I just flipped out. Oh, man....(Warning: Same stuff, different day)

[AlmiraGulch]

Had yet another lying episode from my 15 year old. I've had it. I kicked her out of the house. Told her to get out and not come back until she had an honest answer for the very simple question I'd asked her instead of the lie she decided to tell.

 

I have no idea where she is right now. I suppose wandering the neighborhood (we're in a safe, suburban place) but that's all I know.

 

Now I'm a little worried, although I know she's fine. The weather is warm, it isn't raining, it's light out, but of course thinking it probably wasn't the best course of action to take. I've tried everything else. I'm desperate.

 

I just found out that when I was out of the country last week she did NO school work at all. Didn't even login to the system. Meanwhile, her father was charting manufactured attendance in the system every day. He never even looked to see if she'd done a single assignment, nor did he respond to any of the emails from any of her teachers or administrators asking why she wasn't in class. She's so far behind, again, I don't know how she'll catch up. I'm back to almost taking away the one thing she does outside of the home (one day a week for 4 hours) which is literally the only thing she does outside the home. She gets a lot of joy and satisfaction from it, which is good for an Aspie, but is it right to let her stay when she is failing all but two courses (one of them borderline) and continues to lie about it?

 

I'm weary. And I'm sorry for the broken record posts. And I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for giving me a place to talk about it, because I have no one else.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like whatever I do it's the wrong thing. This isn't meant in any way to be a pity party but a statement of fact. My child is failing and I don't know how to help her. I'm failing as a parent. Again....it's just a fact, and she's the one suffering and I'm at a complete loss for how to fix it.

[Parrothead]

You need to go find her and then you need to sign the lot of you up for family counseling. If you can't afford it, there may be services available from the county health department.

[AlmiraGulch]

Yes, Chucki. I believe you are correct on both points. I'm going to find her now.

[Guest IdahoMtnMom]

You need to go find her and then you need to sign the lot of you up for family counseling. If you can't afford it, there may be services available from the county health department.

 

:iagree:

[MeghanL]

I agree with Chucki. There seem to be some bigger issues here (maybe you already mentioned them, I haven't researched your profile name). But dad seems to have manufactured quite the fib himself by not holding her accountable in your absence, yet marking her in attendance anyway.

[Parrothead]

Yes, Chucki. I believe you are correct on both points. I'm going to find her now.

Good luck. I pray that eventually you and your dd will have a wonderful relationship. :grouphug:

[MHowell]

Good luck. I pray that eventually you and your dd will have a wonderful relationship. :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[SKL]

Please check back in and let us know she's safe.

 

As much as I understand your frustration, I don't think you can expect your daughter to exhibit more integrity than her father does in her presence.

 

I agree with Chucki, also.

[jennsmile]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[hsmamainva]

Please go find her!!

 

I have 2 children on the autism spectrum (one is 17 and one is 9).

 

My 17 year old, especially, is very literal and he would believe it wholeheartedly if I told him he couldn't come home.

 

I second the recommendation of family counseling. :hugs:

[Jen500]

:grouphug:

[Aubrey]

I agree with Chucki. There seem to be some bigger issues here (maybe you already mentioned them, I haven't researched your profile name). But dad seems to have manufactured quite the fib himself by not holding her accountable in your absence, yet marking her in attendance anyway.

 

Huh. I read it as--SHE set up an automated attendance thing, so it LOOKED like she was there. Dad saw that & thought all was good but failed to look into things as much as he maybe should have. I can see *many* people making a similar mistake that, while frustrating, isn't a lie.

 

OP, :grouphug:, whatever the case. I'm glad you're going to find your dd, & I hope you find a good solution. I wish I could offer one. :grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug: Let us know when you find her

[WishboneDawn]

I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like whatever I do it's the wrong thing. This isn't meant in any way to be a pity party but a statement of fact. My child is failing and I don't know how to help her. I'm failing as a parent. Again....it's just a fact, and she's the one suffering and I'm at a complete loss for how to fix it.

 

I think it's time for a serious talk with your husband. He failed big time on this.

[Wheres Toto]

I think it's time for a serious talk with your husband. He failed big time on this.

 

:iagree: Even if it was the dd who manufactured the attendance records, did your dh say why he ignored the emails from her teachers?

 

Is the work maybe too hard for your dd? You said she's on the spectrum, are there any learning disabilities along with that? Your signature says she's 15 and in 10th grade which would be typical, but maybe she needs to take things slower?

[elegantlion]

I think it's time for a serious talk with your husband. He failed big time on this.

 

I believe her and dh are divorced, per her single mother signature.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[MrsBasil]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

I really feel for you because I would find it miserable to be in the same house with an adult that I cannot trust. The real issue to me would be him, not her. A 15yo is going to push boundaries, it's their design. A grown man should be enforcing boundaries, IMO. I hope your dd is fine.:grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

I believe her and dh are divorced, per her single mother signature.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

Didn't notice that. :(

[Teachin'Mine]

Praying for you and your daughter. :grouphug:

 

Fix the relationship - she can always repeat a year of school if need be. :grouphug:

[Wheres Toto]

I believe her and dh are divorced, per her single mother signature.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

Whoops. That does make it different. I'm usually better at picking up on the difference between "DH" and "her father".

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: Sorry you are dealing with this behavior. Praying for your daughters safety.:grouphug:

[Parrothead]

I really hope you have found her and you guys are having a good cry together.

 

Please let us know everyone is safe.

[AlmiraGulch]

Thank you, everyone, for your words, advice and support.

 

She's home. I called her father at work and made him leave to help me find her. She'd walked to a local pizza place, in her socks, took a seat on the patio and fell asleep. She was the only one out there, and they all know her anyway so I don't think anyone questioned her being there.

 

Someone said earlier that their Autism Spectrum child would have taken the directive to leave and not come back until they had an answer that was not a lie quite literally. Apparently my daughter did also. Sometimes I forget that when she says she doesn't know why she does something it means that she really doesn't know. Man, this is so hard.

 

For those of you who don't know, I am no longer married to her father. I can't deal with him right now. He is a sorry excuse for a parent. I feel sorry for my children that I made the choice to marry him, but then again if I hadn't they wouldn't be here.

 

On another note, I spoke to her Algebra teacher tonight. She has an F in the class, only because of not turning in work for the past 6 days. If she takes away the zeros my child would have a 110% average. Clearly she knows what she's doing....she just chooses not to. Thankfully this teacher is going to let her make it all up. I'm not sure about the others. It's also worth noting that she has an A in American Literature (a class she loves) but an F in Spanish and in World History, two classes she hates. It's like if she doesn't feel it's worth her time she doesn't put in the effort. It ISN'T as if she's incapable.

 

I'm searching for family therapists now. We've each gone separately but it's high time we go together. I appreciate the advice.

[MelissaMinNC]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm glad she's okay. I hope you're able to find a good counselor. I agree with the advice to concentrate on the relationship; the coursework can be repeated if necessary.

[elegantlion]

I'm glad she's home. I wish you two all the best. :grouphug::grouphug:

Edited October 18, 2011 by elegantlion

[dragons in the flower bed]

She has an F in the class, only because of not turning in work for the past 6 days. If she takes away the zeros my child would have a 110% average. Clearly she knows what she's doing....she just chooses not to. Thankfully this teacher is going to let her make it all up. I'm not sure about the others. It's also worth noting that she has an A in American Literature (a class she loves) but an F in Spanish and in World History, two classes she hates. It's like if she doesn't feel it's worth her time she doesn't put in the effort.

 

My first thought when you said you had an Aspie completely avoiding school was that she might be painfully bored. Can you switch to a system where she can test out? Maybe CLEP?

 

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Parrothead]

I'm so very glad she is home safe. I'm also glad and hopeful now that you are going to be going to counseling together. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I know you walk a hard road. Keep walking. Things CAN get better. Keep believing and working on it. Tons of hugs to you and your dd.

Wishing you peace and rest, strength and courage. :grouphug:

[LauraGB]

I'm searching for family therapists now. We've each gone separately but it's high time we go together. I appreciate the advice.

 

Good idea.

 

You're a good Mom, Q. Know that.

 

:grouphug:

[Teachin'Mine]

So glad to hear she's home. :grouphug:

[at the beach]

Had yet another lying episode from my 15 year old. I've had it. I kicked her out of the house. Told her to get out and not come back until she had an honest answer for the very simple question I'd asked her instead of the lie she decided to tell.

 

I have no idea where she is right now. I suppose wandering the neighborhood (we're in a safe, suburban place) but that's all I know.

 

Now I'm a little worried, although I know she's fine. The weather is warm, it isn't raining, it's light out, but of course thinking it probably wasn't the best course of action to take. I've tried everything else. I'm desperate.

