Tell me about your Aspie and anger/frustration/meltdowns

[Ottakee]

We just got a call today for us to consider a 10 year old boy for adoption. He is at grade level (4th grade) and was fully mainstreamed but now is in an AI program with mainstreaming classes.

 

They said he is great with animals, no aggression towards other kids/adults, no sexually acting out but does have meltdowns when overwhelmed and might have ADD/ADHD as wel.

 

He was just evaluated at a good neuropsych place and I will get that full report.

 

Just wondering what we might be in for and if we can handle it.

 

Our other 3 all have special needs---and likely way more than this guy but I know what we are dealing with which makes it easier than thinking of taking on a new guy at 10.

 

On the positive he LOVES animals (we have chickens, dog, cats, and horses) and wants to dirt bike (dh and ds are big into this) and likes sports--we live across park.

[dkpalaska]

First, let me say that you and your husband are amazing to be open to older-adoption, particularly with other special-needs kids already! What a blessing in this messed-up world!

 

Every Aspie is an individual, but I'll try to describe our ds 10 for what that might be worth.

 

Our Aspie is more aggressive than this boy sounds, but then that is only with his younger brother and sister, not with friends/adults. When he has a meltdown it can seem like it comes out of the blue; but if I can put myself in his shoes (usually after the fact, unfortunately), it is almost always triggered by a perceived injustice, misunderstanding of the rules, fear of being made to do something he doesn't want to do, new situations, loud surroundings, etc. Hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, and/or too much computer/video game time make it more likely that a meltdown will occur and make them worse when they do happen. His meltdowns consist mostly of yelling, shutting down (not hearing anything you are saying, refusing to do anything you tell him to to), sometimes hitting and, when really upset, crying.

 

Very low frustration tolerance. I think my 6 year old has a better handle on it.

 

I don't know how familiar you are with Asperger's, but Tony Attwood's "Complete Guide to AS" is a great place to begin. To me, the biggest difficulties for most Aspies is their lack of "theory of mind", the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand what that other person is thinking; and their inability to assimilate unspoken communication - facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc. These two factors are the biggest contributors to my son's poor social skills and will be his heaviest burdens to learn to overcome. He loves people, he just can't understand them!

 

He is otherwise happy, though, and seems generally well-adjusted. He can be sweet, kind, and is perhaps the most openly and uncomplainingly helpful of any of my kids. He gets along well with older kids and adults and much younger kids; peer-to-peer is way tougher.

 

It's getting late, so I'm probably not being very thorough or coherent here. Getting the neuropsych report will be really helpful as they should be able to pinpoint his specific areas of strengths and weaknesses. I really hope that everything works out!

[freerange]

Read anything you can find by Deborah Lipsky. She's autistic herself and has written several books about how to handle meltdowns and what's going on inside an autistic person's head during them.

[kiwi mum]

First, let me say that you and your husband are amazing to be open to older-adoption, particularly with other special-needs kids already! What a blessing in this messed-up world!

 

Every Aspie is an individual, but I'll try to describe our ds 10 for what that might be worth.

 

Our Aspie is more aggressive than this boy sounds, but then that is only with his younger brother and sister, not with friends/adults. When he has a meltdown it can seem like it comes out of the blue; but if I can put myself in his shoes (usually after the fact, unfortunately), it is almost always triggered by a perceived injustice, misunderstanding of the rules, fear of being made to do something he doesn't want to do, new situations, loud surroundings, etc. Hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, and/or too much computer/video game time make it more likely that a meltdown will occur and make them worse when they do happen. His meltdowns consist mostly of yelling, shutting down (not hearing anything you are saying, refusing to do anything you tell him to to), sometimes hitting and, when really upset, crying.

 

Very low frustration tolerance. I think my 6 year old has a better handle on it.

 

I don't know how familiar you are with Asperger's, but Tony Attwood's "Complete Guide to AS" is a great place to begin. To me, the biggest difficulties for most Aspies is their lack of "theory of mind", the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand what that other person is thinking; and their inability to assimilate unspoken communication - facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc. These two factors are the biggest contributors to my son's poor social skills and will be his heaviest burdens to learn to overcome. He loves people, he just can't understand them!

 

He is otherwise happy, though, and seems generally well-adjusted. He can be sweet, kind, and is perhaps the most openly and uncomplainingly helpful of any of my kids. He gets along well with older kids and adults and much younger kids; peer-to-peer is way tougher.

 

It's getting late, so I'm probably not being very thorough or coherent here. Getting the neuropsych report will be really helpful as they should be able to pinpoint his specific areas of strengths and weaknesses. I really hope that everything works out!

:iagree:

The two biggest things that have helped for us are homeschooling and focusing on relationship. School was such a stressful experience with sensory overload that he had no energy left for learning. Homeschooling allows us to control the physical environment in order to focus on the academics. It also gives us much more time to focus on relationship. When in sensory overload DS feels like the whole world is against him, so it is very important for him to know that we are on his side and there to help him. This has led to less frequent and shorter meltdowns.

[8filltheheart]

:iagree: w/the previous poster that you and your family are amazing.

 

I think you also know that it is going to be impossible to generalize behavior. Our ds was not violent at all at age ten. His outbursts were mild even though he was intensely frustrated. At 10, he was still self-unaware of the fact that he was different.

 

Since you were one of the very kind souls who tried to help me when our ds went through puberty, perhaps you remember just how violent he became. (though at that pt I was posting as momof7). He became intensely violent, though never outside of our home and more in the manner of kicking holes in doors, punching holes in walls, stabbing his pencil in chairs and walls. He only ever physically attacked me once though there were lots of times where he would shove me or get in face screaming (worse w/his father).

 

Now that he is out of puberty, he is much calmer. He is not like he was before puberty (sweet, happy, and kind), but he is not the out of control teenager either. He is more aware (well as aware as an Aspie is of external factors) that he is not normal. He wants a girlfriend. He wants to be like everyone else. He is in a hard place. If he were lower functioning, it would probably be easier on him b/c he would be less aware. If he were higher functioning, it would be less obvious to others and he would be more likely to achieve what he desires (girlfriend, job, independence, marriage, family which at this pt are far unlikely.) (does that make any sense?)

 

Of the adults that are in his current group, 3 were violent as teens (all boys). 1 boy and 2 girls were not. 1 of the males, the lowest functioning in the group, still has a tendency to act out vs. verbalizing.

 

I think the fact that he loves animals and you have a place for him to be with them is a huge bonus. Our ds hates animals. But, working outside digging holes, cutting out tree roots (basically hard physical labor) is what ulitmately puts him in the best mood. I think if he could have connected w/animals during his teen yrs, it would have been a huge blessing.

 

I think you already know that nothing can predict what will happen......especially w/sn child. May the Lord guide you in your decision and bless you greatly for your willingness to love these kids.

[Ottakee]

We are not a super family at all and need lots of prayer to see if we should head in this direction or not. Part of me is a bit nervous about going ahead. Some of it might be due to the fact that life is getting almost "too easy" if there can be such a thing with 3 special needs kids. I can leave them home alone for short periods of time--like an hour or so during the day. The medical emergencies are greatly lessening and they can just do more for themselves.

 

We will read more about him and talk to lots of people about his needs. One of mine has bipolar so the rages/fits/mood swings/meltdowns are nothing new but this would be with a new kid and therefore likely different.

 

Dh is very active outside and works on cars, we have lots of horse chores, 5 acres to run, a township park across the road, school 2 door down, etc. We also have an extra bedroom so that he could have his own space to calm down and regroup. Our son and any foster/adopt boy would be downstairs while my girls would be upstairs and dh and I in our room on the main floor.

[melmichigan]

I agree wholeheartedly with what 8 said. My DD just turned 12, and we were just beginning to see behavior problems at 9/10. Things have changed a lot in 2 years. She has been seeing a neuropsychologist for almost a year and we are now trying medication to help with impulse control and anger issues. The last year has been a big struggle. I hold fast to the belief that this will change, we will get past this point, but it can be difficult.

 

I wouldn't want to discourage you but do think you should be aware of what difficulties may lie ahead. No one told us that we might be dealing with this, the focus was always on her academic abilities and social skills challenges, no one ever discussed the impulse control problems and how a child with AS can react. Having all that space and things to occupy an adolescent boy sound like they would be very helpful.

[Ottakee]

Puberty does scare me a bit. Just so many changes that can be good or bad for these kids.

 

If we decide to pursue this after we read his file, etc. it will be very slowly and with eyes WIDE open. After having over 100 foster kids, we are pretty good at picking up on things.

 

Lots of prayer going into this as well as it is a huge decision to make.

[melmichigan]

Puberty does scare me a bit. Just so many changes that can be good or bad for these kids.

 

My DD also sees a pediatric psychiatrist for her meds. It took a year of therapy before we agreed to try meds as her behavior became more unpredictable. I was told that from a medication standpoint things level out after they go through puberty, if they are on meds they can then take extended release doses versus the immediate release that they are held to before then because of increased metabolism. I don't know if the child you are considering is on any meds but if he is this might be something else to discuss.

[Ottakee]

I know he is on meds but don't know which ones, dosages, which ones he has tried, etc. That should all be in the reports I will be getting.

 

I am not for just medication just because but we do have a top notch ped/adol. pdoc and she knows her stuff. I am very open to meds that are needed for these kids and I know that often they are. We recently got our 16dd more stable on her meds and life is so much better all around.

[persinem]

Just to emphasize that you can't tell from someone else's experience, and each child will be unique: of the three aspergers boys in my extended family, all three became much much better able to control their impulses about the time of puberty. They grew up. It got better.

 

In my experience, the biggest difference between parenting an aspie child and a typical child is that an aspie child comes to you speaking a foreign language, in a way. You'll constantly need to check in with him to see what he means when he says or does something. You can't interpret an aspie's words or actions the same way as you would a typical child, and you'll have to be careful he understands you, too, rather than just assuming he does because its "something everyone knows without being told." It's never that way for an aspie!

 

An aspie may throw a deck chair in the local pool, for example, and to you and the lifeguard and everyone else it will look like this scary or crazy act of defiance, when really he just wants to see if it will float or not. Suddenly everyone is yelling at him. Why? He won't get it and it will be scary--it's scary when people start yelling and you don't know why. Or a teacher will ask him to not sit on his desk and he'll get up and sit on the next student's desk, not to be a wise guy but because he really didn't think the teacher meant all desks vs. one specific desk...and this, too, will look like defiance and will lead to the teacher raising his voice, confusing a boy who really doesn't know what he did wrong, and possibly causing the fight-or-flight response known as "meltdown" or "blowout." These highly sensitive children can often sense the slightest tension or stress in a voice and it can raise their anxiety quickly because they are so often on edge about what is going to happen next/what new person is going to get mad at them for some unknown reason.

 

If you go ahead, it will be your job to interpret the world for this child until he can do it himself, and it will also be your job to interpret his behavior to others, so that they can understand him in return, instead of leaping to false conclusions about his intentions. Blowouts can come when the child feels backed into a corner and can no longer express himself in any other way. A blowout may look like anger or defiance, but it's really an expression of fear, confusion, and/or shame at losing control.

 

Of course he'll need to stop doing things that scare people or make them mad. I'm not talking about making excuses or shielding from consequences. It's only that I would say the difference between raising a typical child and an aspie child has to do with this extra role you play, acting as translator between your child and the world until he can do it himself. The upside of this extra work is that you get to see the world in a completely new way, his way, and this can be a wonderful thing.

Edited November 15, 2011 by persinem

[8filltheheart]

Just to emphasize that you can't tell from someone else's experience, and each child will be unique: of the three aspergers boys in my extended family, all three became much much better able to control their impulses about the time of puberty. They grew up. It got better.

 

In my experience, the biggest difference between parenting an aspie child and a typical child is that an aspie child comes to you speaking a foreign language, in a way. You'll constantly need to check in with him to see what he means when he says or does something. You can't interpret an aspie's words or actions the same way as you would a typical child, and you'll have to be careful he understands you, too, rather than just assuming he does because its "something everyone knows without being told." It's never that way for an aspie!

