annandatje Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 How do you feel about these in general? Years ago, when a sibling changed from a planned local wedding to one at a beach resort far away, my family could not afford the lodging and airfare for six people. No problem. She and our family understood and were gracious about it. End of story. But it gets much more complicated when the groom's family is divided on the matter. My viewpoint is that it is the couples' wedding, so they should do whatever makes them happy. This couple will understand if anyone cannot attend due to finances, scheduling conflicts or career constraints. They want to keep it simple. Because of bickering and pressure from his family, they are now considering marrying privately at the honeymoon destination without guests. However, they are concerned about his family's potential hurt feelings. I am on board with whatever the couple wants to do. Actually I think it is a grand idea to spend your wedding budget on the honeymoon trip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
9763653 Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I think destination weddings are great for couples who want a wedding for just the two of them! Expecting everyone to come to an expensive location is unrealistic in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 How do you feel about these in general? Years ago, when a sibling changed from a planned local wedding to one at a beach resort far away, my family could not afford the lodging and airfare for six people. No problem. She and our family understood and were gracious about it. End of story. But it gets much more complicated when the groom's family is divided on the matter. My viewpoint is that it is the couples' wedding, so they should do whatever makes them happy. This couple will understand if anyone cannot attend due to finances, scheduling conflicts or career constraints. They want to keep it simple. Because of bickering and pressure from his family, they are now considering marrying privately at the honeymoon destination without guests. However, they are concerned about his family's potential hurt feelings. I am on board with whatever the couple wants to do. Actually I think it is a grand idea to spend your wedding budget on the honeymoon trip. I agree that a wedding is mainly for the couple. But what about the parents? I would be very disappointed if one of my daughters got married and I couldn't afford to be there. Or even a brother/sister. So I can see where his family might have hurt feelings. Why not have a simple (inexpensive) local ceremony, and spend money on the honeymoon? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 a couple can get married wherever they want. if they want their extended-family/family to attend, they will choose somewhere close enough it will not require financial hardship to attend. if they insist on someplace far away, they have no right to complain their families see it as not being interested in having their family with them. dh has had niece's (their mothers live here.) and a nephew (his wife's family also lives here.) choose to marry far away, only their immediate families were in attendance. that was their choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandra in FL Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Dh and I eloped as he does not like fusses (we've never had a birthday party for any of our dc). I regret that my parents/brothers did not attend. My father never got to throw a big to-do as neither of my brothers married. A relatively inexpensive wedding with finger food in your church's hall is a nice compromise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 A couple choosing a destination wedding has to realize that if there's anyone in particular who they REALLY want to be there, they need to be willing to pick up the bill. Sure, they can invite guests expecting the guest to pick up their own travel and accommodations, but have to be prepared for, 'Oh, that sounds lovely, we'll see you when you get back!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I would respect whatever the couple wanted. That said, it would be sad if CLOSE relatives could not make it (if they were invited and wanted to). I think travel expenses (all things being perfect) for siblings, siblings' spouses, and parents trip should be considered part of the wedding budget if one of those relatives could not afford to come. Notice I did not include sibling's children. Kiddos can stay at home with a relative or a good friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessieC Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 We had one and mailed invites, but we certainly didn't expect anyone to come--we just wanted them to know they were welcome. About 18 people did end up coming, and we had the most wonderful and memorable week together. The whole group still has a connection nine years later, though some of them didn't know each other before the trip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jayb842 Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 My cousin is doing a destintion wedding. I would love to go but it during a time when we have all three kids. We were planning a big trip to Boston. It's sad my uncle died a few years ago and my dad was very close to him. I'm not sure he can go. We had a destination wedding but it was somewhere between my family and his. We paid for hotel rooms more most of our family. It was an awesome wedding. We just wanted family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susann Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I think destination weddings are great for couples who want a wedding for just the two of them! Expecting everyone to come to an expensive location is unrealistic in my opinion. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I think destination weddings are great for couples who want a wedding for just the two of them! Expecting everyone to come to an expensive location is unrealistic in my opinion. :iagree:If one wants to have a family wedding, then they should have it somewhere that most family would be able to get to without extravagant expense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 :iagree:If one wants to have a family wedding, then they should have it somewhere that most family would be able to get to without extravagant expense. :iagree: My eldest brother had a destination wedding. My parents were hurt and upset that they couldn't afford to attend, and my brother didn't do anything (reception, party, whatever) when they got back. Reality is, they didn't want the hassle and nonsense and expense of a wedding, and that was their way around it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Depends so much on the destination (a pretty but affordable inn at the beach or in the mountains vs. Hawaii or Thailand or Greece...), the income of the expected attendees, the family's attitude and expectations, the couple's attitude about whether or not it's mandatory that people shell out and pay for it... In the end, I think the couple should be happy and do what they like, as long as they don't bully people into feeling bad if they can't come along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I don't understand a destination wedding. Seems to me you get married close to home and then make your honeymoon the destination. "Understanding" that friends and relatives can't make just doesn't make it right to me. If friends and family are difficult, you can still have a small private wedding and then go away for the honeymoon. Happily, I don't have to worry about it--both dds are married and settled, and I'm certainly not getting married. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tabrizia Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Depends so much on the destination (a pretty but affordable inn at the beach or in the mountains vs. Hawaii or Thailand or Greece...), the income of the expected attendees, the family's attitude and expectations, the couple's attitude about whether or not it's mandatory that people shell out and pay for it... In the end, I think the couple should be happy and do what they like, as long as they don't bully people into feeling bad if they can't come along. :iagree: It also depends on where family is located. Sometimes a destination wedding makes sense, since everyone has to travel for the wedding anyway. Like if one set of parents live in Florida, one set live in Washington, and the couple getting married lives in Ohio, plus their siblings live in Nebraska, North Dakota and New Hampshire. There is really no good choice for a non-destination wedding, since even if the wedding is in Ohio, well it is still a destination for all the family but the couple. If everyone has to travel anyways, having the wedding in South Carolina rather then Ohio doesn't really change much for everyone invited. As long as the couple understands that some people won't be able to make it, I really have no issue with a destination wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I think for some couples, avoiding a big wedding with the extended family is part of the beauty of a destination wedding. At the same time, if it means that one set of parents can not afford to travel, it seems very selfish to me in many cases. I think it's easy when you are young to think, "it's our big day, we should only consider our own desires." When the bride is older she may realize that she robbed her elderly grandparents of something they waited years to see. Or the groom may realize that he humiliated his parents with the reality of their limited travel budget. It will be too late then. I think destination weddings are great in the right circumstances, but I just think a bride and groom do have to remember that culturally, the wedding isn't just about them. It's about their parents and grandparents hitting a major milestone, cheating death, seeing something bear fruit. It's hard to understand that when you are young and have been raised with less of a sense of your own place and duty within a family. But even in a very modern, detached family, those expectations may be there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I'm having a destination wedding, but no one is invited. We'll be sending announcements after the big day. It's not the first marriage for either of us,though. I guess if it were that would make a difference for me. I suppose if weddings are important to your family (attending them, I mean) and you have a destination wedding you should either be prepared to foot part of the bill for those for whom it is most important to you that they attend, or they should agree to it before you book it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 I tend to think that a wrdding isn't really just about the couple in most cases. If they feel themselves as part of a family that supports their marriage and family life, helps with the kids, made them who they are, then it is about family and friends. And it is about two families becoming one family. OTOH, a lot of times the expectations and drama around weddings is so foolish I totally understand why people would want to just avoid it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 (edited) How do you feel about these in general? Years ago, when a sibling changed from a planned local wedding to one at a beach resort far away, my family could not afford the lodging and airfare for six people. No problem. She and our family understood and were gracious about it. End of story. But it gets much more complicated when the groom's family is divided on the matter. My viewpoint is that it is the couples' wedding, so they should do whatever makes them happy. This couple will understand if anyone cannot attend due to finances, scheduling conflicts or career constraints. They want to keep it simple. Because of bickering and pressure from his family, they are now considering marrying privately at the honeymoon destination without guests. However, they are concerned about his family's potential hurt feelings. I am on board with whatever the couple wants to do. Actually I think it is a grand idea to spend your wedding budget on the honeymoon trip. I agree with you 100%. It's up to the couple, but they need to be understanding if people can't attend. Even very close family. I think if the groom's family wanted to have something, maybe they could host a reception when the couple gets back and invite whoever they want? If they're not offering to host something or contribute significant funds to a local event, I don't think they even have a right to comment. I understand a family could be disappointed. I felt like our *HUGE* wedding did not totally belong to me. But I am my parents only daughter and I knew it would be a big deal to my mom to do a "real" wedding. However, it was my husband's 2nd marriage (1st was short and no kids involved), so I almost felt like the wedding hoopla was a burden to DH's family. I would have still done a local wedding though on a considerably smaller scale. We had an all out 3+ week overseas honeymoon though, so that was great! If I would have had to pick one or the other, I think I would have went with the big honeymoon. Edited October 29, 2011 by kck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosy Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Call me old fashioned, but I don't think the wedding is "all about the couple". IMO, a wedding is a public ceremony celebrating the covenant made uniting of two lives. I feel that weddings should include family, close friends, and the couple's faith community. I understand that family drama can complicate things, but I don't think escaping the drama by having a wedding in a different location is a good solution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 I'm having a destination wedding, but no one is invited. We'll be sending announcements after the big day. It's not the first marriage for either of us,though. I guess if it were that would make a difference for me. I suppose if weddings are important to your family (attending them, I mean) and you have a destination wedding you should either be prepared to foot part of the bill for those for whom it is most important to you that they attend, or they should agree to it before you book it. Congratulations! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 totally agree---destination weddings are great--and it's good they understand that not everyone can attend for whatever reasons...we had one in pigeon forge,tn and noone from dh's family came-and only a few of my brothers/sisters came....and we were ok with it-- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Personally, I just can't understand why anyone would want to invite their parents and others along on her honeymoon. But then, if a couple has already been living together, a honeymoon just not what it used to be for. Anyway, OP, you may want to do a board search if you'd like a lot more opinions. This has been discussed here before (oh, and of course it's okay to ask again, I just mean you'll be able to read even more thoughts on the matter by looking at more responses). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I think destination weddings are ridiculous, in general, but if that is where the couple wants to get married, then it is their wedding and they should get married where they want. However, I think that if you choose to have a destination wedding and you even dare to get snotty or pissy with anyone who can't come, can't afford to come, or just plain doesn't want to come to your choice of locale, then you are a pretentious, spoiled, little jacka$$. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Call me old fashioned, but I don't think the wedding is "all about the couple". IMO, a wedding is a public ceremony celebrating the covenant made uniting of two lives. I feel that weddings should include family, close friends, and the couple's faith community. I understand that family drama can complicate things, but I don't think escaping the drama by having a wedding in a different location is a good solution. Really? My nephew and his wife had a destination wedding far enough away that even his parents couldn't attend. You know why? Because his divorced parents behave so embarassingly bad when in a room together that the thought of an entire day with them made my nephew and his bride have anxiety attacks! That's how bad mt brother and his ex are. I don't begrudge the couple choosing to get married in peace. I wouldn't wish that drama on anyone on their wedding day because it is all about the bride and groom. They are making the covenant with each other. It's only been in the last 50 years that wedding ceremonies being witnessed by more than one or two people besides the preacher or magistrate has become the norm for anyone but royalty and the wealthy. I know too many people that have divorced parents, attention seeking siblings that love nothing more than to literally sabotage special days, etc. I know people who cannot go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving because of the bad behavior of extended family. I know a LOT of people with family members like this. I would never be able to say that on their wedding day of all days, they should put up with that. So, I guess my experience has been completely different. My own wedding was a nightmare between badly behaved groomsmen, an even worse behaved jerk of a pastor, and some of dh's relatives who walked through the reception hall after it was set up and decided they liked "another way better" and rearranged things so much that there wasn't room for all of the guests to have a place to sit during the reception! :001_huh: Nope, if I had it to do all over again, we'd go to the ends of the earth and get married in peace! :001_smile: Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
honeymommy4 Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I think destination weddings are great for couples who want a wedding for just the two of them! Expecting everyone to come to an expensive location is unrealistic in my opinion. exactly my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 In my ever so HUMBLE opinion, I think destination weddings are selfish. It's an 'all about us' dynamic that I get tired of. The couple has the next 65 years to celebrate their anniversary in a romantic, exotic locale. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Perhaps some families should be glad the couple are getting married at all. They could have chosen not to. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I think destination weddings have their place... There has been a LOT (as in a lot, a lot, a lot) of stress in our family among the siblings and with my ex, who was an abusive dad to the daughter who got married. In our situation, a destination with just some of the relatives was a most beautiful event. Drama free. Lovely. We'd do it this way again! When I remarried, we did a simple justice of the peace type thing with my mil and her best friend... And we hosted a LOVELY reception for family where I wore a beautiful wedding dress, dh wore a tux, there were lovely father-daughter, mother-son and husband-wife dances. No... it wasn't like we'd spoken our vows before everyone... seems like a bit more fuss now that I look back on it... but, it also had it's place in my life. My favorite memories of the day were the gorgeous shoes I found (clearance!) to go with my dress... and wearing a gorgeous princess dress.... and eating at the bride and groom table with the lovelies dishes you can imagine... Anyway.... I think you should go with your hearts... Just my humble 2 shiny pennies... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CookIslandsMommy Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Rarotonga, The Cook Islands, where we live is a very popular wedding destination. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 What constitutes a destination wedding? Dh and I met when we both lived far from our families (and those families lived on opposite sides of the country). We decided to have our wedding somewhere in the middle and somewhere that was nice. Only close family made it but we didn't know what else to do. I hope no one thinks we were selfish but there was no way we could make everyone happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosy Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Really? My nephew and his wife had a destination wedding far enough away that even his parents couldn't attend. You know why? Because his divorced parents behave so embarassingly bad when in a room together that the thought of an entire day with them made my nephew and his bride have anxiety attacks! That's how bad mt brother and his ex are. I don't begrudge the couple choosing to get married in peace. I wouldn't wish that drama on anyone on their wedding day because it is all about the bride and groom. They are making the covenant with each other. It's only been in the last 50 years that wedding ceremonies being witnessed by more than one or two people besides the preacher or magistrate has become the norm for anyone but royalty and the wealthy. I know too many people that have divorced parents, attention seeking siblings that love nothing more than to literally sabotage special days, etc. I know people who cannot go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving because of the bad behavior of extended family. I know a LOT of people with family members like this. I would never be able to say that on their wedding day of all days, they should put up with that. So, I guess my experience has been completely different. My own wedding was a nightmare between badly behaved groomsmen, an even worse behaved jerk of a pastor, and some of dh's relatives who walked through the reception hall after it was set up and decided they liked "another way better" and rearranged things so much that there wasn't room for all of the guests to have a place to sit during the reception! :001_huh: Nope, if I had it to do all over again, we'd go to the ends of the earth and get married in peace! :001_smile: Faith I get that. Relatives suck sometimes. I would have no problem leaving the obnoxious ones off the guest list if it came down to that. But this idea that someone's wedding should be the happiest day of his/her life is not necessarily something I agree with. Joyous? Yes. And I understand that people can interfere with that. Personally, my happy day was the day after my wedding. My wedding was lovely, but my dress didn't fit, people were rushing me through pictures because the cake was about to topple over, and the reception hall was way too small and crowded. But the next day I got to take off for a week alone with my best friend, where we could do whatever we wanted. I would never begrudge someone a destination wedding. But I will teach my daughters and son that they need to get married with us present, and our families and church(es). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Realistic expectations and thick skin are key. A couple can choose whatever they like, but if what they choose is not within the budget and schedule of people they want there, the couple isn't allowed to be upset, offended, or hurt when someone can't attend. No snarky comments, no pity parties, no whining of any kind. Do not speak but forever hold your peace. There's no point in creating conflict over it. If a loved one chooses a destination wedding and knows your financial situation won't allow you to be there, you have to choose not to take it personally. It isn't a measure of your relationship. It's not about you being slighted or hurt. It is what it is, and they still love you just the same. Choose not be upset, offended, or hurt when you can't attend. No snarky comments, no pity parties, no whining of any kind. Do not speak but forever hold your peace. There's no point in creating conflict over it. Far too much focus is spent on weddings in general and not enough gravity is spent on marriage anyway. It's the weight of the commitment that really matters and that's between the couple in their marriage. It's nice if they allow loved ones to attend a symbolic ceremony at the beginning of their marriage, but if they don't, it's no big deal. They're just as married if they commit to each other on a beach in an exotic location, in a place of worship, or in a court house. If only one stranger or a hoard of relatives attends they're just as married and they still love all their loved ones just the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Dh and I eloped as he does not like fusses (we've never had a birthday party for any of our dc). I regret that my parents/brothers did not attend. My father never got to throw a big to-do as neither of my brothers married. A relatively inexpensive wedding with finger food in your church's hall is a nice compromise. How can you compare a wedding to a birthday party for a child? I know many, many people do not have birthday parties for their kids but to say the "fuss" of a wedding and the "fuss" of a birthday party are comparable doesn't make sense to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LazyDazy Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I think they are wonderful. If I could have a do-over that is exactly what we would have done. Although, maybe I should call it eloping because I am not so sure that I would have invited guests. Either way, our wedding was a total let down due to family issues. I was also overwhelmed with all the wedding gifts that we received, it was just too much. The focus seemed to be on all the details of making sure everything was taken care of and that all potential family issues that could be avoided were in place ahead of time. I don't remember my vows or our first dance or any special husband-wife moments.:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I think destination weddings are somewhat silly and trendy. I don't even like the name of it. However, if they want a more private ceremony, just the two of them, then I think it's fine. If they want family and friends included, then they should consider what would be feasible for most people. That said, my own daughter is getting married in Costa Rica in December! ha ha :) But, it's not her choice. Her fiance is Costa Rican, and cannot get a visa to come here, so they must get married down there. Our own family is going, but that's about it from the US. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate CA Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 However, I think that if you choose to have a destination wedding and you even dare to get snotty or pissy with anyone who can't come, can't afford to come, or just plain doesn't want to come to your choice of locale, then you are a pretentious, spoiled, little jacka$$. :lol: Yep! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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