Do you parent differently than you were parented?

[Donna]

I was just thinking this morning how strict my parents were about everything when I was a child. I was expected to have A's in school and even an A wasn't always good enough...my dad would expect higher A's. (I once had a 99 in Algebra which was really a 100 but the computer only could print out a 2 digit number and my dad asked why it wasn't a 100 on the report card.) They didn't have the same expectations grade-wise for my siblings but were strict with them on other things like sports for my brother. (Not sure if they were strict on my sister, the middle child, about much of anything.)

 

Anyway, I tend to pick and chose my battles. Some things I am stricter on and other smaller things that I view as not really important in the overall big picture, I don't harp on. I definitely am not as strict as my parents were on me mostly because of how I felt growing up. I tend to allow my kids more freedom than I was given but I also talk to them more about everything than my parents did with me. I wasn't allowed much free time as a kid/teen because I worked, played sports, volunteered at the hospital, etc...I wasn't often allowed to friends homes to play or hang out. I tend to try and make sure my kids have down time as a result.

 

I was wondering if those with less strict parents tend to provide their kids with more boundaries than they were given because they felt like they lacked direction from their parents. Do you think you parent like you were parented or have you rebounded in the opposite direction or have you found what you view as a middle ground?

[higginszoo]

My parents tended to strike a good balance in most categories, so I'd have to say that I parent pretty much like I was parented. Dh's parents were the autocrats that we intentionally decided to avoid copying, though I do see dh going back to the unreasonable behaviors that were modeled to him as a child now and then.

[Chris in VA]

Middle ground. Trying to be aware of my backround as an ACOA, as well as a GCOA.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I think my parents were burned out of parenting by the time I came along (5th out of 6, large gap.) I only remember getting reprimanded. The would tell me to do something, but never HOW to do it. Then I would get punished for not doing it right. I don't really have any memories of my parents being proud or satisfied. Always critical. I think that is where my paralyzing perfectionism comes from. I also felt that they never tried to understand me. In their defense, they were dealing with some pretty heavy stuff parenting 4 teens (my older sibings) at the height of the sexual revolution - sex, drugs and rock and roll.

 

I try to parent by the relationship. I try to have a strong, loving, respectful relationship with my kids. I try to have a balance between high expectations and loving who they are. I have to say that there were periods where I was overwhelmed and didn't do my best parenting, but, overall, I think they are turning out OK, not perfect (hard for me to deal with;)), but OK. I do have regrets, but I keep trying to do better. I do think I need to be tougher on my youngest, but she is such a tenderhearted girl, that I'd hate to do anything that would crush her spirit. If my kids do nothing better than be kind, loving human beings who have good relationships, then I feel that the rest is gravy. I'm still going to expect the gravy, though:).

[cindergretta]

Radically different from my mother; try to emulate some of my father.

[Mimmy]

I parent very similarly to how I was parented. My parents made their share of mistakes, and I'm trying not to repeat those. I've made my share of mistakes too. Hopefully my kids will grow up to be even better parents to their children;)

[Ester Maria]

Not very differently - I would say that our general child-rearing philosophies are quite compatible - but I have become somewhat more conservative about some issues. I think I tend to be a bit stricter with them than my parents would be with me, but I am still on the more permissive side if I compare myself to many of my DC's friends' parents.

 

My parents were far less involved in my life than I am in my DC's lives. It does not mean that they did not care, but the circumstances were different and, in many ways, the world was different.

 

As a parent I have also had to deal with a whole 'nother set of challenges too, having been an only child, but then having become a mother to three. The whole sibling dynamic thing was a totally new experience for me, thankfully DH had grown up in a family of four and had many tips on how to handle these issues. Also, he tends to be more on the conservative side than I was used to, which must have shaped my dynamic with children as well - and after all, some things we had agreed upon in advance.

[Pamela H in Texas]

My parents were pretty strict and very punitive. I think there are real benefits to being strict but I think there are real drawbacks to being punitive. I focus more on relationship and teaching-based discipline than my parents did. This allows my big kids (and eventually my littles ones) to be less externally controlled, instead making good choices for better reasons (values, morals, problem solving, etc).

[Halcyon]

Radically different from my father, pretty different from my mom. My parents were pretty hands off--think Mad Men but not that bad ;) Kids were NOT the center of their world, and I definitely spend more time with my kids, playing, interacting etc.

 

I am trying to curb my controlling nature, which I blame completely on my mom (sarcasm!)

[Stayseeliz]

The older I get the more I parent like my parents. I'm more protective though!

