Another family using Pearl techniques...

[Pamela H in Texas]

How is it that the Pearls still have fans?

 

Having certain religious beliefs doesn't help the matter; but obviously everyone who has those beliefs don't go so far so that isn't it altogether.

 

Regardless, it is fear.

 

I say this because:

 

1) behavior comes from a place of fear or a place of love. Hitting, cold showers, depriving meals, etc are not loving things to do. I have no doubt the majority of Pearl followers love their children, but they parent from a place of fear (fear of ****ation, fear of a kid being 30 and mooching off them, fear of choices/control/etc, fear of not being able to impart discipline, fear of what others think, etc).

 

2) I was this parent fearful of where the path would lead. I feared the behavior of a truly challenging toddler would translate badly for a young adult.

Thankfully, there was a limit to what I was willing to do TO my child and therefore I learned better FOR my child.

 

Honestly? though I wish I could have learned another way, I'm thankful for everything our experience afforded us, especially understanding about fear and anxiety, the child's and my own. That has translated well as we've taken in challenging children to foster and as we head into adoption of three children with attachment disorders (not RAD, I don't think). I learned better for all the children I am privileged to parent.

Edited October 1, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[unsinkable]

Yes. Truly sickening. But makes me wonder why they felt the need to adopt not one, but two children with pre-existing conditions. Especially when they showed not an iota of understanding or compassion towards these kids.

 

I agree. And I wonder about the adoption agency who placed these kids...how thoroughly did they vet this family? Where was the follow-up?

 

But I bet the family hid their craziness. They knew enough not to leave the poor girl outside on Christmas when company came over. To me, that shows they knew what they were doing would be unacceptable.

[Blueridge]

I feel like throwing up. :crying: Why do people like this want to adopt more children?

[Mrs. A]

This breaks my heart.

[Bassoonaroo]

I'd never buy a book of the Pearls. I've read them at Goodwill but I wouldn't pay twenty five cents to buy it. I've read more than enough to make me sick to my stomach.

 

I disagree. When I see a book or magazine that I think is damaging at the thrift store, I buy it and throw it away, taking it out of circulation. Thrift store don't operate on the same supply and demand as retail stores. Thrift stores can't order what is donated; they get what they get. By buying a book, I am not causing the thrift store to get 10 more just like it in. It does prevent a naive customer from buying the book and letting it get under their skin. A quarter is a very low price for the privilege of throwing away ... for good ... such a book.

[NanceXToo]

The Pearls are filth. Plain and simple.

 

And I may get flamed for saying it, but those who defend or minimize the actions of the Pearls are not much better.

 

:iagree:

 

This is just tragic. I'm sitting on my fingers right now to not say more. But I agree with you.

[texasmama]

Can an adoptive parent relinquish their parental rights? I'm not judging the rightness or wrongness of that, but.....I would have greatly preferred them turning the kids back over to someone....the state, anyone rather than abuse them. :confused:

 

Yes, just as a biological parent can relinquish rights, an adoptive parent can. Theoretically, this couple could have taken this child to the local CPS office and turned her over. She would have been placed in foster care. Their beliefs about child-rearing unfortunately seem to have excluded that as an option.

[texasmama]

I agree. And I wonder about the adoption agency who placed these kids...how thoroughly did they vet this family? Where was the follow-up?

 

Once an adoption is finalized, there is generally no oversight. The children as viewed as biological children in that respect. Some agencies/states offer post-adoptive services/support, but the parent must reach out for those.

[unsinkable]

Once an adoption is finalized, there is generally no oversight. The children as viewed as biological children in that respect. Some agencies/states offer post-adoptive services/support, but the parent must reach out for those.

 

Thanks...but what about vetting them in the first place?

 

How do these people get thru that process?

 

Can you imagine them telling that they plan on using plumbing supply lines to discipline their adopted children?

[texasmama]

Thanks...but what about vetting them in the first place?

 

How do these people get thru that process?

 

Can you imagine them telling that they plan on using plumbing supply lines to discipline their adopted children?

 

I can speak for Texas only because that is where my experience lies.

 

Yes, there is a long, fairly involved process which people go through to be foster/adoptive parents for domestic adoptions. People still slip through the cracks and end up abusing or neglecting adopted kids, usually out of a desire to "cure their bad behaviors and make them into decent citizens". There is a fundamental lack of understanding (and empathy) about the role of discipline and the ability of any parent to change a child with a difficult and abusive history.

 

This was an international adoption, and those are regulated pretty heavily prior to adoption. Generally, there is oversight during the placement time before adoptions are finalized, as is the case for domestic adoptions.

 

These people likely were well aware that their methods were unorthodox and would not be acceptable to an adoption agency. They could have coached their kids to give the information they wanted professionals to hear. Their biological kids were indoctrinated to believe that this type of parenting was normal, loving and to be desired. They were also indoctrinated to believe that any child who stepped out of the strict boundaries of the parents' rules were "rebellious" and "bad". It was always the child's fault. These were kids raised in fear for themselves. They were not allowed to have separate identities apart from what their parents assigned them or the consequences were dire. The older kids would have felt completely unable to affect change in this situation even if, on some level, they were aware that the methods were inappropriate (which is doubtful, IMO).

 

I've extrapolated a bit from the information I have (I read the entire affidavit), but this is my take on the situation.

[LibraryLover]

Doesn't this look like a pattern? Folks 'called' by God to adopt and then beating the little heathens not only into submission, but to death. suffer the little children all right.

 

Sickening. It doesn't look to me like a case of 'poor overwhelmed parents' not getting support, but thinking that support came through a group advocating beating and starving children as the way to obedience and God. That's not even in the realm of common sense. I presume this child was 'homeschooled' as well. Flying under the radar? Disgusting. A preventable horror.

Edited October 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Parrothead]

I really don't have anything to add. I just don't want my silence on the matter to be thought of as endorsement. For the record I think the Pearls are evil personified and the parents of these children deserve nothing less than the maximum penalty allowed.

[FO4UR]

After reading more...it's clear to me that the mother hated these children, especially the little girl. She was seriously disturbed by the fact that the girl hit puberty. I would venture to guess that there is some very warped psychology going on in that woman's (canNOT call her a mother!!!) head, even beyond the Pearl's stuff...and the Pearl's stuff is enough to produce a nightmare...

 

 

 

How is it that the Pearls still have fans?

 

 

Any criticism is seen as Religious Persecution.:glare: I mean, how can your argue with GOD!?! (Said in deep, drawn-out, preacher voice.)

[Pamela H in Texas]

They wouldn't have said they planned to beat them, starve them, leave them outside in the cold. However, they could say they believe in spanking, sending kids to bed early, and time out. And though you couldn't do most of that with a foster child, adoption is different. I have even heard of a worker saying, "I just dropped off a child with an adoptive placement. It won't be an hour before he gets his first spanking." It simply is expected. They aren't going to ask you how you intend to spank and even if they did, there are ways to state things that it doesn't sound like the Pearls.

 

Seriously, OUR answers invited more speculation because they are soooooooooo outside the norm. If you say you use almost all non-punitive measures, and don't believe in most punitive measures such as grounding and spanking, they wonder if you're trying to pull something. So we had lots of discussion about discipline because we gave beliefs of what good discipline was that was firm and clear and helpful and kind and consistent and....rather than just typical. What kind of nuts were we? LOL

 

The other thing is that there is an extreme amount of checking out a person. NOTHING is out of the realm of questioning from each person's childhood to family abuses to discipline styles to sex. However, anyone can frame just about anything the way they want. You could omit. Or they simply may not ask *certain* things. Even with hundreds of pieces of papers, references, multiple visits, classes, etc, they can't catch EVERYTHING.

Edited October 1, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[mo2]

I should NOT have read that affadavit. I think I might vomit now. :(

 

I really have nothing to add to the conversation.

[LibraryLover]

I'm sure they don't admit to social workers they will use certain methods of 'discipline '. They are just a nice Christian coupled called by god to adopt. Plenty of agencies are religious ones. I 'm sure most of these social workers aren't screening for families thinking they are part of the Pearls cult. Obviously they should, although maybe some social workers are advocates of the Pearls. A lot of people on these boards have defended the methods, although agree some folks 'take it too far' or don't properly implement the disciplinary methods. ;)

 

Thanks...but what about vetting them in the first place?

 

How do these people get thru that process?

 

Can you imagine them telling that they plan on using plumbing supply lines to discipline their adopted children?

Edited October 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Tammyla]

Oh how tragic, that poor child.

[unsinkable]

I can speak for Texas only because that is where my experience lies.

