Am I being petty about this?... probably...

[creativish]

Just got done reading in the Christmas thread, so it got me thinking...

 

We always buy gifts for DH's 2 siblings' families/kids (not always mine, no big deal). Last year we decided to have everyone spend X amount per family, which I thought went over well (nicer gifts to share). This year my SIL said that she would rather have the kids draw names and leave it at that. We have the most kids (5 at the moment) and his bro has 2 and sis has 3. So since we have half the kids, the other 2 families will have to pick from our kids names and we will get every single other kid just so we don't have to buy for our own.:001_huh:

 

For some reason this is getting to me a bit.

Is this just what I will come to expect having a larger family?

We have the smallest budget by at least half, so it's definitely not a $$ issue for them, but something still bugs me about this, am I being petty? Am I missing something? Should we follow suit and just buy for all the kids? Or should I speak up and try to do it like last year, which I thought worked well for everyone? :confused::confused:

(I really like to avoid confrontation as much as possible, by the way)

[mrs.m]

(I really like to avoid confrontation as much as possible, by the way)

 

I don't think you are being petty. It seems unfair. So you have to confront the situation and speak up. Or you have to go with the flow and agree with yourself to not be bitter.

[Impish]

I'm confused.

 

Other sibs are saying that they'd rather draw names than buy for 7-8 kids. I don't honestly see anything wrong with that. I don't see anything unfair in it, either.

 

I'd also caution you against putting your hand in someone else's pocket and counting their money. You don't know the ins and outs of their finances, their debts, etc...and frankly, its none of your business what their budget is.

 

If it bothers you too much, opt out.

[MeaganS]

Is this just what I will come to expect having a larger family?

 

This. I think you have more kids, so it is expected that there are more gifts given because there are more people to give gifts.

 

In our very large family growing up, my parents and aunts and uncles just rotated families that you buy for, making it so each family only had one family to be responsible for. This is how we've been doing it for myself and my younger siblings as well, and it works great. No one in our family could afford 70 or more extended family gifts, as that was how many people we would have had to buy for.

[CalicoKat]

Just got done reading in the Christmas thread, so it got me thinking...

 

We always buy gifts for DH's 2 siblings' families/kids (not always mine, no big deal). Last year we decided to have everyone spend X amount per family, which I thought went over well (nicer gifts to share). This year my SIL said that she would rather have the kids draw names and leave it at that. We have the most kids (5 at the moment) and his bro has 2 and sis has 3. So since we have half the kids, the other 2 families will have to pick from our kids names and we will get every single other kid just so we don't have to buy for our own.:001_huh:

 

For some reason this is getting to me a bit.

Is this just what I will come to expect having a larger family?

We have the smallest budget by at least half, so it's definitely not a $$ issue for them, but something still bugs me about this, am I being petty? Am I missing something? Should we follow suit and just buy for all the kids? Or should I speak up and try to do it like last year, which I thought worked well for everyone? :confused::confused:

(I really like to avoid confrontation as much as possible, by the way)

 

Our family went through this too. Can you suggest buying that instead of individual name exchange you could do a family gift exchange. The gift would be something for the entire family -- like a nice board game, a gift certificiate to the movies, or something. It might be harder to come up with a gift idea for a group of kids but it would be more "fair" in terms of money spent.

 

Or you could suggest doing away with the gift exchange idea all together and find a service project instead for the kids contribute their $$ to do. Angel Tree, visiting a retirement home and passing out homemade cookies, making no-sew fleece blankets for the local Crisis Pregnancy (we did that one year, it was a blast!), contributing & serving at the local food pantry....

 

Our family eventually got to the point of no kid gift exchange. We all just buy for the gparents and open their gifts to the kids. Ours is the largest family.

[BMW]

Well, based on the numbers, that's the way it works. I like the idea that you would buy for the family instead and that it works better for you that way, but since you don't like the confrontation and are a peacemaker, you now have to deal with the numbers...

 

So, I propose you have your cake and eat it, too... How about finding something small for each child, but getting one gift for each family? If you are able to find some treats or goodies that don't cost much, would that work? It doesn't have to be food...

 

Depending on the ages, you could get inexpensive baskets to fill with holiday type things... Target sells lots of holiday theme socks in all sizes in their bargain aisle... stickers, etc. They even sell all sorts of baskets... all color, sizes and styles! If girls are able to, maybe some little fingernail polishes... etc.

