Wanting to help my boys manage their media (tv, computer, handhelds) time better.

[Jennefer@SSA]

Can you share with me how to help your children manage tv/computer/video game time? I would love to hear how other families have dealt with this (and not just those who have chunked the tv out the window ;)) Here is my story:

 

My boys are completely media/game addicted. For us media includes computer, PS3, Wii and Leapsters. We currently limit their time to 30 minutes of educational computer or Leapster time per day on school days and 1 hour on Saturdays but it can be any type of media (meaning it doesn't have to be educational).

 

Our boys also get a movie night on Mondays while we are doing small group downstairs. They watch one or two shows on Friday nights and occasionally a bit of other tv here and there if they have a sitter or if there is a fun show on Animal Planet we watch as a family.

 

In a post awhile back when I posted about this one mom shared that those things which are withheld are coveted; her suggestion was not to limit it and allow them to self-regulate b/c they would eventually burn out. NOT mine. Really and truly mine would play just about all day every day, especially my Aspie who has very addictive tendencies anyway.

 

I do not feel that our boys are extremely limited yet they are like little addicts, always planning their next "fix". They talk about it all.the.time. At breakfast on Monday they are talking about what they will play that coming Saturday.:tongue_smilie: My natural tendency is to ban all media (done it a few times now actually) but I want to help them manage better - not just jump to an extreme. The reality is that I like a bit of mommy media time, too. I have one show I DVR to watch a week plus a cooking show or two. I usually watch a documentary on Netflix a few times a month as well. I come here for a bit of "playtime" as well every once in a while. ;)

 

We are so fed up with it. They are asking constantly if they can do this or that, always media/video game related. They have a beautiful playroom full of toys. They are all great readers and enjoy reading (and we have oodles and oodles of books and audio books). They are active in sports and enjoy riding bikes, playing soccer and baseball and such. Yet video games/tv is their one true love that holds the affections of their hearts. :crying:

 

Dh and I are thinking of giving them a media "allowance" each week. Maybe 5 tokens that each represent 30 minutes of media. They can use them any time they wish but when they are done, they are done. They cannot watch each other (another huge issue in our house - one is having media time and the other two are standing there watching) or talk about it either.

 

Dh mentioned last night that he thinks they should maybe have to earn these five tokens. What would that look like? Our boys already have morning and evening chores. We are dealing with some pretty huge issues in regards to our Aspie obeying and/or treating others with respect. Life is all.about.him. We are thinking how we could use this to help him exercise better self-control (he has it, he just chooses not to use it most of the time).

 

Sigh, I am tired just typing all this out. I think we have gotten to this point for a few reasons:

 

1. Oldest, the Aspie, is adored by his younger brothers and he has such a HUGE love for this stuff and holds it so dear that the youngers have followed suit.

 

2. Sometimes playtime in our house is not so fun. My oldest can end up EXTREMELY frustrated when others do not follow his "script". The youngers end up just as frustrated that big brother is controlling every.little.thing. Fights break out, feelings get hurt, yelling happens. I think video time is safer in many respects. We are working really, really hard on these issues with our oldest but it is still the default when we (dh and I) are the slightest bit distracted or when the boys are tired and so on.

 

A friend of mine had to earn tv time by reading when he was growing up. 30 minutes of reading bought 30 minutes of tv. Even through hs! If he wanted to watch a 3 hour football game on Saturday, he had to plan that in advance and read 3 hours before the game started sometime that week prior.

 

Okay I am rambling at this point. I am hoping that some of you have dealt with similar issues and/or have some great ideas to share! :001_smile:

[laundrycrisis]

When mine act like addicts or are disrespectful in relation to it, I take it all away completely for at least a week, longer if it takes them longer to quit asking for it. Until they get happy doing other things, they don't get any of it back.

 

At one point I took all the Xbox games away for something like six months ! I even locked them away from DH.

[nono]

My kids pray a lot for rain. :) Because, on rainy days, if they've earned their chits by being out and about on the previous sunny days, they can "OD" for a couple hours on various screened media. They have a blast deciding how they are going to portion up the big block of time. My dh and I also join them for some of the games. No, I'm not going to play that silly old Goofy Skateboarding game on the PC, but heck, yeah, I'll come in and race in Mario Kart for awhile!

 

Maybe something like that would be appealing to them?

 

The rest of the time, eh, I try to fill their day up with other activities post-school so that they aren't asking. And, when there's nothing else to do, sure, :chillpill: with the screen. But play nice, and if I hear any squabbling, session is done. Immediately! Mine are young, so I'll let you know in a couple more years if this is still working! :D

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I have not been successful, but my plan- I have index cards labeled with "15 minutes electronic time" and the kids earn them through chores and school work. Ds can redeem his on Saturdays, and dd on Sunday. They are allowed to watch on the other person's day, but can't pick.

 

They earn for sets of things. So ds can earn one card when he does his morning chores, not a card per chore.

 

I have not been successful because I'm allowing distractions to break me. When the insurance company calls, or anything important, I'll let them go watch TV to be quiet for a few minutes and I have not been able to force myself to get it turned back off.

[UmMusa]

I've taken all electronics away for a week when I've noticed the super-addictive mania set in. They figure out how to live without it, and then they start acting like level headed human beings!

 

I give my kids one hour a day of 'electronics' which means game time. My girls always play games on the computer and my son plays XBox. Sometimes they measure whether they'd rather play Wii or Xbox, but they've fallen into this pattern of computer games/Xbox.

 

We do have iPads and now my son bought his own iPod Touch, so it's much harder to control the games and shows he watches on that. They also will sit and watch whatever TV Dh is watching after dinner (usually a classic car show lol). I factor that in mentally when I figure the one hour of 'gaming' time I give them. I don't mind if they're hanging with their dad at night for a little bit b/c their dad isnt' the type to engage them in much else. Weekends they're allowed 2 hours total, so we talk to them about rationing the time out to a morning and afternoon part.

 

One last thing, since the three kids don't always do their 'electronics' at the same time, I hear the XBox on for a long time, or the computer games, because they're not all using it at the same time. That drives me crazy, so I'll tell them (and this is mostly if we're taking a break from school or if it's the weekedn) that they have to turn everything off by 10am and then they can pick it back up after 5pm. This way no one is whining about having 15 minutes left that they want to use, and then another kid gets caught up in watching the first kid play yet turns around and whines about having 20 minutes left on her time and now wants to play more. I get a block of my day where my kids can think without the clutter of the game, and they actually start to play with each other when none of them is thinking of how many minutes they have left that they're allowed to play.

[ma23peas]

My son is a sweetheart, he is 16 and procrastinates on school assignments at times, but rarely utters a word of discontentment or gives his father and me pause...unless it pertains to video/computer time.

 

We have struggled with this for 2 years. My bottom line is, does it make him a stronger person or a weaker person? All the points you make clearly show weaker...so why would we throw our kids into the lion's den and say have as much as you want, work it out for yourself? WE are the parents, is it not our responsibility to know how our kids respond, what they are doing, and is it living out a life that is worthy of their gifts and talents?

 

We, on several occasions, have calmly but firmly said 'Enough'...went so far two years ago to sell all our Wii set (very happy Dad in NC) on ebay...we used all the money from that to pay for their Christmas that year! :) The Xbox was his 'reward' for going 2 months without the Wii...that only brought about the same issues....fool me once...etc.

 

We have had no video games in the house for 4 months. We, like you, have allowed him the same time limits..but actually cut all electronics off during school weeks at time...but it still became an issue of self control/dishonesty (leaving for 2 hours to take daughters to dance and he had an assignment, but he got on the computer) etc. So, we put more controls in place, out of our 7 computers (dh is a software engineer, we get them all the time) only mine (password protected) has internet access before 8pm..the kids computers come on from 8-10pm when both my husband and I are always home and can monitor.

 

I do believe this 'extreme' has helped them have self control....they now find alternative things to do, they know it's impossible to get on during those hours and often at nights no one even turns them on.

 

The other day, I offered to my son who has had a huge turnaround in maturity (i attribute to taking those things away!) that perhaps he could have a video console back for Christmas...these were his words..

"Nah, I really wasted too much time playing that stuff." My heart about fell out of my mouth! I wanted to jump up for joy and scream...i held it in and just said, 'whatever you think is best.' I truly believe it messes with their system just as an addict would for coffee/alcohol etc. they aren't themselves and the words that come out of their mouths to 'get more time' are not reflective of the children I raised.

 

I honestly believe it is best to remove it all for any child who puts a value on those wasted moments in front of a glass screen..whether it be a computer/iphone/console....our children are worth more. My son found rowing, and 5 day a week practices helped him put into perspective what is important, he is healthier, stronger and wiser...find some other avenue for them to get 'plugged in'

[Jennefer@SSA]

I am thankful I am not the only one dealing with the tv/media addictions. I was explaining to my boys this morning how when we traveled to my grandparents when I was a child (9 hours each way) we didn't have tv/iPads/leapsters. They were aghast! ;) Since I would get carsick the only thing I could do was look straight ahead and sit very still...and maybe sleep a bit. They were shocked. :tongue_smilie:

 

I sat them down this morning and explained this weekend there would be no media time whatsoever. We just returned from a visit with grandparents and there was quite a bit of screen time between travel and such. I told them it was their responsibility to keep occupied but I would be available to give them ideas if they got stuck.

[Alte Veste Academy]

OK, the first thing I will say is please don't make screen time a reward for reading. That makes me sad, as it turns reading into a chore.

 

I don't think we have had problems to the same extreme you have but when they have had too much Wii and it shows in their behavior, they know what's coming. I tell them deadpan that video games are like junk food for the brain and when they are having a temper tantrum and/or a "rush" over it, that is like their brains throwing up, just like they would throw up if I let them eat sweets all day. "And can Mom let you eat sweets all day? Should I?" For some reason, this comparison makes sense to them and so far they have responded well to it. They've also heard me say a million times that when electronics become the most important thing to them, it's become too important. My job is to teach them self-control and until they have it, I will have all the control. They know that if they talk about Wii non-stop (as you describe your boys planning for their next "fix"), they are showing me that it is too important and they may lose the privilege completely the following weekend (they get 2 hours per day on Sat and Sun, but they typically get no other real screen time during the week unless it's educational). I don't think your time limits are severe at all. It might be because it is only 1 hour on the weekend days that they obsess. You might not have to give them all the time in the world, but maybe a bit more time would take the edge off? Time might be something to experiment with.

 

My concern about a token allowance would be what if the three boys redeemed their tokens at different times? Would the other two be distracted or sucked in during their brothers' times? I don't know how that would work. I can see how it would be a good way for your oldest to work on his behavior though. That's a good point and might be worth a try.

 

Instead of tokens, I might be tempted to sit them down and discuss how they get x amount of time but that y amount will be deducted from that every time they discuss it outside of the allotted time. You could allow them 15 minutes a day penalty-free to plan and discuss strategy if they truly enjoy these discussions.

 

Whatever you decide to do, good luck. I know taking it away entirely is encouraged by some but I feel my job is to teach them self-control before they go out into a world where I will have no control, you know?

 

ETA: Are they outside and/or out in nature frequently? Weren't you kind of CM? I have found nature walks to be the best cure for electronics overload, and a great preventive strategy as well.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Alte Veste Academy

[Alessandra]

It's tough!

 

I don't give tokens or try in any way to make screen time a "reward." Ds is welcome to veg out with computer, movies for a while after a busy week. When he does that, I tell him that it is good for him to relax.

 

But I draw the line when screen time interferes with other activities. For, example, if it is a beautiful day and we are going on a family hike, being online is not an excuse for opting out.

 

Our rule is that if ds starts getting "addicted" (as in screaming when I tell him to stop), then all screen privileges are gone until further notice. I follow through on that threat, so it works.

[Alessandra]

OK, the first thing I will say is please don't make screen time a reward for reading. That makes me sad, as it turns reading into a chore.

 

I don't think we have had problems to the same extreme you have but when they have had too much Wii and it shows in their behavior, they know what's coming. I tell them deadpan that video games are like junk food for the brain and when they are having a temper tantrum and/or a "rush" over it, that is like their brains throwing up, just like they would throw up if I let them eat sweets all day. "And can Mom let you eat sweets all day? Should I?" For some reason, this comparison makes sense to them and so far they have responded well to it. They've also heard me say a million times that when electronics become the most important thing to them, it's become too important. My job is to teach them self-control and until they have it, I will have all the control. They know that if they talk about Wii non-stop (as you describe your boys planning for their next "fix"), they are showing me that it is too important and they may lose the privilege completely the following weekend (they get 2 hours per day on Sat and Sun, but they typically get no other real screen time during the week unless it's educational). I don't think your time limits are severe at all. It might be because it is only 1 hour on the weekend days that they obsess. You might not have to give them all the time in the world, but maybe a bit more time would take the edge off? Time might be something to experiment with.

 

 

This is basically our philosophy, burt you have put it so well!

 

Yesterday, ds was playing computer games endlessly. I offered that he could rake leaves and earn some money. He jumped up & thanked me -- said he'd been getting a bit bored. He got up this morning and went right out to rake leaves. Sometimes it's good to let kids get the games out of their systems IMHO.

 

(We are helped in that our only console is an old Game Cube.)

[Jennefer@SSA]

OK, the first thing I will say is please don't make screen time a reward for reading. That makes me sad, as it turns reading into a chore.

 

First off, thanks for sharing. I would love to discuss this further and get more opinions. I wasn't posting that saying this is what I would do for sure, just as an idea. I can argue both sides. I certainly never want my boys to see reading as a chore or punishment (for the same reason I never use schoolwork or writing Bible verses as punishment). At the same time reading is a huge value in our home. Dh and I are huge readers. The way my friend described it he never viewed reading as a punishment growing up. His dad explained to him that reading is one of the most valuable and worthwhile things you can do with your time. It was a priority and came first. The "brain candy" could only come after the really good stuff had been completed. Reading got the best part of their time and energy, media only got the leftovers when brains were tired and needed a break. I would think a HUGE part of how kids took it would be in how it was presented AND if the kids truly see from the parents living it out that reading is a priority as well. It might embitter them to hear parents preach it but not live it out themselves.

 

Agree? Disagree?

[nono]

May I back you up a second? How does it go in the car? Do you have any rules?

 

My kids (again, young!) ride 17 hrs to Florida 2 -3 x a year. They don't have hand-held devices. They do have a DVD player, that is only allowed to be used for 3 hrs total for the trip. That's the extent of screen time on the ride. And, my kids BEG to take car trips all the time. Much moreso than they ever do for a video game.

[redsquirrel]

Well, we don't own a TV or any games that get used on a TV. The boys may watch a movie on DVD or streaming on Netflix at 4:30 while I make dinner. If we go on a very long car trip we have portable DVD players, but it has to be at least a 3 hour trip. I've never had to think about how long the trip would be because they've never asked for a short trip. We only break it out when we visit my mom (6 hours in the car) or go to Maine (2 days of 6 hours).

 

We do own one Dij but they don't seem to really use it all that often. I've never had to tell them not to use it. It doesn't leave the house. I don't think they have ever asked. They can go months without touching it.

 

Now, for Christmas, each boy is getting an iTouch. That will be a big deal. For the first couple months, I expect it will be the hot thing to play with and I am fine with that. They can play in the morning or after lessons. I expect it will be used the same way as the Dij. I am considering not allowing it in the bedroom. My older son is expected to be in his room at 8 but lights out at 9. He spends that time reading, listening to audio books and playing with legos. I don't think I will let the itouch into that mix. But, it might be fine.

[Emmy]

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Edited November 27, 2011 by Emmy

[Emmy]

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Edited November 27, 2011 by Emmy

[Cindyz]

My son can choose his activities each week day after 4pm and on the weekends around our usual lesson time (yes we do lessons on Saturdays and Sundays) and family activities. He can choose if he wants to play video games, play with toys, read books, play on the computer, etc. There are days when he chooses video games or computers more and then there are days when he chooses to mostly read and then there are days when he's obsessed with legos and wants to listen to music while putting together a set and sometimes he wants to write a book or color, etc. I think that by not making it too restrictive, he knows that the video games and computer and tv is there whenever and he's not clamoring to do it all the time.

 

Of course this could change as he gets older and I may have to come up with more restrictions, we will see!

 

Also, his free time fully depends on him completing his lessons and having a good attitude. Video games, computers, and tv are the first privilege to be removed as a consequence when he has negative behavior.

[ecj98]

I often send DS to read 2 chapters of his current book in exchange for 30 minutes or so of screen time.

[Jennefer@SSA]

May I back you up a second? How does it go in the car? Do you have any rules?

 

My kids (again, young!) ride 17 hrs to Florida 2 -3 x a year. They don't have hand-held devices. They do have a DVD player, that is only allowed to be used for 3 hrs total for the trip. That's the extent of screen time on the ride. And, my kids BEG to take car trips all the time. Much moreso than they ever do for a video game.

 

We have just started limiting videos in the car this year. My youngest is not a happy traveler. Our last 2 car trips we have alternated audio books and movies on the portable DVD players. On this trip we tried letting them look at books but they all are like me and got car sick after about two minutes. :tongue_smilie: The first trip was more successful b/c they engaged with the audio book better. This time they didn't like it as much and it made the whole trip harder. I learned to always have a back up in the future! ;)

[whiskeywife]

Both my kids are allowed one hour of tv each day during the week. No video games during the week. On mon, wed and fri DS is allowed one hour of computer time. Usually during that time he plays computer games. On the weekends they are allowed video games between the hours of 9-5. If I didn't set certain hours, DS would be up at 4 in the morning just to play longer. I used to have weekend video games set to one hour but I am trying to get them to self regulate. DS 17 will get bored and do something else, but DS 13 will not. I usually have to tell him he's played enough and he needs to start wrapping it up and get off. DS 13 would play all day, every day if I let him.

[PhotoGal]

Your guidelines sound pretty similar to mine. We have movie night once a week - but it has to be something the adults want to watch too. :001_smile: The kids can play wii after 4pm on Sat/Sun. THey can either play 1 hour together or 1/2 hour seperately (so they almost always play together). That way if they are watching each other, it is still just 1 hour total. We also have a DVD player in the car, so they see some DVDs that way. They can play a Math computer game while I switch who I am working with (so dd plays while I'm doing Math with ds, then switch).

 

I would say they aren't as obsessed as they have been in the past. It may have been as other people have mentioned - it was more exciting when the games were new. We haven't bought a new game for the wii for awhile.

 

Yes, it is a little disheartening that they get SO excited about the wii versus other things.

 

However, I think they do get some good things out of computer/DVD/wii time. Some games have involved problem solving, persistence (keep trying until you get past the level), cooperation when they play together, and so on. Also, they have learned from many of the DVDs - not only academically but also just being in touch with "American culture" in a way. Like when the kids were on a Looney Tunes kick I thought that at least they now know these characters that are a big part of American culture, kwim? So the time isn't wasted time, though I do agree that there needs to be a balance of time/interest in other things.

 

I also agree that my kids would not regulate themselves if I wasn't regulating them. They would play all day for sure!

[butterflymommy]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding... but you already limit it to 30 min/ day and 1 hr on Saturday, and you consider them addicts? Gaming addiction is when people do not eat or sleep enough, quit their jobs, neglect their family, to keep on gaming. Your kids might be very into gaming, but they are not addicts.

 

You can't go much less than what you're already doing unless you eliminate the games completely, or allow just the weekends. And unless you have them play alone in a locked room you can't stop them from watching each other, either.

 

If you're so uncomfortable with gaming why are there a PS, Wii, and leapsters in the house?

 

As far as our rules, we let the younger ones have an hour a day during the week if all assignments have been completed, and they alternate taking hour turns on the weekends (there are 4 kids sharing one computer). But I have really struggled with my oldest son (who has his own computer, which he paid for)-- who *is* a gaming addict-- he will get on at 4pm after homeschool hours are done and not get off until 11pm. On weekends he is up at 6am, on the computer, and off at 11pm. He will stop when I ask him to chores but immediately go back to the computer.

 

My advice to you, if you are that uncomfortable with gaming, is to get the games out of the house completely before they're teens and it's too late. I sometimes wish I'd done this with my son. It's a tough call.

[Jennefer@SSA]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding... but you already limit it to 30 min/ day and 1 hr on Saturday, and you consider them addicts? Gaming addiction is when people do not eat or sleep enough, quit their jobs, neglect their family, to keep on gaming. Your kids might be very into gaming, but they are not addicts.

 

When I say that I didn't mean to make light of true addictions. I am sorry if I came off flippant. I just meant that my boys seem to always be planning their next "fix". They are constantly talking about what their next game will be, even if it's a week away. Drawing time often consists of drawing things from their games. Outside playtime is Mario Kart where they are racing around the yard pretending to be in the video game. It drives me crazy. I am not a gamer. Never have been. As a child I always had my nose in a book and despised tv or video games. When I got grounded I was forced to put my book away and come watch tv with the family. :blink: I am trying to meet them in the middle and not be extreme by throwing games out completely (besides dh wouldn't let me - he is more moderate than me and doesn't jump to extremes ;)) I don't understand the draw of video games. I really don't. I know though that for dh they are the only time he can make his mind stop. His mind is constantly full of work and games allow him to disengage and be playful. My boys take after him for sure.