Gobsmacked

[Impish]

I'm just truly astounded.

 

Wolf had the kids do cards for MIL's birthday. Littles did their own style of printing (Tazzie copied from a seperate paper, Princess did connecting the dots), drew pictures, and coloured. They were all excited to send art to Grandma.

 

Got an email from MIL. Amongst a demand for more pics and resends and resizing of pics (I already told her I didn't know how to resize), she drops this:

"They will have to take lessons on how to colour and stay in lines. Wax crayons work better, too."

 

I think the top of my head came off when I read that. I showed Wolf, and he said she'd mentioned something about the colouring on the phone with him, but he ignored it...so obviously, she didn't get the reaction she wanted from him, and needed to repeat it to me.

 

Twice, mind you, since 2 copies of it showed up in my inbox minutes apart.

 

My parents aren't perfect. Nowhere near. BUT, a child's art was always, ALWAYS fussed over, complimented, and hung on the fridge with huge pride. A.L.W.A.Y.S. Never, ever was there a wisp of criticism.

 

I told Wolf, no more. She isn't getting diddly from our kids from now on. They can send everything to my parents, who at least make the kids feel good about what they send.

 

No, the kids don't know how incredibly rude Grandma was, and they won't. I'm just really angry.

 

Lessons on colouring, indeed! :banghead::cursing:

[Denisemomof4]

I'm just truly astounded.

 

I told Wolf, no more. She isn't getting diddly from our kids from now on. They can send everything to my parents, who at least make the kids feel good about what they send.

 

 

I think this is wise. If she's not appreciating their work, and she's constantly complaining, why bother?

[Twigs]

If there is anyway to post some of their artwork here, I will ooh and ahh over it. I'm sure it will be absolutiely fantstasticwonderful.

 

:hurray: :party::hurray: :party: :hurray: to you children

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you

[jennsmile]

:001_huh:

 

Perhaps no digital pictures either. Send her one printed picture.

[Impish]

Denise, I'm honestly just stunned. How can anyone be so rotten over artwork from a 5 and 6 yo? Their grandkids to boot. It just seems so nasty.

 

Twigs, thanks. :grouphug:

 

It also means that we'll have to guard the phone for a while too. B/c she WILL comment to the Littles directly, if given the chance. We've learned that the hard way. :glare:

[LMD]

Far out - that is just... no words...

 

She must be missing the 'everything my grandchildren do is amazing' gene :glare:

[Beach Mom]

She is too.much!! I can see why you were stunned.

 

I love kid art. In fact I have pictures my neighbors colored and brought over to me on my fridge right now.

[amyable]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: The words I'm thinking of aren't proper for a family website. That really stinks.

[Impish]

Far out - that is just... no words...

 

She must be missing the 'everything my grandchildren do is amazing' gene :glare:

She's missing something, anyways :glare:

She is too.much!! I can see why you were stunned.

 

I love kid art. In fact I have pictures my neighbors colored and brought over to me on my fridge right now.

Heck, I'm pretty sure SpecialMama has had my kids artwork on her fridge from time to time, and she always praises the kids and thanks them for it...and she's family of the heart, my best friend, not the Grandma!

[Impish]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: The words I'm thinking of aren't proper for a family website. That really stinks.

Hence this smilie: :cursing:

[DusksAngel]

Are you sure she's really human? I'm starting to think she has to come from another planet where everything is backwards.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you. And :D to the kids for trying to brighten her day.

[jakesask]

Sounds like certain people in my family . . . when it happens in my family, remarks like this are definitely supposed to be (covert?) judgment of ME, not judgment of the child. Saying something directly to my daughter would just be done to make ME feel far worse (and I guess the collateral damage is worth it for the insulter).

 

Think about something else, do something else, ignore the mean email. As my grandmother would have said--Don't let her get your goat!

[elfgivas]

if its any help, i say to my girls,

"we do nice things for her because of who we are, not because of who she is. we send presents/cards/make phone calls/visit because we are the kind of grandchildren/children/in laws who care for our family."

 

and

 

"we choose a card/gift/activity because we think she will enjoy it and because it symbolizes one way in which we connect. what she does with it afterwards is up to her."

 

not so fun : (.

 

all that said, we don't send homemade things anymore, either.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Lisbeth]

Ugh - really? She sounds awful! I stopped sending my MIL portraits when she took my kids' pics out of the matching frames (matching to the pic and her house) I gave her, put my kids' pics in a drawer (or the trash, maybe) and put her favorite grandkids pics in the frames.

This was just the straw, there was other behavior over many years. I figure, she can put up whatever she wants in her house, but I'm not buying her the frames to put them in. ;) I'm also not spending money on portraits that will end up filed or throw out - or that she lets the other grandkids draw all over.

Trust me, just stop sending her crap. You'll feel better.

[Word Nerd]

"Don't feed the trolls" seems to apply in this situation. Don't give her nastiness another second of your attention.

[sparrow]

:grouphug: I'm really sorry. It sounds like something my dad would say. It's tough. I try to protect my kids from it, because I know how much it hurts, but he's gone in for the kill on more than one occasion.

[annandatje]

"Don't feed the trolls" seems to apply in this situation. Don't give her nastiness another second of your attention.

 

:iagree:

[Impish]

I'm really tempted to answer the phone next time she calls and say, "Sorry, busy giving the kids colouring lessons!" and hang up. :glare:

[Mommy22alyns]

Wow, that is breathtakingly... evil. Holy crap!!

[FO4UR]

Please don't let this woman know when your dc have their Christmas Programs, dance recitals, sports games, science fairs, driving exams, graduations, weddings, etc.

 

WOW!:glare:

[Hilltop]

I'm really tempted to answer the phone next time she calls and say, "Sorry, busy giving the kids colouring lessons!" and hang up. :glare:

 

:lol:

 

So sorry she is ungrateful and crotchety. :grouphug:

[JMDRAD]

I'm really tempted to answer the phone next time she calls and say, "Sorry, busy giving the kids colouring lessons!" and hang up. :glare:

 

Love this response! I'd be really ticked off too! My in laws have done things to me and I've refused to answer the phone for months on end. I can't imagine what I'd do if they did something like that to my kids.:boxing_smiley: Yes, I need to work on my loving Christian attitude.:tongue_smilie:

[MelissaMinNC]

This makes me want to :crying:

 

She sounds horrible. I want to think she has some redeeming qualities, and I guess if I'm going to have an attitude of gratitude, I would be grateful to her for raising Wolf and somehow having him not turn out anything like her.

 

:grouphug:

[momtokea]

This is awful. I agree with keeping her away from the kids.

 

My MIL tried to pull some similar tricks. Does you MIL not approve of homeschooling? I know in my case, it was her passive aggressive way of letting me know that she disapproved of what we were doing, or of me in general. She just saw less of the kids, which irked her more, which caused us to ignore her more. I was happier seeing less of her. Her loss, my gain.

 

Hugs to you.

[Unicorn.]

that I really, really, Hate! your mil? Yes, I used the "H" word! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Caraway]

if its any help, i say to my girls,

"we do nice things for her because of who we are, not because of who she is. we send presents/cards/make phone calls/visit because we are the kind of grandchildren/children/in laws who care for our family."

 

 

 

I know that this wasn't aimed at me, but thank you. This really helps me to put up with and explain our upcoming Thanksgiving.

 

I'm really tempted to answer the phone next time she calls and say, "Sorry, busy giving the kids colouring lessons!" and hang up. :glare:

 

:smilielol5:

[Trresh]

Wow, that is breathtakingly... evil. Holy crap!!

 

:iagree:

 

I'd seriously think about cutting her out of your lives. Your babies don't need that kind of grandma.

[MotherMayI]

"Don't feed the trolls" seems to apply in this situation. Don't give her nastiness another second of your attention.

 

This...and Always Expect the Worst! (with MIL) You won't be disappointed! :grouphug:

[ravinlunachick]

Tell her that you'll give those coloring lessons right after she gets done with her etiquette and gratitude lessons.

 

I'd never send her another handmade anything until she changes her tune. :( I'm sorry she was so unkind.

[QuirkyKapers]

Tell her that you'll give those coloring lessons right after she gets done with her etiquette and gratitude lessons.

 

I'd never send her another handmade anything until she changes her tune. :( I'm sorry she was so unkind.

 

:iagree: Wow! Sometimes I just don't know what people are thinking.

[5kidsforME]

Imp, are you truly gobsmacked?? Realy? I don't know you irl and I am well aware of how your mil is and I am not in the least gobsmacked.

 

You really need to take her power away. Everytime you are shocked, surprised, gobsmacked, she wins. Why let her have that power over you? Ignore it. Stop sending her things, whatever you need to do, don't let her have the power.

 

I have a...interesting mil myself. She no longer can shock me. She has been horrible, done horrbile things, and said horrible things to me and about my kids even. I no longer have given her the power to upset me. (ok, sometimes she still pis$e$ me off. BUT, I try not to spend any of my energy on it.)

[jujsky]

Reminds me of when I showed a video of my DD's hip hop class to MIL last year and she said, "You're awful! You're not doing a good job at all!" She was 6 at the time, and wasn't enjoying the class, but told me she wanted to drop it after the drop time (I gave her up until Christmas break to drop it if she wanted -- after that they started working on recital pieces and it wasn't fair to the other kids if she dropped). Nice, huh?

[Impish]

Imp, are you truly gobsmacked?? Realy? I don't know you irl and I am well aware of how your mil is and I am not in the least gobsmacked.

 

You really need to take her power away. Everytime you are shocked, surprised, gobsmacked, she wins. Why let her have that power over you? Ignore it. Stop sending her things, whatever you need to do, don't let her have the power.

 

I have a...interesting mil myself. She no longer can shock me. She has been horrible, done horrbile things, and said horrible things to me and about my kids even. I no longer have given her the power to upset me. (ok, sometimes she still pis$e$ me off. BUT, I try not to spend any of my energy on it.)

Honestly, yeah. I am/was. That she'd be nasty about artwork from a 5 and 6 yo just blows my mind. To me, there's some things that you just don't do, and this would be on the list.

 

I'm seriously considering calling her on this. I'm just not sure if its worth the fall out...but at the same time, I'm sick and tired of everyone letting her get away with this carp b/c of the fall out hissy fit she throws.

 

I need to talk to Wolf about it. He always backs me up, and has encouraged me to stand up to her before, so its not out of the blue...

 

That said, simply not sending her squat and ignoring the email deprives her of the reaction she's obviously wanting.

 

Hmmm.

[Impish]

Reminds me of when I showed a video of my DD's hip hop class to MIL last year and she said, "You're awful! You're not doing a good job at all!" She was 6 at the time, and wasn't enjoying the class, but told me she wanted to drop it after the drop time (I gave her up until Christmas break to drop it if she wanted -- after that they started working on recital pieces and it wasn't fair to the other kids if she dropped). Nice, huh?

:blink::svengo::banghead:

[Ester Maria]

Don't hate me please? I actually don't find her comment amazingly rude. In fact, it sounds like something my mother would say - probably in the midst of a warm-hearted laughter. And then I'd probably join her in laughing and we'd remember how I never had any artistic talent and then we'd drink to that, then go over more fond memories and find more deficits in my children which are obviously inherited from me or her, then we'd drink to that some, etc. :) Such a comment wouldn't be rude per se, just a different kind of dynamic, without any ill intentions, kwim? It's a mix of morbid sense of humor, some healthy self-deprecation and some healthy cynicism towards life in general LOL.

 

So, when I read your MIL's comment, that was a scene I imagined and I thought, what's the big deal? I mean seriously, from a *factual* standpoint, most of small kids' work has almost no artistic value, only sentimental value. And of course that such comments are never said *to* kids, or within their earshot, but as a sort of a warm-hearted, kinda cheeky comment said to their parent, I never considered it a big deal. Are you sure you're not blowing this out of proportions? Maybe she's one of those cranky personalities, but sure you can laugh it away, realize she probably can't go against her own inclinations, and just not take her seriously when she says such stuff?

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I wouldn't say a word to her, Imp. Ever again. If you do call her on it and she fakes a heart attack or who-knows-what, Wolf's latent guilt feelings might resurface and you'll be back to wanting peace between them if possible.

 

Do this the drama-free way. Make a little note in your diary that this was the last straw, and just live as if you are on the other side of the fallout you aren't allowing. Does that make sense?

 

Get caller ID and don't answer when she calls. If Wolf is home (and wants to) he can answer it, but don't you and the kids answer. She gets no birth announcements, no baby pictures, no Christmas cards, no nothing from now on.

 

If a relative calls you on this, say, "Oh, we've just been so busy." And change the topic, hang up the phone, walk away. Don't get suckered in.

 

Do I sound like someone who's BTDT? :glare: I have, with a grandmother.

 

The only possible open door for the future results from flat refusing to have any altercations or discussions about the fadeout you are obviously enforcing. It is a non-topic. The only way to keep this from being a problem for Wolf is for you to be pretty much silent as you consistently enforce the new boundaries. IMHO.

[Impish]

And of course that such comments are never said *to* kids, or within their earshot, but as a sort of a warm-hearted, kinda cheeky comment said to their parent, I never considered it a big deal. Are you sure you're not blowing this out of proportions? Maybe she's one of those cranky personalities, but sure you can laugh it away, realize she probably can't go against her own inclinations, and just not take her seriously when she says such stuff?

I don't hate you :lol:

 

I think you might have missed where I said we'll have to guard the phone cause she WILL repeat the statement to the Littles. She's been known to repeat unpleasant remarks to kids if not cut off.

[Scarlett]

Wow, I think she might give my XMIL a run for her money.

 

I remember the time she expressed strong disapproval for the way my 5 year old holds a fork! Good grief!

 

I am so :confused: at these type grandmothers. If you want to be so critical why not just stay away?

[Ester Maria]

I think you might have missed where I said we'll have to guard the phone cause she WILL repeat the statement to the Littles. She's been known to repeat unpleasant remarks to kids if not cut off.

Ah. That changes my attitude, then. :glare:

[Ohdanigirl]

If there is anyway to post some of their artwork here, I will ooh and ahh over it. I'm sure it will be absolutiely fantstasticwonderful.

 

 

 

 

 

Me too.

:hurray: :party::hurray:

[Parrothead]

I'd be finished with sending her stuff from the kids.

[inmyopinion]

We are to love one another but some people need to be loved from afar. . . . . way afar! With some relationships, the less contact you have, the better you get along which is overall better than continuing to have contacts with someone who is so difficult.

 

My in-laws are pretty good, although once it was insinuated that my child had not yet learned to tie their shoe b/c I did not have a teaching degree, which is their issue with homeschooling in general. Forget the fact that I have a doctorate, I am not qualified to teach show tying 101!

[Impish]

I'd be finished with sending her stuff from the kids.

Yeah, that's a given.

 

I'm mentally debating if I want to go a step further and let her know how rude and unkind she's being.

[Tree House Academy]

Yeah, that's a given.

 

I'm mentally debating if I want to go a step further and let her know how rude and unkind she's being.

 

Has confronting her helped in the past? If not, I wouldn't waste my time and effort. It sounds to me like she just enjoys criticizing YOU and that is her passive aggressive way of doing so (since you are their teacher and all).

[FriedClams]

Imp, are you truly gobsmacked?? Realy? I don't know you irl and I am well aware of how your mil is and I am not in the least gobsmacked.

 

You really need to take her power away. Everytime you are shocked, surprised, gobsmacked, she wins. Why let her have that power over you? Ignore it. Stop sending her things, whatever you need to do, don't let her have the power.

 

I have a...interesting mil myself. She no longer can shock me. She has been horrible, done horrbile things, and said horrible things to me and about my kids even. I no longer have given her the power to upset me. (ok, sometimes she still pis$e$ me off. BUT, I try not to spend any of my energy on it.)

 

:iagree:

 

Let her go, at least emotionally. Some people aren't capable of returning what we think they would be capable of. Let her go.

[Impish]

Has confronting her helped in the past? If not, I wouldn't waste my time and effort. It sounds to me like she just enjoys criticizing YOU and that is her passive aggressive way of doing so (since you are their teacher and all).

Its not about expecting change in her.

 

Its my internal debate as to if I'm allowing her to change *me*.

 

I'm usually pretty vocal about standing up when I see someone being rude/hurtful, etc. That I hesitate to do so w/MIL bothers me...I can't decide if its 'discretion is the better part of valour' or 'all that is needed for evil to triumph is for a good man to do nothing' scenario. Would saying something empower her by giving her a reaction, or empower me by not being cowed and silent?

 

That's where the debate lies.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Having just dealt with issues with a MIL that sounds very much like yours I'm going to suggest that you STOP letting her have any influence over you. JUST CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE. After the whole fiasco of my MIL living with us and then her blowing up at me and pushing\trying to hit me (and NO this was not because of dementia or alzheimers) I told dh that he could do what he wanted but that as far as I was concerned she didn't exist any longer. She has asked a couple of times to talk to me and dh finally told her that I wouldn't be talking to her again and that her coming to visit us was just not going to happen either. He told her that he still loved her and would talk on the phone with her because she is his mom, but that he wasn't going to expect me to put up with her bad behavior, manipulation and lies any longer. He said she was welcome to talk to the dc on the phone but that he would be listening in and if she said anything disparaging about me or about\to them he would end the conversation immediately. In the time she's been gone she hasn't asked to speak to them once even though she's talked to dh half a dozen times. (That tells you how important they really are to her.)

 

I agree with the pp that asked if you really are amazed and surprised by her behavior...because I have to tell you that from all of the posts you've written about her, she seems pretty consistent to me. It doesn't matter that this was toward a 5 year old or a 50 year old...to her it was just an exercise in building herself up and manipulation through emotion. Calling her on her behavior might get it off your chest but you aren't going to be satisfied because she is NEVER going to admit that you are right and she is wrong, which is probably what you're really hoping for (deep down inside). I know you want to give her a piece of your mind but she would have to care what you think in order for it to have an impact on her. Your opinion means squat to her so why bother giving it? As far as her interaction with your dc...if Wolf wants to oversee that then let him (agree on the rules of engagement), but then don't ask what she said, how she behaved...let Wolf handle it. Same goes with his conversations with her; adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy. A couple times dh has tried to tell me about his mom complaining about this or that and I've cut him off and told him that I don't want to hear anything about her and he has agreed that it really isn't worth talking about. I am SOOOOOO much happier knowing that she is out of my life for good and dh is happier not having to worry about running interference or dealing with me after she has p***ed me off.

 

I feel for you Imp, I really do because I've been there, but you are allowing this to continue. She has a huge amount of power over you right now and you need to take it away from her. The ONLY way you are going to be able to do that with this type of person is to CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[HeidiKC]

I'm really tempted to answer the phone next time she calls and say, "Sorry, busy giving the kids colouring lessons!" and hang up. :glare:

 

:lol: HOOOHOOOOOO!!! YES!

[FO4UR]

Yeah, that's a given.

 

I'm mentally debating if I want to go a step further and let her know how rude and unkind she's being.

 

 

Don't do it.

 

Draw the boundary. That communicates all you need to say.

[Pretty in Pink]

Your MIL is a real piece of work. Each time you post something about her I think that you must be exaggerating but then you post something else that tops the last thing and, well...wow. :001_huh: I cannot believe that she criticized not only their coloring but the type of crayons you buy. Good grief. I would have told that woman where she could get off long ago.