Alice Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 It's that time of year...time for all the holiday related threads. Background: Dh is the youngest of four siblings, all who live locally. FIL passed away earlier this year (Dh's Mom died before we were married). Before this year Thanksgiving was a big traditional dinner at FIL's house. We all had our niche things we cooked, FIL paid for it all (by his own request). I'm an only child and my parents are invited and usually attend. We often have other guests as well. It's been a tough year for the family since FIL passed away. The sibs have been figuring out how to handle his estate and I think they've come through it ok but there have been some hurt feelings and a lot of long family meetings. This year, SIL requested that we celebrate Thanksgiving on Nov 5th to accommodate her college daughters (plane fares were much cheaper to come home now than the real Thanksgiving weekend). We said sure. SIL asked if we could have the dinner at 6 pm to accommodate her son's football game. We said ok, even though 6 pm really is going to mean eating at 6:30 or 7 and with a big long meal is going to be getting a little late for our kids. We are celebrating at the family house, which SIL and BIL (sibs, not married) are currently living in along with SIL's son. It's complicated as the house is currently being bought by another SIL...all that to say it's not really anyone's house right now. It's still the family house. Because of the change in date my parents are not coming and we are not inviting any other guests. I wrote to see what I could bring. I expected based on past years when we've organized or someone else has organized to be told "a side and a dessert" or general directions. Or something like "we love your pumpkin cake, can you bring that." Instead, SIL gave a very precise menu and asked us to bring three things, one of which I've never made before. She then included at the bottom of the email a note about "save your receipts and we can count family members and divide the costs". I find this kind of annoying. In my mind, if you are planning the meal and inviting people to your home and deciding the time and the day you don't also ask them to pay. For one thing it gets complicated....does my 2 yr old count the same as the 16 yr old boy? I don't like half the dishes on her menu and it includes one thing my son is allergic to. I guess I'd be ok with either having the menu assigned but being responsible for what we are responsible for, or being told to bring whatever we want and then split the costs but not both. In the end, I believe family relationships are more important that all this and that holiday drama isn't worth it. I'm more posting because I know I have a tendency to get upset by dh's family when I shouldn't be. I don't want to be petty but it still annoys me. So I'm posting to see what others think. Would this bother you? Who pays in your family? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Everyone pays for the dishes they bring -- but no one gives them a detailed list of exactly what to bring like that either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 In my family, sometimes people bring things. I make most of the food. Each person pays for what they bring, and that is it. The subject of paying for the food has never come up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 You know what? It's been a stressful year, and I'm guessing the estate isn't settled. No one is back to normal yet. I'd pipe down* and go with the flow. It's odd and not fair to you, but I would just endure. It's one night. But, I do have an idea for holiday gifts for your BIL and SIL: Etiquette books. :) *And, if you know how mouthy and opinionated I am, you'd realize that's saying something. ;) Also, my dh is unemployed, so money is tight here. I'm still saying what I say above with that in mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 In my family, sometimes people bring things. I make most of the food. Each person pays for what they bring, and that is it. The subject of paying for the food has never come up. :iagree: I've never had an extended family meal where people contributed dishes and then divvied up cost... How is that supposed to work, anyway? You all add up receipts, then figure the cost per person, then add up your family's people, then subtract out what you already paid, then contribute the difference? Pay each person the difference between your receipts and their receipts? Throw it all into a pool and everyone gets a cut? Insane. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) Do you mean she's giving you specific recipes to make? Or just saying that you should bring stuffing or something like that? I could see wanting to be sure that you don't assign three people side dishes and end up with three mashed potatoes. This is how it would work in my pretty happy, functional family: Person in the family who is good at organizing this type of thing would call around and see who's coming. At the same time, she would get a vague idea of if there's something specific you want to bring. Most people would say something along the lines of, "whatever would be most helpful to you (the organizer) and the host." She would make up a list of different categories and assign them people keeping in mind the type of things they like to make and previously expressed desires to cook specific things. People would be assigned things like green vegetables, potatoes, stuffing, or dessert. The host would