Feedback needed for 7th grader's compare & contrast paper

[ereks mom]

I am teaching the 12 yo dd of a friend, and this is her first-ever attempt at an essay. She has progressed by leaps and bounds over where she was when I first started teaching her last year. When she came to me as a 6th grader, she HATED to read (very poor comprehension) and could barely write a coherent paragraph. We used R&S English 5 last year, including the writing portions. This year, we are using Easy Grammar 5/6 to keep grammar fresh, but we are concentrating more on writing. She has been doing Writing Strands 3 for composition, and she has also been doing daily journal writing.

 

I am slowly helping her learn to enjoy reading, and we have just finished the novel Shiloh by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, using the Novel Thinking Lesson Guide from Critical Thinking. Then she watched the movie Shiloh on DVD. For this assignment, she was to write 4 paragraphs: 1) an introductory paragraph, 2) a paragraph comparing the book and the movie, 3) a paragraph contrasting the book and the movie, and 4) a paragraph stating whether she preferred the book or the movie and why.

 

Anyway, now that you have the background, please take a look at this essay and give me some gentle feedback for her. She typed her paper and saved it as a Word document, and I have simply copied & pasted it here without changing anything.

 

Please note that the first sentence was suggested in the lesson plan as a way to start the paper. I don't normally teach that the student should state the purpose of the essay because I think the essay should speak for itself. Also, the in the last paragraph, the student is instructed to give her opinion of the book.

 

Thanks so much for any feedback.

 

This paper will explain the differences and similarities between the novel Shiloh and the movie Shiloh. Shiloh is about a dog who was mistreated then later found by a boy named Marty. Marty is a poor, 11 year old boy who lives in West Virginia and who adopts Shiloh.

 

The book and the movie have some similarities. Judd Travers was mean to his hunting dogs and everyone else. One of his dogs, Shiloh, followed Marty home one day. When Judd found out, he wanted Shiloh back, but Marty made a bargain with Judd so that he could keep Shiloh. Marty had to work for Judd to pay for Shiloh.

 

In some ways the book and the movie are different. In the book, Marty’s best friend was a boy named David, but in the movie his best friend was a girl named Sam. Also, in the book Marty’s family was poor. They had three rooms in their house. In the movie they didn’t seem that poor because they had a big, two story house. In the book, Judd said he would not keep the deal to sell Shiloh, while in the movie, he said he wouldn’t keep his deal and he also fought to get Shiloh back from Marty.

 

I prefer the book over the movie, even though I do like movies better because I am more visual. In this story, however, the book had much more detail and was more interesting.

Edited November 30, 2011 by ereks mom

[ereks mom]

bump :001_smile:

[ereks mom]

bumping again...

ANYBODY???

[Capt_Uhura]

This paper will explain the differences and similarities between the novel Shiloh and the movie Shiloh. Shiloh is about a dog who was mistreated then later found by a boy named Marty. Marty is a poor, 11 year old boy who lives in West Virginia and who adopts Shiloh.

 

The book and the movie have some similarities. Judd Travers was mean to his hunting dogs and everyone else. One of his dogs, Shiloh, followed Marty home one day. When Judd found out, he wanted Shiloh back, but Marty made a bargain with Judd so that he could keep Shiloh. Marty had to work for Judd to pay for Shiloh.

 

In some ways the book and the movie are different. In the book, Marty’s best friend was a boy named David, but in the movie his best friend was a girl named Sam. Also, in the book Marty’s family was poor. They had three rooms in their house. In the movie they didn’t seem that poor because they had a big, two story house. In the book, Judd said he would not keep the deal to sell Shiloh, while in the movie, he said he wouldn’t keep his deal and he also fought to get Shiloh back from Marty.

 

I prefer the book over the movie, even though I do like movies better because I am more visual. In this story, however, the book had much more detail and was more interesting.

 

Well, I am probably the least qualified to comment lol but since no one else has, I will give my opinion. Now I don't have any idea what is good for a 7th grade level. So keep that in mind. I'm also doing LToW w/ my boys so I have that format in my brain so I don't know how standard it is. But, w/ all those caveats, here are my thoughts.

 

I know you said the assignment suggest that lead in but I do not like that. Also the next few sentences are a narrative to set up the essay. I think that should be first and then state her thesis.

 

Shiloh is about a dog who was mistreated then later found by a boy named Marty. Marty is a poor, 11 year old boy who lives in West Virginia and who adopts Shiloh. While the movie Shiloh stayed mostly true to the book Shiloh, there are a few differences. (this sets you up for going into a compare paragraph and then a contrast paragraph)(Also the Shiloh is and Marty is is a bit repetitive. Better would be "Marty, a poor, 11 year old boy, lives in W. Virginia. He adopts Shiloh. - I wouldn't join those two sentences b/c they are not related. Has she had active and passive voice?)

 

In the 2nd paragraph, I just think she needs some connecting words.

 

The book and the movie have some (enumerate here????) similarities. (In both the book and movie,) Judd Travers was mean to his hunting dogs and everyone else. One of his dogs, Shiloh, followed Marty home one day. When Judd found out, he wanted Shiloh back, but Marty made a bargain with Judd so that he could keep Shiloh. Marty had to work for Judd to pay for Shiloh.

 

In some ways (enumerate????) the book and the movie are different.(Passive voice: The book and movie differ in three key/minor aspects). In the book, Marty’s best friend was a boy named David, but in the movie his best friend was a girl named Sam. (Liked the parallelism here) Also, in the book Marty’s family was poor. They had three rooms in their house. In the movie they didn’t seem that poor because they had a big, two story house. In the book, Judd said he would not keep the deal to sell Shiloh, while in the movie, he said he wouldn’t keep his deal and he also fought to get Shiloh back from Marty. (This paragraph is much better. She used connecting/transitional phrases. She kept to the parallelism of book then movie, book then movie, book then movie.)

 

Ok, she's a struggling writer. I don't know how to handle that. Maybe she just needs to be told, GREAT JOB, and move on. Then in the next essay, work on passive voice, for example.

 

As far as the content. I'm not as good with that. My feeling is that the similarities between a book and movie are not as important as the differences. I felt I wanted some opinion on what if anything the differences brought to the movie. Are those differences inconsequential? The plot stayed the same. Did the fact that the boy had more money in the movie make you feel more or less empathetic with him? Did being poor relate to him having to work to keep Shiloh since he didn't have money? Did he have to work to keep Shiloh in the movie since he had more money?

So maybe what I'm missing is a summary paragraph? This all might go beyond the scope of the assignment and/or scope of the grade level)

 

(Ok I'm going to make this up b/c I haven't read the book or seen the movie. This is in no way polished b/c I haven't had breakfast and my blood sugar is dropping rapidly. :001_huh:

 

"The key points of the plot remained the same in the book and movie Shiloh. (partial reiteration of the thesis) The sex of the best friend is inconsequential to the plot. However, that Marty was portrayed as middle class in the book as evidenced by the differences in houses, made me less empathetic with Marty. That difference was then reflected in Marty not having to work to keep Shiloh since he could just pay for him. I prefer the book over the movie (I don't know if you need to say "Over the movie), even though I do like movies better because I am more visual. In this story, however, the book had much more detail and was more interesting.

 

 

In that sentence, that she prefers the book gets lost. I think that should be the last thing the reader reads. Better would be, "Because I am more visual, I usually prefer movies to books. In this case, however, I prefer the book because it had more detail and was therefore more interesting."

 

I suppose any discussion on why the movie producers chose to change Marty's financial status would be more rhetoric level?

 

Ok well, that's it lol. Anyone feel free to tell me I stink and I shouldn't bother writing my opinions on essays as I'm just learning about all this myself.

[ereks mom]

Thank you so much! These are exactly the kinds of comments I was hoping for! I don't want to discourage my student--she's not my child, and I'm not sure how well she handles criticism--so this time, since it's her first effort, I probably will simply say "Good job!" and move on. But this definitely gives me something to work on for her next essay. Thanks again! :001_smile:

[Capt_Uhura]

You're welcome! I probably would say good job and move on. Also, I think it's really helpful to collect essays that you think are well written. Let her read them and then discuss the structure. "why do you think the author enumerates the points he's going to make?" "It helps the listener/reader follow the arguments." Give her a list of connecting words. SWB has a good list in WWS and Paragraph Writing Made Easy has a good list broken down into time, enumeration etc. Have her think of it has a road map she is leading her readers along. She needs those words to tell us where to go.

[Capt_Uhura]

Be sure to tell her/mark up the essay with all the things she did right!!!! Sometimes you think they know b/c they did it but they don't know on a conscious level or it was accident.

[elegantlion]

I agree with what Capt wrote. With a struggling writer, I'd look at where she is, just put a good job (I still do stickers) and hand it back.

 

If you haven't looked at the WWS sample, I would consider it.

 

We used WWE 3 with ds and he did all right and it somewhat improved his writing.

 

We started with the WWS sample a few weeks ago and I am amazed at his improvement. I think some of it has to do with it being written mainly to the student. I'm a decent writer (at least in school) and I think some of the teaching was getting lost in translation. I have a hard time framing the instruction for a struggling writer.

 

Yesterday he did a chronological narrative without too much effort or balking. It was over 100 words. That's a real improvement over the one sentence I got out of him last spring.

 

Another issue ds has had is audience. He's sometimes unsure of how to write something because he knows only he, dh, and me will be reading it. I try to point out what his "readers" might know about the subject, not to assume that they know more than you (the writer).

[Create Your Ritual]

I second using the 10 week WWS sample at Peace Hill Press. It would be a great way to guide her through a writing curriculum that is mostly written to her, and provided rubrics to help grade the writing as you work through it. By the time you are done with the sample you would know whether to go ahead and buy the full thing.

Edited December 10, 2011 by SaDonna