Hannah Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 My oldest daughter has developed a nasty habit of picking on her sister. It happens a number of times a day that I have to remind her to, "be nice to your sister", "I'll correct your sister when she needs it", "use a kind voice please", "or repeat what you just said in a kind voice" and so on. She will apologize, but I don't believe that it is sincere. We need her to break this habit and change her behaviour, but I'm stuck as to how to do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Role-play outside of the moment and pray / meditate about it as a family throughout the day. Point it out in literature and discuss when people treat each other well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 My first thought was, "Is she 11?" and sure enough, when I looked at your signature, sure enough.... Figure out your consequences for picking at littler sister and stay consistent. Talk to her about character. Find ways to help her do big person stuff with you, like baking or gardening together. Let her help her little sister with something like piano practice or listening to her read. Find common activities for them to do together too, so that they're building fun memories. I think 11 is hard. She's still a kid, but growing out of the little kid stuff that sister gets to do. But she's not a teen yet, ready to do more grown-up stuff. It's not an excuse for her behavior, of course! If you guide her consistently, correcting *and* teaching, she'll grow out of it, it's just going to take some time. :) Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Probably won't be a popular answer, but if I caught her being nasty to little sis I'd have her do a bit of community service for her, and I wouldn't much care if she thought it unpleasant. Being picked on is pretty unpleasant too, especially from someone who should be caring for you and looking out for you. This is a sore spot for me, my dds get along fabulously, but I have two nieces who live to get at each other. They aren't happy unless the other is unhappy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Probably won't be a popular answer, but if I caught her being nasty to little sis I'd have her do a bit of community service for her, and I wouldn't much care if she thought it unpleasant. Being picked on is pretty unpleasant too, especially from someone who should be caring for you and looking out for you. This is a sore spot for me, my dds get along fabulously, but I have two nieces who live to get at each other. They aren't happy unless the other is unhappy. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :iagree: with all of the above. The only thing I have to add is tomato-staking. The bully gets to spend lots of time with you so that you can provide gentle correction and a positive role model. Usually, when one of my kids gets nasty with the others, he has a bug up his butt about something. Spending time with me, helping me with laundry/dishes/cooking/walking the dog gives us an opportunity to discuss whatever is creating this mood that leads to the nasty behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I agree with having the 11 y.o. do service work for the younger sister. I'd also tell her if I can't count on her to be kind to her sister, I certainly can't count on her to be kind to others in public, so say goodbye to social activities. That always straightened out my extroverts ;). I would also try and plan some fun things for the three of you to do together~go for a walk, play a game, etc. and encourage some sisterly bonding with you there to facilitate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 *Love* the community service suggestion. I wonder, if you used this as something to practice a certain number of times per week, if it would become a matter of course rather than a consequence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I'd have her do community service - for her sister. Every nasty comment is an opportunity to exchange it with a blessing. Snide comment on her appearance - you can bless her by cleaning out her closet. Rude about her schoolwork - she can model good schoolwork by doing some more herself. I would be extremely consistent and stay on it. It's totally worth it since you may be saving their relationship as adults. You may also want to pull out an apple and have her stick a toothpick in for every comment for a few days. Then, have her pull one out for every trite "I'm sorry". It's a great visual of how we can say we're sorry, but the damage is there and the "sorry" doesn't make it go away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katiebug_1976 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Ooo...I'm really liking the community service for the picked on sibling. Do y'all think it would work with teens, too? I have this problem with several of my dc (younger ones are learning from the older ones :banghead: ) and am having a hard time getting through to them that it is not acceptable behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhudson Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 :iagree: with all of the above. The only thing I have to add is tomato-staking. The bully gets to spend lots of time with you so that you can provide gentle correction and a positive role model. Usually, when one of my kids gets nasty with the others, he has a bug up his butt about something. Spending time with me, helping me with laundry/dishes/cooking/walking the dog gives us an opportunity to discuss whatever is creating this mood that leads to the nasty behavior. I think these are great ideas. If you say or do something unkind in our home you have to say sorry and make amends. At times this has been up to three times the offense. It stops it pretty quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 When I read the comments, my first thought was that no, that's not what I meant, dd's not being nasty or a bully or out to intentionally hurt her sister, she's just impatient and critical and.. But I guess the consequences of a snappy tone of voice, nitpicking, blaming or other negativity is really the same as the more overt types of bullying and should be dealt with in the same way. Thanks for bringing me to the realisation! And for the great ideas. In addition to the consequences more 'mature' one-on-one time to talk will be good too. I feel that I can work on some changes and deal with this now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 I agree with Remudamom and Dirty Ethel Rackham. On the continuum of bad behavior, being mean to another human being ranks high on my list of Behavior That Will Be Addressed Immediately and Forcefully. There is nothing more important in my book than treating people well. Intentionally being mean to someone is bad for the bully's heart and ruins relationships. Verbal reminders don't cut it, especially if the bully is ignoring them with repeated bad behavior. Tell the daughter who is being unkind that she is being a bully and needs to learn to treat her sister kindly. This does not need to be said in a mean or angry way--tell her the truth about her behavior honestly and directly, but with a kind, concerned tone of voice. Decide on a consequence. I'm enthusiastic about about manual labor and tomato-staking. It's the perfect combination of hard work and relationship modeling. Then, each and every time your daughter steps over that line into mean behavior, she has to do her chores first and second spend the day right at your side. You can (sweetly, not angrily) say something like, "I can see you are having a hard time remembering to be kind. We talked about this earlier when we talked about bullying. To help you remember, you're going to have to [insert chore] and when you're done you can stick with me for the day so I can help you continue to remember how to be kind." Doing this will address the behavior right away and give her incentive to not do it again. It will help your daughter get OUT of bad habits and INTO better habits. Training a good habit takes time and investment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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