Ottakee Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 A friend and I were just discussing this and wondered how many people had pre-marital counseling and if they did, if it really was helpful or not. Dh and I had 2 or 3 sessions with an older pastor but really didn't cover much of any importance. Same thing with my friend. Her husband is a pastor (working full time as a firefighter now, retired missionary) and is going to be marrying a niece next spring and they will be doing a lot more counseling before hand. What is your experience? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We did, from both the Catholic and Episcopal churches. It was very helpful for us, but mainly because we were older, had known each other a very long time, and really committed to getting everything we could out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dhudson Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We had to take an 11 week class and then have 4 sessions with a counselor to be able to get married in our church. It was by far the best thing we ever did for our marriage. While our friends who didn't take the class struggled during their first year or two of marriage we had worked out most of the major issues. Now, we had a horrible time during our engagement because we were working out those issues but I am glad we did it before we were married. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yes, we did. It was a requirement by our church. I do think it was helpful- the pastor doing it had done a lot of marriages over the years and had a great list of issues to talk through, some of which we'd never thought to talk about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elise1mds Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We had to take it, too, before my pastor would marry us. In our case, I'm not sure whether the requirement was specific to the church or to our situation since DH and I had known each other for only a couple of months. Either way, we went. I can't say it told us much about one another since we were still in the 'getting to know you' phase anyway, but I suppose didn't hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 No, we did not. My dh is absolutely opposed to the idea. We've been married for 13 years and so far have been able to work out any disagreements. In fact, we seem to have a much happier, healthier marriage then most people we know who did have pre- marriage counseling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yes- we did and it was helpful. Just having someone else ask questions and making us think things through in a different way was helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 The kind we had (it was required at the church) had some practical advice - budgeting, etc. But they also based a ton of the counselling on a personality test they gave both of us - it was so off base that I think I insulted the counselor (the pastor's wife) a little because I laughed so hard over it. :D I would advise engaged/pre-engaged couple to have some counselling with our current pastor, because he understands and can teach how the Gospel applies to basic life situations and relationships and avoids the silly "pop-Christian" psychology that permeates many of those programs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We had a few (required) sessions with the pastor who married us. Neither of us knew him beforehand. It was not helpful for us. I don't even remember what we discussed. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We had a few required sessions with my DH's pastor. We took a very lengthy test, and then spent two more meetings going over the results, talking about where we may find conflict, how we might deal with it, etc. It was good, I liked it - but that was possibly because I really like his pastor at the time. I have met pastors I would not have found as helpful..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Crap. Read the thread wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ByGrace3 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We did. 6 Sessions, had to read 5 books, it was intense and super helpful. We were in seminary and one of our professors did it. My dh is a counselor and he does a lot of premarital counseling, hopefully his is as helpful as our's was! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We did the Catholic Pre-Canaa thing. It was totally useless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athena1277 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We didn't have any premarial counseling. We considered it, but dh's dad was a minister at the time and we had asked him to do the ceremony. There was no way we were going to discuss our personal business with him. Kinda hard to "leave and cleave" when the ones you are leaving know too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 For my 1st marriage, no. Yes for my second. I think it was helpful (it was well done) but we've only been married 5 years so I can't say long term. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We did. At least 12 sessions of pre-marital counselling was required by our pastor before he would marry any couple. He was our pastor and we both very much respect him. We really enjoyed the sessions. We were very young (18 & 20) and thought we knew it all, but it did give us a good chance to discuss things. There was some advice that our pastor gave me which has haunted me through these 9 (nearly) years! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yes. Catholic (required). Quite, quite useless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Lee Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yes. We had a couple of sessions with someone here and then one session with the minister who performed the ceremony in my home town. I got divorced after 25 years of marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Nope. As a matter of fact, I was told in order to get married in the church I grew up in, we would have to have counseling. We went elsewhere. Most of it is crap, based on personality tests, which don't prove anything. The rest of it is none of the pastor's, or anybody else's, business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krista in LA Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yes. Catholic (required). Quite, quite useless. :iagree: About all I remember from ours is when our sponsor couple told us the story of how they decided to go ahead and get a vasectomy. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Running the race Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We did a required class at the church. I think it was at least six weeks. We also met with the pastor a few times. I found it very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We have pre-marital counseling with our pastor and at a local pre-marriage retreat. It did make us think about things we had not considered like who would handle the finances and such, but mostly it solidified that we were on the right track. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I was required to be married in the church. It was just a silly waste of time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We did not. I wish we would have had an opportunity to have a good class. After four years we split up for about 6 months, and when we decided we would get back together, my BIL's church was having a premarital/anyone else who wants to come class that was 6 weeks. We took away a LOT from that. Not individual counseling (although that was offered) or group sharing, just a dvd and the preacher hittting some points home, but we learned a lot from the general class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yes, 6 months was required by the Pastor we selected to marry us. We met twice a month and he had us work through the Before I Say I Do study together. Yes, it was a true foundation for our marriage. We talked about how we would handle our first married fight, no matter the topic. Basically we agreed to 1. Get help if we couldn't figure it out. 2. Divorce would never be an option. And that we would agree never to use this as a verbal threat. 3. Be miserable if we did do #1 or #2. There have been a number of things I wanted to get help together through the last 18 years that he's refused. Yup, it's miserable. But even in that we can smile at each other and muddle through. And the confidence we have in our relationship because we've agreed no divorce years ago has been priceless. Additionally the pastor marrying us required that he call our folks to ask them how they felt about our relationship and proposed marriage. Statistically he said that if one or more of the parent's were not in harmony with the couple the marriage fail rate was higher. I'm not sure what he would have done if there'd been disapproval. It was nice to know going into marriage that we had the approval of both our sets of parents. It made it possible to focus on the fun of marriage and to enjoy it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6packofun Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Not counseling, but we went through a study together (Before You Say I Do...") and found it helpful. Mainly, it cemented the fact that we are very like-minded on nearly all of the important stuff and that has continued to be true...it's the small stuff that tends to trip us up once in a while. LOL :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Dh and I were required to have pre-marital counseling. It was so long ago, but I think it lasted about six weeks. There was a four month waiting period before we could be married. I'm not sure if it was helpful or not. I've no doubt we would still be married today even if we hadn't received any counseling. I don't remember anything that stood out during the counseling. Dh and I weren't real young, had very similar backgrounds, attended the same church and were/are very committed to the church's teachings on marriage. I think my married dd might have benefited from some counseling before her marriage - from someone other than mom and dad. She was very young, they come from different backgrounds, and it's been a rough road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faline Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yep, we had to meet a few times w/our pastor & his wife and it was such a joke. Among other things, they told us that s*x will last about 6 months then fizzle out. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainySunday Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We did a couple (maybe3-4 sessions) with our pastor, who knew us both very well and is the one who we asked to marry us. He was the youth pastor and we were very active (as leaders) in the youth ministry at our church. If I remember correctly, the "required counseling" was usually longer, but we only had a month, so he sped it up for us (engaged in March, picked date end of July, married in Aug). We went through the "Before I Say I Do" book. Additionally the pastor marrying us required that he call our folks to ask them how they felt about our relationship and proposed marriage. Statistically he said that if one or more of the parent's were not in harmony with the couple the marriage fail rate was higher. I'm not sure what he would have done if there'd been disapproval. It was nice to know going into marriage that we had the approval of both our sets of parents. Yikes, I am glad our pastor didn't feel this way. DH's dad (and stepmom, who is now ex stepmom) threatened to disown him if we went through with it. As it was, he stopped paying for DH's schooling and they didn't come to the wedding. She even called our pastor and told him he'd better not marry us. That was a fun phone conversation... "So, I just talked to your stepmom...what's going on?" We are all fine with them now, and he is a great grandfather to our kiddos, but it was brutal for a time there. I think going through that during our engagement was actually very strengthening for our marriage, we both knew for sure who we were most loyal to (each other, not our parents) and that we could get through anything. We also made it through the stillbirth f our first dd, less than a year married. We've been married 5 years now (which isn't long compared to many of you all), but still love each other dearly. I don't know that our pre-marital counseling helped much, but it certainly didn't hurt, and we did so much talking and reading together, we really knew who we were marrying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LBS Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We had to have one meeting with the minister of my church, it was required. He was very nice, and funny. One thing stuck with me, though: he said that of all the troubles you face in a marriage, family issues, money issues, sex issues, raising family issues, etc., the hardest is the money one. He said to try to keep money discussions open, from the beginning, that the other stuff would still be hard, but this one the most _______ (damaging, irreconcilable, or something, can't remember. Meant the hardest to work out, I believe.) He was not wisdom incarnate or anything, but this impressed me a lot, and I have remembered it, as has my husband. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yes, about 6 sessions with our pastor, who is also a good friend. It was certainly helpful. We worked through some typically divisive issues and examined our expectations. We are going to get out the books we worked through (which were part of the counselling) on our tenth anniversary and see how our IRL actions and attitudes match up with our pre-marraige predictions. Our church requires this. 5 or 6 sessions, spread over a few weeks or even months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 No pre-marital counseling. Will be ten happy years in December. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 No. Ours was a complete waste of time. I was from a protestant background and my husband from a Catholic background, and took marriage counseling from both a Lutheran minister and a Catholic priest. BUT... I think it WOULD have been helpful had they covered other issues: for example, more practical issues such as money, financial priorities, goals for children, etc. (They mostly dealt with how to have a happy marriage when from differing faith backgrounds.) Of course our ideas have evolved so much since those days, but still, it CAN get you thinking about subjects that otherwise might be ignored early on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 No, and we've been very happily married for 16 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Nothing against counseling in general, but nothing in the six hours of sessions was really helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We are Catholic so we had to do Pre-Canaa. I had heard that the quality of the program was dependent on who was running it as well as the effort you put in. So, we did Engaged Encounter instead. Although dh grumbled about it, we both feel it was the best thing we did to prepare for marriage. We are both conflict avoiders. During the weekend retreat, we couldn't avoid each other and were forced to discuss things we had been sweeping under the rug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Mommy Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 My husband and I went to pre-marital counseling and continued with it AFTER we were married :001_smile: I love it! (he does to but he might not be so enthusiastic in public) I had him pick out the counseler from a list I had and he picked out anouther couple which was an amaizing decision. It has been nice having a male and female that are married (and know what they are doing) to relate to. It also helps him feel like there aren't any sides taken.... And it's very satisfying to yell out in the middle of an argument "I'm so telling ________ that you did/said that when we meet on Thursday!" (I never remember but it makes me feel better) :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 We didn't have it but both of us have "taught" it. I think it's invaluable. I used to teach a pre-marital class with a friend who also has an M.F.T. and we started the class with a genogram- fantastic resource for potential partners to see areas of strenghts and weaknesses. In each class we also seemed to uncover current addictions and even "infidelity." This changed some of the potential couples plans. Of course you can be happily married w/o it (26 yrs here) but if you have the capability to make the transition to marriage easier, why not take it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 No. We will be married 12 years in March, and have a happy, healthy marriage after working through some major, deal breaker, marital problems a couple of years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Yes and it helped counsel me right out of the wedding I was planning. Thank goodness! :D I also had it with my dh before we were married. I wasn't super impressed that time but I am still glad we went. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Lee Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I just want to add that IMO it's horrible that most Christian pre-marriage "counseling" consists of telling people that divorce is not an option. I spent extra years in my marriage dealing with extreme emotional abuse because it wasn't an option. Some of my children are extremely angry at God and the church because I thought divorce was not acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 we were Catholic at the time and I do remember 2 or 3 sessions with the priest. I don't think it was helpful at all. We've been married 22.5 years now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nukeswife Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 No, dh and I met online and were only in the same state for 10 days prior to the wedding, which was 4 months after we met online in a chat room. We've been married 14.5 years and have never had any problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Nope. It'll be 14 yrs in February, and we're just ducky here :D I will say, though, that both sets of our parents have long, successful marriages (almost 36 for mine, 41 for his) and my own parents often had discussions with me about what to look for in a spouse, and other related type things. Pretty sure his probably did the same. So while there wasn't formal 'counseling' there was definitely guidance given :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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