Bully Question

[Scarlett]

Were you ever a bully? Even one time?

 

My mom, who was a 5th grade teacher, has a theory that a lot of kids have the tendency to be mean to other kids, but when called on it by a person in authority (or even by peers) will stop and 'see' themselves and change their ways.

 

Ds11 has a 14 year old friend....ds felt betrayed when this 14 yo friend didn't stick up for ds at the ball field with some kids they didn't know. (kids told ds his shirt was for babies and the 14 year sort of chimed in to agree). Ds told me about it and I pulled the friend off to the side later and had a conversation with him about sticking up for each other and loyalty. He has been SUPER good to ds ever since.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I can remember two or three times growing up that I was a bully. Each time, I was so ashamed afterwards that I vowed to never be so awful again.

 

It had been easier than I thought to be swept up into a groupthink situation or simply to indulge my less-than-charitable side. It has made me very aware of how easy it is to do things you know are wrong.

[aggieamy]

I'm going with other. I wasn't ever called out on it but I can remember once or twice picking on a kid. It didn't seem like bullying at the time but looking back it probably was. The kid had a strange middle name and a few of us thought it was funny enought to joke about. Repeatedly. For two days straight on the bus. Ugh. Now I feel like a real jerk about it but it wasn't until a few days afterwards when I realized that probably was mean. I've been picked on by bullies way more than I've bullied.

[SquirrellyMama]

I can remember two or three times growing up that I was a bully. Each time, I was so ashamed afterwards that I vowed to never be so awful again.

 

It had been easier than I thought to be swept up into a groupthink situation or simply to indulge my less-than-charitable side. It has made me very aware of how easy it is to do things you know are wrong.

:iagree: This sums up my experience also.

[coralloyd]

Ack I read too quickly! I thought it said "Have you ever been bullied?". :blushing::blushing:

[BrookValley.]

I was bully-ish to a friend once. I think we were in the middle of one of those tween years girlfriend "spats," and I remember walking behind her while walking home from the bus stop, taunting her about some random detail. I also remember feeling horrible about it later. :( Eventually, things were smoothed out, and we're still friends to this day.

 

Back when I was a kid, social interaction was dominated so much by how you were perceived by others--being part of the right cliques, etc. I think your mom's theory is probably somewhat accurate. Looking back, I think my instance of bullying was related to me testing the waters, so to speak. For once acting like others in my age group did. Sounds like your son's friend may have been doing the same thing. No matter how often you choose to be independent and not go along with peer pressure, there's always that curiousity about it. I was never one to go with the flow, but I know at times I did do things based on the perceptions of others. I think it's just a part of figuring it all out.

[Janie Grace]

No. I was never in the "power position" socially. I was always the one being bullied, or glad I wasn't being bullied in that moment. I was also a sensitive kid with a loud conscience and VERY consistent training from my mom about kindness towards others. I was/am not a saint, but bullying wasn't one of my pitfalls.

[Guest submarines]

Once, when I was 9. It was the worst feeling, and I was deeply ashamed. It is still painful to recall. No one called me on it, but I haven't done it since.

 

ETA: I've been reading various definitons of bullying since posting. I was really mean to my classmate, but if anything, he was in the position of power. Does it count? I dont' know. I still feel as badly about it, but I don't think my action falls into the category of bullying.

 

This thread would be more meaningful if bullying was defined.

 

Other than being really mean to that boy without reason that one time, I was friends with those who were bullied and defended them from those who were repeat offenders.

Edited November 15, 2011 by sunflowers

[joannqn]

I typically was the friend of the least popular kids in class. My athletic abilities helped keep me from being the least popular kid, though I was a pretty close second due to the friendships. I cannot recall ever being a bully.

[Denise in Florida]

I voted 'a few times', because I am not sure.

 

In retrospect, as an adult, I can see things I wish I had not done. I did not ever single another person out for abuse but I probably went with the crowd when I should not have. And I remember a few very ignorant things I said that must have hurt the other person. I wish someone had called me out about that. I would not think or say those things now and I cringe when I remember them.

[mommaduck]

Never; I was always the kid at the bottom of the dog pile.

