PLEASE tell me how you deal with hormonal girls during school time!!

[HappyGrace]

I am ready to just give up homeschooling. It's that bad. :( I'm worried for our relationship, which has always been close and good.

 

11yo dd is very bright and a hard worker but no longer seems to see me as the unquestionable authority. Everything is a debate. If I say we were gone on vacation Mon-Tues so we need to work some on Sat, it's a HUGE crying screaming meltdown. There is often meltdowns, eye-rolling, etc. Will not take my suggestions, no matter how kindly I offer. I am walking on eggshells all. the. time.

 

I try sometimes to discuss or compromise, etc. But usually I just need to be able, like a teacher in school, to say-this is the assignment, this is how long you have to do it and this is how it needs to be done. And to go through and make corrections with her, which she does not like. I know she would NEVER act like this in school!!!!

 

Any discipline I try just brings angry resentment rather than a repentant heart.

 

I never knew it could all go so wrong. I'm so sad and I don't know what to do.

 

My dh is no help. He is head-in-the-sand parent when the chips are down.

 

I'm considering counseling for dd and I with a friend's pastor (objective person) before it goes even worse. Private school is an option but I'd have to work to send her so I'd prbly have to send younger ds too.

 

HOW how how do people homeschool through these years? I could really use some encouragement. Please be specific-like when they are eye-rolling or sighing, what do you do? If you're reading them a section from "The Lively Art of Writing" to illustrate a point on how to fix something in their writing and they are huffing and puffing and saying it is fine as it is-let's just MOVE on (in a superior and disrespectful tone) etc., what do you do? Her TONE is just awful. And I am trying to stay calm but she is escalating me to yelling too. HELP!!!!!

[Parrothead]

I think there is a need for a two-pronged approach. I see temper tantrums (even hormonally induced ones) as what they are: temper tantrums. They are rude and have no place in the public area of the house. If she won't go have her tantrum in the privacy of her room, just disengage and walk away with the expectation that what you've asked/told her to do will be done when she finishes behaving badly.

 

There is never going to be a time in her life that allowing her hormones to rule will be for the best. Not higher education opportunities, not in a work environment, not in an adult relationship. So she needs to learn how to control them.

 

All that to say, inappropriate behavior needs appropriate consequences no matter the age. You'll have to decide what you deem appropriate for your dd. And stick with it no matter how much she resents it.

 

But along with that you need to build your relationship with her. Part of that is treating her in a more adult manner. Another part is quality time. Still another is giving her more responsibility.

 

To use your example of needing to do work on Saturday to be able to do something else on Monday, let her come to the decision herself. Or let her decide how she wants to accomplish getting the extra work done. Would there be anything wrong with spreading the work over two weeks by doing an extra hour a day? Or how about doubling up on Wednesday and Thursday? She is the one who has to do the work, why not let it be her decision on when to do it?

 

So in a moment of calm let her know you respect her opinion and want to know how she wants to handle X. Also let her help decide what will happen if she doesn't do the work. If she decides to accomplish the task by doing X she can also decide that you need to enforce a no doing Y or extra Z as a consequence. Then she can't resent anyone but herself for not following through with X.

 

 

And don't forget that quality time - lots of quality time.

Edited October 2, 2011 by Parrothead

[Nakia]

I could have written your EXACT post from the day school started in August until the last week and a half. Just ask MamaT. She had to talk me down one day. :001_smile:

 

There have been a few things that have helped us tremendously. Number one is prayer. LOTS of it. We have been doing a lot of talking. We lie on the bed and just talk. Even if we don't particularly like each other on a certain day, I still try and put some time aside for us to talk, just the two of us. We talk about our day, how things have gone, things she has on her mind, and how we can make things better. I found out pretty fast that Anna feels put aside because her younger sisters require so much of me, and that was upsetting her. She didn't know how to tell me without sounding babyish. :( We have been spending a lot of time together away from the house too. I'm going to start trying to spend more time out with each girl, one on one, but for now I'm focusing on Anna because she needs me most at this point. Friday night I took her to prayer with me at church, and last night we went to a big teen revival event. It has been a really special weekend for the two of us.

 

So, pray, talk, and spend time with her away from school. I found that I was engaging Anna more as her teacher than her mom. My role as her mom is a lot more important than my role as her teacher. We are definitely still having our moments/days, but on the whole, things are a lot better!!

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: A bit about temper tantrums...Anna has those too. She acknowledges she has an anger problem. We've been talking a lot about dealing with that, but we don't talk about it when she is having one. It's pointless then because she can't be reasoned with. So, when she gets mean and disrespectful, she HAS to leave the room. I don't care how much she rages in her room, but the rest of us don't have to listen to or deal with it. When she calms down, she is allowed to come out. And there are consequences, not for the anger, but how she acts when angry. I'm not letting her by with calling me names or pushing her sisters.

