Handling a tough social situation?

[Dmmetler]

We do a once a week homeschool co-op and occasional other events with the same group of people. One of the older girls and DD share a lot of common interests-they're both very interested in mythology, both love logic puzzles and complicated math problems and generally enjoy intellectual challenges. DD follows this older girl around like a puppy, and most of the other older group accept DD being there and don't seem to notice her age. In general, they're bright, social, and very sweet girls.

 

However, there's one girl who does and who is constantly making snipes and backhanded comments about DD-not to her, but to others around her (typical middle school girl behavior). And of course, she's the one DD really, really wants to like her and places on a pedestal.

 

From the outside, I can see why-the girl who is doing most of these comments simply isn't as academically minded as some of the others. She probably has some LD issues, and really struggles with academics. She's very bright, very artistic, an excellent dancer, and has a great memory, but when it comes to schoolwork, she's several years below DD, while being almost twice DD's age. The kind of logic puzzles and problems that DD and some of the other kids thrive on, or discussing books, or word play that the girls do is something this child really can't participate in-and I can see why it bothers her that a younger child can outdo her in this area so easily.

 

I'm trying to encourage DD to spend more time with the kids closer to her age, but it's hard when her older friend sees her and immediately calls her over to that group-and when DD really DOES have more in common with the older kids than the ones her age.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[In the Rain]

Do you have any kind of relationship with this girl? Could you somehow work into a conversation how much your dd looks up to her? If this other girl were to see her role as "mentor" or "cool big kid" instead of competition, she might be much kinder to your dd. I have found that middle school age girls like to be admired by others. LOL.

[go_go_gadget]

What kind of effect is this having on your daughter? If you think she can handle it, you might use this as a learning opportunity (this kind of thing doesn't stop when school stops), instead of trying to change the situation or the other girl's behavior. Learning to let that kind of thing roll off you while maintaining and requiring self-respect is a life skill. I'd say it all depends on your daughter's emotional maturity, especially at a young age like six.

[Barbara H]

Perhaps this would be a good time for conversations about friendship. Stuff like: what are characteristics of a good friend, how do you handle it when people say stuff that is unkind, what qualities do you look for in a friend, etc.

 

While certainly you don't want her to hang in a situation where she's being hurt, I think it makes sense to try to use this as an opportunity for her to get the experience thinking through different situations and making choices about what works for her.

[zaichiki]

Your dd is 6? She needs mom to step in here. I think a well-thought-out and gentle comment to the 12+ year old is in order. (We do not bully/tease 6 year olds.)

[2smartones]

I think some comments to both are probably necessary, because they're still learning the rules of life, but for the most part, I probably wouldn't separate them.

[chiguirre]

Could you explain to your dd that she needs to somtimes talk about things that the other girl is good at? If she gives the girl a chance to shine, it might help smooth things out.

[ebunny]

Your dd is 6? She needs mom to step in here. I think a well-thought-out and gentle comment to the 12+ year old is in order. (We do not bully/tease 6 year olds.)

 

:iagree: And a small discussion with DD on the meaning of "friendship" and how good friends are kind and nice to each other/not nasty.

[kubiac]

Your friends are supposed to make you feel good.

 

{{hug}}