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I need a little help here. I have two daughters still at home that we homeschool ages 8 and 11. My dd11 is from my first marriage and her dad is not a Christian. We have tried very hard to bring our children up under the beliefs and morals that my dh and I live by. Going to her dad's exposes her to a totally different life style and causes her alot of conflict. I am looking for a bible study that I can do with the girls that will help strengthen them on how to fight the worldly things. I don't want them to say "I can't wear short skirts because my mom says so". I want them to know how God feels about issue like this. How to chose good friends, what to watch on TV and what not to, things like this. I have looked and looked and can not find what I am looking for. I am open to any suggestions at this point. Thanks!

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I'm not sure if this is exactly what you want, but Queen Homeschool has a series called "The Little Ladies" that deals with issues of living a pure life for girls. www.queenhomeschool.com

 

 

I looked at the studies on Queen. They look good but I guess I am looking for something more that we can read together, maybe give a real world story that is used as an example and then gives scripture to look up and discuss that reinforces what the lesson has taught. Does that make sense? Thanks for the suggestion.

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Have you heard of the book, For Instruction in Righteousness?

 

It's been a great tool for us.

 

Can you take some time and write your own Bible study to use with your children? Biblegateway.com has several search tools that make it easy to do that!

 

I agree that this would be the best way to go. I have an inner caution, though, about a Bible study that is focused on external morality--do this or don't do that because God does/doesn't like it. I think that will leave your children very vulnerable, especially your child who is in different environments. In other words, I would make sure that in your dedication to seeing that she is taught well, that it is not done in a way that she could interpret as "Following God is keeping a set of observable rules." I would teach what you intend to teach, but not as a unit, and not all at once. Teach the gospel every day of the week . I don't mean "how to get saved" but the story of God making us in his image and what that means, of our sin, which tears at our relationship with God, at Christ's sacrifice to make us whole and bring us to him again, of our need for forgiveness and to forgive-- in other words, every day, you relate what you're reading in the Bible back to that. I hope I've articulated this understandably.

 

Your 11 and 8 year old are on different levels in what they can comprehend. One thing I would suggest is to have them do separate studies. You might read through some of the epistles with your 11 year old. Teach her how to do Bible study on her own (in a very basic way.) The moral teaching would be in there, but will always in the greater context of God's relationship with us because that is how each epistle is structured.

 

Another idea would be to do a study on the lives of various women in the Bible. What lessons are there to learn from the lives of each?

 

Something that we frequently do as a family is to read a chapter of Proverbs a day. Since there are 31 chapters, this works out nicely in a month. Proverbs is full of wisdom and you will cover what you want, but it won't come across as "aimed" at her choices at her dad's house.

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Im a big believer in catachisms. I am not reformed so modified these a bit(infant baptism, the elect) but CLP puts out a series called Studying God's word. It starts with simple catachisms (Who is God?) and the gradually gets more in depth.

 

I believe that my convictions come from the foundation of my faith not the external convictions my parents tried to force apon me. My parents brought me up in a very strict dress code and after I moved out I decided that I didnt agree, then I decided that I did, and then I decided that I didnt, and then I decided that I did to a point. My point is that the more I studied scripture the more the Holy Spirit guided my choices in my external values. Now for the most part I have gone back to those convictions, but that was because my parents, even with the strict dress code, made it their first mission to actually point me down the road to Christ. I lived their convictions simply because i lived under their roof.

 

First and foremost our desire should be to lead them to Christ. That will not be done with external "holyness" but with scriptural guidance. Anyways, my point is CATECHISE!! LOL

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Elizabeth George's A Young Woman's Guide to Making Right Choices or any of her others (A Young Woman After God's Own Heart, etc.)!

 

http://www.christianbook.com/young-womans-guide-making-right-choices/elizabeth-george/9780736921077/pd/921077

 

(It does have some topics that might be better for waiting, but that depends on what they're being exposed to while at dad's house! It's not explicit, though, IMO.)

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I appreciate everyone's thought and you have given me alot to consider. I don't want it to come across as if I think her dad is all wrong. We pray for him every day and I wish him nothing but the best. We are on good terms so there is no bad blood there. Dd11 has spoken with me about some of her struggles. Her dad wants her to wax her eyebrows tells her she would be prettier if she did. He buys her clothes that she is uncomfortable wearing and gets upset if she doesn't want to wear them. He cusses alot and that makes her very uncomfortable. I just want to help her fell secure in the decisions she has made about her life.

