need parenting tip for rudeness

[Bensmom]

My son gets really rude when he is nervous. We went on an out-of-town hs outing today and he was a little turd. I think to cover for not knowing what to say and trying to appear cool (he's 8), he turns on that totally exasperated/bored, eye-rolling, condescending attitude. When I lean over and whisper, "don't be rude," he rolls his eyes, huffs, and says, "I'm not!" He continued this behavior through the morning until he became relaxed with the new group and surroundings and then became is normal sweet self.

 

I hate it when I point out that he is acting badly and he responds by loudly denying his behavior! This has happened several times and when we get home, we have a little talk. He consistantly refuses to admit that he behaved inappropriately. He defends his bad attitude and rudeness:glare: I am frustrated that he can be sooooo rude and even more frustrated that when we later discuss what he said or did that he won't admit that it was wrong!!!! I am not getting through to him.

 

Any experience with this??? I need parenting tips! Please help

[Spock]

My son gets really rude when he is nervous. We went on an out-of-town hs outing today and he was a little turd. I think to cover for not knowing what to say and trying to appear cool (he's 8), he turns on that totally exasperated/bored, eye-rolling, condescending attitude. When I lean over and whisper, "don't be rude," he rolls his eyes, huffs, and says, "I'm not!" He continued this behavior through the morning until he became relaxed with the new group and surroundings and then became is normal sweet self.

 

I hate it when I point out that he is acting badly and he responds by loudly denying his behavior! This has happened several times and when we get home, we have a little talk. He consistantly refuses to admit that he behaved inappropriately. He defends his bad attitude and rudeness:glare: I am frustrated that he can be sooooo rude and even more frustrated that when we later discuss what he said or did that he won't admit that it was wrong!!!! I am not getting through to him.

 

Any experience with this??? I need parenting tips! Please help

 

I tend to assume mine really don't know that their behavior is rude, and directly tell them, "If you roll your eyes and _________, you make the others think you think you are better than them (or whatever makes the behavior rude). It is rude to do that. Stop."

 

As a child, I was often reprimanded for things like "talking back", when I really didn't know what I was doing wrong. (I didn't know what was meant by talking back until I was around 16 or so, and thus didn't really know what it was I was supposed to stop doing. I was also often told "Don't use that tone of voice" or other things about "tone of voice". I had no idea what tone of voice was, and even once responded that there was no such thing.) Because of this, I have made a special effort to always explain what exactly is inappropriate about any behaviors or language when I correct my children.

 

My perceptions might be a bit skewed, since two of mine have Aspie traits (and I do as well). However, it might be worth a try.

 

On the other hand, if you have reason to be certain he DOES know exactly what he is doing that he shouldn't, he would need whatever consequences you usually apply for disobedience.

[Pamela H in Texas]

It sounds like you understand his behavior is coming from a place of fear and discomfort. I think I'd coach him prior to going to an event and check in with him every 20 minutes or so. This may mean that y'all sit off to the side and chat. It may mean walking out to the car for a moment. It may mean some more coaching. The idea would be that he feels you are on his side and that you are safe. You could also come up with a cue so he could ask for a break as well as a way you can discipline discreetly. A friend of mine is using a color system with her daughter. No one else knows what the colors mean, but she and her daughter do. So orange might mean "oooh, kiddo. Watch your tone." Or whatever.

 

I definitely don't think you need any threats, punishment, etc.

 

Again, I think it is *wonderful* that you recognize the reason for the behavior. That will help you help him and work with him rather than be his adversary.

[Joanne]

It's good that you know it comes from his not knowing what to "do" and over-compensating in an immature way.

 

Yes, it is "rude" but the intent isn't.

 

I would remind yourself that he's still little and he needs help, guidance, and coaching. My kids used to get to be "too much" when daycare parents would pick up their kids. It was SO embarassing. It was the only time these clients saw my kids and they were at their worst! :glare:

 

The problem is that he has more energy and enthusiasm and weirdness in his body than he can handle. He needs to know about that energy, and needs help discharge that energy, appropriately.

 

Continue describing the behavior that is rude, but add in ways for him to move foward appropriately. You could try code words. You could try a slightly more mature version of Curious George. You could role play.

[SW in IL]

I agree with Spock. First you need to make sure that your son knows exactly what you're talking about when you tell him not to be rude. My niece is always being told to "stop being hateful" (she's 13 but has some emotional issues). I've come to learn that "being hateful" encompasses everything from stating that she doesn't like onions to sassing back when being told to do something. I'm not convinced that she knows what her mom/grandma/grandpa (and several other people) is talking about most of the times she's told to stop being hateful. I'm also not convinced that she has the maturity to really understand (due to her emotional issues).

 

First make sure your son knows what you mean when you tell him not to be rude... Lay it out for him in simple terms - no eye-rolling, no huffing, etc. Address the symptoms.

 

It could also be that he thinks that by denying he's doing it, he's saving face. When I was little, I chewed on my hair (I always had long hair). My father said something to me about it when he saw me chewing on my hair during a school program. I, being 8 years old at the time, denied I was doing it. It wasn't that I didn't know I was doing it - I just didn't want to admit to the behaviour because I thought I'd be punished for it. How lying about it would get me out of punishment, I have no idea.... But I guess it made sense to my 8-year-old mind.

 

Good luck,

Sue

[MamaJeanne]

My eight year old has started to do the same thing. He is also nervous when first meeting people. I have seen this behavior with other kids around the same age, not that it makes the behavior okay, but it makes me feel better to know that we are in the realm of normal. I try to kindly go over expectations before going into a situation where we will be meeting people (smile, eye contact, nice to meet you, etc) then praise him later on what he did well. I also try not to overly correct him in front of others. That is when I hear the louder and ruder objections. I find that embarrassment on top of nervousness makes behaviors worse.

[Danestress]

to little dudes. And having your Mom lean over and whisper anything at all, but especially a correction about your behavior, is so not cool. Not cool, Mom:)

 

Next time BEFORE you go, remind him of what kind of behavior you find rude. Let him know that what he thinks is rude and what his friends think is rude is not really the deciding factor here - that what YOU think is rude is going to rule the day. And let him know that you realize you may have embarrassed him in the past, so you really don't want to correct him, but if he hates being corrected, he should also be very careful not to commit a transgression.

 

But I would try to cut him some slack. All of my sons get withdrawn and annoying with me when they are nervous. I try to let most of it roll off my feathers. My boys are pretty sweet most of the time, so I try to cut them some slack when they are anxious.