Edited October 2, 2011 by Nakia

[AK_Mom4]

Here is how we survived the early teen years. DD17 was the poster-child for emotional, hormonal roller-coasters!

 

1. Physical Exercise

2. More Sleep

3. People who are Not Nice To Mom get to spend time alone in their room until they can be civil. Temper Tantrums are Not Nice.

4. A Contrite child can ask for a "do-over" and all is fogiven (even when I am gritting my teetch to keep from screaming).

5. Rewarding the good, ignoring the bad, do not engage - until it reaches the level of #3 above.

[Starr]

Hormones are not an excuse for rudeness. If you can't be nice you can go to your room and if you can't get your work done since you are in your room, you aren't going anywhere else. And plenty of time together hanging out, baking, shopping .... This is not a school problem. It has to be worked out where ever she schools. Hang in there and keep a sense of humor.

[PeterPan]

1. Give in and decide they're right. (It eliminates arguments, and *occasionally* they are. My dd is sitting here btw.)

 

2. Stop teaching them anything except debate. History can be debated. If it can't be debated, use a video/online course. After all, this is the age of debate.

 

3. Give up on all things that can't fit under either of those criteria. If you get through this stage peacefully, everyone says 14+ is a breeze.

 

My two cents, only in it, not through it.

 

PS. Dd adds #4. Bake more cookies. Solves everything.

 

And no, I would not have done the school on Saturday. If you provoke a kid who's now old enough to see through our unreasonableness and you get tantrums, well... ;)

[HappyGrace]

Thanks, ladies. I will take the advice of sending to her room-I think that will help a LOT so things don't escalate. And the other advice and support is great too.

 

Thanks for the encouragement that this will end-I felt a lot better that it might be ok once we hit 14 or so.

[MamaT]

I could have written your EXACT post from the day school started in August until the last week and a half. Just ask MamaT. She had to talk me down one day.QUOTE]

 

Glad to hear things are better, Nakia. It sounds like you're handling things very well! I've been praying for you.

 

I agree with the pp. You have to make your relationship the priority. She is on a hormornal roller coaster and hasn't figured out how to handle it well yet. The way I handled it with my oldest dd who is 14 and back to her wonderful self now (Praise God!), is by sending her to her room when she could not be pleasant. I also let her decide when to do her work - but she knew there would be no computer, no dance class, no nothing until it was done. When she saw I meant business, she got her work done. I also learned not to let her draw me into an emotional argument. I simply answered her in a emotionless voice and told her to go to her room until she could speak in a pleasant way to the rest of us. I learned that one after a few ridiculous spats. In my dh's words, "she was playing me like a piano."

 

I also made sure I spent a lot of one-on-one time with her. The two of us went shopping, to get our nails done, etc. without her siblings. I let her know I was listening to her.

 

This is a difficult age, but it will end. Your dd will learn how to manage her emotions. She will mature and you'll have your sweet girl back.

[HappyGrace]

Thanks, MamaT. I really, really think the thread thru these posts is the key to my problem-NOT letting myself be drawn into the drama. That is what escalates it, and also it is "answering a fool according to her folly".

 

I spoke to her after my last post and let her know that to protect our relationship, next time I would calmly and quietly ask her to go to her room until she can calm down, so it doesn't get worse and worse like it has been.

 

Also I am thinking of ways to spend more quality time with her. Manicure is a great idea!

 

I'm so happy for the people who have been through this and it has gotten better for you! And that really gives me hope too.

[cuckoomamma]

I agree with placing your relationship as the priority. More quality time outside of schooling. Hug her whenever you can and tell her she's wonderful. When she gives you that tone, tell her that she's hurt you, give her a hug and tell her just how much she means to you.

 

Make sure to have others to vent to who won't say your daughter is a brat who isn't behaving. The teen years are difficult. She needs to hear you say it as much as you need to say it.

[Rebecca VA]

OhElizabeth, please forgive my obtuseness, but are you really serious? I'm trying to decide if you are. If you give in, wouldn't the child just get used to having her way and then be outraged when she gets thwarted?

[PeterPan]

OhElizabeth, please forgive my obtuseness, but are you really serious? I'm trying to decide if you are. If you give in, wouldn't the child just get used to having her way and then be outraged when she gets thwarted?

 

Well I'm about 80% serious. No my kid doesn't get outraged at being thwarted, lol. What I'm saying is that sometimes we lose track of time and fail to notice that they *do* have an opinion worth having on *some* issues or that we're being *controlling* rather than *nurturing*. There's a transition in the parenting. But maybe my dd is weird. She's extremely assertive and opinionated, and utterly gone is the placid "do school on Saturday because I said to" kind of thing. Today I was trying to look at fabric with her for skirts. I had picked out several prints, brought them home, and she was declaring them things she would NOT wear in public, things not fit for a 13 yo (she's 12 mind you), I mean just on and on. So I could turn it into some control battle or wise up that they're growing up and have opinions too.

 

The way somebody else put it here was that "by modeling flexibility ourselves, we're teaching them how to be more flexible." That's what I'm talking about. I'm a lot less flexible with a 2 yo than I am a 12 yo. And personally, I read all that and figured my dd would have said the same thing as Happy's and that there was nothing unreasonable about that.

 

And yes, I was serious on the teach less, argue more thing too. That's exactly what Chris Perrin said, that you KNOW when they hit the logic stage because everything becomes an argument. I see my dd COME ALIVE when we "argue" about something, so I'm trying to weave that type of discussion/debate into more and more of what we do. And I'm trying to weave myself out where I don't have to be, because (frankly) moms can use a break. ;)

 

I knew I was being a bit provocative in my reply, hehe, but the point was to get people to think. I don't think treating a 12 yo with a small amount of earned, deserved respect or accommodation is capitulating or ruinsome. I think it's called nurturing. I guess it's only capitulating and getting bowled over if you situate it that way. If *I* chose to grant the wisdom of their position when *they* ask properly, then I'm still properly in control. I'm just working with them instead of treating them so topdown. It's not like you want to treat them like babies and then at 18 toss them on their own. Has to happen someday.

 

BTW, it's not just me making this up. My dh was raised this way. Act responsibly as a child, make responsible decisions, get trusted for more responsibility. We *intentionally* have given her room that I didn't have as a kid to make decisions in order to nurture this ability to come to responsible conclusions you're willing to own. In Happy's case, I would have told her that I had X amount of work that I needed done to get back on track and asked her whether she wanted to do it this weekend or by doubling up the following week. Then she would have had to OWN the decision and would have been disciplined or had consequences if she didn't follow up on it. That's the difference between a #yo and a small child that you tell what to do and when. You transition that responsibility and have them own it.

Edited October 2, 2011 by OhElizabeth

[WTMCassandra]

"If I say we were gone on vacation Mon-Tues so we need to work some on Sat, it's a HUGE crying screaming meltdown."

 

I like a lot of the others' suggestions, but I'd like to speak to this point. I think it would be wise BEFORE a trip like this for you to sit down with her and say, "If we go on this trip, it means we will miss xx amount of school. Of that, yy amount is critical and has to be made up. When would you like to do that?"

 

In other words, I would give warning and create a plan in advance, not spring it on her afterwards.

 

And if it's somewhere she really wants to go or is her idea, I would have the plan developed for handling the makeup work BEFORE agreeing that the family is going to go on the trip at all. "Hmmm, it's a good idea to do xx, but if we did, we would have to make up at least yy. If we can come up with a plan for doing that, then we can go."

[PeterPan]

"If I say we were gone on vacation Mon-Tues so we need to work some on Sat, it's a HUGE crying screaming meltdown."

 

I like a lot of the others' suggestions, but I'd like to speak to this point. I think it would be wise BEFORE a trip like this for you to sit down with her and say, "If we go on this trip, it means we will miss xx amount of school. Of that, yy amount is critical and has to be made up. When would you like to do that?"

 

In other words, I would give warning and create a plan in advance, not spring it on her afterwards.

 

And if it's somewhere she really wants to go or is her idea, I would have the plan developed for handling the makeup work BEFORE agreeing that the family is going to go on the trip at all. "Hmmm, it's a good idea to do xx, but if we did, we would have to make up at least yy. If we can come up with a plan for doing that, then we can go."

 

Bingo. To spring it on her afterwards and get a crummy reaction, well that's not shocking.

[Natalieclare]

HOW how how do people homeschool through these years? QUOTE]

 

What helped me the most in dealing with ages 10-14 (the difficult age has varied slightly with all three of my teens) was:

 

*being mindful of the stuggle she faced

 

*teaching her to be mindful of the struggle she faced

 

*learning tips for de-escalationg situations

 

*keeping in mind the mantra of Amy in Orlando (a former poster) "Be the Iceburg."

 

*giving her an egressable window of dignity (a way out without making her feel 2 years old.)

[serendipitous journey]

to WTMCassandra ... thanks for the Chesterton quote in your sig. It really helps :)

 

also, though I'm sort of eavesdropping (see the sig -- no hormonal girls here! they're both tiny, and boys to boot) I found a useful perspective in this book on Backtalk which I checked out from the library. Not all the answers, of course -- or even all ones I agreed with -- but a thought-provoking and sensible strategy; I've deployed, to good effect, some of the ideas given for Button's age range, and different strategies are given for the whole range of ages right through grown children. There's also a bit on managing unacceptably rude behavior from other people's children ...

 

blessings.

 

ps -- on reflection, I'm editing this to add that I found some of the advice appalling. But the good stuff was good.

Edited October 3, 2011 by serendipitous journey
clarity and accuracy.