 

Yes, there is a long, fairly involved process which people go through to be foster/adoptive parents for domestic adoptions. People still slip through the cracks and end up abusing or neglecting adopted kids, usually out of a desire to "cure their bad behaviors and make them into decent citizens". There is a fundamental lack of understanding (and empathy) about the role of discipline and the ability of any parent to change a child with a difficult and abusive history.

 

This was an international adoption, and those are regulated pretty heavily prior to adoption. Generally, there is oversight during the placement time before adoptions are finalized, as is the case for domestic adoptions.

 

These people likely were well aware that their methods were unorthodox and would not be acceptable to an adoption agency. They could have coached their kids to give the information they wanted professionals to hear. Their biological kids were indoctrinated to believe that this type of parenting was normal, loving and to be desired. They were also indoctrinated to believe that any child who stepped out of the strict boundaries of the parents' rules were "rebellious" and "bad". It was always the child's fault. These were kids raised in fear for themselves. They were not allowed to have separate identities apart from what their parents assigned them or the consequences were dire. The older kids would have felt completely unable to affect change in this situation even if, on some level, they were aware that the methods were inappropriate (which is doubtful, IMO).

 

I've extrapolated a bit from the information I have (I read the entire affidavit), but this is my take on the situation.

 

Thank you, Carol, for taking the time for answering so thoroughly. I appreciate it. Every time I think of these cases, I vascillate between sad and sick and angry and hopeless. If people with this mindset know how to play the system, I wonder how agencies can ever stop allowing these adoptions.

 

:crying: those poor dear children

[texasmama]

Plenty of agencies are religious ones. I 'm sure most of these social workers aren't screening for families thinking they are part of the Pearls cult. Obviously they should, though maybe some followers are advocates of the Pearls. A lot of people on these boards have defended the methods.

 

In my experience in the foster/adoption field (and having worked for Christian foster care/adoption agencies), Christian agencies (none that I am aware of, anyway) don't endorse the Pearl's methods. Indeed, most adoption agencies, Christian or not, don't endorse the use of corporal punishment with adopted kids who have an abusive/neglectful history. Once an adoption is finalized, discipline techniques are not being influenced by an outside agency, though. The regulations are the same for Christian and secular adoption agencies, at least concerning domestic adoption from the foster care system.

[LibraryLover]

[quote name=3blessingmom;

Any criticism is seen as Religious Persecution.:glare: I mean' date=' how can your argue with GOD!?! (Said in deep, drawn-out, preacher voice.)

 

And all the ills of the world are placed on the doorsteps of permissive parents and schools, where children are allowed to run wild because teachers and parents are no longer allowed to paddle the tar out of the unruly little children, doncha know. Never mind the research is clear that beaten children tend to end up messed up and/or in prison. Or dead. That's just all fancy lies told by the 'elite' folks in Ivory Towers.

Edited October 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Impish]

Tragic and horrifying.

[texasmama]

Thank you, Carol, for taking the time for answering so thoroughly. I appreciate it. Every time I think of these cases, I vascillate between sad and sick and angry and hopeless. If people with this mindset know how to play the system, I wonder how agencies can ever stop allowing these adoptions.

 

:crying: those poor dear children

 

You're welcome. Foster care and adoption are highly regulated and complex systems, but they are not foolproof. Sadly, I don't think there is a way to stop all families like this from adopting. Some may be caught in the process of licensing, but others will not be.

[Joanne]

Yes. Truly sickening. But makes me wonder why they felt the need to adopt not one, but two children with pre-existing conditions. Especially when they showed not an iota of understanding or compassion towards these kids.

 

 

It's a running thread in a sick tapestry.

 

Adopted children, biologically, can be different in ways that present parenting challenges. Pre-natal issues, attachment issues, trauma - all of these change the brain, and change the normal developing chemistry of a child. These children often *can't* react normally, expectedly, or healthfully to discipline and parenting.

 

Enter conservative Christian adoptive parents who are (for their own reasons) at risk. They are not trained properly to handle the special needs of adopted children AND they are attracted to formulaic methodology of child-rearing, and predisposed into extremism which leads to progressive abuse.

 

Toxic and deadly mix.

 

The *parents* are to blame, as is the system, as are the Pearls, as are those who support the Pearls. Each is to blame 100% for their role; the fact that each is to blame doesn't change the total, 100% responsibility of the parents.

[LibraryLover]

I don't believe any adoption social worker plans to place children in homes where they fear abuse might occur. The domestic foster care system doesn't allow for spanking at all. No argument there. This was yet another international adoption where kids died at the hands of famies claiming to be following certain religious doctrine. How many more dead or hot sauced kids does it take before some of us start to loose our patience. There is a large faction of conservative Christians who are 'being called' to adopt. These families are not planning on killing these kids. Yet something is wrong. Clearly something is amiss.

 

 

se

In my experience in the foster/adoption field (and having worked for Christian foster care/adoption agencies), Christian agencies (none that I am aware of, anyway) don't endorse the Pearl's methods. Indeed, most adoption agencies, Christian or not, don't endorse the use of corporal punishment with adopted kids who have an abusive/neglectful history. Once an adoption is finalized, discipline techniques are not being influenced by an outside agency, though. The regulations are the same for Christian and secular adoption agencies, at least concerning domestic adoption from the foster care system.

Edited October 2, 2011 by LibraryLover

[LibraryLover]

Running thread in a sick tapestry . That's about as descriptive and as articulate a description I've read regarding this horrible trend.

 

 

 

It's a running thread in a sick tapestry.

 

Adopted children, biologically, can be different in ways that present parenting challenges. Pre-natal issues, attachment issues, trauma - all of these change the brain, and change the normal developing chemistry of a child. These children often *can't* react normally, expectedly, or healthfully to discipline and parenting.

 

Enter conservative Christian adoptive parents who are (for their own reasons) at risk. They are not trained properly to handle the special needs of adopted children AND they are attracted to formulaic methodology of child-rearing, and predisposed into extremism which leads to progressive abuse.

 

Toxic and deadly mix.

 

The *parents* are to blame, as is the system, as are the Pearls, as are those who support the Pearls. Each is to blame 100% for their role; the fact that each is to blame doesn't change the total, 100% responsibility of the parents.

[justamouse]

It's a running thread in a sick tapestry.

 

Adopted children, biologically, can be different in ways that present parenting challenges. Pre-natal issues, attachment issues, trauma - all of these change the brain, and change the normal developing chemistry of a child. These children often *can't* react normally, expectedly, or healthfully to discipline and parenting.

 

Enter conservative Christian adoptive parents who are (for their own reasons) at risk. They are not trained properly to handle the special needs of adopted children AND they are attracted to formulaic methodology of child-rearing, and predisposed into extremism which leads to progressive abuse.

 

Toxic and deadly mix.

 

The *parents* are to blame, as is the system, as are the Pearls, as are those who support the Pearls. Each is to blame 100% for their role; the fact that each is to blame doesn't change the total, 100% responsibility of the parents.

 

What a good post. I keep rereading it.

[teachmejoy]

I'm pretty sure the Pearls didn't say to starve children and leave them outside in the cold. Their teachings and methods are off for sure but not that far of from what I have seen anyways.:confused: So sad and sick.:crying:

 

 

I don't follow the pearls example exactly, but I do have their book, and it doesn't say ANYTHING like what is described above. There were no examples of carrying a switch in a bra either.

[astrid]

I don't follow the pearls example exactly, but I do have their book, and it doesn't say ANYTHING like what is described above. There were no examples of carrying a switch in a bra either.

 

Maybe not, but I seem to remember reading some excerpt here about keeping a switch in every room in the house so punishment can be swift and sure.

 

I don't believe I can have a civil conversation with anyone who uses/defends/agrees with anything the Pearls advocate so I will close here, and wish you and your children well.

 

Peace,

astrid

[SKL]

Just keep in mind that there are crazy people in every group - adoptive parents, bio parents, Christian, Atheist, conservative, liberal, and everything in between. Focusing on something that is irrelevant makes it less likely that we can properly address the issues that are relevant.

 

I am an adoptive parent (international adoption), and at least in my state, there is a significant vetting process as well as training and lots of resources for adoptive parents. Because we have to qualify to be foster parents, we aren't allowed to say we plan to spank. My agency also has periodic post-placement visits for 3 years, though I don't think the law requires that. Of course, none of that prevents me from going off the deep end after the adoption is final. But it does make me wonder how some families get away with what they do - particularly families who already have kids who aren't being treated right. (My state is the one where a bunch of adopted kids were being kept in cages - how did that family continue to pass home studies to adopt more kids??)

 

I believe that the vast majority of adopted kids are treated well, but of course that is rarely newsworthy. The news coverage of extreme situations, where they ALWAYS point out that the child is adopted, give a distorted view. When someone who was not adopted gets in trouble or is abused, nobody announces on the news whether he was his parent's biological child. And nobody mentions when a child who died of abuse/neglect was being raised by liberal or non-religious parents. It ain't because libs and atheists never hurt their kids. It's because the media is biased against conservatism.

 

As an adoptive mom, I honestly wish states had better post-placement services. Both follow-up visits and proactive educational resources. Even though I consider myself a decent parent, it was good to be able to bounce things off the social worker when she visited. Now that my kids are going on 5, I would like to be able to tap into that resource some more. I realize this would come with a cost, but I'd be willing to pay an up-front fee to cover it. I just don't want to hear of any more kids being hurt because the state didn't check or the parents were clueless.

[Mommyfaithe]

It's a running thread in a sick tapestry.

 

Adopted children, biologically, can be different in ways that present parenting challenges. Pre-natal issues, attachment issues, trauma - all of these change the brain, and change the normal developing chemistry of a child. These children often *can't* react normally, expectedly, or healthfully to discipline and parenting.

 

Enter conservative Christian adoptive parents who are (for their own reasons) at risk. They are not trained properly to handle the special needs of adopted children AND they are attracted to formulaic methodology of child-rearing, and predisposed into extremism which leads to progressive abuse.

 

Toxic and deadly mix.

 

The *parents* are to blame, as is the system, as are the Pearls, as are those who support the Pearls. Each is to blame 100% for their role; the fact that each is to blame doesn't change the total, 100% responsibility of the parents.

:iagree:

Wow! This post was so concise and right on. I wish I could have said this so eloquently.

I am just sick from this article. What a shame and a tragedy.

 

Faithe

[kalanamak]

 

1) behavior comes from a place of fear or a place of love. Hitting, cold showers, depriving meals, etc are not loving things to do. I have no doubt the majority of Pearl followers love their children, but they parent from a place of fear (fear of ****ation, fear of a kid being 30 and mooching off them, fear of choices/control/etc, fear of not being able to impart discipline, fear of what others think, etc).

 

.

 

And the language in the book feeds this fear. He is absolutely certain a child not raised this way will be a moral wreck, and his writing states this in a dramatic and dogmatic manner.

[simka2]

Maybe not, but I seem to remember reading some excerpt here about keeping a switch in every room in the house so punishment can be swift and sure.

 

I don't believe I can have a civil conversation with anyone who uses/defends/agrees with anything the Pearls advocate so I will close here, and wish you and your children well.

 

Peace,

astrid

 

I was taught, by my Pearl teaching mentor, to keep a white switch above every doorway. That way it was not visible to visitors, i always had instant access, and i could raise my eyes to the doorway as a warning to my then 2yr olds.:tongue_smilie:

[Nakia]

It's a running thread in a sick tapestry.

 

Adopted children, biologically, can be different in ways that present parenting challenges. Pre-natal issues, attachment issues, trauma - all of these change the brain, and change the normal developing chemistry of a child. These children often *can't* react normally, expectedly, or healthfully to discipline and parenting.

 

Enter conservative Christian adoptive parents who are (for their own reasons) at risk. They are not trained properly to handle the special needs of adopted children AND they are attracted to formulaic methodology of child-rearing, and predisposed into extremism which leads to progressive abuse.

 

Toxic and deadly mix.

 

The *parents* are to blame, as is the system, as are the Pearls, as are those who support the Pearls. Each is to blame 100% for their role; the fact that each is to blame doesn't change the total, 100% responsibility of the parents.

 

We've had a ton of Pearl threads over the years, and this summarizes the truth of the matter beautifully. Thank you, Joanne.

[Nakia]

I don't follow the pearls example exactly, but I do have their book, and it doesn't say ANYTHING like what is described above. There were no examples of carrying a switch in a bra either.

 

 

I'm pretty sure someone has linked those things before on this board. I went to the Pearls' website and tried to find info, but I couldn't get past the recommendation to switch a 7 month old who won't go to sleep at night. :crying::cursing::ack2:

[Joanne]

Just keep in mind that there are crazy people in every group - adoptive parents, bio parents, Christian, Atheist, conservative, liberal, and everything in between. Focusing on something that is irrelevant makes it less likely that we can properly address the issues that are relevant.

 

The news coverage of extreme situations, where they ALWAYS point out that the child is adopted, give a distorted view. When someone who was not adopted gets in trouble or is abused, nobody announces on the news whether he was his parent's biological child. And nobody mentions when a child who died of abuse/neglect was being raised by liberal or non-religious parents. It ain't because libs and atheists never hurt their kids. It's because the media is biased against conservatism.

 

.

 

The disclaimer about abuse and extremism misses the point. Yes, abuse is found in all socio-economic settings, all ethnicities, all sub-groups. However, their is a pattern of extremism of Pearl followers who have adopted children. They have a certain demograph, and it is pertinent.

 

I think the fact that they are adopted is significant due to the reality that adopted children have a greater risk of being abused (statistically). Adopted children have a constellation of issues that are more likely to present, and more likely to present parenting challenges; particularly in the toxic mix of religious, formulaic parenting in the hands of people motivated to adopt who are coming from compromised mental health to begin with. (Being attracted to punitive, formulaic parenting and extreme religiosity is a symptom of the same problem and provides the vehicle to abuse and death.)

[LizzyBee]

I have two sisters who adopted, and I can't even count the number of people in my church and homeschool group who have adopted. What I've seen is that adoption agencies and CPS are often so anxious to get kids into adoptive homes that they are not honest about the pitfalls of adoption in general or the needs and problems of the specific children being adopted. And even more surprising, adoptive families are not willing to discuss the difficulties or unique needs of adoptive children who have attachment disorders. They will shoot down anyone who paints a picture of adoption that is not all roses and smiles. As a result, families who have kids with RAD suffer in silence and fear. People who don't have kids with RAD don't understand how to parent them; social workers and psychologists who are not trained to deal with kids with RAD don't understand how to parent them. In some areas, it is difficult to find a counselor/psychologist who is a RAD specialist. Adoptive parents fear the lies that might be told about them and the ability of kids with RAD to charm and manipulate other adults. I used to want to adopt children, but after what I've seen in other families, I would not touch adoption with a 10-foot pole. I know that I don't have what it takes to parent children with attachment disorders, and I think many, many adoptive children have them.

[Joanne]

I have two sisters who adopted, and I can't even count the number of people in my church and homeschool group who have adopted. What I've seen is that adoption agencies and CPS are often so anxious to get kids into adoptive homes that they are not honest about the pitfalls of adoption in general or the needs and problems of the specific children being adopted. And even more surprising, adoptive families are not willing to discuss the difficulties or unique needs of adoptive children who have attachment disorders. They will shoot down anyone who paints a picture of adoption that is not all roses and smiles. As a result, families who have kids with RAD suffer in silence and fear. People who don't have kids with RAD don't understand how to parent them; social workers and psychologists who are not trained to deal with kids with RAD don't understand how to parent them. In some areas, it is difficult to find a counselor/psychologist who is a RAD specialist. Adoptive parents fear the lies that might be told about them and the ability of kids with RAD to charm and manipulate other adults. I used to want to adopt children, but after what I've seen in other families, I would not touch adoption with a 10-foot pole. I know that I don't have what it takes to parent children with attachment disorders, and I think many, many adoptive children have them.

 

 

Many of the kids I counsel (who are living in a 24/7 lock down facility) have experienced this first hand. They end up in a residential treatment center (not substance abuse centered) because of childhood trauma, and increased layers of trauma after years of ill-prepared caregivers.

[texasmama]

I have two sisters who adopted, and I can't even count the number of people in my church and homeschool group who have adopted. What I've seen is that adoption agencies and CPS are often so anxious to get kids into adoptive homes that they are not honest about the pitfalls of adoption in general or the needs and problems of the specific children being adopted. And even more surprising, adoptive families are not willing to discuss the difficulties or unique needs of adoptive children who have attachment disorders. They will shoot down anyone who paints a picture of adoption that is not all roses and smiles. As a result, families who have kids with RAD suffer in silence and fear. People who don't have kids with RAD don't understand how to parent them; social workers and psychologists who are not trained to deal with kids with RAD don't understand how to parent them. In some areas, it is difficult to find a counselor/psychologist who is a RAD specialist. Adoptive parents fear the lies that might be told about them and the ability of kids with RAD to charm and manipulate other adults. I used to want to adopt children, but after what I've seen in other families, I would not touch adoption with a 10-foot pole. I know that I don't have what it takes to parent children with attachment disorders, and I think many, many adoptive children have them.

 

This has been my experience, both professionally and personally (extended family adopting from CPS). Unfortunately, even if an agency provides wonderful training, there are many adoptive parents who choose to believe that they can "love the child into wellness" despite all evidence or information otherwise. It is a pervasive attitude among adoptive parents. Most are unprepared. Many fail the needs of the children as a result. (I say this knowing that there are many wonderful and selfless adoptive parents on this board and that I have had the pleasure of working with.)

[Mommy22alyns]

Not again... :(

 

This story is not new to me - I have read a woman's blog before who had 6 kids and adopted 2 and was not bonding with her 2 adopted kids. She said the most horrible things about them and said they had the devil in them. The adoptions were disrupted and her blog was shut down. I seriously expected to read the article and see this woman's name.

[Abigail4476]

I don't follow the pearls example exactly, but I do have their book, and it doesn't say ANYTHING like what is described above. There were no examples of carrying a switch in a bra either.

 

I hope you don't follow the Pearl's examples at ALL. I know for a fact that their book [To Train Up a Child] recommends spanking infants as young as 4 months old--using a switch. That much has been quoted on this forum and other places directly from the book. It also recommends sitting on a child, pulling the hair of a breastfeeding infant if it bites, and spanking children until they STOP crying. That alone is enough to warrant a boycott, IMO.

 

The other content I can't verify since I don't have the book in hand. My sister does have it in her library, though, and I'm going to be visiting her next weekend. I may just ask if I can have it.

[MrsMe]

I'll say what I said on the other forum that posted this.

 

It can't possibly be that all common sense has left people and the blame game is on. No one is responsible for their own actions any more. Yep...blame the Pearls.

[Joanne]

I'll say what I said on the other forum that posted this.

 

It can't possibly be that all common sense has left people and the blame game is on. No one is responsible for their own actions any more. Yep...blame the Pearls.

 

:glare: The Pearl's child-rearing advice (and those who would seek and embrace it) is abusive by content, and progressively so in the execution of unwell people.

 

The Pearls AND the parents AND the system AND those who defend punitive religiosity are to blame. All at 100% to blame.

 

No one here who is ALSO against the Pearls are absolving the parents who directly murdered.

[pdalley]

:glare: The Pearl's child-rearing advice (and those who would seek and embrace it) is abusive by content, and progressively so in the execution of unwell people.

 

The Pearls AND the parents AND the system AND those who defend punitive religiosity are to blame. All at 100% to blame.

 

No one here who is ALSO against the Pearls are absolving the parents who directly murdered.

 

 

:iagree: I really don't get how people can act like the Pearl's child rearing philosophy as laid out in their books didn't contribute heavily to this. Are they solely responsible? No! But their philosophies are attractive to people like these.

 

I have NO respect for anyone who tries to tell a parent their child's will needs be completely broken down. And that's what I get from the Pearls and it disgusts me.

[Nakia]

I have a very strong willed child, and I do not understand why anyone would want to BREAK their child's will!!! Do we want to raise broken, weak, fearful children? If yes, then we will have broken, weak, fearful adults. We need to help shape our children (and their will) into what God intends for them to be. Let's hold them and guide them and PARENT them. The bible says that God is close to those who have young. I know it must disgust Him to see parents treating their children worse than dogs. It's so sad and far too common.

 

The un-Christlike part of me wants to get a hold of these people and slap the crap out of them. The Christ like part of me prays that they will truly repent and God will bring healing and restoration to their family.

[LizzyBee]

I have a very strong willed child, and I do not understand why anyone would want to BREAK their child's will!!! Do we want to raise broken, weak, fearful children? If yes, then we will have broken, weak, fearful adults. We need to help shape our children (and their will) into what God intends for them to be. Let's hold them and guide them and PARENT them. The bible says that God is close to those who have young. I know it must disgust Him to see parents treating their children worse than dogs. It's so sad and far too common.

 

The un-Christlike part of me wants to get a hold of these people and slap the crap out of them. The Christ like part of me prays that they will truly repent and God will bring healing and restoration to their family.

 

:iagree: Being strong-willed will serve our kids very well as adults, even though it adds challenges to rearing them.

[justasque]

I'll say what I said on the other forum that posted this.

 

It can't possibly be that all common sense has left people and the blame game is on. No one is responsible for their own actions any more. Yep...blame the Pearls.

 

Wouldn't a thoughtful, wise, responsible person, when faced with the fact that their written advice may have been a contributing factor to a child's death, do some thinking about how their ideas have been understood, and make some changes? Wouldn't you think that the second time a child died they would be even more motivated to examine their message, and at minimum whether it was a good fit for certain situations? And the third time?