probably get assigned the turkey/gravy, and families would probably chip in a couple dollars to help offset the cost. They would probably be expected to spend the least on food since they have the hassle of hosting. Other than a few dollars for turkey, everyone would just pay for what they brought. If it's known that money is tight for a specific family, the organizer may assign them something less expensive. Other family members would be happy to spend an "extra" $4 or $5 so that dinner wouldn't be a hardship on them. Everyone would thank the host and the person who took the time and energy to organize. It's not a fun job. Edited October 31, 2011 by Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennsmile Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 :eek: We bring what we are asked to bring and count it a blessing to be together. We don't tally up the cost of the meal and divide it by people. Crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) To answer your question, in our family, the home hosting the get together often did the main course (usually a meat and and potato dish) and everyone else brought the sides. The home doing the hosting absorbed the cost of what they provided, and everyone else paid for what they brought to share. On my family's side, we rotated host homes because that option existed. On dh's we did that on occasion, but for many years my MIL was the matriarch and we all enjoyed gathering at her home, the one with the room for the grandkids to run around and play, so my MIL and FIL, who did not lack for funds, paid for the main dish. However, all of us in the younger generation made sure that many of the projects that they needed done got taken care of so, they wouldn't have to hire repair people, tree trimming, yard work, painting, etc. Overall, it was a nice, reciprocal, family working together scene. In your situation, just after the death of a family member, may I give you some gentle advice? This time is so stressful on everyone, and there are so many things which have the potential to "go south." If you love these people and they are generally good to you and to one another, and if you want them to stay in your lives and be *family* for your kids, please overlook the tackiness of the email. There are enough big things that will be rough to iron out, that extending grace in this little detail would be the right thing to do. If it were my choice, I'd email back, copying everyone, and say that I'm glad to bring x and y, but would someone mind trading z with me, as I've never made it before, and I'm not sure I could pull it off to everyone's satisfaction. Finally, I'd add that since ds is allergic to dish f, I'll also be bringing a dish of g which he can eat. (If he is deathly allergic to it, or it is something that can be airborne, you might have to ask someone to trade on that dish as well.) Then, if you feel like rocking the boat just a wee bit in the direction of setting a precedent for generosity among the family members, you could add that you are uncomfortable with exchanging receipts. While you are glad to pitch in on the cost of the main dish and will contribute $xx toward that, you will not be bringing your receipts, and that you consider the cost of the dishes that you bring to be your part in pulling together in love as a family. Would that work? Edited October 31, 2011 by Valerie(TX) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 First, sorry for your loss. :grouphug: We just brought sides to our gathering and paid for those. The hostess had more $ than we did the year we had TG together. We had 7 families and the matriarch, so there was plenty to go around. I bet, since it's equally odd for people to bring things to dinner and get reimbursed by the host (your former set-up), the people in charge this year were just trying to find a way to keep that going. I think I'd call the hostess and just say that you understand and appreciate all the planning they've done, but ask if maybe you could change the one recipe (since you've never made it--offer an alternative--"Hey, do you mind if I bring X instead of Y? I've never made X and would really like to offer my best food for the party"), and then run by the idea of splitting the cost of the turkey(s) or other meats if you have turkey and ham, for example, and just having everyone eat the cost of the side dishes. If they say that's not fair, tell them it'll even up next year if they rotate who does which side dishes. "Do you think we could skip bringing the receipts, and just pay ourselves for the sides, but divvie up the cost of the main course? It just seems a bit awkward. I know you are trying to be fair, and I really appreciate that, but it doesn't bother me to spend a bit more or if someone spends a bit less for sides--it all evens up eventually. WHat do you think?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I wouldn't take receipts. I would let her know that it would be awkward and embarrassing and very out of sync with the spirit of the holidays. What a weird request. I tend to ignore ridiculous requests like that or just bluntly tell people no to them. This has taught people over time that I don't suffer foolishness gladly (or at all.) It works out for me, because they don't try foolishness on me anymore! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I've honestly never heard of splitting the costs. When I attended family dinners, you brought what you agreed to, the host (my mom) provided the main course, and that was that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I wouldn't take receipts. I tend to ignore ridiculous requests like that It works out for me, because they don't try foolishness on me anymore! :) What Lisbeth said -- I've copied how I would handle this. I would not bring the receipts -- if it was mentioned to me on Thanksgiving Day, I would say: 'Oh, you were serious? :001_huh: I thought you were being funny. :leaving:' And I would walk away. I would prepare what she had asked -- and in the case of that one dish, I would probably just substitute what you wanted to make instead and mention it beforehand or not. I would imagine that in the commotion of the day, it might not even be noticed. All in all, I'd say the hostess is a little stressed out from stuff that has nothing to do with thanksgiving -- i'd cut her a little slack, but I would not bring receipts or anything like that. As far as splitting the cost of the meal, while I haven't ever heard of this being done, I would probably figure out what my family's share was, put nice, new bills in an envelope and hand it quietly to to SIL. My dh's family would do something like this -- which is why we are never at their home for the holidays -- or any other time for that matter -- this kind of stuff makes me nuts. Do the best you can -- I think you are amazing that you haven't ripped anyone's head off at this point.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I do Thanksgiving meals my way, so I pay. If someone brings something that's great and up to them, but if I invite someone over I foot the bill and they don't have to bring anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Everyone pays for the dishes they bring -- but no one gives them a detailed list of exactly what to bring like that either. This is how we do it too. Money is never mentioned at Thanksgiving. The host home provides the meat, and everyone else brings what they like to go with it. We might hear, oh so and so is bringing whatever to avoid repeat dishes, but it is no big deal. There is no menu. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Stress is high! I would take whatever I wanted in the category of assigned foods or assigned foods and extra dishes my family would enjoy and forget my receipts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chepyl Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 We just dovide the meal and bring the food. The year I did the turkey, I paid for it. I chose to do that. BIL now makes trashcan turkey every year, I may offer to chip in so we can have a large enough turkey. Last year they bought too small of a turkey becaise of price.....34 people need a BIG turkey! Everyone pays for what we bring. I think we balance It out well between price and work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I make and pay for all our holiday meals. Never expect anyone to pay for it. But I would try to be gracious and do it this year they want to do it. However, I would give SIL a head;s up that I don't like it in a gentle way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EJCMom Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 My husband has a very large extended family. The "wealthy uncle" is, for all intents and purposes, the patriarch of the family. Thanksgiving is such a large affair (around 50-60 people) that the uncle rents an old school which is now the community center in this small community. The uncle provides the cost of the building and the turkeys (usually 3-4), and the aunt assigns the rest of the dishes to the rest of us. Over the years we've fallen into a routine where one family brings all of the pre-dinner snacks, I usually bring all the stuffing, someone else brings the decorations, etc. Everyone brings their own drinks. It has worked well for us. I think that asking people to contribute cash is sort of strange. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Each person pays for what they bring, and that is it. The subject of paying for the food has never come up. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommee & Baba Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Lately it's just been dh, myself and our kids so we foot our own bill which makes sense :) When we get together with my family we split the cost. When we get together with dh's family we split the cost with other family members. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Whoever is having the dinner at their house buys the turkey and whatever else they decide to do and parcels out the rest of the meal to the rest of the family who then purchases what they need and brings it to the dinner. We also have each family bring pop (soda!) to share with everyone so the hostess isn't stuck with that expense as well. It turns out pretty even and most people bring extra things they like so we have a LOT of food! I've never heard of dividing it all out with receipts and everything. Seems a little business-like for me I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I would not bring the receipts -- if it was mentioned to me on Thanksgiving Day, I would say: 'Oh, you were serious? :001_huh: I thought you were being funny. :leaving:' And I would walk away. Best line of the whole thread. Love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I thought the idea behind farming out some of the dishes was how people divided the costs of a huge meal. If it were me, I'd simply ditch the idea that the is Thanksgiving dinner. In my mind it would become a family reunion. The rules change. I'd even start mentioning the day as the Thanksgiving reunion hoping it would catch on. Honestly, how many people will let the actual Thanksgiving day pass without a bit of turkey and pie? They will probably split into smaller groups, or go to friends' or just have an intimate immediate family meal. As I said the rules change when the event changes. Now that I think of it as a reunion it is okay to tally costs and split them among those attending. While generally this is done for the venue since the food is usually potluck, I'd just give it a pass and let SIL be happy. Either you "owe" a few dollars more than you spent and chalk it up to family happiness or someone owes you a few bucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Everyone pays for the dishes they bring -- but no one gives them a detailed list of exactly what to bring like that either. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 [sNIP] In my mind, if you are planning the meal and inviting people to your home and deciding the time and the day you don't also ask them to pay. [sNIP] I guess I'd be ok with either having the menu assigned but being responsible for what we are responsible for, or being told to bring whatever we want and then split the costs but not both. [sNIP] :iagree: Since this is the first year of doing things differently with FIL gone, you will be setting a precedent for all future years. Put your foot down and let her know what is acceptable. I'd email/call and let her know you will be making and bringing a side and dessert, specifically what they are (hopefully two of the things she requested from you). I'd also let her know that since you were invited as a guest to her house at her date and time you won't be paying for the rest of the meal. It's just plain rude to expect your dinner guests to pay for the meal. If that doesn't work for her, let her know you'll be coming over to see the girls but not staying for dinner. Then, have your own Thanksgiving dinner at your house on Thanksgiving and invite her, ask her to bring one dish, but don't expect her to pay for the rest. And invite your parents too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairyMom Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Not only would I not bring a receipt for my costs, I would not make a dish my child was allergic to. If you can make a substitute you like then tell her when you come, "I wasn't sure if you knew my child was allergic to XYZ since you asked me to make it, but I made this instead." No sane woman can argue with a mama making a substitute dish for a child with allergies. Good Luck. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 This would bug me too, but I think I'd just go with the flow and try and have a good attitude about it, especially this first year. My guess is that the SIL who is is planning it is not really thinking of herself as the hostess, but simply as the one stepping in to help plan since the hosts are no longer there. My in-laws are like this, EXTREMELY organized and business-like, some more than others, and one in particular will always want to make sure everything is very equal. It does drive me crazy sometimes, but it's only for special events, and once we get beyond the organizing part -- as long as we all keep a good attitude about it -- it turns out okay. I think you could let her know that you will be substituting one of your own favorites/specialties with one on the suggested menu, however. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Since I've been married we have had Thanksgiving at either my house or my mom's. Who ever hosts is responsible for the meal, but if it is at my house Mom will bring pie, salad, etc. She doesn't have to but does anyhow. If we go to her house, we will take a turkey. All ladies present will help cook. Our situation is a bit different in that we have a 7 hour drive. The visiting family has the travel expenses. I can't imagine trying to split costs, though. Even if we lived next door each would give what and how they could and nobody would even count the cost of the meal.:confused: But then we don't do fancy, elaborate meals either. Turkey, potatoes, corn and applesauce from the freezer, cranberry salad, rolls, and pie for desert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) I do Thanksgiving meals my way, so I pay. If someone brings something that's great and up to them, but if I invite someone over I foot the bill and they don't have to bring anything. :iagree:100% Bottles of wine are always welcome. :D Yes, it would bother me to be in your shoes. :grouphug: I'm guessing that if SIL is asking to have Thanksgiving so early for financial reasons, money is tight for her. Perhaps the way she has divided the menu has her taking the lion's share of expenses? If so, she needs to divide it differently, so that everything is equitable. I think everyone's financial contribution should be what they bring, period. Asking for receipts and assigning recipes beyond the generic category or what a person is "famous" for is bizarre. Honestly, though, I would have bristled at having it so early in the month and so late in the day (and I'm someone who frequently celebrates holidays early or late because of the Army). Edited October 31, 2011 by Alte Veste Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 That's ridiculous. I've never heard of gathering the receipts to split the cost. What if somebody felt like going all out and using gourmet ingredients? Should they feel like they can't do that? I would email back saying, "no" in some sort of tactful way. There's no reason that some over-controlling person should be allowed to stress everyone else out on Thanksgiving. The menu thing sounds like the infamous Thanksgiving Letter. Everybody pays for whatever they bring. The end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 That's ridiculous. I've never heard of gathering the receipts to split the cost. What if somebody felt like going all out and using gourmet ingredients? Should they feel like they can't do that? :lol: No kidding! The ingredients for my stuffing alone probably come to more than $20. I can't imagine most people (including DH, who grew up on Stove Top for Thanksgiving!) would be thrilled to split the expense of that! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 What Lisbeth said -- I've copied how I would handle this. I would not bring the receipts -- if it was mentioned to me on Thanksgiving Day, I would say: 'Oh, you were serious? :001_huh: I thought you were being funny. :leaving:' And I would walk away. I would prepare what she had asked -- and in the case of that one dish, I would probably just substitute what you wanted to make instead and mention it beforehand or not. I would imagine that in the commotion of the day, it might not even be noticed. All in all, I'd say the hostess is a little stressed out from stuff that has nothing to do with thanksgiving -- i'd cut her a little slack, but I would not bring receipts or anything like that. As far as splitting the cost of the meal, while I haven't ever heard of this being done, I would probably figure out what my family's share was, put nice, new bills in an envelope and hand it quietly to to SIL. My dh's family would do something like this -- which is why we are never at their home for the holidays -- or any other time for that matter -- this kind of stuff makes me nuts. Do the best you can -- I think you are amazing that you haven't ripped anyone's head off at this point.:D :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/ you have to read this.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Well, when I'm hosting dinner at my house, my dh and I pay for everything. I might ask others to bring drinks or an appetizer (which they pay for), but I'm pretty picky about the meal itself, so I make it all. When it's the year for my dh's extended family gathering, we are all given an assignment. Mine is always pie (no one else bakes much, lol). I'm never told what kind or given any recipes. We all pay for our own contribution and that's the end of it. Given your family's unusual circumstances this year, I'd let it go. But next year......:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parker Martin Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I would address this now. This is the type of thing that makes people build up resentment every year and eventually leads to families not getting together. If you nip it in the bud, you will have greater family harmony in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 If you're going to bring all that she asked you to bring, you could say something like, "You know, I'll bring what you requested but there's no need to figure it out evenly. I don't expect to be reimbursed" or something like that. In our family, you take what you can because you want to but you don't expect to be reimbursed for it. A Thanksgiving meal can be costly for just one person to foot the bill, which is why I think many members of a family should contribute in the way of bringing food and/or drink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virg Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/ you have to read this.... WOW!!! That is all I have to say to that link! I agree with PPs, just forget the receipts :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leav97 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 :lol: No kidding! The ingredients for my stuffing alone probably come to more than $20. I can't imagine most people (including DH, who grew up on Stove Top for Thanksgiving!) would be thrilled to split the expense of that! :lol: recipe please :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Whoever is having the dinner at their house buys the turkey and whatever else they decide to do and parcels out the rest of the meal to the rest of the family who then purchases what they need and brings it to the dinner. We also have each family bring pop (soda!) to share with everyone so the hostess isn't stuck with that expense as well. This is most like what we do, except that we travel from out of town. We travel for Thanksgiving but not Christmas. I ask if I can bring something and am usually told no. Same thing at Christmas. The travel time is about 4 hours. This year with MIL health, we have to go up there. I'm really really hoping dh can talk his father into ordering everything from a grocery store so all we have to do is heat it up. MIL will not be able to cook. I don't mind cooking but a big meal in a house that I don't know where to find anything? The rest of the weekend we'll cook though. Just not the big meal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I think the other relatives need let off the hook about the receipts, as well. Could you call one of the others and say, "I appreciate Sally for putting this all together, but I'm not going to bring any receipts or anything. Her email sounded like she's concerned about affording Thanksgiving, so I'm just going to give her $X to help cover the