 

Anyway, if it were me and I was able, I'd start getting a few things like that each week to set aside, and put together the gift baskets for them at Christmas.

 

You could just get each child a gift... you could try to get each child some little treats so that they each have a gift and present the family with a "larger" gift that is for the family...

 

Hope it works out for you!! I know how this goes... I had 7 kids in 10 years and I was in that position a few times myself!

[creativish]

Thanks for the input, I just didn't want to raise a fuss if I was wrong in my thinking. I think I'll mention trying to do it how we did last year, grouped as families and see how it goes. :001_smile: It's not really a big deal either way. I was planning on buying something for all of them anyway.

 

It really wouldn't make sense for our kids to draw each others' names since most of them are really young (oldest is 9). I think I mentioned this to SIL (it's been a while since it was talked about).

 

My SIL is my neighbor and our kids are the same ages, are in the same class together, so I know a lot more about them than most people know their SIL. We get along just fine. I only mentioned the money thing because I thought people might assume it was because of that.

[LucyStoner]

Maybe I am missing something but your SILs suggestion seems ok to me. One gift per kid is received. It seems fair to me.

 

I see how doing it at the family level is nice and is also fair but both ways seem equally fair to me.

[Ellie]

Our family eventually got to the point of no kid gift exchange. We all just buy for the gparents and open their gifts to the kids. Ours is the largest family.

I'd be good with this. :)

[Brigitte]

In my family, we eventually did away with the gift exchange. It got too complicated and more of a pain than a pleasure. We did the drawing of names, just family gifts etc. until we finally all decided to just give it up. The kids just didn't need anymore stuff. My vote would be to either stop the exchange altogether or do family gifts.

[Liza Lee]

There's no way to make it "fair." They were probably peeved when they were buying for each child and had to give so many presents and weren't getting all that many in return.

 

In my XH's family we did the same thing for awhile, but we have 5 kids, BIL has 6, and SIL has 1. It didn't work very well, and we ended up stopping the gifts several years ago.

[creativish]

I'd be good with this. :)

 

I agree, but alas, not my place to make the decisions;)

[Plink]

Maybe I am missing something but your SILs suggestion seems ok to me. One gift per kid is received. It seems fair to me.

 

Yeah, I see your SIL's point. It really isn't fair for one family to have to buy a dozen gifts and another to only need to buy 6 (or whatever the numbers work out to in your family) ... Although I think your set amount per family rule sounded very fair.

 

*said gently and sincerely, no judgement at all* This is Christmas we are discussing. It should be a fun day, not a day of resentment. If you are having a hard time giving, don't give. Opt out and do something that will put you in a better mood.

Edited September 26, 2011 by LibertyH

[Parker Martin]

Someone once suggested that our family switch to this drawing names method of gift giving so that "each family only has to get as many gifts as they will receive."

 

It, in my opinion rightfully, did not go over well.

 

I like the idea of a present for each family or just cheaper gifts if the lists are getting too long.

[*********]

Just got done reading in the Christmas thread, so it got me thinking...

 

We always buy gifts for DH's 2 siblings' families/kids (not always mine, no big deal). Last year we decided to have everyone spend X amount per family, which I thought went over well (nicer gifts to share). This year my SIL said that she would rather have the kids draw names and leave it at that. We have the most kids (5 at the moment) and his bro has 2 and sis has 3. So since we have half the kids, the other 2 families will have to pick from our kids names and we will get every single other kid just so we don't have to buy for our own.:001_huh:

 

For some reason this is getting to me a bit.

Is this just what I will come to expect having a larger family?

We have the smallest budget by at least half, so it's definitely not a $$ issue for them, but something still bugs me about this, am I being petty? Am I missing something? Should we follow suit and just buy for all the kids? Or should I speak up and try to do it like last year, which I thought worked well for everyone? :confused::confused:

(I really like to avoid confrontation as much as possible, by the way)

 

 

Aaaaand this is why I dislike celebrating Christmas.

 

Uh, gonna be honest here, yeah I think you're being petty. They did the gift exchange the way you wanted last year, now they want to try something else. Who cares?!

 

It's all silly, IMO. *Gifts* are supposed to be just that. A gift. Not an obligation based on family 'rules'. Honestly, I think it's all silly, and we should buy gifts for whoever we want whenever we want, not based on some silly 'family rule' or date on the calendar.

 

But yeah, let the family try it a different way this year if they want. I always hear people say how 'Christmas isn't really about the gifts'. Well, if that's true, then you shouldn't care how the gift giving 'rules' are set up.

 

Ugh. Sorry. Just the whole thing bothers me. It's so contrived and whatnot. We did all this 'gift giving/rule changing' nonsense in our extended family in years past. Thankfully, it's all been done away with now.

[creativish]

Yeah, I see your SIL's point. It really isn't fair for one family to have to buy a dozen gifts and another to only need to buy 6 (or whatever the numbers work out to in your family).

 

*said gently and sincerely, no judgement at all* This is Christmas we are discussing. It should be a fun day, not a day of resentment. If you are having a hard time giving, don't give. Opt out and do something that will put you in a better mood.

 

Which is kinda why it surprised me that she wanted to change it in the first place... last year with family gifts you could do it however-- if you wanted to buy 12+ gifts, you could, or if you wanted to only buy 2 that worked too.

 

It truly isn't a big deal, its just nice to get other opinions on it. It only popped in my mind after reading the Christmas thread. I feel better about it already.:001_smile:

I am thankful for my in-laws, they are the most normal people I know:D

[Ginevra]

Just got done reading in the Christmas thread, so it got me thinking...

 

We always buy gifts for DH's 2 siblings' families/kids (not always mine, no big deal). Last year we decided to have everyone spend X amount per family, which I thought went over well (nicer gifts to share). This year my SIL said that she would rather have the kids draw names and leave it at that. We have the most kids (5 at the moment) and his bro has 2 and sis has 3. So since we have half the kids, the other 2 families will have to pick from our kids names and we will get every single other kid just so we don't have to buy for our own.:001_huh:

 

For some reason this is getting to me a bit.

Is this just what I will come to expect having a larger family?

We have the smallest budget by at least half, so it's definitely not a $$ issue for them, but something still bugs me about this, am I being petty? Am I missing something? Should we follow suit and just buy for all the kids? Or should I speak up and try to do it like last year, which I thought worked well for everyone? :confused::confused:

(I really like to avoid confrontation as much as possible, by the way)

 

This is exactly how we do it in dh's family. I think it's a great way to do it. Yes, you have to buy for each of the cousins, but unless you agreed to simply not exchange gifts at all, wouldn't you do this anyway? The family that has 2 kids probably does not want to have to buy 8 kids gifts (Your 5 and the other sib's 3) and the family with 3 kids would have to buy 7 kids gifts. You should not complain about having to buy 5 gifts, because your large family is the factor making it for more kids in the first place; it should be an expectation you accept by having more kids, just as you have to accept that you probably won't ever drive a Miata. Also, you are receiving five gifts, so it balances out ultimately.

 

We actually don't draw names anymore. We have a "gift wheel" that we rotate so that it spreads it out a little better, but dh has 5 siblings, so there are more people to spread it among.

[ProudGrandma]

I didn't have the time to read everyone's reply, but I guess if it were me, I would simply set a budget of how much I will spend in total, divide that by the number of kids and try extra hard to find nice things within my budget. Make a few things, trade favors with a friend who can make neat things, start watching right NOW for sales and try to think outside the box for ideas. Hope that helps a little anyway.

[LeslieAnneLevine]

Does doing it this way mean that you only give gifts to the kids and not the parents? If so, that sounds a lot easier and more fun to me. I'd try it this year and see how it goes. At least if you really hate it and want to change it back next year, no one can say that you didn't even try it.

 

As far as the numbers go, I agree with the PPs that it's fair, but so is your idea about exchanging gifts as a family to each family. I won't say you're being petty because I know how this holiday stuff goes sometimes--it can mess with your emotions!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Maybe I am missing something but your SILs suggestion seems ok to me. One gift per kid is received. It seems fair to me.

 

I see how doing it at the family level is nice and is also fair but both ways seem equally fair to me.

 

:iagree: Same here. Maybe I don't fully understand.

[creativish]

Does doing it this way mean that you only give gifts to the kids and not the parents? If so, that sounds a lot easier and more fun to me. I'd try it this year and see how it goes. At least if you really hate it and want to change it back next year, no one can say that you didn't even try it.

 

As far as the numbers go, I agree with the PPs that it's fair, but so is your idea about exchanging gifts as a family to each family. I won't say you're being petty because I know how this holiday stuff goes sometimes--it can mess with your emotions!

 

Yeah it is pretty much just gifts for the kids. (much more fun that way for sure!)

 

It just feels kinda weird if they'd all have to buy for my kids and not for each others'. I'd rather they just get our kids something simple to share so they can include the other kids too. I don't want to be the present ogre!:eek:

[Amy in NH]

Our family went through this too. Can you suggest buying that instead of individual name exchange you could do a family gift exchange. The gift would be something for the entire family -- like a nice board game, a gift certificiate to the movies, or something. It might be harder to come up with a gift idea for a group of kids but it would be more "fair" in terms of money spent.

 

Or you could suggest doing away with the gift exchange idea all together and find a service project instead for the kids contribute their $$ to do. Angel Tree, visiting a retirement home and passing out homemade cookies, making no-sew fleece blankets for the local Crisis Pregnancy (we did that one year, it was a blast!), contributing & serving at the local food pantry....

 

Our family eventually got to the point of no kid gift exchange. We all just buy for the gparents and open their gifts to the kids. Ours is the largest family.

 

:iagree:

[mrs.m]

I agree, but alas, not my place to make the decisions;)

 

But why is it only your SIL's? Who makes the decisions?

[Pretty in Pink]

I don't understand exactly what you are upset about. Can you clarify?

 

Is it that you/dh will have to buy 5 gifts while the other families will only have to buy 2 or 3? Is it that your family will be receiving more gifts, technically, since you have more children (you said you don't want to come across as an 'ogre'). Is it that they went with your suggestion of family gifts last year but apparently didn't care for it since it has been changed this year?

[PeacefulChaos]

nvm

Edited September 26, 2011 by PeacefulChaos

[creativish]

I don't understand exactly what you are upset about. Can you clarify?

 

Is it that you/dh will have to buy 5 gifts while the other families will only have to buy 2 or 3? Is it that your family will be receiving more gifts, technically, since you have more children (you said you don't want to come across as an 'ogre'). Is it that they went with your suggestion of family gifts last year but apparently didn't care for it since it has been changed this year?

 

Eh, it was a variety of things. I just wanted to understand the side of the issue I was missing, and I think the replies in this thread helped me figure it out.

I guess it just caught me off guard that she would want to pick names since the numbers are so weird (as in there isn't much surprise, they shop for my kids, I shop for theirs). I don't know if the family gift was my idea or not last year, I can't remember. And yes, honestly, it does somewhat bug me that she would rather just get a gift for 2-3 kids, but not enough to get upset or anything, I get it, we have more kids, it is a burden getting gifts. We celebrate a LOT with this side of the family and we are really close so I was a little taken aback and didn't want to over-react or anything. It's just not something I would have come up with if I had the smaller family.

I've made peace with it now, no big deal either way it ends up.

 

I still feel new to the "larger family" label, so I don't know what to expect when issues like this come up, we've never had a "too many kids" problem yet. Next year we'll have 7 and I don't even want to think how it will change!!:eek:

Edited September 26, 2011 by creativish

[Parker Martin]

I find the SIL's suggestion irksome because it assumes that Christmas giving is about obligation. "Let's make sure that nobody gives more than they'll receive, and anybody who receives a lot had better give a lot."

 

I buy presents for my nieces and nephews because I love doing it. I would do it even if their parents bought nothing for our family.

 

Christmas isn't about making sure everybody is evened out.

 

(And no, my family is not the large family in our extended family.)

 

ETA: The implied, "Ugh! You all have so many kids. We are sicking of buying for all of them," annoys me too.

[creativish]

I find the SIL's suggestion irksome because it assumes that Christmas giving is about obligation. "Let's make sure that nobody gives more than they'll receive, and anybody who receives a lot had better give a lot."

 

I buy presents for my nieces and nephews because I love doing it. I would do it even if their parents bought nothing for our family.

 

Christmas isn't about making sure everybody is evened out.

 

(And no, my family is not the large family in our extended family.)

 

ETA: The implied, "Ugh! You all have so many kids. We are sicking of buying for all of them," annoys me too.

