To visit a dying relative, or not?

[Anne in CA]

I love my cousin very much. Today I found out she is dying of cancer and has maybe only a few days left to live. My heart is broken for her mom and dad. She is at a hospital not far from my house, and part of me wonders if I should go see her.

 

I don't think so, because I have heard that she looks awful and is allergic to morphine and is very miserable. I do not think I would want visitors in that condition. Especially since the last time I saw her I hugged her goodbye and she looked so beautiful...

 

She has done many nice things for me over the years though, and I don't want her parents, who are losing their first born and have also done many nice things for me over the years, to think I am unloving. I would happily go to show them respect, but I don't want to be a burden. What does the hive say?

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you can provide comfort and love to her and her parents in these hours, I would go. If for whatever reason you feel like you could not totally be there for them, then I wouldn't go.

[Jenny in Atl]

Have someone ask her if she would like to see you. This should be about her, not you.

[Rosie_0801]

Send flowers with a note saying "I'd love to visit, call me and tell me when!" It shows you want to and that's a thought that counts. And call her parents to ask for the real answer.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[G5052]

How she looks is the last thing on her mind, trust me.

 

Not long ago I didn't go when an estranged relative was dying. That was a totally different situation IMHO, and I have no regrets.

[Jennifer3141]

I don't think it is likely you will ever regret going to see your cousin.

 

I do think it is likely you will regret someday NOT going to see her.

 

If there was love there, it won't matter to you what she looks like. It's possible she has let go of what she looks like too.

 

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is your tears.

[Anne in CA]

These are all good thoughts. I am on the fence about going because I don't want to be a burden, and I should clarify that she was very careful about wanting to only be seen when she was looking good. She was a teacher and her image was very important to her. I do think I should send flowers and a note asking if I should come. Believe it or not this news had me too stressed out to think of that. Thank you.

[Cheryl in NM]

I think it's better to pay respects at the hospital than the funeral. I'm sure your cousin wants to see anyone who loves her. Of course, as a pp said, if you feel that you cannot offer comfort/support than don't go. If that is the case just send flowers, maybe give her a call.

[elfgivas]

if she really only has a few days left, then i would definitely go....

 

in all my years of ministry (+30), i have not once met a dying person who didn't want to be visited. i have met lots of relatives of dying people who think that they might not want to be visited, and even a few who told people not to come, but that was about them and not about the person who was in their end time.

 

there is something about being in the end time that has all the superficiality slide off and what is left is relationship and love... its nice to share those.

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

ps. most hospitals have phones in the clients' rooms. you could call and tell her you were wanting to come and visit and are afternoons or mornings better, and that gives her the opportunity to say what she wants.....

Edited November 3, 2011 by elfgivas@yahoo.com

[Spryte]

If you have reservations, you could ask her parents... But... I would go.

 

I think it a lot more likely that she would appreciate a visit, and would hope for one, than otherwise.

 

When my dearest sister-friend in college passed, she waited and waited at the hospital for visitors, up until the final hours. She appreciated every single visit, and felt sad that certain people did not come because of their own issues about death and dying. To this day, I feel sad for the people who did not go see her, because they have more issues and grief around her death than those of us who were with her.

 

You can always drop off flowers and a card, and leave quickly, if it seems that the visit makes her feel worse.

[mommylaw]

I would go. In my years as a nurse I've spent many nights with dying patients. The more love and support around them the better.

 

There are drugs she can take other than morphine. Perhaps she would prefer to feel the pain than feel "foggy." Those last few days are often a gift.

 

I promise her parents will appreciate you being there.

[Anne in CA]

Wow, since everyone is voting, Go, off I go. I'm so glad I asked, because I really did think a visit would be an intrusion. I stand corrected.

[HSMom2One]

These are all good thoughts. I am on the fence about going because I don't want to be a burden, and I should clarify that she was very careful about wanting to only be seen when she was looking good. She was a teacher and her image was very important to her. I do think I should send flowers and a note asking if I should come. Believe it or not this news had me too stressed out to think of that. Thank you.

 

I sent a note and loving thoughts, asking when would be a good time to visit when a dear, dear friend of mine was dying of cancer recently. Unfortunately, the family was so busy attending to her needs that I did not get a reply until they contacted me to let me know she had passed. For the rest of my days I'm going to regret not going. If I had, it would have been most appreciated by my friend and her family. I know this because they told me so at her funeral.

 

When it comes to late stage cancer, time is of the essence. Don't waffle on this. Make a decision right away while you have the time because whatever that decision is, you will have to live with it.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Harriet Vane]

I don't think it is likely you will ever regret going to see your cousin.

 

I do think it is likely you will regret someday NOT going to see her.

 

If there was love there, it won't matter to you what she looks like. It's possible she has let go of what she looks like too.