[MinivanMom]

I was never a bully.

 

I was quiet and academically-minded with a very loud conscience, so I was always the one defending or befriending the bullied. In one memorable middle-school instance I put myself physically between a popular jock and the shy, overweight boy he was bullying. It caused quite a stir at the time, but the bully and I had a long friendship (we were neighbors) so I knew I wasn't in any danger and could defuse the situation. There were several similar instances in high school where I jumped in to defend a bullied girl, but those were more of relational aggression situations.

 

I have no sympathy for bullies. I also don't buy the nonsense about them having low self-esteem. Most of the bullies I knew growing up suffered from a combination of high self-esteem, low empathy, and good social skills. You have to have good social skills to create and control those situations, while keeping adults from figuring out what's going on.

[Mynyel]

I don't think I actively bullied anyone, I do think I was guilty by omission though. I knew a couple kids that would get made fun of (not even close to the bullying tactics of today but bullying for then) and I wouldn't say anything.

 

That being said, apparently I was bullied in school. I don't remember it at all. However my parents pulled me from public school for two years because of it according to them.

 

I wish we could do something about it but I don't know what. It has been going on since the dawn of time.

[Paige]

I was mean a few times, but not often. I was never purposefully mean to anyone where I thought they would find out. There was a boy I didn't like who liked me. I called him mean names among my friends- not vulgar, just kid mean stuff- but I never said it in front of him and would have been horrified if he had heard. Other times, I recall that I was mean but I didn't realize it was hurtful until later. I always felt bad about it.

 

I think most kids do mean things, just as most adults can be unintentionally or even occasionally intentionally mean, but that it isn't bullying unless there's a pattern and intent. I think bullying, in some ways, gets way too much focus so that kids feel bullied even when other kids are just being jerks. Not to minimize the pain of children who really are targeted and bullied, but sometimes, kids are just mean, clueless, or annoying.

[SailorMom]

I was the shy, academic, awkward, clueless kid until my Freshman year of HS. So - I was the bullied one, not the bully.

I'm sure I said or did a few things that were not all that great, but I call that immaturity, not bullying. I mean - saying something like "I don't want to be your friend" isn't bullying, but may not be the best idea.....

[goldberry]

Once. I was about 8-9 and I remember it to this day because I was so ashamed of myself. I made another boy cry. I still feel ashamed just thinking about it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Hmmm. I've had people be mean to me and didn't think I was being bullied. I had an ice cold bucket of water thrown on me in the middle of a Michigan winter and been kicked and shoved and did think I was being bullied. I've been mean at times - usually a snarky comment that later I apologized for but I don't think I've ever bullied anyone.

[lllll]

..

[aggieamy]

Interesting how many of that have done something mean or bullying felt such shame afterwards. I wonder if those kids that picked on me as a kid felt that way afterwards. Even to this day I'm so embarassed to have been mean to that kid on the bus.

[Pretty in Pink]

I voted 'a few times'. I never targeted someone for relentless hazing, though I was the target of such behavior several times growing up. I know that my girlfriends and I made fun of a few girls behind their backs in high school. I know that I was less than charitable to a few girls. I know that I passed up opportunities to stick up for a few people when they were being teased. I don't really consider that bullying but it's behavior that I'm ashamed of nonetheless.

[kewb]

Other. For the most part I was the one bullied. However, I can think of a few instances where my behavior was certainly bullying. No one ever called me on it and at the time I didn't see it as I was being a bully.

 

I think all kids can be bullies. I also believe that kids can be taught what is right and what is wrong and how to behave.

[Starr]

I can't imagine that anyone has never participated in some sort of perceived bullying behavior. Whenever we have gone our merry way, ignoring someone else, joining in with your friends and not noticing who you pushed out. It's been done by all of us. Catching our behavior or having someone point it out to us and stopping it is key. We need to learn as children to say we are sorry, mean it and change our behavior.

[JMDRAD]

Ack I read too quickly! I thought it said "Have you ever been bullied?". :blushing::blushing:

 

Haha, I read it wrong too.