 

An aspie may throw a deck chair in the local pool, for example, and to you and the lifeguard and everyone else it will look like this scary or crazy act of defiance, when really he just wants to see if it will float or not. Suddenly everyone is yelling at him. Why? He won't get it and it will be scary--it's scary when people start yelling and you don't know why. Or a teacher will ask him to not sit on his desk and he'll get up and sit on the next student's desk, not to be a wise guy but because he really didn't think the teacher meant all desks vs. one specific desk...and this, too, will look like defiance and will lead to the teacher raising his voice, confusing a boy who really doesn't know what he did wrong, and possibly causing the fight-or-flight response known as "meltdown" or "blowout." These highly sensitive children can often sense the slightest tension or stress in a voice and it can raise their anxiety quickly because they are so often on edge about what is going to happen next/what new person is going to get mad at them for some unknown reason.

 

If you go ahead, it will be your job to interpret the world for this child until he can do it himself, and it will also be your job to interpret his behavior to others, so that they can understand him in return, instead of leaping to false conclusions about his intentions. Blowouts can come when the child feels backed into a corner and can no longer express himself in any other way. A blowout may look like anger or defiance, but it's really an expression of fear, confusion, and/or shame at losing control.

 

Of course he'll need to stop doing things that scare people or make them mad. I'm not talking about making excuses or shielding from consequences. It's only that I would say the difference between raising a typical child and an aspie child has to do with this extra role you play, acting as translator between your child and the world until he can do it himself. The upside of this extra work is that you get to see the world in a completely new way, his way, and this can be a wonderful thing.

 

I think your description for understanding their perspective and for communicating is excellent. However, many of these children have comorbid conditions which complicate their behavioral issues and have more to do w/their behaviors than others simply misunderstanding thought processes.

 

For example, our ds's violent behaviors had absolutely nothing to do w/being misunderstood and everything to do w/overwhelming OCD issues. For example, he would draw the same picture over and over and over (literally) for 20+ hrs. We could not see any difference in the 100s of pictures that he would ball up day after day, but he could and he would insist he was always on the brink of perfection and refuse to stop. He literally would not want to stop to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom. When we would interfere w/his drawing, he would stab his pencil in the wall, his chair, or sometimes punch a hole in the wall.

 

He would also show similar behaviors due to his rigidity. For example, he was taking a dance class. The teacher changed the day and time for the next session. It conflicted w/other family obligations and no matter how we explained it, he refused to accept that he could not take the new session. An accurate analogy is a kimono dragon in a death grip. He would not stop asking over and over and over and over to be allowed to take the class. He spent an entire night outside our bedroom door banging and kicking it asking the question over and over. He kicked a hole through the door. I think he was 13 or 14 at the time.

 

So while, yes, communication issues are real, it is not necessarily accurate to assume that that is the only issue. There are many comorbid psy problems that are very common amg Aspies. Every Aspie is going to be different and the presentation of the syndrome will appear different. There is no single "biggest parenting difference" between Aspies and other children. It is a huge difference between every single Aspie.

[Misty]

Every Aspie is going to be different and the presentation of the syndrome will appear different. There is no single "biggest parenting difference" between Aspies and other children. It is a huge difference between every single Aspie.

 

This is very true.. Even with my three in the same family with the same parents and the same upbringing.. They are completely different from one another.

 

My oldest is your typical "quirky" Aspie..Obsessive reader, walking encyclopedia, low nonverbal scores, etc.. She gets easily frustrated and is very irritable, but she is not especially violent or aggressive, though she definitely is not completely innocent of these things.

 

My 2nd daughter will have the daily "spat" with another sibling that includes some aggression.. But still not considered an aggressive child.

