Alicia64 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I have the sweetest, most gentle friend who has fallen on really hard times. One of the issues is a job loss. And the other issue is a serious health issue. They have kids. I'd love to pick up a full Thanksgiving dinner from one of the local stores and give them a nice meal for Thanksgiving. But how should I make the offer? I don't want it to come across as condescending. I'm not sure how to do this. Years ago, my dh had a job loss and it was so scary. I've never completely gotten over how little anyone in our circle did. I don't want someone to feel as alone as we ended up feeling at the time. Any suggestions are really appreciated. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I'd love to pick up a full Thanksgiving dinner from one of the local stores and give them a nice meal for Thanksgiving. Could you invite them for Thanksgiving? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fleur de Lis Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Could you invite them for Thanksgiving? :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Could you invite them for Thanksgiving? Sadly, no. It's a long story, but we have a tradition in my family that can't be messed with. I say that in jest, but it's true. Plus a certain member of her family might not feel well enough to come over. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 You could do it secretly. Buy a Honeybaked Ham or grocery store gift card. Send it through the U.S. mail from "everyone in general and no one in particular." She probably will assume that people at her church took up a collection to purchse the card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scuff Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Yeah, just get a gift card from the local grocery store. Or pack a laundry basket full of stuff and leave it on her doorstep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Just take the food over to her and don't take no for an answer. "Here, this is yours. I love you. Enjoy." Give a quick hug, then walk out while her mouth is still hanging open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I think you should just offer. You could just say something like, "I know you guys have a lot on your plate and I would love to help. Would you let me bring your family Thanksgiving dinner? I'd really love to." If she already has something planned, ask her if there is any other way you can help her and if she says no, then leave it alone. I would personally love if a friend offered to do this for us! We had very close friends lose a child and I will never forget them telling us that they understood when people made insensitive comments (unintentionally) or were intrusive, but what hurt the most were all of their friends who said nothing. I really feel like it's always better to offer support if someone is open about their struggles. You are a good friend! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelissaMinNC Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Just take the food over to her and don't take no for an answer. "Here, this is yours. I love you. Enjoy." Give a quick hug, then walk out while her mouth is still hanging open. :iagree: This is what i do with a friend in a very similar situation. She usually manages to get in a "But you didn't need to..." To which I reply, I know I didn't. I love you." And then get out of there. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaAkins Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I would send a cute little Thanksgiving card in the mail that says, "Your Thanksgiving meal is taken care of! It will be delivered at xxx time on Thanksgiving Day! I just wanted you to know so that you can plan accordingly!" Then on Thanksgiving Day, I would deliver the meal...either in person, if that's what you want, or anonymously by putting it in a basket on their doorstep at the given time. You are a very sweet friend to think of your friends during this difficult time! I'm sure this meal will be a blessing to them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I agree that you just bring it over, and if possible do it soon before she has time to shop. And thank her! Tell her that you value how much she gives you as a friend and you thank her for giving you this opportunity to show her how much she means to you. And I want to :grouphug: you! Both for what you are doing and because you felt unsupported during your own difficult times. We all need support and a little help every now and then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 You could do it secretly. Buy a Honeybaked Ham or grocery store gift card. Send it through the U.S. mail from "everyone in general and no one in particular." She probably will assume that people at her church took up a collection to purchse the card. Love this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Just take the food over to her and don't take no for an answer. "Here, this is yours. I love you. Enjoy." Give a quick hug, then walk out while her mouth is still hanging open. Yep- that is what I would do. If you ask ahead of time, she may say no and make some excuse why you don't need to which can be awkward. What do you do than? Insist? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misidawnrn Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I like the idea of a gift card to the grocery store. That way if they need milk and cereal worse than they need cranberry sauce, the money will be spent on what they need. You could send it to her with a note that expresses your thankfulness in her being your friend and you are thankful that you are able to help someone in need, a place you have been. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Yeah, just get a gift card from the local grocery store. Or pack a laundry basket full of stuff and leave it on her doorstep. I think grocery store gift card is the best idea, or maybe gift card and a single dish (like a pie). Giving the food itself without any prior consultation runs into too much likelyhood of stepping on someone's pre-existing plans or traditions. (On the other hand, if the friend has been stressing about how she's going to manage to prepare everything all by herself or whatever, giving prepared food might be appropriate.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I did this last year for a friend and simply ordered a gift card online (Publix) that was mailed to them and there was no way you could 'return' it! I agree with PP that sometimes having the $$$ for what is truly needed is a big help. Doesn't have the same panache for the giver, I know. If you do order thru a grocery store, be alerted that they can take awhile to get the darn thing in the mail. You are so sweet and thoughtful to do this! As is said, it is in giving that we receive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Just take the food over to her and don't take no for an answer. "Here, this is yours. I love you. Enjoy." Give a quick hug, then walk out while her mouth is still hanging open. My only worry about doing this is that she'll have already thrown something of a meal together -- and here I show up w/ a full meal. So, in a way, that would be wasting her energy and food. Otherwise I love this idea too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoggirl Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I think grocery store gift card is the best idea, or maybe gift card and a single dish (like a pie). Giving the food itself without any prior consultation runs into too much likelyhood of stepping on someone's pre-existing plans or traditions. (On the other hand, if the friend has been stressing about how she's going to manage to prepare everything all by herself or whatever, giving prepared food might be appropriate.) I wouldn't just show up with a whole meal. They may have done some shopping/made other arrangements or something. I also agree with the PP that they made need cereal more than cranberry sauce. If you want to be 100% anonymous, then don't do the pie part. Personally, I like the idea of taking her a pie and giving her the gift card. Probably b/c I like the idea of a homemade pie :D. But, I do understand wanting to give anonymously as well. I have done it both ways in similar circumstances. You are a dear friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 All of your ideas are wonderful -- thank you. And thank you for saying nice things about me. I'm just darned if I'm going to watch somebody in trouble and not help. Plus I feel silly giving to an organization this holiday season when there's someone in my circle who is having a really hard time. Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 just putting a gift certificate to a grocery store in the mail, sent without your name on it. Anonymous giving feels great, and she can't really refuse, because who would she send it back to? And that way, she could buy what she likes and cook for her kids, and they would never even have to know where the food came from, not that it would matter, because knowing would be a different kind of blessing. But not knowing would mean that life would just seem "as always" - Mom always cooks TG dinner, and what kid asks how we afforded the food? Further, that way, if someone has invited them for TG dinner, they could use the money or gift certificate for other needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Just take the food over to her and don't take no for an answer. "Here, this is yours. I love you. Enjoy." Give a quick hug, then walk out while her mouth is still hanging open. :iagree:I also love the gc suggestions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKidAcademy Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Just take the food over to her and don't take no for an answer. "Here, this is yours. I love you. Enjoy." Give a quick hug, then walk out while her mouth is still hanging open. Or purchase the meal (our grocery has the entire meal ready for pick-up) and tell her ahead of time. Don't take "no." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 My only worry about doing this is that she'll have already thrown something of a meal together -- and here I show up w/ a full meal. So, in a way, that would be wasting her energy and food. Otherwise I love this idea too. Just go tomorrow (or soon) and show up with the groceries. What do you need? A turkey, sack of potatoes, bag of cranberries, bag of sugar, bag of carrots, frozen broccoli, box of stuffing, stuff to make pie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 just putting a gift certificate to a grocery store in the mail, sent without your name on it. Anonymous giving feels great, and she can't really refuse, because who would she send it back to? And that way, she could buy what she likes and cook for her kids, and they would never even have to know where the food came from, not that it would matter, because knowing would be a different kind of blessing. But not knowing would mean that life would just seem "as always" - Mom always cooks TG dinner, and what kid asks how we afforded the food? Further, that way, if someone has invited them for TG dinner, they could use the money or gift certificate for other needs. :iagree: A food basket might actually complicate things and make her feel guilty or frustrated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Or purchase the meal (our grocery has the entire meal ready for pick-up) and tell her ahead of time. Don't take "no." I understand the intention, but that's potentially really disrespectful. People may have established traditions, special dietary needs, better cooking ability than a mass-produced meal, or plans to go elsewhere. I'd only feel comfortable doing that if I knew that they were in a position where the actual preparation of the dinner would be a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Just be honest. I know we had people help us out when dh lost his job, and their help was very much appreciated. Just tell her you know that with the job loss and all they have going on, it must be frustrating. Let her know that your family wants to bless hers with a Thanksgiving meal so that they don't have to add that worry to their plates. I have been known to "lie" and tell a person someone once did me something similar and just asked that I "play it forward". IME, that line always wins over even the crustiest hearts. :) (So what if it wasn't that similar and that the person never voiced it, even if you think it typical of them.) Be prepared to face tears. Many people doing bravely finally break down when they have to acknowledge something so "good". (A classic example is the patient who listens with complete calm about their cancer recurrence, agrees for hospice care, and even cracks a joke, but when you complement their spouse, child, etc on their attentive caring, the tears explode.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Thanksgiving is a time of tradition (as you know from your own situation). Unless you absolutely 100% know that she isn't going to someone's house or doesn't have certain dietary needs, etc. I would go the grocery store card route instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Thanksgiving is a time of tradition (as you know from your own situation). Unless you absolutely 100% know that she isn't going to someone's house or doesn't have certain dietary needs, etc. I would go the grocery store card route instead. Maybe get a gift card for the amount of one of the grocery store meals (+tax), and mention the possibility in the note? That way they can use it in whatever way feels most appropriate, and if the ease of a pre-made meal is what would be most helpful, they have that option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChocolateReignRemix Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Thanksgiving is a time of tradition (as you know from your own situation). Unless you absolutely 100% know that she isn't going to someone's house or doesn't have certain dietary needs, etc. I would go the grocery store card route instead. ^^^This. We help a few families every year, and typically do gift cards. The exception is for someone we know who is unable to prepare a full meal, in which case they get the gift card and a note ahead of time with the information about a meal that is being prepared for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Just be honest. I know we had people help us out when dh lost his job, and their help was very much appreciated. Just tell her you know that with the job loss and all they have going on, it must be frustrating. Let her know that your family wants to bless hers with a Thanksgiving meal so that they don't have to add that worry to their plates. :iagree: This. We've had such a hard couple of years, financially, ourselves, and we've had some friends say, "I want to give you X." It's such a blessing, and I don't have words to say how much it has meant. You are a wonderful friend. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Just take the food over to her and don't take no for an answer. "Here, this is yours. I love you. Enjoy." Give a quick hug, then walk out while her mouth is still hanging open. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 You could do it secretly. Buy a Honeybaked Ham or grocery store gift card. Send it through the U.S. mail from "everyone in general and no one in particular." She probably will assume that people at her church took up a collection to purchse the card. :iagree: find a time that you know they are home or does the store have a delivery service? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 UGH--posted twice--sorry........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Random Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Just take the food over to her and don't take no for an answer. "Here, this is yours. I love you. Enjoy." Give a quick hug, then walk out while her mouth is still hanging open. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macpuffins Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Just be honest. I know we had people help us out when dh lost his job, and their help was very much appreciated. Just tell her you know that with the job loss and all they have going on, it must be frustrating. Let her know that your family wants to bless hers with a Thanksgiving meal so that they don't have to add that worry to their plates. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 Just take the food over to her and don't take no for an answer. "Here, this is yours. I love you. Enjoy." Give a quick hug, then walk out while her mouth is still hanging open. Depending how close a friend she is, I would agree with this. I grew up poor. My mother did the best she could, and while we never went hungry, we often ate whatever she could afford. One Thanksgiving (I was 11) she was preparing to feed us what would not be considered a Thanksgiving dinner by anyone's standards. A friend of hers just showed up with a fully cooked Thanksgiving meal. She didn't make anyone feel bad, just said "Hey, it's time to eat!" My mom and her friend cried, and we all sat down to eat. I will never forget that. Don't underestimate the effect a good deed can have on someone. Even children notice it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 just putting a gift certificate to a grocery store in the mail, sent without your name on it. I did this for a friend last year who was having a rough time. She suspected it was me, and kept asking me if I knew anything about it, but I denied it and just said that it sounded like she got a visit from the gift card fairy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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