Kfamily Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 (edited) This is definitely informal creative writing. She doesn't follow any rules with this piece and has had no instruction for it. I was just curious what other opinions might be. She's nearly done with The Trojan War by Olivia Coolidge and was inspired. She will be reading The Iliad in a few months. The formatting was different but I couldn't get it to transfer over here. Thanks everyone for your help! Edited September 28, 2011 by Kfamily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 I would really appreciate any comments...:001_smile: Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tullia Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 (edited) My first thought is that this should be recited in the evening by firelight. :) I understand about the formatting difficulties; the way text translates into the board format isn't friendly to 50-something eyes. Not complaining about the boards...just my eyesight.;) Edited September 27, 2011 by Martha in NM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Thank you, Martha...sorry about the format. It's not easy for 40-ish eyes either.:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) Any more comments... A lot of people have read it but haven't commented, which leaves me to wonder if they think it has no potential... I'm wondering if she has potential once taught how to write epic poetry...we'll be reading the Iliad soon and the Odyssey after that, so she will be taught the basic structure of an epic soon... I'm probably going to remove this at the end of this day... Edited September 28, 2011 by Kfamily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tullia Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Any more comments...A lot of people have read it but haven't commented, which leaves me to wonder if they think it has no potential... I'm wondering if she has potential once taught how to write epic poetry...we'll be reading the Iliad soon and the Odyssey after that, so she will be taught the basic structure of an epic soon... I'm probably going to remove this at the end of this day... I believe it does, indeed, have potential, and I was not joking about an evening recitation for the family and friends who are sympathetic to your educational aims. Performance was an integral part of the small co-op we participated in during my son's middle and high school years--in many ways it was the most valuable thing we did...the performances along with the Q&A that followed. Recitations help the author find rough spots, and the questions and comments from an informed audience allows for important feedback. I don't feel qualified to give a detailed analysis. I am also reluctant to comment of the work of students I don't know well. I would, however, suggest that you preserve this version as written and ask your daughter revisit it sometime in the next year or so and possibly write another version incorporating things she's explored in the interim. Last summer I had a chance to compare ds' essays written about The Odyssey for a college class to those he had written several years earlier as a beginning high school student. It was an interesting and useful thing to do. Is there a green with envy emoticon for those of us who have had too few opportunities to work with students who enjoy creative writing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 Thanks again Martha...this helps! I really appreciate your taking the time to give me some feedback.:grouphug: And just for the record, I promise I'm not removing it out of frustration, but out of a sense of it being personal to my dd (we agreed I would post it only temporarily).:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Well, I love it. I like the use of slightly obscure but still accessible vocabulary. I like the rich imagery. It reminds me of Tolkein, a bit--when he is having someone quote ancient poetry of noble times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 Thanks Carol, and my dd will absolutely love to read this. Tolkien is her hero! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tullia Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) Thanks again Martha...this helps! I really appreciate your taking the time to give me some feedback.:grouphug: And just for the record, I promise I'm not removing it out of frustration, but out of a sense of it being personal to my dd (we agreed I would post it only temporarily).:001_smile: :D, gulp...whew... I did misunderstand--thank you for setting me straight on that worry. You might also want to consider copyright issues at some point when posting on public boards. I wasn't blessed with many students who enjoyed creative writing, but we did have some talented musicians who eventually reached a point of needing to think about publication. ETA: I'm not trying to say yea or nay about posting here--it's just that hearing from former students has opened my eyes about some of the things that have an impact on protecting one's intellectual property. Let's just say that there are folks out there who are willing to take advantage of young talented people who may lack business experience. Edited September 28, 2011 by Martha in NM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 I liked it very much! If it were mine, I would probably fix the two (I think two?) places where there were end rhymes. Since the rest of the lines don't rhyme, it sort of stopped the flow to get to a few that did. I might change "broken be" to just plain "broken". And I found the last verse confusing, so I might work on that. Those were the only places I stumbled when reading it. I saw a few 's that should be plurals and a for that should be a fore (no big deal, possibly typos). I enjoyed it very much. It had a nice beat to it as I read it and a lovely sort of eery feel, which it ought to have in my opinion, being a looking ahead. I'm not qualified to critique a poem, though. Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 Thanks Nan, these are great suggestions!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 I think I need to get a move on with our lessons on the epic. (This is a very frustrating feeling, since we are preparing for a move overseas in less than a month and won't have all of our stuff (i.e. books:D) for at least 6-8 weeks after that.) She's told me she wants to write her own epics of the Iliad and the Odyssey. Hah! You just have to love the ambition and confidence of the young. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Well, I'd say she is off to a good start! What a great way to learn about an epic - to rewrite it. It isn't as though we were reading (well, my family at least LOL) the original in the first place. I started the Odyssey with my son by getting hold of all the translations I could find and having him read the first bit of each and then choose which he wanted to read. Fortunately, he chose one I wanted to read. This was different from the approach I took with Gilgamesh and Genesis. For Genesis, I chose the King James version for its beauty and tradition (but I showed him a few others for contrast and made sure he knew that the translation of the some key words were being questioned by modern scholars). For Gilgamesh, I chose absolutely the most literal version I could find, as contrast because I wanted him to see how much power the translator has. The missing bits just had dots. Then we read TWEM background bit and I made sure he knew what an epic was. Then we read The Odyssey. He already was familiar with Odds Bodkin's version. More than familiar. If he hadn't been, I would have looked for musical renditions on the web. (There is a great one of somebody reciting Beowulf.) He is also familiar with the background history and culture or I would have gone over that briefly, too. I just made sure he knew how long it was between The Odyssey and the Greek plays we read. As we read it, we listened to the TC tapes in the car from time to time, but except for the first few and the last few, they were mostly a recap of the plot. I would consider them optional. If we hadn't done them, I would have had my son look at whether there was a Homer or not. (Just in case it is helpful.) Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kfamily Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 Thanks Nan, I love these suggestions. I never thought of having her read more than one version and deciding which she liked better. And she'll love seeing the differences in translations, because she loves languages. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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