[gardenmom5]

is this a rhetorical question? I absolutely parent differently than my mother. (and it shows in my children.) she was a wide pendulum from her control freak mother.

[gardenmom5]

is this a rhetorical question? I absolutely parent differently than my mother. (and it shows in my children.) she was a wide pendulum from her control freak mother.

[LaxMom]

I parent very differently than I was parented. BUT... Much of what works with an only child doesn't flow so well when you have multiple children (I see this when friends with onlies come over to hang out, too).

 

I definitely parent differently than my mother, but we are very, very different people and value different things - often in complete opposition to each other - so that, too, is more a product of difference than a conscious effort.

 

Lastly, my children's childhood itself is different. We live in different times, in a different place than where I grew up. I had a lot more freedom than they do.

[Veritaserum]

Yep.

[Mommy22alyns]

I was actually thinking about this the other day. I think I'm parenting pretty differently than my parents. The girls definitely do more extracurriculars than I ever did. I wasn't homeschooled and my parents weren't involved at my school at all. They never read to me either, but somehow I ended up being a reader.

[elizabeth]

Yes, I actually parent rather than trying to be my daughter's friend. When she is an adult that time will come and I hope to be her most trusted confidante.

[MinivanMom]

I was raised in a very neglectful, very chaotic environment. I am a radically different parent. Dh was raised in a very strict, very punitive home. My years dealing with his parents (my in-laws) have helped me to not overreact to my own childhood. I strive to find that middle ground. I always tell dh I'm trying to be different from my mother, but without reacting so strongly to my childhood that I start acting like his mother.

 

Somehow dh and I mesh well even though our backgrounds are so different. We are both trying to be different than our parents and we wind up meeting in the middle.

[Crissy]

Very differently.

My parents were strict about how we behaved toward them.

When it came to our behavior as teens, they were of the opinion that so long as they knew what we were doing, we would be safe.

They allowed us to drink even as young teens, allowed us to smoke and accepted our promiscuity as a normal teenage matter.

 

I have a lot more conversation with my boys about the risks of common teenage behavior, self control and what their choices as teens might mean for their future.

They are making much better choices than I did.

[Hwin]

My parents were strict but didn't expect perfection. Sometimes, there was too much yelling, or sometimes, the wrong kid got in trouble (not because of favoritism, just because sometimes they got it wrong). A good mix of protective (TV and movies were heavily monitored) and hands off (letting us ride our bikes down the street). My parents were always very involved in their children's lives, and now are involved in their grandchildren's lives - they probably show up to half of my son's soccer practices, and I think they are the only grandparents who do that.

 

Anyway, the essentials of my parenting style are the same. I am a little more patient than my mom... the flipside is that I can be too laid back. She is way more of a "mother hen" whereas I have to work up sympathy for an injured child - I tend to focus on finding the correct sized bandage rather than issuing hugs and kisses.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I was an unusual child, in that I watched what my grandparents/legal guardians did with me and my siblings and I thought about how it didn't really work on me or one of my siblings and I decided I wasn't going to do that as an adult (like saying "I'm going to count to three!" and then doing fractions to give the obviously stalling kid more time because they don't really want to punish them.) I was about 5 or 6 when I started doing this. And I remember some of the things and I don't do them. I also observed other kid's parents to see what I liked/wanted as a kid so I would remember to do those, too.

 

To answer the question, I did not go to the opposite extreme because that wouldn't be good for my kids either, but I do not consider myself at a "middle ground" either. I'm where I planned to be.

[mom2denj]

Couldn't be any more different! I was raised by my single mom who was NEVER home! I grew up with babysitters, during the day, at night and on the weekends (and hated it and most of them!!).

 

I am a stay at home mom who homeschools.

 

I always knew that when I had children that I would have a relationship with them. I would spend as much time as possible with them. I would love them, play with them, teach them and never get them a babysitter!!

 

No, I do not think there is anything wrong with having a babysitter for your children, I promise.

 

I just swore that I would never do it and I am sticking with it!

 

Whew, sorry!! I sound very angry. I really am a happy person! I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.:D

[Unscripted]

Yes- absolutely. My mother is a textbook narcissist. Nuff said.

[Parrothead]

In some ways radically different. In others not so much.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

I am a VERY different parent than my parent(s) were. My mom was a single parent alcoholic. My dad popped in and out of my life when he felt like it. I remember waiting at my bedroom window and night crying because I wanted to see him. He would literally out of no where walk to the house from who knows where every few years or so. I am not going to go into any details about life with my mom but as a parent now I wish I had been taken away as a child. How sad is that?