 

My 3rd daughter.. Extremely aggressive.. She will attack, punch, scream, break things, kick, and not hesitate to hurt (badly) a sibling who, in her eyes, "wronged her" in some way.. several times a day even. She does pretty good when her diet is clean of all her allergens/sensitivities.. But here lately, she's been going through a bout of aggression and OCD both so something is triggering these behaviors.. But yes, she can be very, very aggressive. If we had not discovered her allergens and removed them, I think she would have been in inpatient care at least once by the age of 10 for sure. Her behavior gets that bad. And her OCD gets just as bad.. Very severe OCD. Unbearable!!!

 

So yes, all very different.. No two Aspies the same.

[persinem]

I think your description for understanding their perspective and for communicating is excellent. However, many of these children have comorbid conditions which complicate their behavioral issues and have more to do w/their behaviors than others simply misunderstanding thought processes.

 

Thanks for the clarification. I'm not sure but I think we are just slicing the pie in a different way. I believe the underlying cause of the many or most comorbid conditions is the autism itself--that anxiety disorders and ocd behaviors and violence aren't in fact just appearing together with autism for some unknown reason, but are in fact unproductive coping strategies that the child has adopted, to help him or her cope with an incomprehensible world.

 

I don't want to talk anyone into this point of view, just to express that it has helped me with blowouts. I cope better myself when I think that these episodes are useful to the child on some level, and diagnostic for the adults in his/her life. It becomes the job of the adults in the child's life to communicate more socially acceptable strategies for coping, which can be a long hard conversation over the years with much forward-and-back progress.

Edited November 15, 2011 by persinem

[MamaSheep]

I haven't read this book yet, but it was recently highly recommended to our autism parents' group by a professional whose opinion I respect. You might find it useful. http://www.amazon.com/More-Meltdowns-Strategies-Out---Control/dp/1932565620/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321379498&sr=1-1

[persinem]

I'd like to also recommend a book, "Aspergers Syndrome and Difficult Moments," by Brenda Smith Myles. It helped me, and it also became the book I hand to other adults in my aspie's life. Clear, short, practical.

[8filltheheart]

Thanks for the clarification. I'm not sure but I think we are just slicing the pie in a different way. I believe the underlying cause of the many or most comorbid conditions is the autism itself--that anxiety disorders and ocd behaviors and violence aren't in fact just appearing together with autism for some reason, but are in fact unproductive coping strategies that the child has adopted, to help him or her cope with an incomprehensible world.

 

I don't want to talk anyone into this point of view, just to express that it has helped me cope with blowouts. I cope better when I think that these episodes aren't crazy and out of the blue, or disconnected from the child's autism, but are instead useful to the child on some level, and diagnostic for the adults in his/her life. It becomes the job of the adults in the child's life to communicate more socially acceptable strategies for coping, which can be a long hard conversation over the years with much forward-and-back progress.

 

Your posts confuse me. Who are you in relation to the children in question? In your OP you referred to "of the three aspergers boys in my extended family, all three became much much better able to control their impulses about the time of puberty. They grew up. It got better." Am I incorrect in assuming that you are not the parent?

 

Why do I ask? B/c w/our Aspie it makes a huge difference as to whom is in the role of interfering w/his objectives. Other adults, particularly "expert" opinions are received far more objectively and unemotionally than anything we say as his parents. For example, he was taking English 112 and the teacher kept asking for 350 word essays. His anxiety level was through the roof b/c of the word count. Regardless of our explaining that the word count was figurative and literal, he refused to accept our opinion. We tried to get him to speak to the professor, but he didn't need to b/c he knew what she wanted and we were wrong. This went on for 3 weeks until we finally got his on-campus advocate to force him to go see the teacher w/her so he could ask for himself.

 

Basically, I think you are oversimplifying the realities of many of the issues.

 

FWIW, in some respects part of our ds's outbursts are related to the way he feels threatened/rejected/anxious about the world, but nothing you or I or anyone else says will change how he responds to some of those realities. For example, many of OCD behaviors do stem from when he perceives he is rejected. But, the rejection is from girls he finds beautiful and he attempts to flirt with. He desperately wants a girlfriend. Other people are going to respond to him the way they are going to respond to him. (he is an adult, not a child. There is no way to "shield him" or "interpret him" for other people. And beautiful young ladies that he refuses to accept are "out of his league" will and do mock and reject him.) He can be "taught" social skills. He can be taught "seeking companions w/similarities," etc. But, he refuses to accept reality and repeatedly places himself in positions of rejection. The rejection fuels his anxiety and his OCD and it is a perpetuating cycle.