 

I was bullied quite a bit in 7-9 grade. I attended a small Christian school. I was a misfit from the start because of how I looked and talked (southern accent). I desperately wanted to fit in but did not know how. I ended up being made fun of quite a bit. I remember one time going up to some girl friends (I thought they were friends) and putting my arms around them both. The one girl went around the school telling everybody that I was "gay". I'm not at all but that really cut deeply. To this day I have issues with touching and being touched. There was also a rumor going around that I had a huge crush on a single male teacher. I was really into the history lesson that day but, kids being kids, had to make it something else. I was mortified. It's all silly looking back now but at the time I felt like it was the end of the world. I cried myself to sleep many nights.

[Scarlett]

I can't imagine that anyone has never participated in some sort of perceived bullying behavior. Whenever we have gone our merry way, ignoring someone else, joining in with your friends and not noticing who you pushed out. It's been done by all of us. Catching our behavior or having so

meone point it out to us and stopping it is key. We need to learn as children to say we are sorry, mean it and change our behavior.

 

I agree. They say a clean.conscience is the sign if a bad memory. ;)

The worst I remember was in high school putting a bar of soap in the locker of a boy who would not bathe. That was very unkind.....I think it was bullying.

[Scarlett]

Once, when I was 9. It was the worst feeling, and I was deeply ashamed. It is still painful to recall. No one called me on it, but I haven't done it since.

 

ETA: I've been reading various definitons of bullying since posting. I was really mean to my classmate, but if anything, he was in the position of power. Does it count? I dont' know. I still feel as badly about it, but I don't think my action falls into the category of bullying.

 

This thread would be more meaningful if bullying was defined.

 

Other than being really mean to that boy without reason that one time, I was friends with those who were bullied and defended them from those who were repeat offenders.

 

 

I agree the definition isn't clear. And I confused further by mentioning my sons friend...that wasn't what I would call bullying....but I still think he felt bad for not standi up for ds when the other boys WERE bullying

[Audrey]

Well, there was this one kid...

 

He used to pick on my kindy-aged little brother. He was twice my size and I think several grades ahead of me. So, for the umpteenth time, I saw him shoving my brother's face in the sandbox and no one did anything about it. I had that moment -- where you think you see red -- and I launched my tiny self across the playground, leapt on his back, grabbed his hair and didn't stop slamming his face into the ground until a teacher wrenched me off of him.

 

I got (kind of) in trouble for that, mostly because my dad had to go to his dad and explain what happened. His dad was a jr. officer. My dad was a CPO. His dad outranked mine, so I'd caused my dad some discomfort there. I remember his dad being embarrassed when he saw me because I was really small at the time. I felt bad for my dad, but not for the kid.

 

After that, I noticed that this kid was kind of avoiding me. I got kind of sassy about that and whenever I saw him even looking in my brother's direction on the playground, I would say "Are you LOOKING at my brother?" And, I would give him as sinister a look as my 7yo self could muster. And he cried the first time I did that. So, I did it several more times after that because I knew he'd cry.

 

When I think about it, I'm still not sure if I'm sorry or not. I lean towards 'not' even though I know it was wrong to do that to him.

[Denise in Florida]

Interesting how many of that have done something mean or bullying felt such shame afterwards. I wonder if those kids that picked on me as a kid felt that way afterwards. Even to this day I'm so embarassed to have been mean to that kid on the bus.

 

Most of the events I remember were just stupid kid stuff. But one ignorant remark (about class distinctions) makes me burn with shame everytime I remember.

[Remudamom]

I was bullied in high school, but not too badly. It was another girl. I tried to be friends with her but she did not like me. I finally just ignored her.

 

I did get into one fight in high school when I found out another bully had targeted my little brother. Bully was a year younger than me but my size or better. I did my best to hurt him. He left brother alone after that. Teachers all looked the other way ( I wasn't real discrete about trying to kill him) because he was a known bully and I guess they figured he had it coming.

 

The bullying didn't really bother me that much. The girl had problems. Huge problems. Being a bully was just one of them. But I couldn't bear someone messing with my little brother.

[Parker Martin]

Heh. When I was young, I was usually the one getting bullied, but generally not for long because I always fought back.

