DD needs feedback from someone other than mom

[joannqn]

The assignment, from IEW, is to write a five paragraph biographical essay on a Revolutionary War figure. It also requires a anecdotal opener and closer and a bibliography. She would appreciate comments and suggestions for how to improve it. Below is her rough draft after much editing.

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Title Here (not yet chosen)

 

"Why, my good man, thou hast the curiosity of a girl."

- Abigail Adams, 4-19-1764

 

Abigail Smith was born on November 11, 1744, in Weymouth, Massachusetts. She was a preacher's daughter, a kindhearted and motherly girl. Although the family was poor and couldn't send her to school, Abigail educated herself. She read poetry and knew much about literature. She never could have thought she'd become the 2nd 1st lady. She certainly was an outstanding woman.

 

When Abigail first met John Adams, she never thought they would marry and have children. They met in 1759, and John thoroughly disliked Abigail and she him. But by New Years Eve, 1761, their feelings for each other changed to mutual respect. They were married on October 25, 1764, and went to live on a little farm in Braintree, Massachusetts. On the 14th of July the following year, the first of six children was born. Their first views of each other were wrong; they were meant for each other.

 

A little while later John won the election for 2nd president. The change was hard for Abigail. Her life in the White House was not necessarily pleasant. She wasn't happy to be leaving the farm. The White House was not complete and ready to be lived in and Abigail approached this new life with caution. Oftentimes she was exhausted after long days at work. Abigail was careful to say only good about her new home to others. However, her private letters to John told a very different story. She complained to her husband of the poor living conditions and how difficult it was at home. In fact, Abigail once become so sick from the living conditions many believed she might die! It was hard, but the family worked together to make it through. Abigail shaped a mold for the coming first ladies, because she showed that even in the hardest of times, things got better.

 

Abigail wrote to John about her hard life, leaving a first person account of the Revolutionary War. She sent letters to John daily. One of her letters spoke of a very difficult part in the war, "...our dear friend...fell...fighting for his country." There came a time when she ordered John to destry the letters, but he dismissed her requests. This left an important account of life during the war.

 

Abigail Adams was a remarkable woman. She was talented and sweet, but firm. She was an amazing mother and First Lady. She held a special bond with her husband through her letters. Abigail gave a good impression to women everywhere.

 

"Do not grieve, my friend. My dearest friend, I am ready to go."

-Abigail Adams

[jakesask]

This composition sounds quite good--your daughter's writing style is certainly superior to that of many university students! (I've been marking papers tonight, so I have material for direct comparison. :001_smile:)

 

Something simple and mechanical: it is best to avoid contractions in formal/academic writing. Also, writing out ordinal numbers is usually preferred--first and second, rather than 1st and 2nd.

 

What did Abigail Adams do that was so remarkable? What was all the hard work at the White House? Why was she so amazing? The content of this composition doesn't make it clear to me why I should be impressed with Adams. I feel like the claims haven't been fully supported.