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Unequal treatment of siblings


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I have a rant and a few musings. My dh and his brother are very close in age. They were treated pretty equally growing up, but by late high school brother was favored because he was the easy and compliant child. Into adulthood, he has followed parents dreams for himself and he now lives very near and grandma is watching his child full-time. Although my dh does not care, this kills me. I would never dream of asking my parents or in-laws to have my kids six days a week. This is hard to take because we had to always step lightly when we asked for mil to babysit the handful of times we asked.

My in-laws have totally different values than we do, so I can't expect them to support us in any way, but I come from an accepting family with totally different family dynamics and it hurts. I am weary of the mini-dramas that seem to get worse each year. I'm not used to a family like this. My parents supported my brother and I in our individual interests, but being 6 years apart it wasn't really a big deal. They did pay for my college, but my brother did not go to school. They have let him live at home for a very long time though.

 

So my questions are:

Is it fair/expected to treat siblings equal? (for example: paying for each child's college, buying a car, etc)

Should expectations be set early? (parents financial support with cars, college, weddings, getting started in life)

Anyone with any experiences to share?

 

I'm totally into treating my kids as equal as possible throughout their lives. They are close in age and I don't want to favor one over the other. In my book, it is better to not do anything for the siblings before leaving one out (because clearly all the above examples are all contingent with the parents having $ to help in the first place).

 

Thanks... I'm done rambling now!

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My in-laws always treated their children very differently. My dh's sister was in college at the same time as he was. They paid for her college, wouldn't allow her to work, and flew her home once a month. My dh didn't get a dime for college and worked three jobs to pay his way through.

 

They are consistent - she has always made a huge difference in the grand kids. My kids knew they were not grandma's favorites from when they were very small. Which is why, now that they are older, that they really don't care to spend any time with her. They see her twice a year, and we only spend one night because that's all any of us can take. The only other time they talk to her is when she calls on their birthday - the call usually lasts less than 2 minutes.

 

Her loss.

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Yeah, I don't think it's actually possible to be totally fair thoughout the kids' lives. Mainly because "fair" is not really a definable term.

 

In my family, I have always been the one most likely to do what I'm supposed to do, when I'm supposed to do it. Got the most education (paid for by myself) and good jobs; worked long hours and lived frugally so I could save for a rainy day. Meanwhile, my parents helped my siblings with various things. They got into financial problems and I gave them money. They turned around and gave that money to my siblings, then asked for more. And more and more. My siblings don't appear likely to ever pay my parents back, leave alone help them out in their old age.

 

My parents love my kids, but they do not have the energy to do much for/with them. However, they regularly babysit my sister's kids, despite the fact that sister's kids are more high maintenance than mine ever were - and sister is a married SAHM, while I'm a single WOHM.

 

However, the fact is that I haven't needed the help like my siblings have. I don't agree with everything my parents have done, but it hasn't really hurt me. So I choose not to feel badly about it. I choose to be happy that God and my parents set me up in life with the "stuff" to take care of myself and give back too.

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Is it fair/expected to treat siblings equal? (for example: paying for each child's college, buying a car, etc)

 

Life isn't fair - adults need to grow up and stop acting like little kids who are always worried about the "but it's not fair" debate.

 

I have 3 siblings -my parents bought my youngest sister (15 years younger then me) a car and paid for her college and watches her baby exclusively. They didn't do that for any of us older three and none of us care. We don't see her as favoured. When we were her age our parents were not in the same financial position as they are now - so they can afford to help her out more.

 

It's my parent's money and life -they can do with it as they see fit -if they choose to give it all to one sibling then so be it. I know my mum loves me - she doesn't have to give me a car to prove it ;)

 

Also my mum only babysits for my younger sister - I could say it isn't fair but that would be silly because myself and my two brothers live in Australia and my mum and sister live in the same town in the USA - so it's logistics really.

 

My DH's parents bought his younger sister a car and paid for another sisters education -again they didn't do that for my DH because he was the eldest and they couldn't afford to at the time.

 

In my mind it's just a question of circumstances and who is lucky enough to be able to recieve the benefit of them at the time.

 

Parents don't owe any of their kids any of that type of help -so if they can ever afford to do it for even one then the other siblings should just be happy for their brother/sister who got the help.