 

If you have a "magic wand" that breaks the barrier of "unproductive coping strategies that the child has adopted, to help him or her cope with an incomprehensible world" and enlightens them to accept the reality of what they face daily, then you need to write books and open clinics. B/c "knowing" the cause makes little difference in my ds's real life b/c he refuses to "help" himself.

[persinem]

Sorry to have upset people. I'm relatively new here and just trying to share my experience. Sorry to have given the impression I have all the answers. I'm just sharing my opinion, and that's all.

 

I'm raising two autistic children, homeschooling both. One has odd behaviors to the point where the police have been called about eight times in his young life (he is 11), twice when he was at school, which is one reason we are now homeschooling. The other child has severe OCD. Once they were diagnosed as children it was clear that our extended family has a genetic predisposition for autism in both sides of the family, because three others, older now, have struggled with the same challenges and have since been diagnosed. They are all verbal and all worked at grade level in school but I would call their autism severe nonetheless because they simply don't understand other people at all.

 

I didn't talk about my children in the first post because I was answering the question about the effect of puberty. I also have ongoing feelings, as I'm sure many of us do, about how much to disclose about my children and how much to keep private, even if it is an anonymous post. I'm sorry this reticence confused anyone.

 

I don't mean to be telling anyone else how to think or how to help their own children. It has helped us, meaning my own family and my extended family, to think of comorbid behaviors as coping strategies, so I shared that outlook. I've organized academic and social classes at my home for the last several years primarily for children on the spectrum, and I do think there is something similar about their core struggle, which is that they don't understand things that come easily to the rest of us. I believe their outer behaviors are the outcome of this core problem. I don't think this is a highly original conclusion though.

 

Again this is just our experience, but it has worked for us to try at all times to think of strange, unwanted, or violent behaviors as coping strategies, an outlook that often leads us to different responses than what is typically recommended by a therapy often recommended by experts these days (applied behavioral therapy). ABA assumes that children understand their own behavior in relation to others to the point that they will also understand rewards and consequences. But if the children have no idea what they have done wrong or right to begin with, then giving rewards and consequences for behavior is, in my view, really confusing to the child. This shift in our thinking at home has drastically reduced the behaviors, to the point where our home life is peaceful. I wanted to share this experience with the original poster.

 

But this is leading off topic--my only wish was to provide my personal experience FWIW to a person trying to understand what it's like to raise an autistic child. I am really really sorry for any discomfort I've caused in other parents here.

Edited November 15, 2011 by persinem

[dkpalaska]

I think the discussion highlights very well how every autistic child is highly individual, and that this influences our overall philosophy of how to help autistic children in general. I really appreciated everyone's input and viewpoint as I read through this thread.

 

persinem, I liked very much the concept of viewing comorbid conditions as potentially being linked to a spectrum individual's attempts to cope with a confusing world. I don't know that I'm ready to accept that is the only way comorbid conditions originate (and that may not have been your intent anyway!): the human brain is so complex, and our understanding of autism still so basic, that it seems likely there would be neurological basis for comorbid conditions. Or perhaps a genetic tendency that is exacerbated by the coping needs of an autistic individual. But beyond my (rather elementary) theorizing, I can really appreciate that you've seen results in many different individuals when you've adopted this concept. I especially like that keeping this view in mind has altered your response for the better in stressful situations, and that alone makes it worthwhile to me!

 

Ottakee, you said you are not a "super family". I know, none of us is perfect, or perfectly self-sacrificing. But I still think you are pretty special for even being open to adopting another SN kid, even if you end up deciding that you are not the right family for this particular child. For every kid that needs a home, he/she first just needs lots of people who are open to bringing him/her in, so that the right home can eventually be found. Just my view, brought home from adoption classes my husband and I took this year. I hope that you get all the information you need to make a good decision for him and for your family!