 

In fifth grade I had a friend I was jealous of because she was very likeable and all the boys loved her. One day I made fun of her when she was gone from school. I was a very sensitive child and immediately felt terrible about it. Later in the day, my teacher took me aside and called me out about it in a very scathing way. I deserved it, and I was ashamed.

 

On the bright side, it made me hate jealousy and want to stamp it out of my character completely. I cannot recall the last time I felt so much as a twinge of jealousy.

 

I also remember one time in particular when I was being repeatedly bullied by an older girl in dance class, and the teacher called the girl out on it. The teacher was pretty brutal about it and reduced the girl to tears, but the girl never did it again.

 

In high school I intervened in bullying many times, and it always seemed to work.

 

So yes, I think that calling out an act of bullying can be effective and can help the one doing the bullying to improve.

[Paige]

Once. I was about 8-9 and I remember it to this day because I was so ashamed of myself. I made another boy cry. I still feel ashamed just thinking about it.

 

I feel the same about one mean thing I did when I was a similar age. I had no idea it was mean until later that day and I had nothing against the girl; didn't dislike her or anything. I still think about sending her a note of apology but never have. I think it may come across as ridiculous after 20-25 years and she may not even remember.

[abbeyej]

I don't think I was ever a "bully" in the stereotypical sense. But there were absolutely times when I was inadvertently hurtful to another child. Maybe I was willfully ignorant of how cruel I was being. Maybe I was legitimately oblivious. I wasn't ever regularly or systematically cruel to anyone that I can think of, but there were certainly times when I was thoughtless and, from the other party's perspective, may well have been a "bully".

 

Sometimes that was pointed out to me and I corrected my behavior. Other times I realized on my own that I was not behaving in a kind and honorable way. Other times the circumstance didn't last long for any number of reasons, but I can look back and see how much kinder I could and should have been.

 

I think it's just rarely as cut-and-dried as we imagine it when we just hear the word "bullying".

 

And I think that MOST kids have had the opportunity to be in that position at one time or other. Perhaps not in an ongoing way, almost assuredly not in an intentional way, and perhaps without ever even realizing what they've done.

 

One of my favorite books for thinking about and discussing this issue with kids is The Hundred Dresses by Eleanor Estes. It's written from the perspective of a young girl who is not a bully. She's best friends with a girl who picks at another child in their class -- a child who is less well-off and less friendly in her own right. She doesn't laugh off the picking, she responds in a way that makes it more "fun" to continue... And the narrator of the story wonders if maybe they shouldn't behave like this, but she also likes her best friend. She can't believe that what they're doing is "really wrong"... It's a great story for discussing the range of behaviors that really do qualify as "bullying" with kids. And what they could do if they found themselves in the position of any of the kids in the story (inadvertent bully, friend-pulled-along, victim)...

[Farrar]

I was never an instigating bully that I can remember. Inadvertently hurting another kid's feelings is not being a bully to me. That's just being human.

 

However, I voted sometimes because I can remember times when I stood by and allowed bullying to happen or even supported it. I was never high on the social chain really (until my high school, where there wasn't much of a social chain). In middle school, there was one very socially awkward girl who was relentlessly bullied and I remember laughing at her with the crowd and treating her poorly to not be associated with her. Sigh. She was later, it was rumored, sexually assaulted in a bathroom and eventually left school. Such a horrible thing. I was always on the edge and not much involved, but I recall that now and am a little horrified by it all.

[Scarlett]

Heh. When I was young, I was usually the one getting bullied, but generally not for long because I always fought back.

 

In fifth grade I had a friend I was jealous of because she was very likeable and all the boys loved her. One day I made fun of her when she was gone from school. I was a very sensitive child and immediately felt terrible about it. Later in the day, my teacher took me aside and called me out about it in a very scathing way. I deserved it, and I was ashamed.

 

On the bright side, it made me hate jealousy and want to stamp it out of my character completely. I cannot recall the last time I felt so much as a twinge of jealousy.

 

I also remember one time in particular when I was being repeatedly bullied by an older girl in dance class, and the teacher called the girl out on it. The teacher was pretty brutal about it and reduced the girl to tears, but the girl never did it again.