 

I love all my kids equally but my 5yo gets the lions share of gifts for Christmas. Is it because I am favouring her or is it because she is the oldest who never has anyone to recieve hand me downs from so is the one who needs the things we don't have first?

 

My DS1 gets more gifts then my DS2 because my DS2 gets the hand me downs and just doesn't need anything. He is still given gifts at Christmas -but generally not as much as the other two get. However being the youngest he is the child who will likely be given more financial help then the other two when he is older because we will have more money available after the other two have left home -so it all evens up in the end.

 

I think it is really silly when adults sit around whining that they get less then their siblings - I thought that was a childhood thing that you outgrew once you realise their is plenty of love etc for everyone.

 

Added note: I am no talking about those parents who delibrately favour one child over another and make it obvious -however even in those circumstances I wouldn't let it bother me -it's the parents loss and you are now an adult who can stand on your own two feet so why let it worry you.

Edited by sewingmama
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In the example of my family:

 

I married, started college on my own, and was independent very young. My brother (7.5 ys younger) got married and then he and his wife had to move in with mom and dad. They lived there and had the majority of their expenses covered for over a year. But, that was what he needed at the time. Meanwhile dh and I are renting the house next door. I had a home provided by my dh so I never needed that sort of help. When dd and ds needed shoes though, it was my mom and dad who went out and got them to help us out. Tonight, my mother ordered a pizza for our dinner. She didn't send one to my brother and his wife (they are on their own now). Next Friday my mom will watch ds while I take dd to the orthodontist. Being right next door, I suspect that she will have logged more hours babysitting for my dc then she will ever for my brother (if he has kids that is). But, if you tallied food and free rent, he has gotten the better financial gain I bet.

 

The bottom line is that I know my parents' hearts. I will try to model after them in the sense that they have always tried to help meet our needs even as my brother and I are adults, and it has been in such a way that I have not felt the need to tally up my blessings from my parents vs my brother's blessings.

 

You can't control how your dh's parents distribute blessings, but I would discourage you from thinking that you have to do the exact same things for siblings or do nothing at all. If you obsess over equal everything, then you will train your kids to expect this sort of behavior and that won't be fair to anyone.

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I think it completely depends on the needs and dynamics of each child/relationship. Adult relationships are different and much more nuanced than parent-child relationships with young children living in the same house.

 

Does it bother your husband? If it doesn't bother him, then maybe it's just an issue of different family values.

 

The example that you gave, child care, was interesting. You said that you choose not to leave your children with the in-laws. Why particularly does it bother you that they babysit your BIL's children? (For example, if even treatment is the issue, if you don't ask them to sit for you, do you expect them to decline to sit for dh's brother too?)

 

And, as adults, have your dh and his brother established different relationships with their parents? If your BIL is nearby and makes himself a part of their daily lives, maybe a closer or different kind of relationship has developed that looks unequal.

 

I think those are the questions I'd start with, rather than focus on the idea that equality=exactly the same treatment.

 

:grouphug: It's hard to deal with family sometimes.

 

Cat

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As for my own kids, I buy my 4yo a lot more clothes than I buy my 5yo. Why? Because she's bigger. My 5yo has more clothes than she knows what to do with just in hand-me-downs. I buy her something once in a while just because I'm nice, but I'd be crazy to try to make it "equal." She may resent this someday, but I hope she gets over it once she realizes how silly it would be for her to have two wardrobes.

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So my questions are:

Is it fair/expected to treat siblings equal? (for example: paying for each child's college, buying a car, etc)

Should expectations be set early? (parents financial support with cars, college, weddings, getting started in life)

Anyone with any experiences to share?

 

I'm totally into treating my kids as equal as possible throughout their lives. They are close in age and I don't want to favor one over the other. In my book, it is better to not do anything for the siblings before leaving one out (because clearly all the above examples are all contingent with the parents having $ to help in the first place).

 

Thanks... I'm done rambling now!

 

Fair and equal are not the same. Finances can change so promises should not be made that we did this for your brother, and we will do it for you too. Do the best you can to be fair, within reason, but mostly LOVE them and never let them think one is more or less deserving of love. Love is not the same thing as giving cash or things to one and not the other. One might need it more than the other. We are likely to give far more materially to one child than the other as they reach their twenties and thirties. Why? Because one will need more help than the other as far as establishing themselves. It would be UNFAIR to give them equal resources when one needs more than the other.

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Is it fair/expected to treat siblings equal? (for example: paying for each child's college, buying a car, etc)

Should expectations be set early? (parents financial support with cars, college, weddings, getting started in life)

Anyone with any experiences to share?!

 

No, I do not think "fair" is a good term here. Needs are different - so parental support will be different.

My sister lived at home with my parents until her daughter was five years old. My parents watched the child a lot, helped out with picking up from daycare. Sister and kid went on vacation with parents for many years. When sister moved out, my parents supported her financially for a few more years until she had finished her residency and was earning an income.

 

I have two kids. My mother babysat a few nights when they were little. She was working, and had to help my sister with my niece. My parents did not support me financially after I moved out.

 

I do not consider this unfair and would not have expected them to spend equal time and money on each of us because our life situations were very different: my sister was a single mother, had her child when she was 18, still had to go to college, child has cerebral palsy.

I finished college and graduate school and got married before having children; I have a husband and did not need financial help.

My sister and her daughter needed my parent's help - my children and I did not. I am grateful that I did not need their assistance - and I am glad for my sister that she could receive their assistance and support.

Life is not fair and equal. My parents raised me and provided for me when I was a child- what they do now that we are grown up is their's to decide.

My sister and niece are closer geographically, spend more time with them. We now see them only in summers. They love us equally.

 

ETA: I do not think expectations should be set and promises made early on. Nobody knows what life brings. Life may bring needs for one sibling the other one doe snot have. life may bring financial hardship for parents so they can not give one sibling what they were able to give an older one.

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My dh has 8 siblings. They are all in different seasons of life - some are grandparents, some are parents of small children, and some are not married yet. They live in different areas of the country, and they all have different personalities. His parents love all of us, but they have different relationships with everyone. Some kids they have bonded with as adults, some they have not. Some grandchildren have similar interests to them, some do not. No one (well, except for a couple of SILs) keep tabs on how money and time is spent. We all KNOW we are loved, but everyone recongizes that needs and circumstances are different.

 

We don't get jealous when they spend extra time with dh's sister and BIL. The four of them have scads of fun together. One SIL does get jealous of the time they spend with us. That is annoying. She seems to think that they should visit them the exact same amount as they visit us. Well....their family isn't as welcoming. I'm sure they don't see it, though.

 

My mom has indirectly told me that she enjoys visiting us more than my brother's family. We have an active, fun family culture that they don't have. My brother wouldn't feel slighted at all if he knew. He would probably agree that we are more fun to visit!

 

Our perspective has been to not put expectations on our parents. With no expectations, we are rarely disappointed. :001_smile:

 

I'm not sure what my point is other than I get annoyed with my SIL who doesn't seem to view my il-laws as regular people who are "allowed" to have different relationships with their adult children.

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I'm the oldest. My parents have helped me and my dh a lot less than my sisters. One of my sisters lived with them with her dd for several years. One of my other sisters lives in a house provided by my parents rent-free (she does pay utilities).

 

But, they needed help. DH and I really don't. Treating your kids "fairly" does not mean treating them *the same*, IMO.

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Fair treatment of your children is giving each child what they need. Your job as a parent is to make a functional member of society. They need to know what their gifts are and you should encourage them. So one child might have no ambition and one might want to be a doctor. Obviously, the child who wants to be a doctor will need more from you. The one with no ambition just wants to be happy. That will not require extra classes, learning opportunities, etc. It will require time with Mom learning how to run a household, etc. They may not work out to equal money or time, but it is fair because it is what each needs. Of course, you may not be able to provide what each needs, but you do your best.

 

Fair does not mean equal.

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People do what they can do when they can do it.

 

It's not a contest. Decent people will give what they can when they can. When my oldest was an undergrad, my MIL slipped $50 bills to him frequently. My middle two will never know that thrill, as MIL died last year. My youngest will know it from us. In hope, she will be an undergrad when we can get to our investments without penalty.