 

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is your tears.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

This past February I sat with my aunt as she lay dying. It's one of the hardest things I've done, and an experience I treasure. I'm so glad I could comfort those painful hours for her.

[Once Again]

Are the two of you close? Or were you close in years past? If so, go see her.

[edelweiss]

Personally, I would call and check with her parents first. I seem to be in the minority, but I would NOT want anyone but my parents, spouse, and children (and I actually even hate the thought of these few individuals) to see me like that.

[Serenade]

I would go. It doesn't have to be a long visit, but a visit to show support and love.

[Georgiana Daniels]

Wow, since everyone is voting, Go, off I go. I'm so glad I asked, because I really did think a visit would be an intrusion. I stand corrected.

 

I think you made the right decision. To be surrounded by loved ones probably means everything to her. :grouphug:

[DaffodilDreams]

I didn't get to see my grandfather before he passed. I did get to see my uncle. He died of lung cancer and looked nothing like his former self. I cherish the hugs, the conversation we shared, and the chance to show my love to my uncle before he left us. I do regret not having the same chance to do the same with/for my grandfather. If you're close to your cousin, I'd go love on her while you can.

[kalanamak]

Have someone ask her if she would like to see you. This should be about her, not you.

 

:iagree: One can also go to the hospital, bring the nurses some fruit, and visit her parents in the waiting room while your cousin is bathed or whatever. One can ask the parents if they need anything, like some hot soup from home, at the hospital. Or a little pillow for making the waiting room chairs more comfy.

 

Any or all of the above.

[scrapbookbuzz]

GO!

[kalanamak]

Personally, I would call and check with her parents first. I seem to be in the minority, but I would NOT want anyone but my parents, spouse, and children (and I actually even hate the thought of these few individuals) to see me like that.

 

There are many people who are that way. One I knew was very pretty, and her husband and I both stood up to family who wanted to see her brain dead and gasping. I Knew, Knew, Knew Susan didn't want people seeing her that way. Hubby knew, too. The extended family waited in a big room to themselves and told stories, and after she was gone, and the froth wiped off, and her hair combed, and all the equipment removed, they came in for a last look, and saw her as peaceful and non-mussed.

 

Heck, my mother didn't even want people seeing her old and feeble. She cut out a lot of family because she was only going to show herself as her strong, capable, immaculate-housed self. The last thing she "let go" was her garden. She did love to garden, but it was ALSO what the outside world saw.

Edited November 4, 2011 by kalanamak
spelling

[Laurie4b]

These are all good thoughts. I am on the fence about going because I don't want to be a burden, and I should clarify that she was very careful about wanting to only be seen when she was looking good. She was a teacher and her image was very important to her. I do think I should send flowers and a note asking if I should come. Believe it or not this news had me too stressed out to think of that. Thank you.

 

I think it's a mistake to assume that her desires now are the same as her desires when she was healthy and beautiful. Often a crisis such as cancer will bring out what is really important in life. For a lot of people, "how I look" wouldn't survive the cut. It would for some, but I wouldn't assume it.

 

If you weren't concerned about her views on her appearance, would you actually want to visit or is the whole idea uncomfortable to you and you would prefer the last memory you already have of her?

 

What do you think the reason is that you are only now finding out about it?

[Anne in CA]

Well, I called another relative to ask if she was taking visitors, I was told she was, and I went. My aunt and uncle and another cousin were there and I spent time with them. She was asleep most of the time, but woke up for a minute, held my hand and I quickly told her I had always looked up to her. She said she didn't know that, and went back to sleep. What a sweet moment, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

 

You ladies and your wonderful advice rock! Now, where are you when I'm picking out jeans???

[NittanyJen]

So glad you went. So sorry for your pending loss.

 

So glad to hear that she is surrounded by loving family.

[Starr]

I so glad you got to see her!

[Aggie]

Well, I called another relative to ask if she was taking visitors, I was told she was, and I went. My aunt and uncle and another cousin were there and I spent time with them. She was asleep most of the time, but woke up for a minute, held my hand and I quickly told her I had always looked up to her. She said she didn't know that, and went back to sleep. What a sweet moment, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

 

You ladies and your wonderful advice rock! Now, where are you when I'm picking out jeans???

 

I'm so glad you went.:grouphug::grouphug:

[silliness7]

I love my cousin very much. Today I found out she is dying of cancer and has maybe only a few days left to live. My heart is broken for her mom and dad. She is at a hospital not far from my house, and part of me wonders if I should go see her.

 

I don't think so, because I have heard that she looks awful and is allergic to morphine and is very miserable. I do not think I would want visitors in that condition. Especially since the last time I saw her I hugged her goodbye and she looked so beautiful...

 

She has done many nice things for me over the years though, and I don't want her parents, who are losing their first born and have also done many nice things for me over the years, to think I am unloving. I would happily go to show them respect, but I don't want to be a burden. What does the hive say?

 

I have never been on death's door. But I think when I am there I will want as many people holding my hand as will bother with me. I can't imagine that she will care that she looks horrible and perhaps a visit with you will distract her from her pain just for a brief bit. It is your very last chance to see her alive and tell her you love her and appreciate all the nice things she's done for you. Go.

[Tree House Academy]

I would call her parents and ask them what they think...tell them that you want to see her but just do not know if it is the right thing based on her condition. They will probably know best.

[silliness7]

Well, I called another relative to ask if she was taking visitors, I was told she was, and I went. My aunt and uncle and another cousin were there and I spent time with them. She was asleep most of the time, but woke up for a minute, held my hand and I quickly told her I had always looked up to her. She said she didn't know that, and went back to sleep. What a sweet moment, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

 

You ladies and your wonderful advice rock! Now, where are you when I'm picking out jeans???

 

Oh, I am so glad. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Well, I called another relative to ask if she was taking visitors, I was told she was, and I went. My aunt and uncle and another cousin were there and I spent time with them. She was asleep most of the time, but woke up for a minute, held my hand and I quickly told her I had always looked up to her. She said she didn't know that, and went back to sleep. What a sweet moment, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

 

You ladies and your wonderful advice rock! Now, where are you when I'm picking out jeans???

 

I'm glad you went, and glad you had that time together. May God ease her passing. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I called another relative to ask if she was taking visitors, I was told she was, and I went. My aunt and uncle and another cousin were there and I spent time with them. She was asleep most of the time, but woke up for a minute, held my hand and I quickly told her I had always looked up to her. She said she didn't know that, and went back to sleep. What a sweet moment, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

 

You ladies and your wonderful advice rock! Now, where are you when I'm picking out jeans???

 

I'm so glad that you had that moment. And I'm sure that your aunt, uncle and cousin are glad that you went too. :grouphug:

 

(I'm not good at picking out jeans.)

[littleWMN]

I'm so glad you went.

[Liz CA]

Can you talk to her on the phone? Feel it out. See if you get the vibe that she wants to see you.

My impulse would be to go because this could be the last time this side of heaven you will see her, HOWEVER, I am the patient who would not want anyone coming if I was in pain because I like to crawl into a corner and shut out the world...but if I knew my time was short and I could possibly see my cousin one more time, I may want you to come!

[Liz CA]

Well, I called another relative to ask if she was taking visitors, I was told she was, and I went. My aunt and uncle and another cousin were there and I spent time with them. She was asleep most of the time, but woke up for a minute, held my hand and I quickly told her I had always looked up to her. She said she didn't know that, and went back to sleep. What a sweet moment, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

 

You ladies and your wonderful advice rock! Now, where are you when I'm picking out jeans???

 

Ignore my other post. So glad you got to go see her! I am sure she was so blessed to have you there.

[tex-mex]

I don't think it is likely you will ever regret going to see your cousin.

 

I do think it is likely you will regret someday NOT going to see her.

 

If there was love there, it won't matter to you what she looks like. It's possible she has let go of what she looks like too.

 

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is your tears.

:iagree:

We just lost my MIL to cancer this summer and it really touched us to have her brother and his kids (and grandkids) fly in from thousands of miles away to see her for the last time and say goodbye while she was in hospice. Month later, they all flew back to help with the funeral and potluck/wake. They were awesome!

Edited November 4, 2011 by tex-mex

[Colleen in NS]

.

Edited November 7, 2011 by Colleen in NS

[KS_]

Have someone ask her if she would like to see you. This should be about her, not you.

 

Agree - she might not want to be alone and may very much like to see family and say her goodbyes.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm so glad you went to see her. It sounds like she was glad you were there.

[Jennifer3141]

Anne, I'm so glad you went. You are a treasure! :grouphug:

[DB in NJ]

All I can tell you is that I am VERY thankful for every brave soul who came to visit us when we were in ICU keeping vigil over mom.

 

She was unconscious, fully sedated on a ventilator. We were not.

 

Their visits meant the world to us, although I am sure it was hard for them to see her like that.

[DB in NJ]

Well, I called another relative to ask if she was taking visitors, I was told she was, and I went. My aunt and uncle and another cousin were there and I spent time with them. She was asleep most of the time, but woke up for a minute, held my hand and I quickly told her I had always looked up to her. She said she didn't know that, and went back to sleep. What a sweet moment, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

 

You ladies and your wonderful advice rock! Now, where are you when I'm picking out jeans???

 

I'm glad you went!! What a blessed memory you made.

 

I should have read the entire thread before posting. Sorry!

[ScoutTN]

Zombie thread!