 

In high school I intervened in bullying many times, and it always seemed to work.

 

So yes, I think that calling out an act of bullying can be effective and can help the one doing the bullying to improve.

 

Great post. Thank you for the examples which I do believe bear out my mom's theory.

[abbeyej]

I was never an instigating bully that I can remember. Inadvertently hurting another kid's feelings is not being a bully to me. That's just being human.

 

Inadvertently hurting someone's feelings happens. ... But there are times when a kid (or even an adult) needs to have what they are doing pointed out to them. "Do you see how you are purposely ignoring that child? The unpretty one? Did you notice how you turned your shoulder just slightly, so there wasn't room at your table, so the slightly loud, slightly inappropriate kid wouldn't be able to sit there? Do you realize how tiny actions like that, over and over, from many kids *do* equal bullying [from the victim's perspective] as much as knocking him/her over and taking their lunch?"

...I voted sometimes because I can remember times when I stood by and allowed bullying to happen or even supported it. I was never high on the social chain really (until my high school, where there wasn't much of a social chain). In middle school, there was one very socially awkward girl who was relentlessly bullied and I remember laughing at her with the crowd and treating her poorly to not be associated with her.

That's exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. A bully does *not* have to be high in the social hierarchy -- kids who are targeted by others are just as capable of hurting others as the "popular" or "athletic". ... Few kids are the biggest, the strongest, the queen bees... Those kids are necessarily a minority. But it takes all of the others -- the middling ones, the stragglers -- to create a situation in which another child is "bullied".

 

 

I was always on the edge and not much involved, but I recall that now and am a little horrified by it all.

 

Right, exactly. That's why it's so important to me to discuss these things with my kids. Not all bullying is open taunting or physical violence. Some of it is more subtle, and kids who are not "cruel" or insensitive can be drawn into being a part of it -- even if being a part of it is simply standing along with the crowd and allowing it to happen...

[Ipsey]

I was rude and perhaps bullyish to one girl, mostly dismissive of her over the course of several months. We played the same instrument. She annoyed me. I was cool toward her, but I eventually shaped up. No one called me on it. I wish I had been kinder, but I didn't go out of my way to be mean.

 

What I do regret was not stepping in to help other kids who were being bullied. I watched very socially weak kids being pestered and didn't help.

 

That I regret very deeply.

 

I've been glad to see my daughter show some bravery and character I didn't have.

[Scarlett]

Inadvertently hurting someone's feelings happens. ... But there are times when a kid (or even an adult) needs to have what they are doing pointed out to them. "Do you see how you are purposely ignoring that child? The unpretty one? Did you notice how you turned your shoulder just slightly, so there wasn't room at your table, so the slightly loud, slightly inappropriate kid wouldn't be able to sit there? Do you realize how tiny actions like that, over and over, from many kids *do* equal bullying [from the victim's perspective] as much as knocking him/her over and taking their lunch?"

 

That's exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. A bully does *not* have to be high in the social hierarchy -- kids who are targeted by others are just as capable of hurting others as the "popular" or "athletic". ... Few kids are the biggest, the strongest, the queen bees... Those kids are necessarily a minority. But it takes all of the others -- the middling ones, the stragglers -- to create a situation in which another child is "bullied".

 

 

 

 

Right, exactly. That's why it's so important to me to discuss these things with my kids. Not all bullying is open taunting or physical violence. Some of it is more subtle, and kids who are not "cruel" or insensitive can be drawn into being a part of it -- even if being a part of it is simply standing along with the crowd and allowing it to happen...

 

Good points. I do point these things out to my ds11 but always called them unkind. Maybe I should add the stronger term of bullying. I mostly point out to him that HE would not want to be treated that way.

 

What ds has been experiencing lately is kids in the neighborhood....when he walks the dog they make fun of the pink collar and leash....the DOG is a FEMALE. Just crushes ds though.

[Scarlett]

I was rude and perhaps bullyish to one girl, mostly dismissive of her over the course of several months. We played the same instrument. She annoyed me. I was cool toward her, but I eventually shaped up. No one called me on it. I wish I had been kinder, but I didn't go out of my way to be mean.

 

What I do regret was not stepping in to help other kids who were being bullied. I watched very socially weak kids being pestered and didn't help.

 

That I regret very deeply.

 

I've been glad to see my daughter show some bravery and character I didn't have.

 

It sure bothers some kids more than others...being bullied. My dh was bullied a lot, but says it didn't bother him. He was red headed and got teased about that. He was also VERY tall and has told me many stories of intervening when others were being bullied. It does help stop the bullying.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am ashamed to admit this having been victimized by bullies for years when I was young - I did participate in bullying a co-worker as an adult. I thought what we were doing was partly in good fun and partly to teach him a lesson (he was a real pain to work with - sabotaging work, taking credit for other people's accomplishments, etc.) Looking back, it was mean. If I had it to do over again, I would have made a different choice. He did leave the company (at a time when many people were leaving) and I heard that his new job was a big improvement for him so I hope that it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

[Chelli]

I have no sympathy for bullies. I also don't buy the nonsense about them having low self-esteem. Most of the bullies I knew growing up suffered from a combination of high self-esteem, low empathy, and good social skills. You have to have good social skills to create and control those situations, while keeping adults from figuring out what's going on.

 

:iagree: I can agree with what you said here because I was a bully from K-6. I will go there to give the bully perspective. I was not a good kid. I was mean. Why was I mean? I really don't know. I thought it was fun :001_huh: That sounds totally sick and perverse, but I did. I would kick or knee boys between the legs because I thought their reaction (grabbing themselves and falling on the ground was funny). I didn't have a brother, so I didn't know that what they had down there would actually hurt.

 

I remember spreading horrendous lies and gossip about another girl when I was in fourth grade just to do it.

 

I had pretty good self-esteem. I was really smart and knew it. I still have problems with empathy, but I've taught myself to be more empathetic. And I am very social, adults generally really liked me as a kid.

 

I'm not sure the ramifications of my bullying, but I feel so ashamed for the way I acted when I was a bully. I cannot even imagine the pain that I caused some of the kids I went to school with. I tried to make ammends with as many of them as I could throughout high school and beyond. I actually wound up having a really good relationship with everyone that I went to school with (same group of kids from K-12).

 

The moment that I really got how awful I had been was when I was in college. I became best friends with a girl in high school, stayed friends throughout college, and are still great friends. Once when we were in college, she told me what my bullying had done to her. Apparently (I couldn't even remember), I used to tease her about being overweight. She told me that she would go home every day and cry because of what I said. I was mortified. This girl wound up being my best friend! I gave her a huge hug and thanked her profusely for giving me a second chance at being a good person.

 

The only thing that changed my bullying ways was we were getting ready to start 7th grade. At my school 7th-12th grade was in one building. For the first time in my life, I was worried. I had no real friends and was about to enter the "big school". I basically woke up one morning and decided that I wouldn't be mean anymore because I wanted to have friends. My parents had tried disciplining me. The school had as well. I just didn't care until I made up my own mind.

 

Today, I am such a stickler for stomping out any signs of bullying or being mean to other kids. I've been on the bully's side and I've heard from others (including my own husband) about how hurtful and debilitating bullying can be.

 

Being a bully for all of those years is one of the things I regret most about my past. :crying:

[Osmosis Mom]

Well, I was a Mean Girl in sixth grade. I instigated that all of us in the class (some 18 kids) ignore a girl after she returned to school from having been sick. They all followed me! The girl was not at all an outsider and it was probably the meanest thing I ever did. It lasted for a few days until I had had enough.

 

I was also part of bullying some weak teacher. Had just changed school in fifth grade to a class with a strong bully character. We sort of had fun with the home ed teacher and it turned to bullying. She was a senior teacher and should have known to humiliate a couple of us... Oh, yeah, that was the same year I made fun of the music teacher and actually -lo and behold- got sent to the principal's office (I never did go as I was an A student and did not want it on my record; instead I just waited in front of the door of the class!).

 

In any case, I stopped bullying due to my conscience and not from anything else.