How much influence did your parents have...

[mcconnellboys]

It was always assumed that I would go to college and that it would be UT Knoxville. My mother attended there and it was the only school that was worthwhile in her opinion.

 

We didn't have any sort of decent guidance counselors at our school, no test prep, etc. We were told to be at school on a Saturday morning as Juniors to take the ACT. Our school didn't even take the SAT, even though it was more in favor at the time. When I ended up with high scores, save for my abysmal math grade (total was pretty high in spite of math), my mother did ask if she should get me tutored in math and let me retake it. The counselor's advice? No! It might be a fluke and she might score worse. Don't take it again.

 

I was still offered the honors program at UT, but was too afraid to join it. No scholarhips were applied for, no other schools were considered, nada....

 

I did go to UT, I lucked up with professors who allowed me to follow an honors program in spite of my not formally being enrolled. I took almost all upper division courses from the beginning, did graduate level research, and graduated in three years. I immediately started work on my master's but because of my messed up personal life ended up dropping out.

 

I won't get into all that, but I had no guidance from my parents in any area of my life and didn't do all that well as a young adult....

 

I had always worked growing up. My family owned several retail businesses and I worked in those from the time I was 11. Because of my experience, I easily picked up management, head cashier, or other leadership level jobs in college when I wanted work. Likewise, after leaving school, I was always able to find placement easily and work my way up within the business once I got there. I ended up training others in most of my jobs. I think that more than anything my parents ever "taught" me, just the work experience of growing up in a working family helped me to find this success.

 

My generation was the first for either my mother or father's family that was not "poor." I grew up solidly middle class. It's hard to say whether or not our income now would really be more than what my parents made, however, when you adjust for all the inflation that has occurred over time. We have always lived in a city and city life is different in many ways from life in the country (where I grew up), which also makes comparison difficult.

 

I hope that we will be able to help our children with inheritance, but if things go wrong for our economy, that could be difficult. We have certainly extended the offer that they may live with us if they like (if they get jobs in this area that would allow that) in order to help them save for future homes, etc. I think that we are going to see a return to more extended family living as we go forward in time if our economy continues along the same path.

 

In addition to the large unemployment rate, I don't really see much of an increase in salaries for jobs across the board right now, so I'm not really all that hopeful that our children will make larger salaries than we have - but maybe I'll be proved wrong in that regard....

 

I think that parents "may" have a lot of influence in how their children approach life, work, etc. But even instilling good work skills, ethic, etc. may not insure "success" in the sense of large salaries for jobs of the future. I hope that instilling a good sense of frugality, satisfaction with life apart from "things," strong family ties, etc. may help to overcome some of that....

[enviromommy]

My parents figured HUGELY in how I turned out.

 

I began begging for piano lessons when I was three. My parents did not own a piano, but I'd heard my dad play the one at church (dad plays mostly by ear, however, he did get three years of piano lessons as a child). I was mesmerized. Though my parents did not have extra money, they managed to squeak out $400.00 and purchased a very nice, used upright for me. They thought I was too young for lessons, so I played around for 2.5 years until they decided that maybe the most experienced might be willing to take an almost six year old though her studio policy was that she preferred seven year olds because they move very quickly once they can read decently. She took me and my parents never looked back. There were so many times when it was really hard to write a check for those lessons or buy music, but they did it...faithfully for 12.5 years. When it was clear that I was going to be a virtuoso, my dad traded a heating system and it's installation (worth several thousand dollars of income to my folks) for a retired concert pianist's practice baby grand piano. The pianist was moving into a vacation home and decided that just possibly his house was overcrowded since he had the baby grand, a studio grand, and a full concert grand all in one music room! I will NEVER forget the day she was moved into our living room. The pianist provided four master class lessons for me. He was the kindest, gentlest soul of a competitive musician that I've ever met. My parents will always be my heroes for doing this for me.