 

I just found out that when I was out of the country last week she did NO school work at all. Didn't even login to the system. Meanwhile, her father was charting manufactured attendance in the system every day. He never even looked to see if she'd done a single assignment, nor did he respond to any of the emails from any of her teachers or administrators asking why she wasn't in class. She's so far behind, again, I don't know how she'll catch up. I'm back to almost taking away the one thing she does outside of the home (one day a week for 4 hours) which is literally the only thing she does outside the home. She gets a lot of joy and satisfaction from it, which is good for an Aspie, but is it right to let her stay when she is failing all but two courses (one of them borderline) and continues to lie about it?

 

I'm weary. And I'm sorry for the broken record posts. And I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for giving me a place to talk about it, because I have no one else.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like whatever I do it's the wrong thing. This isn't meant in any way to be a pity party but a statement of fact. My child is failing and I don't know how to help her. I'm failing as a parent. Again....it's just a fact, and she's the one suffering and I'm at a complete loss for how to fix it.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: First, I read your update and I'm so happy she's safe. My heart broke thinking about her falling asleep at a pizza place in her socks. She is probably going through a lot herself. It sounds like you need counseling ASAP and it's good you are doing that. Good for you for trying to do what's right for her and your family.

 

As for the above, I would absolutely not take away the thing that gives her joy four hours a week. Yes, she's fifteen, but she's probably developmentally more immature if she is an Aspie even if she's academically highly capable. She may be lying for any number of reasons. She may be fearful of your reaction. She may not know what else to say or how to manage. She may not know how to do her work without a lot more direct help and hand-holding--again, even if she is highly capable. You said you were out of the country last week and she was with her dad. Maybe her dad also isn't able to help her as she needs help. I think it is definitely okay to allow her to keep the one thing in her life that she is enjoying.

 

I have a 14 yo teen. She needs me a lot as far as oversight. I can't expect her to manage her work load on her own. People procrastinate. It's human nature. I really think it's too much for most kids to expect them to stay on task when homeschooling w/o a lot of oversight. I'm sure you help her, but if you were out of the country and her dad wasn't helping, she was having to rely on herself. I've found it's too much to expect in my house with my kids. And doing more with my teen and tracking things every day is helpful.

 

Best wishes.:grouphug:

[QuirkyKapers]

I am so glad you found her:grouphug: as you figure everything out.

[Hedgehog]

I'm so sorry you're having these struggles. I do hope the family counselling works for you - I can't imagine she's any happier about where she's at than you are. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I can only imagine how stressed out I would be if I were in your shoes. I *hate* a liar, and I also would be beyond livid if my dd took a week off from school without permission.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I'm so glad you found her, and also that you made sure her father was involved in the search for her.

[AlmiraGulch]

Again, I cannot possibly thank each of you enough for taking the time to respond to me here. Most people I know IRL just do not understand. It's always "Well MY kid would do whatever I said because otherwise I'd just to XYZ." Yeah, ok. You're lucky you have perfect kids. Actually, I get that a lot from my own parents, and I've told them pretty much that....that they were lucky to have "good" kids who excelled in most things. They, however, had NO idea what we were doing when they weren't around. They would have flipped.

 

I especially appreciate being reminded that as frustrating as it is for me it is at least as much so for her. I'm sure she feels like she's constantly disappointing me (which, frankly, she does. I hate that I just said that but it's true), or that she really just doesn't know why she does the things she does. I received some very interesting feedback and information from her pediatrician a couple of weeks ago that completely made me look at my daughter in a new light. I also heard from her Algebra teacher when we spoke tonight that she was "really proud" of my kid for reaching out for help and assistance, on her own, without my prompting. I was told she was very polite and direct and communicated quite clearly and respectfully. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

 

I hope beyond all hope that I continue to learn to see all of the good things in my child. I think much of my anxiety is that I view it as a failure on my part that I haven't yet found a way to help her enough to succeed, and I hate to fail. I recognize that's my issue and not hers. I'm hoping that I can learn to be better and, through that, help her realize her own greatness and potential.

 

Wine, anyone? :o

[Laurie4b]

:grouphug::grouphug: I would absolutely not take away the thing that gives her joy four hours a week.

 

I have a 14 yo teen. She needs me a lot as far as oversight. I can't expect her to manage her work load on her own. People procrastinate. It's human nature. I really think it's too much for most kids to expect them to stay on task when homeschooling w/o a lot of oversight. I'm sure you help her, but if you were out of the country and her dad wasn't helping, she was having to rely on herself. I've found it's too much to expect in my house with my kids. And doing more with my teen and tracking things every day is helpful.

 

Best wishes.:grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree:

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: