fairfarmhand Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 My mom died in January after a 12 year illness that left her mentally and physically debilitated for the last 5 yrs. Dad met a nice lady and he asked her last night to marry him. I am happy for him. Honestly. He is happier than he has been in years. Still feels a bit weird. I miss my mom. But it's ok. Really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggie Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny_P Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug: If he took care of your mom for so long during such great illness, he deserves some happiness, even if it seems sort of soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bbkaren Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Bittersweet...best wishes to your Dad and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edelweiss Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 That definitely deserves a big hug. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggieamy Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug: If he took care of your mom for so long during such great illness, he deserves some happiness, even if it seems sort of soon. :iagree:. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 My mom died in January after a 12 year illness that left her mentally and physically debilitated for the last 5 yrs. Dad met a nice lady and he asked her last night to marry him. I am happy for him. Honestly. He is happier than he has been in years. Still feels a bit weird. I miss my mom. But it's ok. Really. :grouphug: My mom married a man 11 months after he lost his wife (of 42 years) to ovarian cancer. Mom and Step-dad just celebrated their 10 year anniversary! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug: My mom also died in January after a long illness. My parents had been together since she was 14, he was 16. I hope when the time comes I can approach a new relationship for Dad with as much kindness and understanding as you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 My mom died in January after a 12 year illness that left her mentally and physically debilitated for the last 5 yrs. Dad met a nice lady and he asked her last night to marry him. I am happy for him. Honestly. He is happier than he has been in years. Still feels a bit weird. I miss my mom. But it's ok. Really. I understand completely. About five years ago my mom passed after years of illness. There were times I was afraid we would lose my dad first, he cared for her constantly and was often exhausted. I would travel across country to give him respite relief wherever I could. After Mom died he started going out to movies and dinner and such with a woman friend who had recently lost her husband. The two couples had been bridge friends for years. She and Dad live together now (won't marry due to loss of social security/retirement benefits as surviving spouses). This woman is nice enough, we are not close but I send her Christmas gifts etc. I like her okay, I am glad Dad has someone and is not lonely. They travel together and I am glad he has someone with him. He is in his 80's. It was still a shock and adjustment. Even though I was not upset or judgemental it was a heart wrenching change. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I hope you get to a comfortable place soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swimtaxi234 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 If he took care of your mom for so long during such great illness, he deserves some happiness, even if it seems sort of soon. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKidAcademy Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 My mom died 4yrs ago. My dad married again about 3wks ago. I'm happy for him, but yeah, it is weird. (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I can see how that would be difficult for you :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiegirl Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I just wanted to add another :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Wow, my mom has cancer and may be dying :( My friend was just talking to me about if my dad would get remarried soon or not..... Hard :( Hope your dad's new "wife to be" is sweet and understanding.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I really understand the weird feeling. My father was physically debilitated for several years before he passed away at age 84. My mom remarried on the anniversary of his death (she's 13 years younger). :tongue_smilie: I wish every happiness for my mom, really. But it is still weird for me. I see those as separate sets of feelings. Try to show happiness for your dad; if he's like my mom, he suspects that it's hard for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug: If he took care of your mom for so long during such great illness, he deserves some happiness, even if it seems sort of soon. I know there was no maliciousness or anything negative meant by this, but personally, this should be filed under, things that should not be said. Of course he deserves some happiness. He took care of her mom (his wife) because they were married, he loved her, and that is what you do. For better or worse in sickness and in health. He completed his vowels. The op knows it, but it is still hard. I understand I lost my dad 10 years ago. My mom dated a man seriously this past year and got engaged. Of course my siblings and I were happy for her!! BUT there is a sadness there too. I guess you could say, bittersweet. You mourn the loss of your parent (in a way) all over again. You mourn what was. Doesn't mean you aren't happy for them or that they don't deserve happiness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Wow, my mom has cancer and may be dying :( My friend was just talking to me about if my dad would get remarried soon or not..... Hard :( Hope your dad's new "wife to be" is sweet and understanding.... :confused::confused::confused: your mom is still alive and your "friend" asked you that???? Nice. :glare: At my dad's funeral, (my dad was 50, it was a surprising death) my fil asked me if I thought my mom would get remarried. :glare: I wanted to punch him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleWMN Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug: my mom remarried last December. It had been almost two years since my dad's death. I am SO happy for her and I love my step-dad. However, it's still hard, awkward and my step-dad will never ever replace my dad. I understand your conflicting emotions. Be gentle with yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mothergooseof4 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I see this from different angles. My dad died when I was a teenager. My mom remarried shortly after I moved out of the house. I was happy for her. She was lonely and I didn't want her to be alone. She was also extremely happy with this man. I am not close to my stepdad, but I appreciate how he treated my mom. I wish she would have met him sooner. My mom died a little over a decade later at a young age. My stepdad was 11 years older so this was very unexpected. I lost a dh a few years ago. I was miserable. I do not like being single and I kept thinking that the longer I was single I was losing years that I could be in a happy marriage. God didn't see fit to bring anyone into my life for a while though. So, when my mom died, I told stepdad, who was already up there in age, that if he met someone soon I would not be offended. I know he loved my mom and treated her well. But, after being alone for years and missing that relationship in my life, I know we only live once and he needs to grab love if God offers. It has been a few years and he still says he is done. But, if he had met someone months later, I would have been excited for him. All of that said, yes, I still miss late dh and mourn for what could have been. I miss my momma, too. But, they are both living in Glory and we are left here to enjoy the life God offers us....abundantly. If love is offered again, don't let pain steal it from you or your loved ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 My mom died in January after a 12 year illness that left her mentally and physically debilitated for the last 5 yrs. Dad met a nice lady and he asked her last night to marry him. I am happy for him. Honestly. He is happier than he has been in years. Still feels a bit weird. I miss my mom. But it's ok. Really. I am glad that you are happy for him. That is the best gift you can give him. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I've been there. It's hard and it DOES feel weird. It will for a while most likely. I hope the rest of your family is as supportive. My mother's family ripped my step-dad apart for moving on. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Wow, my mom has cancer and may be dying :( My friend was just talking to me about if my dad would get remarried soon or not..... Hard :( Hope your dad's new "wife to be" is sweet and understanding.... She is really wonderful. We can all (even my dad) talk about my mom and our memories and it doesn't make her uncomfortable at all. That is what I feared most. Having to restrain myself around my dad about memories and grief. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I really understand the weird feeling. My father was physically debilitated for several years before he passed away at age 84. My mom remarried on the anniversary of his death (she's 13 years younger). :tongue_smilie: I wish every happiness for my mom, really. But it is still weird for me. I see those as separate sets of feelings. Try to show happiness for your dad; if he's like my mom, he suspects that it's hard for you. Yes, I miss my mom, and wish things had been different. I will always miss her. But I am still so happy that dad has found someone to be with and enjoy life with again. I find that these are separate feelings too. I am very happy for him. He does worry that I feel upset about it. He's mentioned that to me multiple times. I wish I could really express to him that I am OK with this, and he would really get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 I think the hardest thing will be getting to know her over the next few years and blending the families so that we all feel comfortable around her. That will just take some time I think. Anyone BTDT and has some suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 (edited) :grouphug: I so get this. My mom died last September. My dad remarried 6 months later. We are fortunate that the lady he married was very easy to get to know and my kids really love her. Unfortunately, she is leaving my dad. Which I will get into another time, another thread. So, I think depending on the person and how they are, it could be easy to get to know her and accept her as part of the family. She invited us over for a couple meals and just went out of her way when we were there to make us feel welcome. :grouphug: Edited November 16, 2011 by QuirkyKapers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 I think the hardest thing will be getting to know her over the next few years and blending the families so that we all feel comfortable around her. That will just take some time I think. Anyone BTDT and has some suggestions? It is so hard. In my mom/step-dad's case, mom had been friends with his wife (and as years went by with him as well) for 25 years. When her friend/his wife died they were living 2500 miles apart. My mom did NOT properly grieve the death of her friend. I think she filed it under 'don't think about that today'. She made a phone call to her friend's dd and we sent flowers and she didn't say much about it. Friend had been sick for almost 5 years and the death was not unexpected. Anyway, 6 months after she died, her husband began writing to my mom. Then calling. He traveled out to my mom alone and they got married. Anyway, after the wedding they traveled back to my step dad's home that he had shared with his late wife/my mom's friend. My mom said she walked in the door and totally LOST It. All of a sudden it HIT her (seriously my mom is not dumb or anything--she was just in denial) that her friend was GONE. It was so hard. They kept both houses for about 2 years and went back and forth. Finally sold out his place and moved out here to mom's place. The btdt thing she comments on is that they should have never tried to live in his late wife's home. It was too hard on them both. As for the OP's situation....that would be my step-sister. She has had a hard time and it has NOTHING to do with my mom---whom she has known and loved since she was a young teen. It is just hard. She was very very close to her mother and she just misses her terribly. Almost 11 years later (my parents have been married almost 10 years) my step sister still misses her mom, but she has been very willing to blend our families. She loves my mom and my mom loves her. I think the best advice is to just be still. Don't react to quickly to any new 'thing' that happens as a result of this marriage. Sometimes the less said the better. (((hughs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 :grouphug: I know how it feels to be happy and sad at the same time. I'm sorry you miss your mom. We had a close call with my dad this week, and I'm still having nightmares about losing him. I hope you can enjoy their marriage and find a place for her in your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 It is so hard. In my mom/step-dad's case, mom had been friends with his wife (and as years went by with him as well) for 25 years. When her friend/his wife died they were living 2500 miles apart. My mom did NOT properly grieve the death of her friend. I think she filed it under 'don't think about that today'. She made a phone call to her friend's dd and we sent flowers and she didn't say much about it. Friend had been sick for almost 5 years and the death was not unexpected. Anyway, 6 months after she died, her husband began writing to my mom. Then calling. He traveled out to my mom alone and they got married. Anyway, after the wedding they traveled back to my step dad's home that he had shared with his late wife/my mom's friend. My mom said she walked in the door and totally LOST It. All of a sudden it HIT her (seriously my mom is not dumb or anything--she was just in denial) that her friend was GONE. It was so hard. They kept both houses for about 2 years and went back and forth. Finally sold out his place and moved out here to mom's place. The btdt thing she comments on is that they should have never tried to live in his late wife's home. It was too hard on them both. As for the OP's situation....that would be my step-sister. She has had a hard time and it has NOTHING to do with my mom---whom she has known and loved since she was a young teen. It is just hard. She was very very close to her mother and she just misses her terribly. Almost 11 years later (my parents have been married almost 10 years) my step sister still misses her mom, but she has been very willing to blend our families. She loves my mom and my mom loves her. I think the best advice is to just be still. Don't react to quickly to any new 'thing' that happens as a result of this marriage. Sometimes the less said the better. (((hughs))) thank you for this. It is a bit helpful that I live several hours from my dad. Also the home that he is living in (I think the 2 of them will live there because it is my dad's farm) was built after mom got sick, so she was never really "the lady of the house" if you know what I mean. She never cooked in the kitchen or cleaned that home. She didn't even get to choose the paint colors. I think though for a bit when we go down there I won't be quite as comfortable feeling like I am in someone else's home instead of it just being my dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 :D thank you for this. It is a bit helpful that I live several hours from my dad. Also the home that he is living in (I think the 2 of them will live there because it is my dad's farm) was built after mom got sick, so she was never really "the lady of the house" if you know what I mean. She never cooked in the kitchen or cleaned that home. She didn't even get to choose the paint colors. I think though for a bit when we go down there I won't be quite as comfortable feeling like I am in someone else's home instead of it just being my dad. Yes, I do know what you mean about it having not been your mom's house really. Plus, did this new woman know your mother? I think that made it harder on my mom....she said she felt like she was using all her friend's stuff! And she was! :) So when they made the big move mom got rid of a BUNCH of stuff that was her friend's. I think some of the purging bothered my step dad, but it had to be done to consolidate homes mainly....so he kept special things, gave other special things to his dd or granddaughters....and well, life goes on. My mom had been single my entire life (since I was 7) so it was a huge adjustment for me---to share my mom with him. He is so good to her though that I am happy to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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