thanksgiving guests inviting guests . . (part vent)

[gardenmom5]

I'm sorry, but this totally made me :lol:

 

.

 

Us too. (well, and rollilng our eyes . . . .) not even her own children take her seriously.

Edited November 18, 2011 by gardenmom5

[8circles]

Thank you for everyone's replies.

 

the "children"(grandchildren) range from late thirties to early twenties, and many of them are through college and own their own homes. (and dudeling-the caboose, who is six) the "babies" (aka: great/grandchildren) are four and under.

 

sometimes we have been asked by people if they could bring a guest. (rarely, and they asked their friends anyway without our permission). Usually we have not been asked, and sometimes not even forewarned. They've just shown up. At least I have drilled into people I need a head count, so I've been more likely to find out about the extras when I can still do something about it. dh did e-mail his sister and let her know she can't bring non-family/non-significant other extras. Dh has had this converstaion with her a few times before, and she STILL does it.

 

Dh's family was always the "More the merrier". But there were a scant (four) handful of them. they also weren't doing sit down dinners for 30 adults. they most they ever did was 12 adults and some children who could be put at a small table.

 

I'm already moving furniture out of my living room so there is room for everyone. the famiy room is on a different floor, so it is out for eating, and it is also the only location for small children to play. I have a huge deck right off the kitchen, but renting a weather proof party tent with heaters is not in the budget.

 

dh is the "china, silver, crystal' and nothing but person. I think he thinks it connects him to his father, who passed away in 1969. He will not budge on it. I suggested the plastic "china, silver, crystal" as easier care, but it was vetoed since we have the real stuff. dh is he control freak about thanksgiving.

 

Everyone does bring food on the day - I have had to put my foot down that people are expected to ALSO bring a serving dish and utensil with which to serve their item. I was buying more every year, and it simply got to be too much, I was always scrambling for dishes and utensils at the last minute. I also had to come up with somewhere to store them all.

 

But it is the days before and days after of work that is really getting to me. My sil (hostess wanabee) loaded the dishwasher one time *one year*, and moaned for the next 11 months as though she was cinderella and I was the wicked stepmother. (dh had put his foot down beforehand that year that people needed to actually "help".) yeah, and I didn't run the dishwasher another six times in the following 24 hours. or break down the tables, wash what doens't go in a dishwasher, or wash table cloths and napkins, vacuum, etc. /sarc.

 

the last few years, I have done little visiting with people as I simply haven't had time. I work to set up, and am cleaning up after dinner so the dishwasher is going all the time just to get ahead on the mess. Yes, my kids do help, and they do alot.

 

I am very burned out, especially by the entitlement mentality of a few members of dh's family.

 

I agree that it is rude to invite people to your house. I'm glad that you've straightened it out for now & hope you have an enjoyable Thanksgiving. But I kind-of think the original problem was caused by your DH, not the other family members - even though they were rude & were taking advantage. He was asking you to allow yourself to be taken advantage of & stopping you from fixing it by making outrageous (IMO) demands himself. Unless, of course, he worked just as hard as you did to make the shindig happen.

[AuntieM]

Well, Kristen, how did it all go?

[grace'smom]

Well, Kristen, how did it all go?

 

:lurk5::lurk5:

[Mommyof4ks]

This happened to us today, and I don't have an issue with it. I am a 'the more the merrier' type person though. I honestly have little idea of who is coming until people get here lol. We had two extra guests today that were unexpected, but we always have plenty of food, so no biggie. We do a pot luck sort of thing though, so food is never an issue. I don't like anyone to be alone, especially on a holiday. Just my thoughts.

 

ETA: I just read another of your posts, sorry I missed it before. I would be miffed if others did not help! I have the opposite problem, too many hands in the kitchen lol. We use paper plates too, so clean up is easy.

Edited November 24, 2011 by dwkilburn1

[Harriet Vane]

:lurk5:

Well, Kristen, how did it all go?

[tex-mex]

But I kind-of think the original problem was caused by your DH, not the other family members - even though they were rude & were taking advantage. He was asking you to allow yourself to be taken advantage of & stopping you from fixing it by making outrageous (IMO) demands himself. Unless, of course, he worked just as hard as you did to make the shindig happen.

:iagree:

 

Dr. Phil would ask, "How's that working for you?"

 

I personally think the OP's dh is being too selfish in his feelings on how Thanksgiving should be celebrated (i.e. China vs disposable plates) and to me, it is a dealbreaker that he does little of the work. The OP appears to be burdened by the massive undertaking that it is stressful. Put family members who use the situation and you have a horrible day for the hostess. No one wins. I think the OP and her dh need to go to couples therapy for this one to be played out. It sounds like her dh is being very stubborn and refusing to compromise.

[gardenmom5]

sil had dinner at her house. ironically, the two friends her dd invited that sparked all this, didn't come. a nephew did invite two guests - I have no idea if one was a new girlfriend or just a friend. (at least he didn't bring his dog.) the most delightful part was sil choose to have it in what is currently being used as mil's "apartment" (the original large double garage made into a party room by previous owners. so it's a big room.). did I mention mil is a hoarder? and that even though she's only been in that space for a year, there were trails? they had to clean it to make room.:lol: (I've cleaned up her hoards before. many seasons ago, she lived with us for a year.)

 

I arrived just before dinner was scheduled and left not long after as I took my daughter's car and she needed it to go to work (her dept runs 24/7). I spent "not-eating" time up in the playroom with 3ds and his cousins and niece-in-law. I had intended to bring 3ds home as he will get overloaded, but he was adament on staying.

 

3ds is an aspie, and he was over his limits, but really enjoying playing with his near age cousin once removed. did the screaming thing at dinner when they tried to seat him (she did placecards! and yes, the way she chooses where to seat people does feel insulting.) away from his favorite brother (I moved him - and when confronted on it, let it be known in no uncertain terms, they *really* didn't want to see the repurcussions of that placement.). he screamed some more when sil's dh had to take several pictures of everyone at the table before dinner. I was able to share some surreptitious eye rolls at the chunky mashed potatoes (reminding ds to be grateful they weren't instant potatoes) as 3ds yelled he didn't trust me when I said there weren't any onions in them. He ate a roll, and I think that was it.

 

I don't know all the gory details of what happened when I wasn't there, but dh was not a happy camper and was *very* stressed and irritable when he finally came home - he still did two turkeys, sage stuffing, gravey, two batches of rolls, and two chocolate cheesecakes. I had told her if she wanted my china, she could (cough)"darn well" (cough) come and get it herself. dh packed it up and took it over. (and transported them to her house! we couldn't stop him:banghead: - he has a horrible tendancy to overschedule himself with very fine time tolerances.) I had been of the understanding dh was only going to do one turkey, and his sister would do one. Honestly, I had been told she'd be doing alot more this year. nope, she was about what I was expecting. of course, dh was the one who really wanted to go over there "with his family" - I would have been happy to not have gone at all. (only did so 3ds could play with his cousins.)

 

unsurprisingly - to me at least - dinner wasn't served when it was scheduled (it NEVER is.) and the main items were cold by the time it was served 30 minutes later. seems other sil still had to make her brussels sprouts. (hostess sil held dinner for brussels sprouts. :ack2: I think there "might" have been three people (out of 22) that ate any of the two generous casserole size containers . . . .lots of leftovers.) dh was annoyed enough by whatever he had to deal with there that he is now (grudgingly) listening to me about thanksgiving. Frankly, if we're going to do so much work, I'd much rather do it for people who have no where to go and are actually grateful instead of entitled.

 

I still mopped my kitchen floor TWICE today (whether it needed it or not.). seriously, what is it about turkey that makes the floor a greasy mess?:001_huh: does the grease aerosole or something? Still cleaned up the kitchen a number of times. washed lots of handstuff, (knives, pots/pans/mixing bowls that don't fit in the dishwasher/etc.). but it was *a lot less work*, and the house was gloriously quiet.

 

:hurray:I *didn't* have to move my living room furniture, I didn't have to set up a 16' table, chairs, etc.etc. etc. or put everything back . . . I don't have to wash or iron everything . . . . Normally, clean up after thanksgiving is two days. I don't have to do anything. whoohoo!

 

I'll know more tomorrow.

[unsinkable]

Well, I hope your Christmas dinner is served on time with no brussel sprouts.

[DusksAngel]

 

unsurprisingly - to me at least - dinner wasn't served when it was scheduled (it NEVER is.) and the main items were cold by the time it was served 30 minutes later. seems other sil still had to make her brussels sprouts. (hostess sil held dinner for brussels sprouts. :ack2: I think there "might" have been three people (out of 22) that ate any of the two generous casserole size containers . . . .lots of leftovers.) dh was annoyed enough by whatever he had to deal with there that he is now (grudgingly) listening to me about thanksgiving. Frankly, if we're going to do so much work, I'd much rather do it for people who have no where to go and are actually grateful instead of entitled.

 

 

At least some good came out of the whole fiasco. :)

[annandatje]

You are obviously ruining your holiday by overworking yourself and placing too high expectations on yourself. Before you even consider the issue of guests inviting other guests, you need to work on paring down the celebration to a level that is a reasonable workload for you.

 

On the guests inviting guests issue, I guess it depends upon family culture. My children always are welcome to have friends or acquaintances and sometimes strangers over, particularly those who are going through a rough patch in their lives. However, my Thanksgiving is set up buffet style on a big countertop where guests serve themselves on big Chinet plates.

 

If I were doing a formal type dinner, yes, uninvited guests would pose more of an issue, but personally I would rather welcome uninvited guests to a simpler feast.

 

Have you ever considered having your own nuclear family take a pleasure trip somewhere for Thanksgiving?

 

Have you ever announced that you will not be able to host but that you will be happy to bring a dish?

[gardenmom5]

Well, I hope your Christmas dinner is served on time with no brussel sprouts.

;) christmas is always more enjoyable, and the menu varies. We've usually invited some young people with no family here and my, now deceased, mother. (even though she wasn't able to do much, she'd try.)

 

2dd volunteered our house (with my permission. she actually asks. and yes, I would have said yes even if I'd hosted thanksgiving.) for part of her church women's group christmas party in a couple weeks. (a "progressive dinner" - she put us first - appetizers - so everyone should be gone early enough for 3ds to start calming for bed. He likes to partay with his siblings' friends, 'cause they're really here to visit him. uh huh.) - so it is guaranteed the tree willl be up and finished decorating by the end of next week.

[AuntieM]

Sounds like you are good spirits today, looking forward to a fun and more relaxed Christmas. It also sounds like your dh may be seeing the light.

 

Glad for you that it's now behind you.