rest of the dinner. For future dinners, I'd prefer the old-fashioned style of considering everybody's side dishes and beverages to be contribution enough, but I'm happy to help out with money if that's what's needed this year." Then the other relative will say, "I'm glad you said it first. Yes, I'd rather do that, too." After the notion works its way through the family phone tree, the most tactful among you can inform Sally that it just seems simpler all around for everybody to bring their side dishes and some cash toward the rest of the costs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 She then included at the bottom of the email a note about "save your receipts and we can count family members and divide the costs". For an annual holiday? That's odd. My husband's family did this once, but it was for FIL's 80th birthday which included lobster, filet and $40 bottles of wine. We would never split the cost if not for a more significant event. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Everyone pays for the dishes they bring -- but no one gives them a detailed list of exactly what to bring like that either. :iagree: dh sends an e-mail out the begining of Nov, with a list of "traditional" items and asking who wants to do what. Then if someone wants to do something completely different, they can add it to the list with their name. (and if there is something the majority want off the list, that gets said too.) Everyone pays for their own item. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Our family dynamic is not what you would call entirely functional. How it works for us is we host and get it catered. We also foot the bill. In our family everyone is okay with this arrangement. We have been at family functions where cost was somewhat divided, but that was more family reunion type things and generally known ahead of time. Thanksgiving dinner in your situation. Hmm. I'd probably either go as asked and be prepared to pay up *this year* or regretfully decline. Then I'd make it clear, as gently as possible, how you would either host next year or wouldn't be able to make it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beccad777 Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Not only would I not bring a receipt for my costs, I would not make a dish my child was allergic to. If you can make a substitute you like then tell her when you come, "I wasn't sure if you knew my child was allergic to XYZ since you asked me to make it, but I made this instead." No sane woman can argue with a mama making a substitute dish for a child with allergies. Good Luck. :grouphug: :iagree: I would not bring anything my child was allergic to. That is crazy! And I thought that everyone bringing something WAS splitting the cost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Just to clarify, the OP wasn't asked to make something her son is allergic to. It is just something that was on the menu. Still, she would end up splitting the cost for it if they do things according to SIL's plans. recipe please :) I don't want to hijack so I'm starting a new thread about holiday recipes. :) Yeah, now that you mention it, my grandmother always asked me to bring a lasagna and a pan of eggplant parm. That's a heck of a lot more expensive (not to mention more work) than a turkey. Our gatherings are super mega buffets. :D Yes, that would definitely be more work than a turkey! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 When we host Thanksgiving, we pay. When the IL's host, they pay. Usually we pay for dinner the night before or vice versa - but that's usually pizza and salad or something. I agree with others that you should really object, but in a polite way. Ask if you can switch. Ask if instead of a specific dish, you can make something in that same category. I wouldn't mind being assigned "the green vegetable" or "the potatoes," you know? Maybe you can say something like, "You know, I have a great recipe for scalloped potatoes so I'm going to bring that instead of the mashed potatoes you suggested. Mine always come out too lumpy anyway!" Or something along those lines. And I would also try to politely object to divvying up the receipts. Like someone else said, say it's not in the spirit of the holidays and begin by saying that you're happy to pay for the dishes you're bringing and wonder if you can all just agree to do the same. Why must there be family drama? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 My waistline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'd be inclined not to make waves in light of the circumstances, but I also doubt I could bring myself to tally my receipts, lol. What I would probably do is feel out someone who is trustworthy and likely to feel the same, and agree on an approach. For example, saying you didn't keep your receipts and aren't worried about, but would be glad to toss a few bucks in the pot. The second person should be there ready to chime in with the same response. As far as 'assigned' dishes, I'd probably make whatever I wanted that was in the spirit of the assignment. I'd only bring it up ahead of time if I knew one of the dishes was special in some way, like an old family recipe that shouldn't be changed or substituted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Everyone pays for the dishes they bring -- but no one gives them a detailed list of exactly what to bring like that either. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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