford to live sedately without giving up their current standard of living.

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How do newly divorced HS moms survive economically? Particularly if they have been out of the workforce for years.

With food and utilities being sooooo expensive, I do not know how a person can survive without going on welfare - especially when they may not qualify because of the home or material possessions.

I know there might be child support and/or alimony - but a lot of times those are if-y.

 

Generally, a non-working spouse in the process of a divorce is advised to not make any changes to their income (ie - don't suddenly start working). This is to make sure that alimony and child support are fair. Once the divorce is final, I suppose every situation is a bit different. Some moms put their kids in school and go to work if they can, some enroll in a distance education college program and get financial aid, some move in with family. Some stop homeschooling while others are able to fit it in if they have childcare. I'd probably move in with family until I got settled in a job that paid well enough, work full-time, and make the oldest child help out more. It would be a huge change.

 

On a side note ...

I wonder too if a lot of couples in bad marriages are staying put because they can't afford to live sedately [separately?] without giving up their current standard of living.

 

I've seen many articles about this. Divorce and living separately are too expensive so they put off divorce and try to live amicably.

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Generally, a non-working spouse in the process of a divorce is advised to not make any changes to their income (ie - don't suddenly start working). This is to make sure that alimony and child support are fair. Once the divorce is final, I suppose every situation is a bit different. Some moms put their kids in school and go to work if they can, some enroll in a distance education college program and get financial aid, some move in with family. Some stop homeschooling while others are able to fit it in if they have childcare. I'd probably move in with family until I got settled in a job that paid well enough, work full-time, and make the oldest child help out more. It would be a huge change.

 

 

 

I've seen many articles about this. Divorce and living separately are too expensive so they put off divorce and try to live amicably.

 

How do they pay rent then? I know they can apply for assistance for food, but how could one find a place to live w/out a job to pay rent and utilities?

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.

I wonder too if a lot of couples in bad marriages are staying put because they can't afford to live sedately without giving up their current standard of living.

 

Yep!

 

Can't afford to live separate.

 

It's just not an option right now to put them in school. They are thriving and their whole lives revolve around homeschooling.

 

I have no clue how to support three boys and myself. So for now I stay and suffer. It's very stressful and scary!

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In my case I stayed until after the ten year point though I would have loved to have left earlier (10 years of marriage is the mark for quite a few benefits).

 

Now that I have left my kids are back in school temporarily and I am back in graduate school on a career path I never would have chosen but that will afford me the flexibility and income I need. I am lucky that my ex and I are friendly (maybe even friends) so he helps with the kids as I don't have family to rely on. I am also lucky that our financial agreement is such that I don't have to go to work for quite a while.

 

Since starting the divorce process I have been surprised by how many people in what I thought were happy marriages have confided in me that they wish they could divorce but they just don't think they could make it on their own.

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In my case I stayed until after the ten year point though I would have loved to have left earlier (10 years of marriage is the mark for quite a few benefits).

 

I have heard that after 10 years the spouse of military members are eligible to receive half the spouses retirement. I do not know if that is true or not.

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that many people stay married because divorce is expensive and scary. Divorce is the most expensive thing most people ever choose to do.

 

Long term (ie, after the case is all settled) most of my divorced friends have reentered the work force. Most of them have managed ok financially after a few years of having done so. It's not feasible for most people to continue to stay home until their very young children are out of the home, though it's feasible for some people to stay home for a couple of transition years.

 

Part of it depends on your financial status during marriage. Do you have significant assets? Do you have significant debt? Is your STBXDH going to be dependable about paying child support on time? Can he afford to be generous? Does he have good health care that the children can remain eligible for? Do you have a home that your DH is willing to let you remain in?

 

Long term, most women have to think not just about how to raise their children, but have to think about the 30 or 40 years they will likely live on AFTER their children are raised and they are no longer receiving support.

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The only divorced, former homeschooling mom that I know of had to move back home with her parents. Child support was not enough and Michigan is a No-Fault divorce state so no alimony under most circumstances. He ran off with his secretary, lives out of state, makes as much money as he did prior to the divorce, and pays her $800.00 a month for the three children. That is not enough money to even begin to survive.