 

As another example, I was working fulltime, as was my mother, when my older sister had her kids, so we couldn't babysit much. Yet, as I do not now 'work', and my mother is retired, my younger sister gets 100% free babysitting from both of us. :)

 

Some parents might play favorites, but it takes some depth to understand that it's mostly not personal, but situational.

Edited by LibraryLover
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My mom is the same with my children and it makes me very angry. I never noticed her being this way with me and my half-brother. I guess that makes me feel more angry, like she must really dislike those couple of grandchildren to be so obvious.

 

I worry about being financial equal with ours. Cars, college, gifts, etc. We will be able to afford things for the oldest couple but then will have many coming up in age at the same time behind them that money will get tighter, then we'll have fewer children by the last couple. It's those middle children I worry about shafting.

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Thanks everyone! This situation is something I just have to get over and try not to let it bother me. It stems from dh's family's history of broken relationships and the resulting bitterness. Like I said, dh and I are totally different from them because we are Christians and that causes some friction too. We all have a cordial relationship, but definitely not close. The grandparents totally adore our children and do things for them, but have done very little for dh and have been very critical.

Now that I think of it, his grandpa kind of stepped in as the father figure and helped him during late high school/college years, which we are grateful. He did not do this for dh's brother, but was able to land brother a job out of college, so like many of you said this is an example of helping where the children need it, just not in an exactly equal way.

I needed to write this and get it out of my system. Thanks for listening!

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People do what they can do when they can do it.

 

It's not a contest. Decent people will give what they can when they can. When my oldest was an undergrad, my MIL slipped $50 bills to him frequently. My middle two will never know that thrill, as MIL died last year. My youngest will know it from us. In hope, she will be an undergrad when we can get to our investments without penalty.

 

As another example, I was working fulltime, as was my mother, when my older sister had her kids, so we couldn't babysit much. Yet, as I do not now 'work', and my mother is retired, my younger sister gets 100% free babysitting from both of us. :)

 

Some parents might play favorites, but it takes some depth to understand that it's mostly not personal, but situational.

 

:iagree: Thanks, this is what I was trying to say but kept erasing because it sounded snippy in my words.

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What breeds discontentment and jealousy, is favoritism, not when parents help differently.

 

My mom and dad favor my little brother because he's theirs, and I'm not my (step) fathers. That's the way it is. I adore him, he's clueless. The only thing I can do is make sure my kids are never treated the same. They buy him whatever he asks for, pay for his lawyers, unlimited loans for his business, whatever. I'm not talking little stuff, I'm talking tens of thousands stuff. When I call for some seed money (to open a store) because we were strapped, I get zilch.

 

Finances change, but I will emotionally and physically support them and their families as much as physically possible.

Edited by justamouse
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My grandmother had 10 children along with many, many grandchildren and great-grands before she passed away almost 30 years ago. There are still discussions about which child (and which grandchild) was her favorite - because literally she made us *all* feel like we were the favorite.

 

I hope I can be that way to my own children and future grandchildren.

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My grandmother had 10 children along with many, many grandchildren and great-grands before she passed away almost 30 years ago. There are still discussions about which child (and which grandchild) was her favorite - because literally she made us *all* feel like we were the favorite.

 

I hope I can be that way to my own children and future grandchildren.

 

 

:001_smile: :iagree:

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I(snip)

So my questions are:

Is it fair/expected to treat siblings equal? (for example: paying for each child's college, buying a car, etc)

Should expectations be set early? (parents financial support with cars, college, weddings, getting started in life)

Anyone with any experiences to share?

 

(snip)!

 

My kids are adults, and I came from a family where favoritism existed.

 

I'm against' "equal", I want "fair". this was very well driven home in a lecture on helping LD kids. the one frequent comment from *teachers* that came up would be that giving accomodations to LD kids wasn't "equal/fair". well no, but then NT kids don't need those accomodations.

people aren't the same, and what works for one doens't necessarily work for another. giving them what they need is "fair".

 

If parents can help with things, great, BUT, there is such as thing as doing too much and end up making them dependent upon you and unable to stand on their own feet.

 

my one piece of advice to you is to let go of your jealousy about your il's playing favorites. It's not worth hit, and you'll feel much better about yourself, and that will pass on to your children when they notice grandma's favoritism. It's "grandma's" problem.