[Ottakee]

Just an update. We read his adoption report/psych. eval, etc. and have decided not to go forward with this. He has a lot of verbal and physically aggression and he is just a tiny bit smaller than our girls right now and even though they are 5 years old than him we just can't take the risks.

 

We are looking more for the mentally impaired/slow learners than those with significant behavioral challenges.

[8filltheheart]

Sorry to have upset people. I'm relatively new here and just trying to share my experience. Sorry to have given the impression I have all the answers. I'm just sharing my opinion, and that's all.

.

 

I apologize for my response being so snippy yesterday. I have spent quite a bit of time posting about our ds the past few days and when I say that I do not like to think about his teenage yrs and try to block them out, I am not kidding. Posting about them really hurts b/c he has down significant damage to our family. Our younger children were traumatized by him and we have had to deal w/the repercussions of their living in a hostile environment.

 

Our experience is completely contrary to what you describe. Our ds was never violent as a young child. Never. He was incredibly hyper and very, very busy, but happy, loving, sweet, tender. He would get frustrated, but he never attacked or screamed or threw things or hit objects.

 

His behaviors as a teenager blind-sided us. The implication that it is all in communication and how to relate to them is simply not realistic. Raging hormones and lack of self-control complicated by normal teenage desires/responses are far more involved than simple communication. (this happens w/completely normal teenagers, so it is amplified in SN teens.)

 

I think what you have managed to accomplish w/your children is absolutely wonderful. But, I do not believe that it translates across the board to represent all situations.

 

Now as an adult and w/o raging hormones, he is much, much calmer. However, he is struggling so severely w/understanding that he is not "normal" that it is painful to watch. If he were lower or higher functioning, it would be better for him b/c he is high enough functioning to know what he is missing, but low enough functioning that what he is missing will be difficult to ever attain.

 

I think the discussion highlights very well how every autistic child is highly individual, and that this influences our overall philosophy of how to help autistic children in general. I really appreciated everyone's input and viewpoint as I read through this thread.

 

persinem, I liked very much the concept of viewing comorbid conditions as potentially being linked to a spectrum individual's attempts to cope with a confusing world. I don't know that I'm ready to accept that is the only way comorbid conditions originate (and that may not have been your intent anyway!): the human brain is so complex, and our understanding of autism still so basic, that it seems likely there would be neurological basis for comorbid conditions. Or perhaps a genetic tendency that is exacerbated by the coping needs of an autistic individual. But beyond my (rather elementary) theorizing, I can really appreciate that you've seen results in many different individuals when you've adopted this concept. I especially like that keeping this view in mind has altered your response for the better in stressful situations, and that alone makes it worthwhile to me!

 

Ottakee, you said you are not a "super family". I know, none of us is perfect, or perfectly self-sacrificing. But I still think you are pretty special for even being open to adopting another SN kid, even if you end up deciding that you are not the right family for this particular child. For every kid that needs a home, he/she first just needs lots of people who are open to bringing him/her in, so that the right home can eventually be found. Just my view, brought home from adoption classes my husband and I took this year. I hope that you get all the information you need to make a good decision for him and for your family!

 

:iagree: especially w/the bolded.

 

Just an update. We read his adoption report/psych. eval, etc. and have decided not to go forward with this. He has a lot of verbal and physically aggression and he is just a tiny bit smaller than our girls right now and even though they are 5 years old than him we just can't take the risks.

 

We are looking more for the mentally impaired/slow learners than those with significant behavioral challenges.

 

I still think you are pretty amazing for even considering the adoption. I will pray that the child that really needs you and your special family will be lead to your path.

[Tiramisu]

Just an update. We read his adoption report/psych. eval, etc. and have decided not to go forward with this. He has a lot of verbal and physically aggression and he is just a tiny bit smaller than our girls right now and even though they are 5 years old than him we just can't take the risks.

 

We are looking more for the mentally impaired/slow learners than those with significant behavioral challenges.

 

It must have been hard for you to read that report and realize that this boy isn't the best fit for your family. Hopefully, he will find another family that is more suitable. May your family will be blessed for opening your hearts to the possibility. :grouphug: