More Thanksgiving etiquette.... Family with food allergies

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[QueenCat]

How about supplying the wine?

[Shelly in IL]

Enjoy the break?

[beaners]

Control freak in the kitchen makes me think she might be a control freak about the house in general. If not, could you offer to come by and vacuum or dust in the next couple days? Can you bring ice or offer the use of a crockpot or something to hold warm food in?

[Paisley Hedgehog]

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[abbeyej]

Could you offer to be in charge of the centerpiece? Flowers for the table?

 

Just take your MIL a small hostess-gift?

 

And don't worry about it. Enjoy the break, focus on what you'll prepare with your mom for Christmas...

[kewb]

Bring flowers and offer to help clean up.

[Susann]

We celebrate one major holiday at my in-laws every year. This year is Thanksgiving. Dh's brothers and sisters and families are coming in to town (no one lives close to his parents but us) for the week.

 

My niece has severe (anaphylactic shock level) allergies to both nuts and milk. Everything that goes into anything she eats has to be rigorously screened for both. (They even call potato chip and veggie companies to see if anything else on the line is made with milk or if there might be nut dust in the factory. It's that serious.) As a result, my sil and mil do all the cooking for the holiday. Every time I've offered to help out or to bring food, I'm rebuffed. My mil is a control freak in the kitchen in the best of times, so it leaves me a bit at loose ends as to what I'm supposed to do.

 

Whenever my family gets together, my mom and I spend weeks figuring out the menu, prepping, preparing, and serving food. I'd never dream of showing up at one of our big family gatherings without bringing a dish. I'd like to do something to help out my mil this year so I don't feel like such a freeloader. Any ideas?

 

Wine, soft drinks, paper products, flowers, music, games, tables. Due to dd's celiac I prefer to prepare all the foods myself because try as they might outside family/friends just don't know what to look for, cross contamination etc. I always appreciate being asked what others might bring and don't hestitate to give suggestions if they want to contribute.

[jallison25]

you could offer to bring the (non-alcoholic) drinks. You could also get a list of things that come pre-packed that they might be using, chips, salsa, nut/dairy free ice cream. those kinds of things and offer to bring them :)

[BigMamaBird]

A centerpiece or bouquet of flowers would be nice.

[gardenmom5]

Offer to help clean the house beforehand, set up the tables, or clean up. (if you have to, show up with cleaning supplies and ask where the vacuum is. after dinner, start clearing. load the dishwasher, wash the hand stuff, etc.)

[Abigail4476]

Bring flowers and offer to help clean up.

 

:iagree: When you arrive, ask your MIL what she would like for you to do. If she doesn't have anything for you to do, then just hang out in the kitchen and be sociable while they cook. You don't have to earn your keep. ;)

 

I'm sort of control freak in the kitchen, too. I want things done my way, and I'd rather do it myself than tell someone else how I want it done. It's stressful for me to share the cooking with too many people, so I completely understand your MIL. In addition, preparing food for someone with a serious allergy ups the ante and I would be that much more insane about it. :tongue_smilie:

[clarkacademy]

We celebrate one major holiday at my in-laws every year. This year is Thanksgiving. Dh's brothers and sisters and families are coming in to town (no one lives close to his parents but us) for the week.

 

My niece has severe (anaphylactic shock level) allergies to both nuts and milk. Everything that goes into anything she eats has to be rigorously screened for both. (They even call potato chip and veggie companies to see if anything else on the line is made with milk or if there might be nut dust in the factory. It's that serious.) As a result, my sil and mil do all the cooking for the holiday. Every time I've offered to help out or to bring food, I'm rebuffed. My mil is a control freak in the kitchen in the best of times, so it leaves me a bit at loose ends as to what I'm supposed to do.

 

Whenever my family gets together, my mom and I spend weeks figuring out the menu, prepping, preparing, and serving food. I'd never dream of showing up at one of our big family gatherings without bringing a dish. I'd like to do something to help out my mil this year so I don't feel like such a freeloader. Any ideas?

 

You are so sweet!! I will admit to a control freak on myself to be honest. Unless she is voicing complaints I would back off. In my opinion being how I am the kindest thing you can do is leave me alone as far as that type of stuff. Also if the neice is so bad off maybe they just feel it is best this way.

[Ellie]

You are so sweet!! I will admit to a control freak on myself, to be honest. Unless she is voicing complaints I would back off. In my opinion being how I am the kindest thing you can do is leave me alone as far as that type of stuff. Also if the neice is so bad off maybe they just feel it is best this way.

:iagree:

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[Swimtaxi234]

Offer to help clean the house beforehand, set up the tables, or clean up. (if you have to, show up with cleaning supplies and ask where the vacuum is. after dinner, start clearing. load the dishwasher, wash the hand stuff, etc.)

 

I clean as I go while I cook, but I would love it if someone asked me if they could clean up after the meal.:)

[Guest]

Definitely do not feel bad about not bringing food!!! My dd used to have life-threatening food allergies to milk and peanuts (desensitized by an amazing doctor - long story). I would be upset (even angry) if you did bring something after being told not to. The best you can do is maybe offer to bring drinks or clean up. Really. The gift of not worrying is awesome.

[Spryte]

My son has severe food allergies, too. From the perspective of a parent who deals with that type of life-threatening allergy on a daily basis... I want to just say that I think it is absolutely wonderful that your mil supports sil in keeping the kiddo safe. Seriously. It is really difficult. What a wonderful, inclusive thing they are doing to keep your niece feeling part of the family and able to safely take part in Thanksgiving.

 

(I say this after watching my son at gatherings of this sort... My relatives are not as accommodating, and though they will go so far as to avoid cooking any of his allergens - as he has had airborne reactions - they will not go as far as your family goes. So I bring all food which will pass his lips, and try to make it special for him. But he does not partake of the feast, and DH and I are on edge the entire time watching him like a hawk. It's not particularly fun, and I would love to bow out of Thanksgiving to create a better experience for my son, but that's not possible.)

 

So... If you were my sil - and I wish you were! - I would be over the moon with excitement if you brought non-food items or soda, or, better yet, called me asked for safe brands of chips or store-bought items, etc, and then double checked them with me when you arrive. I would be beyond delighted if you offered to go over to mil's before we arrived and help wipe down all surfaces (if you in-laws ever serve nuts, etc) to be sure there are no allergens present. If you were to ask me about allergies, and how best to keep the little one safe... I would be thrilled. It is a tricky, lonely, and often frightening world to navigate life-threatening allergies. So many of our social events revolve around food, and when we, as parents, have seen food nearly kill our child... It's overwhelming. And holidays, with all the expectations of particular foods, it's even harder to navigate...

 

Do I sound emotional? I hope not. I am dealing with holiday allergy anxiety at the moment... And cooked a fabulous lentil soup yesterday, only to have my kiddo's throat close up from the airborne particles... Lentils are close to peanuts, and we are now crossing those off of our safe list too until further testing... So food allergies are very on-the-surface for me right now.

 

You are so wonderful for understanding, and for caring, and for trying to come up with a way to help. I seriously have sil envy right now! Wanna be my virtual sil? :)

[Annie G]

Help me understand- she calls companies to verify if their products contain nuts or dairy, and will consume the product if they're told no. But you can't bring a dish? Is this kind of allergy so severe that for instance if you brought mashed potatoes made with milk that her dd might have a reaction even if she didn't touch the food or consume it?

Just trying to understand the world of allergies- and being grateful that we've never had family members that allergic to a food.

Yeah, I think your best bet is to bring the centerpiece! But it would bug me that I wasn't trusted to make a food that at least other people could eat.

[Mimmy]

Could you offer to be in charge of the centerpiece? Flowers for the table?

 

Just take your MIL a small hostess-gift?

 

And don't worry about it. Enjoy the break, focus on what you'll prepare with your mom for Christmas...

:iagree:

[Spryte]

Help me understand- she calls companies to verify if their products contain nuts or dairy, and will consume the product if they're told no. But you can't bring a dish? Is this kind of allergy so severe that for instance if you brought mashed potatoes made with milk that her dd might have a reaction even if she didn't touch the food or consume it?

Just trying to understand the world of allergies- and being grateful that we've never had family members that allergic to a food.

Yeah, I think your best bet is to bring the centerpiece! But it would bug me that I wasn't trusted to make a food that at least other people could eat.

 

Please don't think it's about trust. I'm not the OP, but responded (above) about my son's allergies. I'm not as familiar with milk allergy, but with my son's multiple allergies, even re-heating the food near him can cause an airborne reaction. So if other people are consuming one of his specific allergens - we simply have to leave. We've had enough ER visits.

 

The other thing that is so important to consider is the social aspect. Kids with life threatening allergies are left out of a lot. I think giving them a safe haven within their family on a holiday is beautiful. Not to have to worry about whether everyone washed their hands after eating, could their be milk residue on that chair that kiddo helped to push in while cleaning up the table, then will kiddo touch his/her mouth... Not to mention being able to eat everything at the dinner.

 

Our kids don't often have a totally safe environment. It's a gift to give it to them.

 

I say this with envy, as I said above, because my family is not as accepting or accommodating, and I am nervous as heck about Thanksgiving this year... :)

[gardenmom5]

I clean as I go while I cook, but I would love it if someone asked me if they could clean up after the meal.:)

 

vacuuming and dusting the living room, bathrooms, setting the table, etc. while you cook?;) I try to keep the pots and pans going and the dishwasher running, counter wiping, etc., but that's about all there is time for while cooking is happening

[gardenmom5]

Help me understand- she calls companies to verify if their products contain nuts or dairy, and will consume the product if they're told no. But you can't bring a dish? Is this kind of allergy so severe that for instance if you brought mashed potatoes made with milk that her dd might have a reaction even if she didn't touch the food or consume it?

Just trying to understand the world of allergies- and being grateful that we've never had family members that allergic to a food.

Yeah, I think your best bet is to bring the centerpiece! But it would bug me that I wasn't trusted to make a food that at least other people could eat.

 

that was my understanding. some people are so sensitive, just a wiff of nut dust can send them into anaphylatic shock - which can be fatal. that's why people carry epi pens.

[Occasionally]

Kids with life threatening allergies are left out of a lot. I think giving them a safe haven within their family on a holiday is beautiful. Not to have to worry about whether everyone washed their hands after eating, could their be milk residue on that chair that kiddo helped to push in while cleaning up the table, then will kiddo touch his/her mouth... Not to mention being able to eat everything at the dinner.

 

Our kids don't often have a totally safe environment. It's a gift to give it to them.

 

 

Well said (as the mother of a peanut/walnut allergic kiddo.)

[Unicorn.]

Just enjoy the fact that you don't have to do anything! Or, offer to help w/ whatever once you arrive. Set the table, fill glasses w/ ice, make tea or lemonade, etc.

[Dana]

We have dairy and nut allergies here. We do thanksgiving just us & it's much easier!

 

It's fine not to bring anything - and you definitely shouldn't bring something if requested not to... I'd be horribly anxious if a dish was brought that wasn't safe and it's not safe unless I read the labels of everything that was used as it's being used - and checking for cross-contamination with prior things that were opened (like margarine or spices if a spoon goes in).

 

Allergies are really nasty & milk is really tough to avoid.

 

If there's asthma as well (there is here!), flowers may present an issue.

Help cleaning up is wonderful.

 

Another possibility might be an offer of babysitting later so your niece's parents can go out alone for a bit (during a time and at their house where food isn't an issue). My husband and I are rarely out alone since we do have to be very careful with our son's allergies.

 

Thanks for asking about what might help - and it's definitely better to err on the safe side - even if it makes you a bit uncomfortable to just go.

 

You might also ask if there's anything you should be careful about before coming over. Be sure kids hands are washed before leaving the house - and better to avoid anything that might get powder containing milk or nuts on their clothes - so no powdered donuts for breakfast for instance or anything with powdered cheese.

[Harriet Vane]

With a child that allergic, it's just faaaar too stressful to trust others with the food.

 

My own ds cannot have milk, and there have been times that someone assured me a dish was dairy-free only to find out it's not. Sometimes we find out only when ds is caught in the grip of an agonizing stomachache; other times it comes out when I specifically question my way through a list of all milk and milk derivatives. It's unbelievably frustrating when someone tells me they used "a little butter" or "just the tiniest bit"--yes, that stuff is dairy, and yes, a little bit really will hurt ds.

 

My sister has severe celiac. She will react if her food touches a surface that had bread or flour on it. Just a few crumbs will cause a reaction. It's agonizing and often takes days to resolve. She doesn't trust anyone with her food and honestly--we're glad she doesn't trust us, because we're not used to cooking so carefully and would rather not be responsible for making her sick.

 

Just let them make the food. Bring a nice hostess gift and throw yourself into helping with the dishes and other work of the party, while you're there. They are control freaks on this because they have to be.

[brasilmom]

As a mother of 2 severely allergic children I say let them be. It is much easier for the mother to prepare all the food as this is something they deal with on a daily basis. I wish to have relatives that thoughtful, but I do not. I have friends, however that have embraced my children, protect them, are thoughtful and make sure that they are included in whatever event that there are. Offer drinks, or as other suggested ask for the brand and type of whatever processed food they eat and bring some along. Give them love and respect. That is more than lots of people are willing to give.

Have a great holiday. Be well

 

Miriam

[Desert Rat]

Bring flowers.

[StephanieZ]

Could you bring an *extra* appetizer and/or dessert that is an adults-only type of thing? Something that doesn't appeal to kids anyway b/c it has yucky (scrumptious) smelly cheeses or nuts or veggies. . . You know the type.

[happypamama]

I'm pretty sure they don't see you as a freeloader; they probably know you would bring something if you could, and it's less stress for them just to do it themselves. I'd shoo them out of the kitchen after the meal while I cleaned up. I'd also see if I could do anything beforehand to clean or otherwise prepare (iron tablecloths, polish silver, etc.). And I think asking if you could bring soda/juice/apple cider would be a nice gesture. Also, ask if you and your children need to avoid those allergens that morning, or wash your hands when you enter, or whatever.

 

(And if your children don't see their cousin regularly, they may not be familiar with her allergies, so maybe you could coach them ahead of time in case they're wondering why familiar favorites aren't on the table, or why Grandma didn't include nuts in something.)

[Tiffnkids]

Another idea for how to be helpful (maybe)

 

Not sure how many or what ages of kids will be there . . . but being in charge of entertaining/supervising/playing with the younger crowd is very helpful to the adults and very special to the kids. Maybe bring a game or two, bring crayons and print out some fun Thanksgiving coloring pages, "What I am thankful for" charades, etc.

[Dana]

Could you bring an *extra* appetizer and/or dessert that is an adults-only type of thing? Something that doesn't appeal to kids anyway b/c it has yucky (scrumptious) smelly cheeses or nuts or veggies. . . You know the type.

 

 

No! No! No!

 

No nuts in our house AT ALL!!!

 

This completely ignores the request NOT to bring anything and would put my child at risk. Don't cross that line.

 

And unfortunately, some allergies ARE that severe that this would result in an ER trip.

[Slipper]

We are hosting Thanksgiving this year and making a completely gluten free Thanksgiving meal. It's a lot of work, but my daughter becomes ill after every holiday meal at other people's houses. She spends a week after holidays with vomiting and diarrhea. I've requested that nobody bring a single, solitary thing. I am so firm in my resolve that I will ask anyone who brings something, to take it back out to their car. My daughter is a child and she deserves a carefree holiday without worrying about being sick.

 

If you feel you must bring something, ask if there is a pre-packaged and sealed item you can buy at the store or offer to help pay for the ingredients. Cooking special meals is very expensive and is a gesture of love. My daughter is isolated at times because of her diet and grown ups can make careless and hurtful comments in front of her. Your presence will show your support and understanding and that will mean the world to your family.

[dangermom]

They are control freaks on this because they have to be.

 

Yeah, the paranoia and control freakiness is learned the hard way, believe me. We don't start off that way; we learn it every time our kids get sick from yet another thing we didn't know would do that.

 

Bring flowers and wash dishes!

[rafiki]

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[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[Occasionally]

As an update to this thread: I had a conversation with MIL this morning and I will be helping out by doing some of the shopping for the non-perishables (plates, cups, napkins), and buying soda and other 'safe' items (apples, potatoes, etc). As I expected, offers to cook and clean were refused. I feel better about the whole thing. On Thanksgiving I'll just look for opportunities to load the dishwasher, take out the garbage, etc

 

For those of you who mentioned it, it is extremely difficult for my niece's family to go anywhere or do anything since her sensitivity is so high. Bringing a dish 'only for the adults' risks cross contamination and makes the parents edgy (on a day they'd like to relax and not be worried about the FOOD).

 

Thanks to all who responded

 

Sounds like you found a good solution! (If it were me, I might mention on the day that "I wish I could help to cook, but I realize you need to keep your DD safe. I'm glad you can have a holiday without worrying about her food.")

 

Enjoy your Thanksgiving :001_smile:

[ChristyB in TN]

I've been away from here for a long time and I want to tell you all that this thread was so wonderfully thoughtful and sweet. You all are refreshing. I host Thanksgiving at my house and there are no shortage of allergies, it is a crazy occasion! No one has allergies as severe as these listed in the original post but if some of us have dairy, we are sick for 2 weeks, Grandma is gluten free or she is VERY sick, my husband, daughter and myself are vegan, etc, you see what I mean. I am just so much happier if I cook everything. I know which allergies go with each person, I can control things. I can't even fathom having to worry about cross contamination and a trip to the ER! Our guests, we always seem to have new and different ones every year, are always stumped about what to bring and it is such a relief when they honor my request to just let me do it. Again, this was a wonderfully thoughtful thread. You all are awesome.