 

I agree that I don't want her to live under my convictions but her own through her relationship with God. I have watched my oldest dd go out into the world and go against everything we tried to teach her. I know that the choices she made when she was here was because she HAD to and not because she felt led to by God. This is what I want to help dd11 with.

 

I know some people who aren't Christian, or maybe aren't as conservative as I might be, think that we are constantly attacking their choices in life but I feel the same way. I know that we constantly have to defend our beliefs and I want to equip her with the knowledge to do this. I hope this makes sense and doesn't come across wrong. Like I said you ladies have given me alot to think about.

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Her dad wants her to wax her eyebrows tells her she would be prettier if she did. He buys her clothes that she is uncomfortable wearing and gets upset if she doesn't want to wear them. .

 

These two things would concern me. I think they are both essentially about who is in control of her body. She is. It concerns me that he's exerting pressure to have her cave to his choices about her body.

 

You know her father and I don't, but just based on these two things, I would have at least some yellow flags raised in my mind about how appropriate his boundaries are between them. A father pressuring an 11 year old to wax her eyebrows so that she'll be 'prettier" or who pressures her to wear clothes she's not comfortable wearing (I am reading into it that she's uncomfortable because they are too revealing, but I think it could also apply if they are just radically not her) is crossing some lines, imo.

 

In my life experience, a boyfriend pressuring his girlfriend to make changes in appearance like lose 5 or 10 pounds was the first red flag for a controlling relationship. It would really concern me that a father is doing this.

 

Is there any way your daughter could be in danger from him? Does he drink or use drugs? If the answer to the second question is yes, I would be even more concerned about the boundaries issue and more concerned that the question about whether she could be in danger from him is yes. (I'm not asking you to answer on the internet--just raising concerns that struck me.)

 

At the very least, I would reinforce that she is in control of her own body and NO one may touch her in a way that she is uncomfortable with, and that it is HER call totally.

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Have you heard of the book, For Instruction in Righteousness?

 

It's been a great tool for us.

 

Can you take some time and write your own Bible study to use with your children? Biblegateway.com has several search tools that make it easy to do that!

 

I would be careful with "ForInstruction in Righteousness." It basically gives verses for girls that tell them to practice submitting to men and be docile, while encouraging sons to be leaders. There are some great things in it, but that particular flavor of teaching is repugnant to me.

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These two things would concern me. I think they are both essentially about who is in control of her body. She is.

 

Many of the "issues" surrounding the early teen years are about the body, and who is in control of it. I agree with the above statement, and think I would approach the subject from a more practical point of view, along with the Christian angle on modesty.

 

Wearing very short skirts may give others the impression that a girl is not "in control of her body", and wants to attract male attention, especially as your DD gets a little older. You can explain that doing things that are specifically designed to appeal to the other sex may draw attention. You can look beautiful without being "sexy". Very short skirts and tight clothes also make playing and moving around freely hard. Being comfortable is probably important to DD as well?

 

I have no idea why any dad would push his daughter to have her eyebrows waxed... at 11! Unless, perhaps, she has a LOT of hair growth in that area.

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Dd11 has spoken with me about some of her struggles. Her dad wants her to wax her eyebrows tells her she would be prettier if she did. He buys her clothes that she is uncomfortable wearing and gets upset if she doesn't want to wear them. He cusses alot and that makes her very uncomfortable. I just want to help her fell secure in the decisions she has made about her life.

 

I agree that I don't want her to live under my convictions but her own through her relationship with God. I have watched my oldest dd go out into the world and go against everything we tried to teach her. I know that the choices she made when she was here was because she HAD to and not because she felt led to by God. This is what I want to help dd11 with.

 

 

I see two sides to this. One, if your dd's eyes are that bushy or needing tweezing, why don't you get it done yourself? My dd bought herself a pair of tweezers at that age. It's just part of grooming. But two, I agree with Laurie that there's something entirely unsettling about a dad being that infatuated with his dd's appearance at that age. I'd be concerned there and want to see what I could do about making sure they have better planned activities during their times together and are in public. Teach her about personal boundaries and some ways to change the topic or situation. I think your issue here is personal safety and boundaries and not whether she knows your standards.