 

I actually wanted to major in marine biology and not music despite having developed the talent to head to conservatory. My dad was the one that had a really serious talk with me about not squandering my talent. So we made a compromise; I would major in piano performance, but at a LAC with a banging music department and not conservatory. I just didn't feel I had the personal heart to take the competition of piano performance to that level since things are positively BRUTAL at conservatories. As it was, I was in for a very rude awakening because the LAC was not much better in that department. I'd call home, so overworked, overstressed, exhausted, wanting to quit...my parents always managed to lift my spirits and find a way to keep me going. It was not easy for them. The year that I left for school, my parents only cleared $17,000.00 in their business....yet my dad stood in that registration line and whipped out $300.00 to pay for my books (my scholarship did not cover books, lab fees, music, etc. just tuition, plus 50% of room and board). They stuck with me and made some pretty huge sacrifices in order to do so. At the time, the only other sibling still at home was FIVE. They did this while still raising a little one who they were sending to a private school. My worked as a teacher's aide for no salary - exchanged for sis's tuition.

 

Additionally, when I was being so badly bullied during the middle school years at our local ps., had stopped eating, suffered debilitating insomnia from it, etc. they took me out of there and placed me in a new private school that had just opened. They couldn't afford tuition. Anyone who looked at their finances could see this. They found a way to make it happen. After a few weeks, I started gaining weight and sleeping again. The school had an independent study program for gifted students and so I managed to graduate a month after I turned 16. Again, all because they were making tough choices and huge sacrifices on my behalf.

 

Yep, they aren't perfect. No set of parents are. But, my folks will always be my heroes!

 

Mom and dad will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this May. We threw a huge openhouse for them on their 40th. So, my brother, sister, and I are saving to send them on a lovely vacation to Boyne Mountain Resort. (My mom loves water slides and this place has an 88,000 sq. ft. indoor water park. Well, plus the amazing golf courses and trout streams that rock my father's world.)

 

Faith

 

This is such a beautiful story! Wow. What wonderful, wonderful people your parents are. This is what I dream of being to my children. I think sacrificing for your children is incredibly noble and admirable.

 

I don't think any parent should pay for college or trade school for their kids. I think kids should work their way through in addition to being responsible for their own student loans (if they opt to take out loans) and getting scholarships.

 

As you can tell from my response to the other post, I STRONGLY disagree with this. I absolutely believe that children need to learn the value of hard work and that things should not be handed to them on a silver platter. Within reason, I think older teens should get jobs in the summers and even, if possible, during the school year, and I don't think it's the end of the world if they take out some loans. However, I truly believe that doing your utmost to provide your child with a fine education and with the nurturing that his or her talents deserve should be a goal (though not the only goal) of every parent.

 

As for my story, I'm another one for whom college was just assumed, and it would never have occurred to us not to go. In fact, I think anything less than an Ivy League caliber school would have shocked my parents. They paid for my college education, and I worked during the summers for my spending money. After college, I started working while trying to decide what to do next. I think if I had gone directly to graduate school, they would have continued to provide some level of support, though less than in college. As it was, I worked for three years before going to law school, and by that time it was assumed that I was an independent adult; I took out loans for law school and worked in the summers.

 

My parents absolutely influenced who I am today, in both good and bad ways. With some exceptions, our world views are very similar. Whether that is because of upbringing or genetics I won't hazard an opinion, because I think we just don't have any way of knowing for sure.

 

With respect to what I'm doing differently, although I stated that I think parents should give their children as much help as possible in starting out, I also think there is a balance, and that it is very important to learn how to work hard in all areas of life, and to function in the adult world. So I have my children do far more to help in the house than my parents did with me, and I talk to them more about the skills they will need (other than academic). One of the benefits of homeschooling, for me, is that they have the time to help with the functioning of the household. When I was in school, I was excused from almost everything because I had so much homework to do.

[Alenee]

So, what is this career??

:bigear:

 

I think my parents tried to encourage me...and I know they were very proud when I graduated from CC...however, they were not great at pushing. They wanted us to be happy, but had no vision of what we COULD be. My cousins all went to school and became doctors, nurses and one became a successful investigative journalist. My brother and I had no vision of who we COULD be...so, we didn't know what avenues to pursue. My dh had the same type of parents. We were loved....but not guided in any direction...or taught, or disciplined at all. Happy is not all it is cracked up to be if there is no direction or it is based on faulty assumptions. They did allow me to have flute lessons when I begged....but they also let me quit with the first complaint.

 

I am not blaming....these are just observances. I know they tried their hardest...but they didn't have much ambitions for their own lives. I think they were happy the way they were....and maybe that is better:confused::confused:

I am not so sure though.....

 

Faithe

 

I wanted/do want to become a nurse. My mom thought I would get too emotionally attached. She's right to a degree. For instance, I have a passion for special needs kids (specifically kids with autism or other spectrum disorders) but I also find that I can get pretty worked up about it. Parents who for whatever reason choose not to pursue help a.k.a. ignore the issues, really get to me. So I won't be going into Occupational Therapy. ;)

 

I also do not blame my mother. She did the best she could given her circumstances and her own personal issues and I've put away the rose colored glasses. I realize that I can put my life's work into my kids and watch them walk a road a wish they wouldn't. It doesn't mean I won't try though! :)

[mom4him]

on how YOU turned out?? Did your parents encourage you to attend college and move into a professional field or was it your own idea?

 

Did they NOT encourage higher education and you went despite their wishes....OR, did they encourage higher education and you didn't go....or did they discourage you and you didn't go.

 

Are you happy with where you stand in life? Do you wish you had known HOW to move up in the world? Did your parents teach you how....or did you learn on your own?

 

Are better or worse off than your parents are /were??? Do you think your kids are going to be better off or worse off than you??

 

Just how much influence DO parents have in their children's future??

 

Faithe (Who is just curious about how others view this.)

I would say my parents had a large influence in where I am today. My mom wanted me to go to college but to be honest I simply wanted to be a wife and mom. I did get married right our of high school and we started our family right away. After our first son was born I tried going to school but simply could not stand being away from him so much and dropped out. I worked part time at times when we really needed the money but again I always hated being our of our home.

My mom always provided a warm safe place for me and any friends I desired to have in our home. I hope I have come close to doing that with our children. At almost 63 and with a 12 yr old and almost 11 yr old I still love being that wife and mom. Looking back I have no regrets in not going into a professional field. I have raised 3 children or my own, baby sat multitudes of children, some from new born to when they no longer needed a sitter. We fostered over 21 children and then adopted our two youngest. I can honestly say that there have been some very difficult times but I would do it all over again.

[Mommyfaithe]

I wanted/do want to become a nurse. My mom thought I would get too emotionally attached. She's right to a degree. For instance, I have a passion for special needs kids (specifically kids with autism or other spectrum disorders) but I also find that I can get pretty worked up about it. Parents who for whatever reason choose not to pursue help a.k.a. ignore the issues, really get to me. So I won't be going into Occupational Therapy. ;)

 

I also do not blame my mother. She did the best she could given her circumstances and her own personal issues and I've put away the rose colored glasses. I realize that I can put my life's work into my kids and watch them walk a road a wish they wouldn't. It doesn't mean I won't try though! :)

 

Well, I am rooting for you!!! We need more medical personnel who have compassion and get " attached". I have given up blaming...and I am just looking forward. I know my parents were simple people. Their goals were living day to day. They loved us, but lacked vision.

 

Some of my children are easy to get a vision on. They have a particular strength or love...and it is natural to follow and encourage it. Oldest dd was a born designer. No questions....it is who she is. Dd #2 was much more difficult to figure out. Her talents blossomed as she got older and changed as she changed.....but as she grows, the vision for her grows too:D. My boys.....hmmmmmmm.........that is another story. They are all over the place in talent. They are smart, but I find it hard to guide their choices, maybe because I know their choice will effect so much more than them....it will effect their wives and their children. Sexist as it sounds....I find guiding the boys harder. I tried to guide the girls into studies that would provide them fulfillment and employment...from home if necessary. My boys, Who will need to support their future wives and children...the choices become slimmer and wider, if that Makes sense.

 

I am amazed to see where college and university were "expected", and not questioned...those people went to college and had great outcomes. They are grateful for the sacrifices their parents made for them Where it was an up in the air, left to the child decision....the result seems like there were lots of dropping out, or not finishing. And where it was not expected at all, or discouraged, Those kids( now adults), are sorry and somewhat frustrated with their lack of higher education or life opportunities.

 

I think I smell a poll coming:D

 

Faithe

[Mommyfaithe]

I would say my parents had a large influence in where I am today. My mom wanted me to go to college but to be honest I simply wanted to be a wife and mom. I did get married right our of high school and we started our family right away. After our first son was born I tried going to school but simply could not stand being away from him so much and dropped out. I worked part time at times when we really needed the money but again I always hated being our of our home.

My mom always provided a warm safe place for me and any friends I desired to have in our home. I hope I have come close to doing that with our children. At almost 63 and with a 12 yr old and almost 11 yr old I still love being that wife and mom. Looking back I have no regrets in not going into a professional field. I have raised 3 children or my own, baby sat multitudes of children, some from new born to when they no longer needed a sitter. We fostered over 21 children and then adopted our two youngest. I can honestly say that there have been some very difficult times but I would do it all over again.

 

This is a beautiful story. I have such a great respect for foster and adoptive Moms. I was that foster kid who was adopted. We had many friends and " cousins". Who were fosters. We called ourselves the " foster parade", and when we played together...we would actually have a parade. I played the pot lids!:D

 

Faithe (crash!)

[Murphy101]

:iagree:

 

Overcoming my childhood has been a lifelong and ongoing battle.

 

Sigh. Me too. It's often exhausting.

[mommaduck]

on how YOU turned out?? Did your parents encourage you to attend college and move into a professional field or was it your own idea?

 

Did they NOT encourage higher education and you went despite their wishes....OR, did they encourage higher education and you didn't go....or did they discourage you and you didn't go.

 

Are you happy with where you stand in life? Do you wish you had known HOW to move up in the world? Did your parents teach you how....or did you learn on your own?

 

Are better or worse off than your parents are /were??? Do you think your kids are going to be better off or worse off than you??

 

Just how much influence DO parents have in their children's future??

 

Faithe (Who is just curious about how others view this.)

Mine tried to encourage me to go into accounting. Due to family issues...mainly that my mother and grandmother were horrible mothers, but great accountants and neither really seemed to give a rip about me other than to tear me down...I decided to do everything the opposite of them. I went into childcare and became a SAHM-HSing mother. I love kids. However, I realised later that they were right, I'm good with the books as well. I aced an accounting course. Early in marriage, my grandmother made a wisecrack to my husband asking if I've ruined the check register yet. Uhm, no, in fact I'm the one that knew how to work a register and took care of it and all bills at that time. DH is good with budgeting and bills, but terrible with a register.

 

I was told that I was on my own for college, just like my folks were. However, they went massively into debt to put the golden child through college...this including supporting him and his girlfriend's living expenses.

[Garga]

on how YOU turned out?? Did your parents encourage you to attend college and move into a professional field or was it your own idea?

 

Did they NOT encourage higher education and you went despite their wishes....OR, did they encourage higher education and you didn't go....or did they discourage you and you didn't go.

 

Are you happy with where you stand in life? Do you wish you had known HOW to move up in the world? Did your parents teach you how....or did you learn on your own?

 

Are better or worse off than your parents are /were??? Do you think your kids are going to be better off or worse off than you??

 

Just how much influence DO parents have in their children's future??

 

Faithe (Who is just curious about how others view this.)

 

My parents were very influential to me. While they wanted me to get good grades in school, they didn't think that college was necessary to get a good job. I graduated in 1990 and perhaps, back then, that was still almost true. We all know nowadays that college in the new high school and without some sort of degree, you can't even get your foot in the door at most jobs.

 

I do wish they'd helped me get to college. We never even looked at anything related to college and I had no idea how to do it on my own, so I didn't. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't go while I was still single, or newly married before having kids.

 

I deeply respected them and their judgement. I got married at age 19, but if they hadn't liked my husband, I probably would have trusted their judgement and not married him. They wouldn't have demanded it, but I would have followed their advice.