 

At first, her aging parents really wanted her to stay out of the workforce and continue homeschooling. But, they were keeping their small house only by the skin of their teeth...living on social security only. Their savings had a. tanked because of the stock market and b. a good deal had been spent on medical expenses such as putting a wheelchair ramp on the house for grandma and other such big expenses that are not covered by insurance.

 

The children are now in the public school and the mom is working for minimum wage.

 

Unless child support is very high and mom has somewhere to live for free, I don't think it is feasible for very many divorced moms to homeschool and especially if the children are young. Responsible teens might be able to do online classes just fine with mom checking their progress after work and tutoring where necessary. But, with as much direct 1 on1 that the youngers need, I thing that makes it very tough. Working evenings wouldn't jive either, at least not in our state. Past the mandatory school attendance age, one would be in hot water for placing a school age child in daycare instead of school in order to homeschool at night. It wouldn't fly even though it should be an option.

 

Additionally, one has to consider that in divorce cases if abuse is not alleged, often the non-custodial parent must still give permission for homeschooling. Most of the divorces I've seen are not amicable enough for the ex-spouse to be willing to do this, sad to say.

 

As for some choosing to delay divorce due to economics, I can absolutely see this happening. Michigan has a horrible unemployment rate, houses can't be sold unless you practically give them away (recently a 4000 sq. ft. house on 2 acres with out buildings, five bedrooms, 4 baths, above ground pool, built in 1995 and not a thing wrong with it, three car garage, natural gas heat and a wood burning system, some solar panels and battery pack for partial self-sustaining electricity, kitchen whose custom cupboards had cost nearly $50,000.00 when they were built, you name it...every single bell and whistle, went for less than $100,000.00 Oh yes, you read that correctly. That is the economic reality of my state and in particular, one of the hardest hit counties in the lower peninsula. So, if the couple is underwater on the mortgage and job prospects are dismal or they are just hanging onto jobs by a thread, then yes, I can see that couples would choose to have platonic relationships within the home while waiting out the economic issues in order to divorce.

 

Faith

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that many people stay married because divorce is expensive and scary. Divorce is the most expensive thing most people ever choose to do.

 

Long term (ie, after the case is all settled) most of my divorced friends have reentered the work force. Most of them have managed ok financially after a few years of having done so. It's not feasible for most people to continue to stay home until their very young children are out of the home, though it's feasible for some people to stay home for a couple of transition years.

 

Part of it depends on your financial status during marriage. Do you have significant assets? Do you have significant debt? Is your STBXDH going to be dependable about paying child support on time? Can he afford to be generous? Does he have good health care that the children can remain eligible for? Do you have a home that your DH is willing to let you remain in?

 

Long term, most women have to think not just about how to raise their children, but have to think about the 30 or 40 years they will likely live on AFTER their children are raised and they are no longer receiving support.

 

I have a dear friend that is currently in divorce proceedings with her husband of 24 years. She has already found a man who she loves deeply (and visa-versa) and they are already talking about marriage.

She calls him her SAVIOR.

This name for him reminds me of the Adele lyrics:

 

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior

When the thunder calls for me

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior

Standing on my own two feet

 

It is obviously hard to begin again as a single mom - ideally, I think we should be our own savior ... At least emotionally.

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How do they pay rent then? I know they can apply for assistance for food, but how could one find a place to live w/out a job to pay rent and utilities?

 

In my situation, during the divorce process, I was emphatically told to NOT get a job or change anything about our current life-style. My attorney said that keeping our lives as stable as possible was the priority and it showed the judge that I was committed to homeschooling. EX was the one removed from the home and he still had to pay the mortgage. Temporary support was lined up until we got to the point in the process that we sat down and ironed out property division and alimony. So, EX payed the mortgage and paid me enough to maintain utilities, food, gasoline, etc. Once we got to settling property, he was given all the debt, the full mortgage and responsibilities of all the CCs he racked up. When all was said and done, I walked away with custody of dd, 65% of his retirement (which I was allowed to cash out due to some specific laws and the way he had his retirement set up), the contents of the house, the car that was paid off (he got the new one, and it's monthly payment), an antique vehicle I could sell, and monthly alimony for a few years. Once alimony ended, I got a part time job in the evenings so we could still do school during the day.

 

My situation, I know, isn't typical. EX was willing to give me whatever I wanted out of fear I'd expose his skankiness to the world. I wasn't going to do that, but I didn't do anything to relieve his fears of it. As my attorney said, it wasn't my job to make him think anything; my job was to take care of myself and my kids. If he was going to worry about the world knowing what a low-life he was to us, that was his problem.

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How do newly divorced HS moms survive economically? Particularly if they have been out of the workforce for years.

With food and utilities being sooooo expensive, I do not know how a person can survive without going on welfare - especially when they may not qualify because of the home or material possessions.

I know there might be child support and/or alimony - but a lot of times those are if-y.

 

On a side note ...

I wonder too if a lot of couples in bad marriages are staying put because they can't afford to live sedately without giving up their current standard of living.

 

1) I have help from family (helping with kids' clothes, yard work, babysitting, etc).

 

2) I have child support.

 

3) I own a home with a reasonable monthly payment.

 

4) I babysit full time.

 

5) I have an additional part time job (up to 10 hrs/wk).

Edited by myfatherslily
Changed past tense typo to present tense.
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The only divorced, former homeschooling mom that I know of had to move back home with her parents. Child support was not enough and Michigan is a No-Fault divorce state so no alimony under most circumstances. He ran off with his secretary, lives out of state, makes as much money as he did prior to the divorce, and pays her $800.00 a month for the three children. That is not enough money to even begin to survive.

 

At first, her aging parents really wanted her to stay out of the workforce and continue homeschooling. But, they were keeping their small house only by the skin of their teeth...living on social security only. Their savings had a. tanked because of the stock market and b. a good deal had been spent on medical expenses such as putting a wheelchair ramp on the house for grandma and other such big expenses that are not covered by insurance.

 

The children are now in the public school and the mom is working for minimum wage.

 

Unless child support is very high and mom has somewhere to live for free, I don't think it is feasible for very many divorced moms to homeschool and especially if the children are young. Responsible teens might be able to do online classes just fine with mom checking their progress after work and tutoring where necessary. But, with as much direct 1 on1 that the youngers need, I thing that makes it very tough. Working evenings wouldn't jive either, at least not in our state. Past the mandatory school attendance age, one would be in hot water for placing a school age child in daycare instead of school in order to homeschool at night. It wouldn't fly even though it should be an option.

 

Additionally, one has to consider that in divorce cases if abuse is not alleged, often the non-custodial parent must still give permission for homeschooling. Most of the divorces I've seen are not amicable enough for the ex-spouse to be willing to do this, sad to say.

 

As for some choosing to delay divorce due to economics, I can absolutely see this happening. Michigan has a horrible unemployment rate, houses can't be sold unless you practically give them away (recently a 4000 sq. ft. house on 2 acres with out buildings, five bedrooms, 4 baths, above ground pool, built in 1995 and not a thing wrong with it, three car garage, natural gas heat and a wood burning system, some solar panels and battery pack for partial self-sustaining electricity, kitchen whose custom cupboards had cost nearly $50,000.00 when they were built, you name it...every single bell and whistle, went for less than $100,000.00 Oh yes, you read that correctly. That is the economic reality of my state and in particular, one of the hardest hit counties in the lower peninsula. So, if the couple is underwater on the mortgage and job prospects are dismal or they are just hanging onto jobs by a thread, then yes, I can see that couples would choose to have platonic relationships within the home while waiting out the economic issues in order to divorce.Faith

 

My ds's counselor said the two biggest things that adversely affect children of divorce are if the family goes into poverty and if there is ongoing litigation between the parents.

 

Our standard of living did fall...but we are far from poverty. I was very fortunate to be able to continue homeschool ds....I was awarded cs and alimony (for just 3 years) that was enough to pay the bills....not sure what I was going to do after 3 years, but I married after one year so not an issue now. And when I say I had enough to pay the bills, that is living very frugally. From what I know of people I dont think a lot of moms would have lived on as little as I was....

 

And in my case I also have full custody. XH can't tell me I can't homeschool. But have a friend going through divorce and it is one of his DEMANDS...that she not homeschool....she isn't currently....and I am not positive he can stop her if she gets full custody. AR is different though. :tongue_smilie:

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In my situation, during the divorce process, I was emphatically told to NOT get a job or change anything about our current life-style. My attorney said that keeping our lives as stable as possible was the priority and it showed the judge that I was committed to homeschooling. EX was the one removed from the home and he still had to pay the mortgage. Temporary support was lined up until we got to the point in the process that we sat down and ironed out property division and alimony. So, EX payed the mortgage and paid me enough to maintain utilities, food, gasoline, etc. Once we got to settling property, he was given all the debt, the full mortgage and responsibilities of all the CCs he racked up. When all was said and done, I walked away with custody of dd, 65% of his retirement (which I was allowed to cash out due to some specific laws and the way he had his retirement set up), the contents of the house, the car that was paid off (he got the new one, and it's monthly payment), an antique vehicle I could sell, and monthly alimony for a few years. Once alimony ended, I got a part time job in the evenings so we could still do school during the day.

 

My situation, I know, isn't typical. EX was willing to give me whatever I wanted out of fear I'd expose his skankiness to the world. I wasn't going to do that, but I didn't do anything to relieve his fears of it. As my attorney said, it wasn't my job to make him think anything; my job was to take care of myself and my kids. If he was going to worry about the world knowing what a low-life he was to us, that was his problem.

 

I got full custody of my ds for the same reason...for some reason XH didn't want 2 women he 'knows' (one of which is my cousin) deposed. He signed off on my custody/visitation terms within 48 hours of the 'women' getting their subpeonas.

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I have a dear friend that is currently in divorce proceedings with her husband of 24 years. She has already found a man who she loves deeply (and visa-versa) and they are already talking about marriage.

She calls him her SAVIOR.

This name for him reminds me of the Adele lyrics:

 

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior

When the thunder calls for me

Next time I'll be braver

I'll be my own savior

Standing on my own two feet

 

It is obviously hard to begin again as a single mom - ideally, I think we should be our own savior ... At least emotionally.

 

Morals aside, she is risking her upper hand in divorce proceedings by being involved with another man before the divorce is final.

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1) I have help from family (helping with kids' clothes, yard work, babysitting, etc).

 

2) I have child support.

 

3) I own a home with a reasonable monthly payment.

 

4) I babysit full time.

 

5) I had an additional part time job (up to 10 hrs/wk).

 

This was a big one for me. I used cashed out 401K (under QUADRO so no penalties) and sold stocks to almost pay for my house. With taxes and insurance payment is only $350 on a 15 year note. I could have chosen to get more house and higher payment....but it wasn't worth it to me to have to go back to work for a nicer house. We are warm, safe, dry and clean here.

 

It is often times a matter of priorities...no always though. Sometimes with no property to cash out, no good cs and/or no alimony there is nothing a mom can do but go back to work and put the kids in school.

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I'm not sure what you mean by that or why you think she had one. Just based on the length of the marriage?

 

Well, I guess I jumped to conclusions not in evidence...:tongue_smilie: Assuming it was like mine where adultery was the reason I was divorcing my XH. If I was behaving the same as him there goes my grounds....and my moral upper hand...which in my part of the country translates to a legal upper hand. It made me the better parent.

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If my husband and I divorced I would receive at least 33% of his salary in child support. More likely than not I would also receive alimony based on the number of years we've been married. I think between the two payments I could maintain the mortgage and basic necessities. I could also rent out the apartment we have in the house.

 

All this would hinge on my getting custody of the kids, remaining unmarried, his continuing to earn his current income, and my being allowed to stay in the house, none of which are guaranteed. (Except custody... he wouldn't want it.)

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Morals aside, she is risking her upper hand in divorce proceedings by being involved with another man before the divorce is final.

 

Yeah, I think so, too.

 

This was a big one for me. I used cashed out 401K (under QUADRO so no penalties) and sold stocks to almost pay for my house. With taxes and insurance payment is only $350 on a 15 year note. I could have chosen to get more house and higher payment....but it wasn't worth it to me to have to go back to work for a nicer house. We are warm, safe, dry and clean here.

 

It is often times a matter of priorities...no always though. Sometimes with no property to cash out, no good cs and/or no alimony there is nothing a mom can do but go back to work and put the kids in school.

 

I had the same situation. I think it was called QUILDRO here. Can't remember for sure.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by that or why you think she had one. Just based on the length of the marriage?

 

This is very subjective, but if you're in a no-fault state where adultery doesn't really matter in terms of grounds, sometimes (and depending on the judge, and other factors) if the "wounded" spouse takes the high road and doesn't start a new relationship during the marriage, the judge may look on her in a better light (and more deserving of alimony, etc). Again, that's very subjective and it also depends on whether the two parties go to trial versus working it out between themselves and the attorneys. I held the upper hand in our divorce because of EX's fears of being exposed and because we worked it out between us with the attorneys, we never went to trial for the judge to decide how things would be. But, if it got to that point, I had enough ammo on EX to make him look like pure pond scum. Given how conservative our area is, and how conservative the judge we had was, EX would have not walked out of there happy. Our state has no cut and dried laws on alimony and property division is typically 50/50, but if the two parties work out something different and are agreeable, the judge can sign off on it.

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Well my reality is that he doesn't make enough to live on his own if he is to pay me for support. I also have health problems and am terrified to lose my medical insurance through him. I have no family to help me. I really wish we could just live separate but stay married at least until the kids are grown but he has no where to go either. I've asked him to leave a ton of times but he won't.

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Well my reality is that he doesn't make enough to live on his own if he is to pay me for support. I also have health problems and am terrified to lose my medical insurance through him. I have no family to help me. I really wish we could just live separate but stay married at least until the kids are grown but he has no where to go either. I've asked him to leave a ton of times but he won't.

 

:grouphug:

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Yep!

 

Can't afford to live separate.

 

It's just not an option right now to put them in school. They are thriving and their whole lives revolve around homeschooling.

 

I have no clue how to support three boys and myself. So for now I stay and suffer. It's very stressful and scary!

 

(((Mommybee))) So sorry.

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They are very creative, hard-working individuals. Basically they found employment that either keeps them home (daycare, afterschool care, eldercare, teaching online), they take their children with them (housecleaning, office cleaning, farm work), or they have family nearby that provide childcare.

 

I don't know the particulars, but my impression is that they are receiving little if any child support and no spousal support.

 

None are well-off and some take advantage of various programs low-income individuals. One was worried about healthcare for a child with a chronic health issue and found out that they qualified for reduced cost care from a regional medical school. Another wouldn't qualify for state food programs, but is eligible for a local food pantry that targets the "working poor."

 

It can be done!

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I have heard that after 10 years the spouse of military members are eligible to receive half the spouses retirement. I do not know if that is true or not.

 

25% of the military pension at the 10 year point then an additional 2.5% for each year up to the 20 year point (nothing if the divorce is before ten years). A divorced spouse is also entitled to social security based on her ex husband's earnings if she doesn't remarry provided the marriage was longer than ten years.

 

There are numerous other benefits as well depending on the state and individual circumstances. It was well worth it to me to stay for an extra few years so that I would be in a much better position (plus it gave my kids time to grow, they are both school age now).

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25% of the military pension at the 10 year point then an additional 2.5% for each year up to the 20 year point (nothing if the divorce is before ten years). A divorced spouse is also entitled to social security based on her ex husband's earnings if she doesn't remarry provided the marriage was longer than ten years.

 

There are numerous other benefits as well depending on the state and individual circumstances. It was well worth it to me to stay for an extra few years so that I would be in a much better position (plus it gave my kids time to grow, they are both school age now).

 

Cera, Social Security? Do they have to wait until they (spouse) are a certain age to receive that?

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Guest submarines
Well my reality is that he doesn't make enough to live on his own if he is to pay me for support. I also have health problems and am terrified to lose my medical insurance through him. I have no family to help me. I really wish we could just live separate but stay married at least until the kids are grown but he has no where to go either. I've asked him to leave a ton of times but he won't.

 

:grouphug:

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On a side note ...

I wonder too if a lot of couples in bad marriages are staying put because they can't afford to live sedately without giving up their current standard of living.

 

 

How about can't afford it period. I have a friend whose husband lives in the basement of their house.

 

It's not about comfort. The cost of 2 households even when people downsize the type of home they have is significant.

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How about can't afford it period. I have a friend whose husband lives in the basement of their house.

 

It's not about comfort. The cost of 2 households even when people downsize the type of home they have is significant.

 

I would have lived in public housing, in a one room apartment, almost anywhere before I would have co-habitated with my cheating husband.

 

And if it isn't that kind of rupture in the marriage, I wonder why these couples don't just work on getting happy with each other?

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And if it isn't that kind of rupture in the marriage, I wonder why these couples don't just work on getting happy with each other?

 

My friend and her dh live together still for economic reasons - even though the husband just resents his wife for everything that disappointed him in life. He is miserable and detached and will only speak to her about money. Nothing she ever did or will ever do will satisfy or make him happy. I really don't think there is any possibility of them getting happy with each other :(

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Cera, Social Security? Do they have to wait until they (spouse) are a certain age to receive that?

 

If you have been married for over 10 years (even if you have subsequently divorced) you can choose to claim social security under either yourself or your (ex)spouse. It's a seldom considered benefit that can make a significant difference if you don't have the earning potential of your spouse (which I probably won't since I have primary custody and will adjust my work-life balance accordingly and am also entering the workforce 15 years after him).

 

http://www.kiplinger.com/features/archives/krr-claiming-social-security-after-a-divorce.html

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I would have lived in public housing, in a one room apartment, almost anywhere before I would have co-habitated with my cheating husband.

 

And if it isn't that kind of rupture in the marriage, I wonder why these couples don't just work on getting happy with each other?

 

 

I wondered at first. My friend's husband did not cheat. He's emotionally abusive. I didn't realize how horrible he was to her until recently. Since moving to the basement he's stopped, but he really doesn't interact with her at all. Her MIL was always super nice to her. My friend realized after a while her husband was exactly like his father and that's probably why the MIL was so nice. The MIL died a few years ago. I wonder how they got together in the first place--her husband is not really nice to anyone and doesn't have friends. His behavior towards was more than not nice though among other things she realized his constant belittling and her accepting it was a bad example to her sons.

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If you have been married for over 10 years (even if you have subsequently divorced) you can choose to claim social security under either yourself or your (ex)spouse. It's a seldom considered benefit that can make a significant difference if you don't have the earning potential of your spouse (which I probably won't since I have primary custody and will adjust my work-life balance accordingly and am also entering the workforce 15 years after him).

 

http://www.kiplinger.com/features/archives/krr-claiming-social-security-after-a-divorce.html

 

And multiple X spouses can make use of that option too.

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Thanks for the hugs!!

 

It's a long story but it's just not fixable.

 

It's just too much to put out there. I already had a large thread deleted years ago where I laid it all out so I can't go there again. But I really would leave if I could, but my health problems make it hard for me to go and go. I just don't have the energy to work and school and raise my boys alone.

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Thanks for the hugs!!

 

It's a long story but it's just not fixable.

 

It's just too much to put out there. I already had a large thread deleted years ago where I laid it all out so I can't go there again. But I really would leave if I could, but my health problems make it hard for me to go and go. I just don't have the energy to work and school and raise my boys alone.

 

Yeah, those types of detailed threads will get deleted everytime. If you want to pm me feel free.

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Yeah, those types of detailed threads will get deleted everytime. If you want to pm me feel free.

 

Actually, funny enough, I asked for it to be deleted. The moderators didn't do it. It was just after I asked they told me to be more careful with what I shared if I didn't want it out there. I really felt bad because I did get a lot of support from everyone.

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Honestly, it's been hell.

 

It's been hell even with remarriage.

 

Child support was at a decent level for a short time, but even then, I had to supplement that.

 

Since the reduction, I have had no less than 2 additional jobs, sometimes more.

 

It's been "worth it", but still hell.

 

I wish, instead, I could throw magic pixie dust, and drop unicorns and rainbows over the question. But I can't.

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I didn't homeschool and already had a full time job when I separated and I still wouldn't have survived without living with my mother for a while. I ended up moving 5 times in two years. If I hadn't ended up engaged to dh, I would have been in a hole pretty soon. My outgoing expenses (rent, car and gas to get to work) were more than my income.

 

No child support since I actually made slightly more money and we had joint custody.

 

I definitely believe there are a lot of couples staying together for the sake of the bank account.

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