 

Finally, your dds now are not in the same situation your oldest was in. We have pretty conservative standards, and I've basically already concluded that ODDS ARE any man she marries will be less conservative than us. Nuts, she may chose a less conservative set of standards. And I've decided to be ok with that. My goal, my ONLY GOAL is to know how her heart is turning out. We talk openly about how she's going to make choices when she leaves home and that they're reflecting her heart and that it's her heart that we're concerned about. We talk openly about where paths lead, and how she is beginning to make choices that will impact the course of her life.

 

Don't be afraid to get some counseling for your dd, even if it's just one session with someone you trust. These are hard issues to work through, and they don't go away or get easier just because they've been going on a long time. My parents divorced btw, and that pain and those problems (problems for the kid, not the parent) went on a long, long time. That's why I'm saying don't be afraid to get some counseling, even just a session or two.

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I may be totally off, because I obviously do not know the whole situation. It seems like your dd is being made to feel uncomfortable by what her dad thinks is appropriate to wear and how she should look. At 11 she should be able tell her dad that she prefers to wear X and not Y, and he should have respect for her decision. If he is making her feel bad about how she likes to dress, but she really wants to dress that way, then I think it is fine for her to put the blame on you to avoid conflict with her dad assuming he really is upset by her saying that she prefers to dress this way and he is balking at that. He is not a Christian, so arguing that she feels God is leading her to dress this way is not going to come across well to him and may start a debate that will be hard for an 11 yr old to have with her dad. IMO just keep encouraging her to go with what she feels God is convicting her on and allow her to vent to you without judgment. If she feels strongly about her convictions, then at some point she will likely drift away from him if he keeps pressuring her. She will be able to decide if she goes to visit him in the coming years, and if he keeps pushing her ideas aside, then he will lose her. It is sad, but you nor your dd will be able to change that.

 

FWIW my dd prefers to dress modestly, and we have never told her that God wants her to or had a study on it. We focus on listening to God and following your own convictions where no clear instructions are given in the Bible. At 11 she is doing a good job of handling situations presented in the outside world, but family conflict (we have a few family members with different beliefs) is much harder. There is no easy answer, but keep communication open with your dd and if you can try talking with her dad about not pressuring her to do things that make dd uncomfortable. :grouphug: to you and your dd.

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Maybe you should talk with her about how to say things like "Dad, I know you like those clothes and think they're cute, but they're really not my style and I feel uncomfortable when you try to make me wear clothes I don't like." "Dad, I know you want me to be pretty, but I don't think I'm ready to wax my eyebrows and they're my eyebrows."

 

If your ex is a decent guy, he probably just hasn't realized that exerting pressure on his daughter about what happens to her body isn't quite cool any more. He may be trying to encourage her to be a 'normal' girl according to his standards, and see her as a little oppressed by the conservative Christianity; he may think that she wants to be more fashionable. You might need to give him a hint that the pressure is making her unhappy, and that he doesn't really want to set a precedent for her to give in to other people's desires about what to do with her body. But I think you're going to have to phrase it in secular terms so that it gets through to him in a way he will understand.

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Maybe you should talk with her about how to say things like "Dad, I know you like those clothes and think they're cute, but they're really not my style and I feel uncomfortable when you try to make me wear clothes I don't like." "Dad, I know you want me to be pretty, but I don't think I'm ready to wax my eyebrows and they're my eyebrows."

 

If your ex is a decent guy, he probably just hasn't realized that exerting pressure on his daughter about what happens to her body isn't quite cool any more. He may be trying to encourage her to be a 'normal' girl according to his standards, and see her as a little oppressed by the conservative Christianity; he may think that she wants to be more fashionable. You might need to give him a hint that the pressure is making her unhappy, and that he doesn't really want to set a precedent for her to give in to other people's desires about what to do with her body. But I think you're going to have to phrase it in secular terms so that it gets through to him in a way he will understand.

 

I agree. I haven't heard enough to think the guy is a weirdo. My dh is very aware of not wanting our dd's to look weird or geeky or awkward. Why? He grew up with little money and few clothing options/hand-me-downs. I run a little interference, which is harder in an Ex-situation. But, I certainly see nothing inappropriate in his (my dh's) concerns.

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  • 1 month later...
Books and plans can only go so far. The best guidance will come from you as a parent. Your daughters might make different choices someday, but the example you've given them will be a stronger influence than any book lesson.

:iagree:

 

You have to teach your children when you rise up and when you lie down and when you walk on the road...IOW, all day, every day, all day long. You don't have to even mention their father; you just do the right thing, and talk to them about doing the right thing, all the time.

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Maybe you should talk with her about how to say things like "Dad, I know you like those clothes and think they're cute, but they're really not my style and I feel uncomfortable when you try to make me wear clothes I don't like." "Dad, I know you want me to be pretty, but I don't think I'm ready to wax my eyebrows and they're my eyebrows."

 

If your ex is a decent guy, he probably just hasn't realized that exerting pressure on his daughter about what happens to her body isn't quite cool any more. He may be trying to encourage her to be a 'normal' girl according to his standards, and see her as a little oppressed by the conservative Christianity; he may think that she wants to be more fashionable. You might need to give him a hint that the pressure is making her unhappy, and that he doesn't really want to set a precedent for her to give in to other people's desires about what to do with her body. But I think you're going to have to phrase it in secular terms so that it gets through to him in a way he will understand.

 

I agree with Dangermom and Snickelfritz. I would try this approach first. If your ex doesn't respond to this approach, then I would look into what Laurie4b is concerned about.

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While I appreciate your concern, I think it is very important that, in this journey, you take care not to make your daughter think you are condemning her father's choices or lifestyle. Further, I believe divorced parents should find a compromise on faith matters.

I am a conservative Catholic (Christian).

I need a little help here. I have two daughters still at home that we homeschool ages 8 and 11. My dd11 is from my first marriage and her dad is not a Christian. We have tried very hard to bring our children up under the beliefs and morals that my dh and I live by. Going to her dad's exposes her to a totally different life style and causes her alot of conflict. I am looking for a bible study that I can do with the girls that will help strengthen them on how to fight the worldly things. I don't want them to say "I can't wear short skirts because my mom says so". I want them to know how God feels about issue like this. How to chose good friends, what to watch on TV and what not to, things like this. I have looked and looked and can not find what I am looking for. I am open to any suggestions at this point. Thanks!
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I think this is off base.

My 11 year old doesn't get to decide how she dresses. Period. She does not, yet, have the right to disagree with me on that level.

Perhaps she shouldn't use the word "prefer". She should tell her father if dressing in a certain way is making her feel UNCOMFORTABLE, but I couldn't care less if my daughter PREFERS to wear short skirts and tank tops - it isn't going to happen.

I may be totally off, because I obviously do not know the whole situation. It seems like your dd is being made to feel uncomfortable by what her dad thinks is appropriate to wear and how she should look. At 11 she should be able tell her dad that she prefers to wear X and not Y, and he should have respect for her decision. If he is making her feel bad about how she likes to dress, but she really wants to dress that way, then I think it is fine for her to put the blame on you to avoid conflict with her dad assuming he really is upset by her saying that she prefers to dress this way and he is balking at that. He is not a Christian, so arguing that she feels God is leading her to dress this way is not going to come across well to him and may start a debate that will be hard for an 11 yr old to have with her dad. IMO just keep encouraging her to go with what she feels God is convicting her on and allow her to vent to you without judgment. If she feels strongly about her convictions, then at some point she will likely drift away from him if he keeps pressuring her. She will be able to decide if she goes to visit him in the coming years, and if he keeps pushing her ideas aside, then he will lose her. It is sad, but you nor your dd will be able to change that.

 

FWIW my dd prefers to dress modestly, and we have never told her that God wants her to or had a study on it. We focus on listening to God and following your own convictions where no clear instructions are given in the Bible. At 11 she is doing a good job of handling situations presented in the outside world, but family conflict (we have a few family members with different beliefs) is much harder. There is no easy answer, but keep communication open with your dd and if you can try talking with her dad about not pressuring her to do things that make dd uncomfortable. :grouphug: to you and your dd.

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I think this is off base.

My 11 year old doesn't get to decide how she dresses. Period. She does not, yet, have the right to disagree with me on that level.

Perhaps she shouldn't use the word "prefer". She should tell her father if dressing in a certain way is making her feel UNCOMFORTABLE, but I couldn't care less if my daughter PREFERS to wear short skirts and tank tops - it isn't going to happen.

 

 

:confused: wOW. My 5 and 6 year olds get to tell us what they prefer to wear. It's THEIR body, not mine. Now, if my dd prefers a bikini when it is 20 degrees outside then I override that. :lol:

 

When they make more choices we have fewer battles over things that, in the long run, do not matter to our family happiness.

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I think this is off base.

My 11 year old doesn't get to decide how she dresses. Period. She does not, yet, have the right to disagree with me on that level.

Perhaps she shouldn't use the word "prefer". She should tell her father if dressing in a certain way is making her feel UNCOMFORTABLE, but I couldn't care less if my daughter PREFERS to wear short skirts and tank tops - it isn't going to happen.

Wow, you still pick out her outfits everyday? :confused:

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Topical/chain reference Bible.....all topics you want to discuss

"God and Me" devotionals for girls (this is a one page a day activity page that discusses a message....you could expand on that

Growing Little Women Donna J. Miller (this is excellent....one for ages 5-8 and another version for 8-12....something like that)

Another book I can NOT remember...2 volumns. I just went to look for it and can not find it....:glare: If I find it I'll let you know

Also, any etiquette and manners book....again, I have one downstairs and can't find/remember (it's been awhile since we've used it...dd is behind a little). If I find that particular one I'll let you know.

 

HTH!

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If my daughter prefers to wear pink over brown, that's her call - but if she prefers to wear mini skirts and belly shirts, it isn't in line with our values and we do not allow it.

Clothing may not matter in your family - but it is wrong to impose your morals on other families. It would bring great unhappiness and disturb the harmony in our home for our daughter to tramp about in clothing we consider immodest and inappropriate :001_smile:

:confused: wOW. My 5 and 6 year olds get to tell us what they prefer to wear. It's THEIR body, not mine. Now, if my dd prefers a bikini when it is 20 degrees outside then I override that. :lol:

 

When they make more choices we have fewer battles over things that, in the long run, do not matter to our family happiness.

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I'm not sure where you got this. Perhaps I worded it wrong. Her clothing is approved by us. We buy it, we approve it. She knows what types of clothing she is allowed to wear, and not allow to wear. She can pick out her clothing within that - to an extent. So long as it is appropriate, modest, and not flashy, she's good to go. Not an issue because she doesn't own clothing out of that scope.

Wow, you still pick out her outfits everyday? :confused:
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I'm not sure where you got this. Perhaps I worded it wrong. Her clothing is approved by us. We buy it, we approve it. She knows what types of clothing she is allowed to wear, and not allow to wear. She can pick out her clothing within that - to an extent. So long as it is appropriate, modest, and not flashy, she's good to go. Not an issue because she doesn't own clothing out of that scope.

Got it. It was worded poorly. I understand have a set standard; we do also. The issue here is that the standard is different at dad's than at mom's and dad seems to dislike mom's and mom dislikes dad's. There needs to be a sit down discussion between the ADULTS, even if it's with a counselor, and THEY need to come up with something that will work for both of them. Dad may not want frumpy and mom may not want immodest. Believe it or not, you can have modest without frumpy. I actually know Jewish people, LDS, and even certain Mennonites that are modern AND modest. If there's not any creep factor with dad, then the issue may be more along the lines of his concern for her appearance towards others.

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I agree with you and will go a step more - I think that the faith of the child needs to be a decision reached between BOTH parents. Even as a conservative Catholic, I do not believe the faith a child is raised in should be the decision of only one parent.

We find tons of wonderful, classy, bright, modest clothing from Gap, Tea Collection, and similar stores, so I'll also agree that modest can be fun :) Autumn has no clue that some people (not you!) think we're depriving her by not allowing the latest in trendy, less-fabric-is-more-cool clothing :D

Got it. It was worded poorly. I understand have a set standard; we do also. The issue here is that the standard is different at dad's than at mom's and dad seems to dislike mom's and mom dislikes dad's. There needs to be a sit down discussion between the ADULTS, even if it's with a counselor, and THEY need to come up with something that will work for both of them. Dad may not want frumpy and mom may not want immodest. Believe it or not, you can have modest without frumpy. I actually know Jewish people, LDS, and even certain Mennonites that are modern AND modest. If there's not any creep factor with dad, then the issue may be more along the lines of his concern for her appearance towards others.
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If my daughter prefers to wear pink over brown, that's her call - but if she prefers to wear mini skirts and belly shirts, it isn't in line with our values and we do not allow it.

Clothing may not matter in your family - but it is wrong to impose your morals on other families. It would bring great unhappiness and disturb the harmony in our home for our daughter to tramp about in clothing we consider immodest and inappropriate :001_smile:

 

I understand now. I agree with you about the slutty clothes. We don't allow clothes like that in the house so she wouldn't have access to them. I suspect that you are probably the same that way. ;)

 

Yeah, it was just the wording. :grouphug:

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Hey!

 

I absolutely love every single one of the adventures in Odyssey CDs that Focus on the Family puts out, they may even have one on modesty...they are usually $25 four four CDs...I think we have bought $400 worth over the age your daughters are. I hate to say it but they got much more out of the storkines than any bought Bible study....AIO does a great job of playing out common conflicts with youth and shows excellent responses that are biblical...We drive a lot so we just listened to them all the time!

You can burn tem for free from the site, but they have commercials in them...we do not like having the "show" interrupted :)

Please check them out! :)

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Have you tried simply telling her what you have written here-- that ultimately she should make choices based on her relationship with god, and not just because she's "following orders" so to speak?

 

I too find it very odd/ disturbing that her father is suggesting she wax her eyebrows and wear certain types of clothing because she'll look "prettier?" This sends a very strange message. I cannot imagine my husband telling our daughters to do X or Y to look "prettier."

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I asked my husband about this.

For what it's worth, he doesn't find it creepy.

Perhaps Dad is concerned (overly) about the daughter fitting in, making friends, etc. With the rate of teenage depression sky rocketing, perhaps he is concerned about how she perceives herself socially.

I do not see anything different about what Dad is doing here, than a Mom perhaps telling her daughter that she should brush her hair because it's messy, her teeth because they're fuzzy (lol), or change a dirty/unmatching top.

Taking pride in one's appearance is a good thing (in our book) and I think it's a double standard for us to say it's okay for Mom to tell her daughter, on one end of the spectrum or the other, that dressing should be done in a certain matter, and then to persecute Dad for the same. Perhaps Dad's priorities are different - that doesn't mean they aren't well intentioned.

Have you tried simply telling her what you have written here-- that ultimately she should make choices based on her relationship with god, and not just because she's "following orders" so to speak?

 

I too find it very odd/ disturbing that her father is suggesting she wax her eyebrows and wear certain types of clothing because she'll look "prettier?" This sends a very strange message. I cannot imagine my husband telling our daughters to do X or Y to look "prettier."

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i have not read all the replies, so i am sorry if i repeat, but here are a few books -- regarding raised Girls after God's heart and addressing modesty and morality with teen girls ...

 

(I have boys, but I am Godmom to a Princess)

 

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Modern-Day-Princess-Pam-Farrel/dp/158997574X/ref=wl_it_dp_o_npd?ie=UTF8&coliid=I4EV50J128CM1&colid=1EHHNMKVIA5F0 Rasieing a Moderen day Princess

 

every young vomans struggle http://www.amazon.com/Every-Young-Womans-Battle-Sex-Saturated/dp/0307458008/ref=wl_it_dp_o_npd?ie=UTF8&coliid=IAXDNEHH6Y0W3&colid=1EHHNMKVIA5F0

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Girl-Raising-Daughter-Ungodly/dp/0805430539/ref=pd_sim_b_8 raiseing a Godly Daughter in an UnGodly vorld

 

http://www.amazon.com/One-Year-Mother-Daughter-Devo/dp/1414336780/ref=pd_sim_b_13 mom daughter devortional

 

http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Keeper-Delicate-Power-Modesty/dp/0802439772/ref=pd_sim_b_14 sectret keeper -- the delatiate pover of modesty ..

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Have you tried simply telling her what you have written here-- that ultimately she should make choices based on her relationship with god, and not just because she's "following orders" so to speak?

 

I too find it very odd/ disturbing that her father is suggesting she wax her eyebrows and wear certain types of clothing because she'll look "prettier?" This sends a very strange message. I cannot imagine my husband telling our daughters to do X or Y to look "prettier."

 

:iagree::iagree: Behavior like THAT is "grooming a child" -- telling a gril child she is prettier if she X, implying she looks better TO MEN, if she ______ and then she does it, then he tells her "yes see, so much better, so *I* understand, i am looking out for youn ..." -- I have seen it too many times, it is grooming behavior and it is dangerous.

 

A dad tells a daughter "wash you face" a future abuser says "put some make up, you'll look better"

 

I'd be very very concered

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It is strange that this thread popped back up. Dd11 went to Dad's this last weekend and his company had a float in the Christmas parade. Dd11 told me that his girlfriend put a face of makeup on her, (that she did not like or want) and then her dad told her how much prettier she was with it. This made her feel very bad and she voiced that to me.

 

Let me clear up a few things. As far as faith, dd11 has been brought up in our home and exposed and taught our faith. However, she is an individual who is free to make her own choices in faith. She is very close to God and does her own studying. Her father does not really have any faith but his mother does and in areas it defers from ours. When she has asked me questions about it I tell her to read and study on it and find her own answer. This she does.

 

As far as lifestyles, yes her Dad's is very different from ours but again, I do not tell her one is better than the other. SHE does not like the things he likes or wants her to wear. On top of the fact that she feels it is against HER beliefs to wear and do some of the things he ask, she is not a girly girl. She would much rather be outside shooting her BB gun in a camo outfit, than to worry about her hair or outfit.

 

For history, Yes her father was abusive to me and every other wife. This one will make 6. I have since forgiven him and we co-parent the best we can. It is a very tight line. I know alot of the things he says to her is a controlling mind game because that is who he is. However, I do not want to be the parent that bashes the other parent so I try to let her make her own conclusions with the help of alot of prayer. She has the problem with these things it is not my opinion that is important here. I just want to help her figure out how to get it across to her dad that this isn't who she is or the things she likes.

 

If I speak to him about these things it will inevitably come back on dd11. Even though his outward exchanges with me are pleasant enough, what he says when I am not there is a different story.

 

Sorry to ramble so long I am just about to my limit!!!!!

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It is strange that this thread popped back up. Dd11 went to Dad's this last weekend and his company had a float in the Christmas parade. Dd11 told me that his girlfriend put a face of makeup on her, (that she did not like or want) and then her dad told her how much prettier she was with it. This made her feel very bad and she voiced that to me.

 

Let me clear up a few things. As far as faith, dd11 has been brought up in our home and exposed and taught our faith. However, she is an individual who is free to make her own choices in faith. She is very close to God and does her own studying. Her father does not really have any faith but his mother does and in areas it defers from ours. When she has asked me questions about it I tell her to read and study on it and find her own answer. This she does.

 

As far as lifestyles, yes her Dad's is very different from ours but again, I do not tell her one is better than the other. SHE does not like the things he likes or wants her to wear. On top of the fact that she feels it is against HER beliefs to wear and do some of the things he ask, she is not a girly girl. She would much rather be outside shooting her BB gun in a camo outfit, than to worry about her hair or outfit.

 

For history, Yes her father was abusive to me and every other wife. This one will make 6. I have since forgiven him and we co-parent the best we can. It is a very tight line. I know alot of the things he says to her is a controlling mind game because that is who he is. However, I do not want to be the parent that bashes the other parent so I try to let her make her own conclusions with the help of alot of prayer. She has the problem with these things it is not my opinion that is important here. I just want to help her figure out how to get it across to her dad that this isn't who she is or the things she likes.

 

If I speak to him about these things it will inevitably come back on dd11. Even though his outward exchanges with me are pleasant enough, what he says when I am not there is a different story.

 

Sorry to ramble so long I am just about to my limit!!!!!

 

VERY BIG RED FLAG -- no dad should EVER tell a child (or non-child) that she "looks better " made up .. you look better in clean clothing, you look better with you shirt tucked in, or your hair washed -- you do NOT look better made up

 

she is ONLY 11 for the love of Pete --

 

i am MAD for you OP --

 

I'd go to my lawyer and seek a change in vistation -- supervised or at the very least no "hangers on" --

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We don't allow make up - even for "dress up",

 

but I fail to see how this is any different than what many women do to their daughters every day by putting them in pageants with make up, buying them make up at 7/8 years old, telling them they need to lose weight etc. All of the aforementioned examples, by the way, make me pity the child, but not necessarily believe they are at risk of being abused.

Why is it considered perverted in some sense that Dad is the one doing this - when Mom said EARLIER in the post that he was a good Dad otherwise (or did I misread as it seems to contradict what she recently wrote)?

VERY BIG RED FLAG -- no dad should EVER tell a child (or non-child) that she "looks better " made up .. you look better in clean clothing, you look better with you shirt tucked in, or your hair washed -- you do NOT look better made up

 

she is ONLY 11 for the love of Pete --

 

i am MAD for you OP --

 

I'd go to my lawyer and seek a change in vistation -- supervised or at the very least no "hangers on" --

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We don't allow make up - even for "dress up",

 

but I fail to see how this is any different than what many women do to their daughters every day by putting them in pageants with make up, buying them make up at 7/8 years old, telling them they need to lose weight etc. All of the aforementioned examples, by the way, make me pity the child, but not necessarily believe they are at risk of being abused.

Why is it considered perverted in some sense that Dad is the one doing this - when Mom said EARLIER in the post that he was a good Dad otherwise (or did I misread as it seems to contradict what she recently wrote)?

 

dad is encourageing and praiseing sexual behaviors and "older age" behaviors -- that is a red flag for grooming -- sorry but facts are fracts, maybe this guy is NOT doing it -- maybe he is just a little creepty (telling his 11 yo she looks better in make up? ok maybe he is only a jerk) -- but the facts do not lie

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You didn't answer my question - how is this any different than a woman praising and encouraging "older" behaviours in their daughter? Women can be sexual predators too.

That's a "fact" too :D

dad is encourageing and praiseing sexual behaviors and "older age" behaviors -- that is a red flag for grooming -- sorry but facts are fracts, maybe this guy is NOT doing it -- maybe he is just a little creepty (telling his 11 yo she looks better in make up? ok maybe he is only a jerk) -- but the facts do not lie
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We don't allow make up - even for "dress up",

 

but I fail to see how this is any different than what many women do to their daughters every day by putting them in pageants with make up, buying them make up at 7/8 years old, telling them they need to lose weight etc. All of the aforementioned examples, by the way, make me pity the child, but not necessarily believe they are at risk of being abused.

Why is it considered perverted in some sense that Dad is the one doing this - when Mom said EARLIER in the post that he was a good Dad otherwise (or did I misread as it seems to contradict what she recently wrote)?

 

 

Nothing has been contradicting. Yes, her Dad loves her and tries to be a good dad to her. I am not trying to bash him. I am simply trying to show how his choices and his lifestyle are so different from ours and the way dd11 prefers to live. This is not about him being a sexual predator. Do I think his comments are inappropriate because he is sending dd11 a message that she is not good enough as just her. YES! I do and if you can't see that then I'm not sure what to say.

 

This is not a subject up for an argument, I simply came seeking friendly advice on how to help dd11 deal with some of these issues. If you are wanting a topic to debate, which it seems like, maybe you should try another thread. My daughter's happiness and confidence in life is to important to be side tracked.

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You didn't answer my question - how is this any different than a woman praising and encouraging "older" behaviours in their daughter? Women can be sexual predators too.

That's a "fact" too :D

 

 

Again why the debate? If a mother is teaching her dd11 to dress and act like a grown woman, I think we can all agree that is disturbing. This is not about sexual abuse. Dad is a very materialistic person whose appearance both of him and his family is the most important. Things like having to drive the most expensive car, living in a house they can't afford, wearing nothing but name brand clothes, his girlfriend's hair and makeup always being perfect. This is just who his is. I just don't want dd11 to suffer from it. That is why I was hoping to find something, outside of our talks, that she could read and hold in her hear to help strengthen her against things that are so hurtful.

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