 

The victim's parents had a responsibility to ignore the Pearl's teachings. But the Pearls also have a responsibility to change/clarify their teachings in light of these deaths, or even better, to remove themselves from their roles as parenting experts/leaders, and ESPECIALLY as parenting experts/leaders who teach from a religious, "do this or be d*m*d for eternity" perspective.

 

I am sad today thinking of the parents in this family's social circle, who saw red flags before the child died, and apparantly did not report them. (Several people were mentioned in the linked info, including a fellow homeschooler.)

[Mommy to monkeys]

I haven't read anything by the Pearls and never will. Child abuse is NOT discipline!

 

This is just sick sick sick.

[Word Nerd]

:iagree: I really don't get how people can act like the Pearl's child rearing philosophy as laid out in their books didn't contribute heavily to this. Are they solely responsible? No! But their philosophies are attractive to people like these.

 

 

 

Furthermore, Michael Pearl's bullying, authoritarian tone doesn't allow any room for argument from those who have little discernment or ability to think for themselves and are prone to taking advice like his to tragic extremes (and it's already extreme to begin with). If you don't follow his (i.e., God's) parenting methods, he feels sorry for you, and your kids will be spoiled brats.

 

I always hear his supporters say that you should chew the meat and spit out the bones when you read his books. Those bones cause far too many parents to choke, though, and he does hold culpability for that.

[GWOB]

I'll say what I said on the other forum that posted this.

 

It can't possibly be that all common sense has left people and the blame game is on. No one is responsible for their own actions any more. Yep...blame the Pearls.

 

 

Do you not think the Pearls should claim responsibility for advocating child abuse? Should they not answer for their disgusting, vile, and perverted advice about wives accepting their child-molesting husbands back into the home? How many children have to die or suffer horrific abuse before the Pearls are made to answer for their idiocy?

[Denisemomof4]

The thing that horrified me most -

 

Okay, it all horrified me the most. But I was particularly struck by the way the older children seemed to have bought into the parents' sick rationalizations, explaining to the detectives that the poor abused girl was "just pretending to be cold" when she was outside for hours in 40-degree weather with no coat. Or that the deaf boy was "pretending not to know how to sign."

 

Also that when she was out there on the last day of her life, the mother sent one of the children out to take her socks and shoes away from her. And he did. Because she was "rebellious" and he knew that she deserved punishment.

 

 

I don't think it was the kids buying into the parent's rationalizations. My RAD dd always pretends not to know how to do her school work, pretends to fall (for attention), pretends to be sick, sad, etc. She once cried over her phonics pages for an entire week and then completed them in 10 minutes so she could play with her friend. Things like that regularly happened. I can easily see that those kids probably did pretend not to know signing or other things. I also know RAD kids do purposely pee/poo their pants and make it seem like an accident. They purposefully try to push their parent's buttons in any way they can, especially the mothers. (purposefully touching the walls in the bathroom, knowing she has a contagious disease) They do steal and hoard food, even eating until they throw up. If the parents had read about that, maybe they would have been more kind with the food issue. They mad it worse. Many of these things my RAD dd does. She keeps me on my toes for sure, but I've learned that. I think this family probably never did any reading on their child's disorder so they didn't understand what was going on. They CLEARLY didn't read about therapeutic parenting to help their children, either. Those kids didn't stand a chance in that family.

 

The true problem with this and many adoptions we read about in the news is that families truly aren't prepared for the extreme behaviors a RAD child brings with them. If I had been prepared properly, I would have done things differently from day one. And I wouldn't have had to search for answers in all the wrong places, wasting precious years that needed to be dealt with differently to allow healing to take place. (I didn't hold/cuddle dd much because she hated touch so much she would cry. I would allow her to turn her back to me in my lap, because she was more comfortable that way - it was less threatening. Most importantly, I would have known that ALL needs needed to be met by mom ALONE. Instead my 3 kids and dh all helped with her. I made so many mistakes, not knowing they were mistakes.)

 

We have worked through so many of dd's issues, and she's so much better than she's ever been. But it was a TON of work, and not many people I know could have ever done it. Those parents clearly resented the work the physical challenges brought, so I think it's safe to assume they never read up on their kid's issues to try to help them. It's very difficult parenting traumatized RAD kids, but they certainly can be made worse by the abusive parenting these kids had to suffer through.

 

So sad.

 

I've never read a Pearl book and I never will. I think all those books should be taken off the shelves. I can't believe people still buy them.