Feedback needed on this 11th grade essay on Machiavelli. TIA!

[ereks mom]

The question was "How did Machiavelli demonstrate Humanist ideals in The Prince? Here is EK's essay:

 

 

Humanist Ideals in Machiavelli’s The Prince

 

 

 

In the Renaissance period, many changes in religion and beliefs were taking place. A new belief system called Humanism was gaining prominence. Renaissance Humanism can be defined simply as the belief that man, not God, holds power over humans’ everyday affairs. Humanists believed that the intellectual and artistic abilities of humanity were incredibly important. Thus, knowledge became synonymous with popularity and power. One man demonstrating the values of Humanism was Niccolo Machiavelli, author of The Prince.

 

Machiavelli believed the arts to be exceedingly important for the city as a whole. He wrote that, "A prince must… honor those who excel in every art. Moreover he must encourage his citizens to follow their callings…whether in commerce, or agriculture, or any other trade that men follow... [The prince] should offer rewards to whoever does these things, and to whoever seeks in any way to improve his city or state." This fits with the Humanist idea that the arts and intelligence in general are important to demonstrate a high level of advancement in society.

 

One largely Humanist ideal Machiavelli showed in his works was the recurring stress on the importance of popularity, specifically as a tool to gain power. He stated not only that, “…above all a prince must endeavor in every action to obtain fame for being great and excellent,” but also that “…he ought to pay attention to all these groups, mingle with them from time to time and give them an example of his humanity and munificence, always upholding, however, the majesty of his dignity, which must never be allowed to fail in anything whatever.” Machiavelli seems to believe that fame and power are among the most important things in life, and that relationships are simply the stepping stones to these accomplishments.

 

Possibly the most notably Humanist concept in Machiavelli’s The Prince was that “the end justifies the means.” While Machiavelli never said that exact statement, some of his content seems to lean toward this idea. For example, with his statement, “…a prince wishing to keep his state is very often forced to do evil…” he appears to condone evil works, as long as the prince is able to keep his state! This is clearly an example of Humanism, as in these circumstances, man is trying to maintain control at any cost and rejects the will of God.

 

Machiavelli felt that knowledge and creativity were important because they enabled a man to gain recognition for his accomplishments. With “right” relationships, a man could rise to power. A leader’s power must be maintained and his status increased whatever the cost. To Machiavelli, a man was in command of his own destiny--he could attain greatness through his own efforts.

 

 

 

NOTE: IMO, she needs one more sentence added to that last paragraph--a great summary statement at the very end of the paper. What do you say?

Edited September 28, 2011 by ereks mom

[ereks mom]

bump :)

[ereks mom]

another bump :)

[ereks mom]

bumping again...

[Teachin'Mine]

Beautifully written! Should humanism be capitalized? I honestly have no idea.

 

I think you're right that there should be something more in the concluding paragraph - maybe something tying this in with the present day? or her impression of the book or what rang true or untrue for her?

 

I'd also suggest adding a bit more explanation in the preceding paragraph. In what way is he rejecting the will of God?

 

Great paper!

[eewaggie99]

 

Here are my comments.

 

 

 

 

Humanist Ideals in Machiavelli’s The Prince

 

 

 

In the Renaissance period, many changes in religion and beliefs were taking place. A new belief system called Humanism was gaining prominence. Renaissance Humanism can be defined simply as the belief that man, not God, holds power over humans’ everyday affairs. Humanists believed that the intellectual and artistic abilities of humanity were incredibly important. [more important than what? after life, spiritual growth, moral edification?] Thus, knowledge became synonymous with popularity and power. [is is it that knowledge was synonymous or that knowledge led to] One man demonstrating the values of Humanism was Niccolo Machiavelli, author of The Prince. [i would reword this sentence for clarity: Was Machiavelli demonstrating Humanist ideals or writing about them? The Prince isn't about Machiavelli; it outlines a philosophy for a leader to follow to gain and hold power.]

 

Machiavelli believed the arts to be exceedingly important for the city as a whole. He wrote that, "A prince must… honor those who excel in every art. Moreover he must encourage his citizens to follow their callings…whether in commerce, or agriculture, or any other trade that men follow... [The prince] should offer rewards to whoever does these things, and to whoever seeks in any way to improve his city or state." This fits with the Humanist idea that the arts and intelligence in general are important to demonstrate a high level of advancement in society. [The quote is too long for the paragraph. It should be pulled out as a block quote or summarized. Since there are only three sentences (Topic, Quote, Conclusion), I would recommend more for this paragraph. Why were tradesmen and artists important? Is it because they have great influence in society?]

 

One largely Humanist ideal Machiavelli showed in his works was the recurring stress on the importance of popularity, specifically as a tool to gain power. He stated not only that, “…above all a prince must endeavor in every action to obtain fame for being great and excellent,†but also that “…he ought to pay attention to all these groups, mingle with them from time to time and give them an example of his humanity and munificence, always upholding, however, the majesty of his dignity, which must never be allowed to fail in anything whatever.†Machiavelli seems to believe that fame and power are among the most important things in life, and that relationships are simply the stepping stones to these accomplishments. [Again, the quotes take up a substantial portion of this paragraph. Paraphrase the last quote and analyze it. Why was mingling important? What did he gain from popularity? How did this support the Humanist ideal? Did it help the leader control his own fate?]

 

Possibly the most notably Humanist concept in Machiavelli’s The Prince was that “the end justifies the means.†While Machiavelli never said that exact statement, some of his content seems to lean toward this idea. For example, with his statement, “…a prince wishing to keep his state is very often forced to do evil…†he appears to condone evil works, as long as the prince is able to keep his state! This is clearly an example of Humanism, as in these circumstances, man is trying to maintain control at any cost and rejects the will of God. [i would add clarification re: "ends justifies..." making it clear it's a trope and not a direct quote. This is probably the best paragraph of the three. There's an opening, a supporting quote, analysis, and then a closing statement.]

 

Machiavelli felt that knowledge and creativity were important because they enabled a man to gain recognition for his accomplishments. With the “right†relationships, a man could rise to power [The previous sentence makes it clear "right" is Machiavelli's opinion, not the author's; no need to add quotation marks]. A leader’s power must be maintained and his status increased whatever the cost. To Machiavelli, a man was in command of his own destiny--he could attain greatness through his own efforts. [i think this conclusion is fine. The sentences tie into the previous paragraphs (knowledge, popularity, determination) and it's a good closing.]

 

[Overall, I believe it's a good essay. The voice comes through, there's variety in sentence structure and word usage, and quotes are used to support the theme. Add a bit more analysis to the supporting quotes, and it should be complete.]

[Tullia]

The question was "How did Machiavelli demonstrate Humanist ideals in The Prince? Here is EK's essay:

 

 

Humanist Ideals in Machiavelli’s The Prince

 

 

 

In the Renaissance period, many changes in religion and beliefs were taking place. A new belief system called Humanism was gaining prominence. Renaissance Humanism can be defined simply as the belief that man, not God, holds power over humans’ everyday affairs. Humanists believed that the intellectual and artistic abilities of humanity were incredibly important. Thus, knowledge became synonymous with popularity and power. One man demonstrating the values of Humanism was Niccolo Machiavelli, author of The Prince.

 

Machiavelli believed the arts to be exceedingly important for the city as a whole. He wrote that, "A prince must… honor those who excel in every art. Moreover he must encourage his citizens to follow their callings…whether in commerce, or agriculture, or any other trade that men follow... [The prince] should offer rewards to whoever does these things, and to whoever seeks in any way to improve his city or state." This fits with the Humanist idea that the arts and intelligence in general are important to demonstrate a high level of advancement in society.

 

One largely Humanist ideal Machiavelli showed in his works was the recurring stress on the importance of popularity, specifically as a tool to gain power. He stated not only that, “…above all a prince must endeavor in every action to obtain fame for being great and excellent,” but also that “…he ought to pay attention to all these groups, mingle with them from time to time and give them an example of his humanity and munificence, always upholding, however, the majesty of his dignity, which must never be allowed to fail in anything whatever.” Machiavelli seems to believe that fame and power are among the most important things in life, and that relationships are simply the stepping stones to these accomplishments.

 

Possibly the most notably Humanist concept in Machiavelli’s The Prince was that “the end justifies the means.” While Machiavelli never said that exact statement, some of his content seems to lean toward this idea. For example, with his statement, “…a prince wishing to keep his state is very often forced to do evil…” he appears to condone evil works, as long as the prince is able to keep his state! This is clearly an example of Humanism, as in these circumstances, man is trying to maintain control at any cost and rejects the will of God.

 

Machiavelli felt that knowledge and creativity were important because they enabled a man to gain recognition for his accomplishments. With “right” relationships, a man could rise to power. A leader’s power must be maintained and his status increased whatever the cost. To Machiavelli, a man was in command of his own destiny--he could attain greatness through his own efforts.

 

 

 

NOTE: IMO, she needs one more sentence added to that last paragraph--a great summary statement at the very end of the paper. What do you say?

 

My general advice about writing conclusions would be to have her write a draft conclusion early on, and refer to it as she writes. This draft conclusion should be made up of those points she'd like the reader to take away from reading the essay. Sometimes the writing process takes on a life of its own and veers off course so keeping the rough draft of the conclusion in mind as she works will help make sure that it ties in with the body of the essay. The final version of the conclusion can and probably should be expanded depending on how/to what extent different ideas are developed within the body of the essay; it should recapitulate all the major points developed in the body of the essay.

 

For an 11th grade student I'd also ask for some brief historical context, and would suggest that she employ some compare/contrast techniques showing how many humanists sought to emulate certain ancient and classical ideas (especially the practice of civic virtues) and distance themselves from medieval ideas.

 

The fourth paragraph could be developed into a stand-alone essay, if desired. :D

 

Two things you might want to discuss if you've reached the point of giving her a taste of what to expect in college:

 

“right” relationships

She needs to expand on this some. A college instructor is likely to label the above as a vagary. My ds can tell how he found that out. :D And, I warned him about this many, many times...:glare:

 

Another thing that she might hear in college is to be careful to use the present tense when writing about Machiavelli's works. It's appropriate to use the past tense when discussing other aspects of his life and historical context. We spend so much time in the younger years stressing consistent use of verb tense that it's sometimes hard to keep that in mind.

 

ETA: After reading some of the other threads, I find myself reflecting on how difficult it is to offer suggestions to students about whom I know very little. It is, I suppose, valid to offer comments based on what a student may encounter in specific situations, but doing so may or may not be helpful. Without knowing another family's educational background and goals it's all too possible to make comments which may be theoretically correct but not pertinent to what a student might be working on at any given time.

Edited September 28, 2011 by Martha in NM
added thoughts...

[ereks mom]

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! :thumbup: