Kathleen in VA Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 The following is a paragraph by the son who had anesthesia as baby and didn't wake up right away (I posted about him a week or so ago on the General board). He has a lot of trouble with verbal communication. He's behind in math and has trouble following oral directions so I've always wondered if perhaps he has a learning disability. This is an paragraph he wrote for Format Writing. Please let me know if this is acceptable for high school (I consider him a freshman). Oh, and keep in mind, he likes to joke a lot and this paper reflects his quirky sense of humor. PB&J sandwiches are very easy to make (if you know how to make them) and after careful preparation, are very tasty. In this paragraph, we will discover the secret to making the perfect PB&J sandwich. First of all, you want to obtain some sort of plate; plastic, paper, or glass will do. Take that plate and set it on some sort of flat, sturdy surface that isn’t liable to slide. Now, get your hands on the bag of bread (it doesn't matter what type). Open the bag, take out two slices and set those two slices on that plate that is sitting on that hard, sturdy surface. Locate the peanut butter and a spreader (or a butter knife). Take those two items over to the bread and the plate and the hard, sturdy surface. Take the lid off the peanut butter container and take a slab of peanut butter out with the spreader (or the butter knife) and smear it out onto one side of one of the slices of bread. After finishing with the peanut butter, put it back where you got it from and procure the jelly from the fridge. On your way back to the table, find a spoon. Having gotten the jelly and the spoon, remove the lid from the jelly container and stick the spoon into the container. Snatch a chunk of jelly and spread onto the other slice of bread. When done smearing, put the jelly away and the spoon in the sink. Take the slice of bread and set the side with peanut butter onto the other slice of bread with the jelly (facing each other). Take a bite with delight! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 keeps saying that you should clean up your stuff and put things away as you go. Hilarious and refreshing. I wish he would teach my teen boys to do that:) I think he did a great job. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jplain Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Disclaimer: I don't have a high school-age student, and I've not taught process paragraphs. But while working toward a teaching credential, I student taught high school biology. Compared to the writing I got from my freshman and sophomore students, I think your son's writing is absolutely fine. His playful use of language is a pleasure to read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I love his writing style, and sense of humor - very refreshing! :) One technical note ... the side with the peanut butter should NEVER be placed on top of the jelly. :D On a serious note, I generally prefer commas to parenthesis, but either may be fine in procedural writing. I'd be encouraging him to pursue some creative writing - just for fun. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Kathleen, for this type of writing his style is remarkably close to what I think my ds14 would do. I've been told that ds14 is a good writer. He did a good job at describing the process with humor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Looks good to me. The only things that bothered me were the overuse of parentheses, and this sentence: "on some sort of flat, sturdy surface that isn’t liable to slide. " I have semantics issues with that: the surface can not slide- the bread can slide on the surface.. Other than that, sounds fine to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Thanks everyone - I appreciate your comments and am feeling a little better about how he's doing. I'll mention the parentheses problem to him. His sister, dd19, encouraged him to join her in doing Nanowrimo this year and he has about 13,000 words so far. I haven't looked at it at all because I'm usually too critical. I do copy editing part time so it's next to impossible for me not to mention typos and spelling errors and such. I told him I'd wait until he'd had an opportunity to edit it at least once before I read it, so we'll see how that goes. Regentrude - I love that you noticed the technical mistake of the surface not being able to slide. Ds takes particular delight in correcting any similar kinds of mistakes in my speech - just to be irritating:). For example, if I say, "Can you make me a cup of coffee?," he's likely to reply, "Well, I can't make you a cup of coffee but I can make a cup of coffee for you." He'll get a kick out of the fact that you noticed that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Kathleen that's awesome that he's doing the Nanowrimo!!! I made it a golden rule to never correct any of dd's creative writing. It's sooooo hard not to, but I'm so glad I haven't as I think it would have put a damper on the fun. :) Hopefully she'll pursue writing in college and can get all her editing there. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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