 

They really don't know how to "get ahead" themselves, so they couldn't really teach me.

 

I try to sit down and explain to my kids how the world works, and my parents never did that. I wish they had.

 

However...with all that said....my GRANDparents were all pretty rotten people. So, considering that my parents not only weren't told how the world works, but were actively belittled or beaten, I think they did an AWESOME job parenting me. I am taking what they did do and building on it for my own kids. They managed to stop the cycle of abuse and alcoholism in their own lives and I'm sooooo grateful to them that I didn't have to be raised with what they were raised with.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Garga

[Mommyfaithe]

Mine tried to encourage me to go into accounting. Due to family issues...mainly that my mother and grandmother were horrible mothers, but great accountants and neither really seemed to give a rip about me other than to tear me down...I decided to do everything the opposite of them. I went into childcare and became a SAHM-HSing mother. I love kids. However, I realised later that they were right, I'm good with the books as well. I aced an accounting course. Early in marriage, my grandmother made a wisecrack to my husband asking if I've ruined the check register yet. Uhm, no, in fact I'm the one that knew how to work a register and took care of it and all bills at that time. DH is good with budgeting and bills, but terrible with a register.

 

I was told that I was on my own for college, just like my folks were. However, they went massively into debt to put the golden child through college...this including supporting him and his girlfriend's living expenses.

 

Oy. I don't understand that favorite...golden child thing. I am sorry.:confused:

My parents thought accounting was a good field too. I hate it....but I am really good at it too. Oh well....it's a skill.

 

Faithe

[LibraryLover]

I can see the good and the not-so-good parts of my parents in me. When I say or think certain things, I often do a mental double take; "Oh! That sounds like Dad!" When I am frantic with worry, I think, "Oops, I am channeling Mom!"

 

I think nature most often triumphs over nurture. I tried pretty much to ignore my genetics.;) However, one of my sons is more like Dad than is my brother. lol

 

My hard work only went so far. :D

Edited November 28, 2011 by LibraryLover

[justamouse]

Mine tried to encourage me to go into accounting. Due to family issues...mainly that my mother and grandmother were horrible mothers, but great accountants and neither really seemed to give a rip about me other than to tear me down...I decided to do everything the opposite of them. I went into childcare and became a SAHM-HSing mother. I love kids. However, I realised later that they were right, I'm good with the books as well. I aced an accounting course. Early in marriage, my grandmother made a wisecrack to my husband asking if I've ruined the check register yet. Uhm, no, in fact I'm the one that knew how to work a register and took care of it and all bills at that time. DH is good with budgeting and bills, but terrible with a register.

 

I was told that I was on my own for college, just like my folks were. However, they went massively into debt to put the golden child through college...this including supporting him and his girlfriend's living expenses.

:grouphug:

[mommaduck]

Oy. I don't understand that favorite...golden child thing. I am sorry.:confused:

My parents thought accounting was a good field too. I hate it....but I am really good at it too. Oh well....it's a skill.

 

Faithe

Favourite Golden Child, because he was a wanted pregnancy and he came from the husband that mama was married to. I came from the el jerko of the previous marriage. I didn't deserve any type of support. I admit that I didn't work my butt off in highschool either, but I did stay out of trouble. Golden Child got into more than his share of trouble, but he got good grades and was star of the football team (did I mention that I played soccer one year and neither parent showed up for a single game?).

 

The good parts are that I did grow up with two parents (mom and stepdad). Stepdad did try to be a real dad and raised me. I learned what normal siblinghood was. I was allowed to be a kid, but was also given responsibility at appropriate ages. I learned to fix a lot of household things from my stepdad. I learned a lot about computers from him also. I learned to take the good and leave the bad (his philosophy also). I learned to have a quirky sense of humour from my mother and dry one from my stepdad. I learned to play spades and that family time is about the time you put into it, not the amount of money spent. Those are the good parts.

 

I'm healing. I have not spoken to either in eight and a half years. I'm considering it though.

Edited November 28, 2011 by mommaduck

[justamouse]

Favourite Golden Child, because he was a wanted pregnancy and he came from the husband that mama was married to. I came from the el jerko of the previous marriage. I didn't deserve any type of support. I admit that I didn't work my butt off in highschool either, but I did stay out of trouble. Golden Child got into more than his share of trouble, but he got good grades and was star of the football team (did I mention that I played soccer one year and neither parent showed up for a single game?).

 

That's the way it was at my house, too. They went to every game of his, and nothing of mine.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Does "Get your education so you don't have to rely on a man." count as encouragement? If so, then, yes my mother encouraged me. I think it was counteracted by the hissy fit she threw when I wanted to move out of state for grad school because then who would take care of her? (They really need a whining emoticon!) :lol:

[mommaduck]

That's the way it was at my house, too. They went to every game of his, and nothing of mine.

I realise as a parent that it's not always easy. But this part sucked. As I've gotten older, some things made more sense and I can understand their issues.

[Happy]

This is a fascinating thread. I appreciate all the perspectives written here...very illuminating.

 

I was born to young parents (my mom was only 17 and my dad 21 when I came along. They'd been married a year.) While my mom never finished high school, she was a life long learner. If I could pin point two things she 'taught' they are--learn every thing you can. No one can ever take knowledge and skills from you. And Travel every where you can. Both those mantras have had a profound effect on my life.

 

College was hoped for, but no one really knew 'how' to go about it. My high school was huge and it was hard to get the attention of a guidance counselor. I managed to figure out how to go to the local, private Christian college through work study and some grants. Living at home helped with expenses. I didn't get much encouragement from either parents or teachers, so I floundered a bit in school...I do regret not getting a degree...but not enough to go get one now. :D

 

Two large things my parents did was buy me a camera and encourage my interest in photography as a teen. Ultimately photography would help me work my way through what college I did, plus I met my husband in the photo department of the college.

 

The other thing my parents did was start a their own small business when I was an older teen. Seeing their JOY at being their own boss was profound. As a result, at 22, I started my own photography business. Dh helped out and I ran that business from our home for 20 years or so. Never made a lot of dough, but enjoyed perks, social status, and a flexible schedule--which suited my desire to be with my kids as much as possible.

 

Dh's parents expected their sons to go to a Christian college for at least a couple of years. Dh (number 4 out of 6) was the first to graduate with a degree. His parents also started a business which helped dh in his choice of career. they started a crop dusting service, so dh learned to fly by the time he was 16. He worked in the family service until he was in his early 30s when we decided he would become an airline pilot. Hard without military service, but he did it. He is now director of operations with a tiny airline.

 

I think the greatest thing either of our parents did for us was establish a strong work ethic. Maybe genetically we are hard wired to be workers.

 

Now....I watch my adult sons and gnash my teeth at their lost opportunities and POOR work ethic. They play at life. Ignore opportunities. Drift.

 

We pointed them toward college and both my sons played around (in different ways) for a couple of years before quitting. My oldest is married with a child. They struggle financially because neither of them have degrees or training.

 

In contrast, several of my nieces and nephews have done the college degree, then gotten married, gotten jobs, and had babies...they are so much more comfortable financially...Choices DO MATTER! A solid foundation helps you build later.

 

Are we 'better' off than our parents? Probably. The sheer numbers of dollars flowing in and out of our hands would astonish my mom if she were living today. My house is bigger and more modern. We have lots of 'stuff.' We've lived overseas and travel quite a bit--partly due to dh's job opportunities and our work with mission efforts. We still have fewer dollars in retirement than we need. We drive older cars because we don't want debt. I'm working at a new career that I hope will help our later years be more comfortable.

 

I do wish we'd been smarter financially in our 20s and 30s than we were. I've tried to instill that in my sons...to little avail. :glare:

[Renee in NC]

I realise as a parent that it's not always easy. But this part sucked. As I've gotten older, some things made more sense and I can understand their issues.

 

My father did a much better job guiding my brother than he did me. I am not bitter about that - he was much older and had more time. (My brother is 9 years younger.) I try to avoid the bad parts with my own children, take the good parts, and look at others in my family (and what they did in rearing their children)