Edited November 3, 2011 by wy_kid_wrangler04

[johnandtinagilbert]

totally different....I parent and my mom tried to make us friends. I was not raised in a Godly environment and I was raised to be very egocentric.

 

We have Christ, serve others, and understand authority.

 

I did get my servant's heart and my desire to have FUN with my kids from Mom, though! And my work ethic from my dad, who worked 7 days most of my childhood.

[Rosie_0801]

The core values are quite similar, but the road taken is very different. Who knows how we'll fare later in the journey, but for now, our kids are quite confident we like them.

 

Rosie

[justamouse]

180 degrees.

 

Punitive, selfish, no cohesiveness.

[Based on Faith Academy]

I tend to parent for the most part the same as my parents. I agree with a lot

of the values that my parents instilled in me. The only difference is that I am a slight bit more lenient than my father but then again he was a drill sergeant and you learned when he talked to obey immediately!!:)

[learningmama]

Very much opposite. My parents were loving, yet laid back and gave us no direction. They never even made us clean. We are teaching our kids life skills and how to be responsible.

[TravelingChris]

I should say that I parent a lot like my parents when both were alive. But when my father died when I was 13, my mother fell into depression and changed. She never acted the same in the 10 years more that she lived. Not that is was all negative but in general, she just became much less interested in parenting us and was generally overwhelmed with life. So yes, like my parents from my birth to age 13.

[Sparkle]

Quite differently from my parents. My parents were very critical and punitive and had unreasonably high expectations for me academically. They weren't all bad, but I don't think they related to children very well. They did give me a good work ethic though, and raised me in a moral environment. They also gave me a sense of exploration and adventure, and I was raised with a lot more freedom in some ways because of where we lived.

 

I try to be much more relationship-based. I have high expectations too, but mine are more about being good, kind people than how well they do in school. I do wish my kids could have the kind of freedom to explore that I did.

[6packofun]

My parents were strict and pretty hands-off. They were fun, too, though, a lot of the time so they really were trying to balance it all. (Up until they started focusing on their divorce. LOL)

 

However, while I think I'm fairly strict, my mom is always wondering why I'm not more of a slave driver (i.e. "consistent"! lol). I think I do more kind, thoughtful, and respectful things for my children just because I love them and she thinks they're a little excessive. I'm not permissive, IMO, very much at all, but she sees it differently and I have to just bite my tongue so that I don't blurt out that I think it would have been nice and loving of her to do some of those things for US when we were growing up! :tongue_smilie:

 

We're not the same women/adults, though, so I think different is perfectly OK. I know that my parents have some regrets and I surely will myself. They'll be different regrets and that's OK, too. :)

[jelbe5]

My mom worked part time and then full time when I began high school. I have always been home and homeschool. My parents were loving and strict but distant. I see myself as loving and firm, but very open with my children. I feel my kids and I are very very close. I did not feel very close to my parents.

[zaichiki]

I was wondering if those with less strict parents tend to provide their kids with more boundaries than they were given because they felt like they lacked direction from their parents. Do you think you parent like you were parented or have you rebounded in the opposite direction or have you found what you view as a middle ground?

 

I definitely parent differently.

My parents were less attentive -- each for their own reasons.

I am much more attentive. Maybe too much.

 

I had a lot more freedom than my children do, but honestly, I would have traded that in a second for parents who were more involved.

[TheApprentice]

My parents didn't allow their children to have a "voice" as much as I do. There is definitely much more negotiating as part of my parenting technique. They also believed in spanking, which I don't do, and punishment, which I am moving away from. So yeah, a bit different environment.;)

[Night Elf]

I was wondering if those with less strict parents tend to provide their kids with more boundaries than they were given because they felt like they lacked direction from their parents.

 

My mom was not strict and certainly didn't provide much guidance. While she was very loving, I would say she was mostly hands-off. I'm not the opposite type of parent, but I like to think I've modified my mom's parenting style. I'm not strict but I do provide guidance. My children have more boundaries than I did, but they don't have as many restrictions as some of their peers do. I have expectations for my children but I'm not hard on them. I probably hold their hands too much really. Maybe that IS a reaction to my mom being hands-off. Hmm..

[Lawana]

I'm very different in some things, similar in others. The one really good thing my mother did was to mean what she said. She never threatened. If she said something, it was followed up with action. I could always trust her 100%. So it came quite naturally to do the same with my dc. On the other hand, she checked out emotionally when we reached school age. I have gone to great lengths (including home schooling) to avoid this. As far as my dad, lets just let sleeping dogs lie.