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Fair and equal are not the same. Finances can change so promises should not be made that we did this for your brother, and we will do it for you too. Do the best you can to be fair, within reason, but mostly LOVE them and never let them think one is more or less deserving of love. Love is not the same thing as giving cash or things to one and not the other. One might need it more than the other. We are likely to give far more materially to one child than the other as they reach their twenties and thirties. Why? Because one will need more help than the other as far as establishing themselves. It would be UNFAIR to give them equal resources when one needs more than the other.

 

Very good post!! :iagree::iagree:

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I don't really know the answers to your questions OP. Your post hits a personal nerve with me. My MIL has been very wishy washy about scheduling things with us and has used strange excuses that remind me of "i need to wash my hair" when we really needed help. We have learned not to ask, which makes life difficult because I don't have any family nearby and limited friends I can ask for help.

 

My BIL is now married with a 1 yo dd and a 13 yo step dd. MIL has cancelled her own plans to babysit for them on numerous occasions. While I am very happy that BIL's family gets help when they need it I can't help but feel bad that my family does not. There hasn't been any change in situation with the ILs; we have a good relationship with them; my boys are easy, compliant kids; BIL's family is about the same place financially as we are; BIL's ILs are nearby and able to help - why can't my MIL help us out too when we need it? :confused:

Edited by SJ.
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I don't really know the answers to your questions OP. Your post hits a personal nerve with me. My MIL has been very wishy washy about scheduling things with us and has used excuses like "I have to pay my bills that day" when we really needed help. We have learned not to ask, which makes life difficult because I don't have any family nearby and limited friends I can ask for help.

 

My BIL is now married with a 1 yo dd and a 13 yo step dd. MIL has cancelled her own plans to babysit for them on numerous occasions. While I am very happy that BIL's family gets help when they need it I can't help but feel bad that my family does not. There hasn't been any change in situation with the ILs; we have a good relationship with them; my boys are easy, compliant kids; BIL's family is about the same place financially as we are; BIL's ILs are nearby and able to help - why can't my MIL help us out too when we need it? :confused:

 

I am *just* curious because there seem to be several like this. Does your BIL have a S/O who stays home with the kids? Or do they both work? Do you work at all? I sometimes feel that working moms are given more help/slack/leeway because they figure a SAHM should be able to be there. Obviously, I think SAHMs need help sometimes too, but I wonder what the dynamic is there?

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I am *just* curious because there seem to be several like this. Does your BIL have a S/O who stays home with the kids? Or do they both work? Do you work at all? I sometimes feel that working moms are given more help/slack/leeway because they figure a SAHM should be able to be there. Obviously, I think SAHMs need help sometimes too, but I wonder what the dynamic is there?

 

<edited to snippity snip> DH thinks it is because MIL was a SAHM who did not have family or friends to help her when she had young children.

 

Sorry OP for the thread-jack.

SJ

Edited by SJ.
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I'm in a very different position. I am the parent trying to figure out how to meet each child's needs without them all trying to figure out who I help more and why... it's VERY hard... it's actually quite overwhelming, but in my case, I have a whole lot of kids and I feel so spread thin when several have needs at the same time. Our situation is very different than yours, so I am not speaking to the op, but rather sharing my role in life relating to this topic, and with that said, I say I hope that my children will each know how much I love them individually and give me some slack... because I cannot possibly help each one the "same" and in years to come I may be in a better financial position to help a younger one much more than I have been able to help an older one, but it would not be a reflection of my love for them or favoring one (I would hope, anyway)(and, once again, this is speaking to my personal situation, not the op).

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My own parents did what they could for each of us. It might not have always been equal...ie. they spent a lot more time with my youngest sibling's activities because the rest of us were in college and they had more time and more money when he came along and right now my family lives 4 miles away from them while my siblings live on the other side of the country so my children and I have more time with their grandparents. I have to believe they did/do for each of us what they could and what we needed even if it wasn't always exactly the same.

 

I do know people who feel their parent plays particular attention to their sibling over themselves...I don't have first hand experience so not sure if it is just their perception or a reality.

 

In our family, I try to meet each child's needs. Does that mean that one gets more of my time and resources? Yep, right now it does but I make time for the others and they don't do without. I love them all equally and make sure they all feel that love and all have time with me and opportunities to pursue their own interests.

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my MIL clearly favors one of her dc, it is so obvious and becoming more and more so. Which would be find EXCEPT she is always going on and on about how she keeps everything the same between her 4 dc and absolutely does not treat them differently. It has become sickening. This past year her helping her favorite was directly hurting one of her other dc (its complicated). She knew this and acknowledged it, but would not stop. It has gotten to the point where no one wants to be around her.

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I think it's unrealistic to expect fair and equal treatment by our parents and in-laws. Looking for equal/fairness will only cause me to be bittter.

 

DH's the middle child and consequently in his family we can do nothing that hasn't already been done, and done better in their opinion. Our children therefore aren't as good as the other dgc. That's frustrating to me.

 

In my family I'm the youngest. I have something to offer to conversations. People listen to us and we're treated as adults like the rest of my sisters and their families.

 

Both of our parents try to do for each child & their family as the needs present themselves. We don't need scheduled child care help, but my bil who's recently divorced does. They help him out more with his kids than they ever have, or will, with ours.

 

I'd rather be treated like an adult than get fair & equal from my folks. I'd rather have a good friendship with the folks.

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Both of our parents try to do for each child & their family as the needs present themselves. We don't need scheduled child care help, but my bil who's recently divorced does. They help him out more with his kids than they ever have, or will, with ours.

.

 

That's the way it's been in my family too. I've not needed--nor wanted--as much in the way of childcare as my SIL, and hold no grudges over the discrepancy. Ditto with the finances--inlaws bought a house to provide a home for SIL and children at *very* low rent when she divorced. Financially it will never be equal for our two families, but I'm glad they're able to help her out in this way just as my grandparents helped out my mom when she was a struggling single parent.

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Oh goodness, there are so many dynamics here it will drive you crazy!

...pettiness

...jealousy

...the need to feel right/wanted

 

Now, the tricky part is I was talking about your inlaw...but you see how when one person exhibits these characteristics it brings about a mirror effect in ourselves? The key is to let it go, love them through their shortcomings...then perhaps that will be mirrored back to you..but do not go n expecting it, just pray it happens.

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I'm totally into treating my kids as equal as possible throughout their lives. They are close in age and I don't want to favor one over the other. In my book, it is better to not do anything for the siblings before leaving one out (because clearly all the above examples are all contingent with the parents having $ to help in the first place).

 

Thanks... I'm done rambling now!

 

Dh grew up in a family with an extreme version of this, and not surprisingly, the kids caught on very early and it stuck with them through adulthood. If one child got something, the others not only expected that they would get the same, they believed they were owed it. It's pathetic. When they found out that mom and dad helped Jim buy a van when his family vehicle broke down, it instantly went into the mental "mom and dad owe me this" bank for the other siblings. When dh and I were married, I was shocked that my SIL told me about all the things that I had "coming to me" in money/gifts.

 

To be fair, dh is not like this - we have lived far away from the family and have been able to avoid most of this kind of interaction. And now that his parents are very poor, well, it's kind of a mute point for his siblings.

 

All of that to say, I think in reality his parents did it that way to avoid ever having to put any effort into it. It didn't matter what this kids wanted/needed, they were going to get pillows for their first wedding anniversary, by golly, and we won't have any fighting over it! :D

Edited by Susan in TN
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Dh grew up in a family with an extreme version of this, and not surprisingly, the kids caught on very early and it stuck with them through adulthood. If one child got something, the others not only expected that they would get the same, they believed they were owed it. It's pathetic. When they found out that mom and dad helped Jim buy a van when his family vehicle broke down, it instantly went into the mental "mom and dad owe me this" bank for the other siblings. When dh and I were married, I was shocked that my SIL told me about all the things that I had "coming to me" in money/gifts.

 

 

 

Wow that is extreme!

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Do any of you say anything to the offending parent/grandparent? :confused:

 

I have spoken to my mom multiple time about her unequal treatment of my children. She has put in some effort to change, but it's not enough yet. I've been very clear that this is not acceptable. She lives with us, so I think it will take her longer as she has to change every gut reaction she has all day long.

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