 

Yeah, I think it is the burden of finding all the gifts is what bugs her. She'd rather spend twice as much to get something done than to take a little extra time and find a good deal.

I guess I welcome the challenge :tongue_smilie:

[Chris in VA]

Y'know, we just decided to go with getting birthday presents (little, sweet things, like a $5 gift cert or something), and let Christmas go. Dh has 6 siblings, and there are 13 grandkids/cousins. We often go in on a Heifer gift with one of his sisters, with whom we are the closest. It's just too hard to buy for teens that you don't know well. And no one could afford much, so it was always little carp gifts, anyway--who needs more of that? For some reason, it's sweet at a birthday, because it's just a little "happy" gift, but the little gift at Christmas was because no one could afford a lot of gifts.

 

When the kids were old enough, they were fine with dropping the gift giving and giving something to someone who really needed it.

 

Maybe eventually you will get to that point.

[silliness7]

Just got done reading in the Christmas thread, so it got me thinking...

 

We always buy gifts for DH's 2 siblings' families/kids (not always mine, no big deal). Last year we decided to have everyone spend X amount per family, which I thought went over well (nicer gifts to share). This year my SIL said that she would rather have the kids draw names and leave it at that. We have the most kids (5 at the moment) and his bro has 2 and sis has 3. So since we have half the kids, the other 2 families will have to pick from our kids names and we will get every single other kid just so we don't have to buy for our own.:001_huh:

 

For some reason this is getting to me a bit.

Is this just what I will come to expect having a larger family?

We have the smallest budget by at least half, so it's definitely not a $$ issue for them, but something still bugs me about this, am I being petty? Am I missing something? Should we follow suit and just buy for all the kids? Or should I speak up and try to do it like last year, which I thought worked well for everyone? :confused::confused:

(I really like to avoid confrontation as much as possible, by the way)

 

I don't think I understand. You have 5 kids and the other 5 kids are spread between 2 other families.

 

Your family will have to purchase 5 presents and distribute them 2 to one family and 3 to another. Then those 2 families will go in together and get 5 gifts, one for each of your kids.

 

Your family buys 5 presents and receives 5 presents.

The other family buys 2 presents and receives 2 presents.

The last family buys 3 presents and receives 3 presents.

 

Is that right? What am I missing? That seems fair, fun, and reasonable to me. But I am open to the fact that I'm missing something.

 

I personally like the idea of exchanging names....less gifts all around, less consumerism, less emphasis on gifts. But it's still fun.

 

 

 

 

I'm still thinking....

 

 

If I understand the way you did it last year...

Say, you agreed on a $10 amount for each kid.

Your family has to buy 5 gifts and spend $50.

 

Family with 2 kids has to buy 5 gifts for your family and 3 gifts for the other family. $80 spent. They receive 2 gifts valued at $20.

 

Family with 3 kids has to buy 5 gifts for your family and 2 gifts for the other family. $70 spent. They receive 3 gifts valued at $30.

 

Your family gets 5 gifts ($50) from one family and another 5 gifts ($50) from the other family. You net $100 in gifts and spend $50.

 

I totally don't understand what I'm missing. What am I missing?

The name swap seems much more equitable. :confused:

 

ETA: going to read the replies now 'cause I don't get it.

 

ETA2: O.K. I AM missing something just in re-reading your post. The families spend X amount per FAMILY and not per kid, right?

 

So you say $50 per family.

You spend $50 for 2 presents for one family and $50 on 3 presents for another family.

You receive $50 for 5 presents from one family and $50 for 5 presents from the other family.

So families are spending and receiving the same amount. But your kids get smaller presents. Maybe if you do group presents then this isn't an issue. The other way that has been suggested to you still seems fair though. Same amount in and same amount out. You buy 5 presents and get 5 presents. O.K., now to read the replies.

Edited September 26, 2011 by silliness7

[Parker Martin]

Well, as long as we're so concerned with being perfectly even, let's talk about brands and taste. Perhaps there should be a family tribunal to decide what is acceptably tasteful.

 

"Ah, a Haba gift. Very nice. Gift obligation fulfilled."

"A store brand, I see. You'll need to add something to that if you're going to receive the Haba in return. Why are you mad? We're just trying to be fair."

 

Where is the spirit of Christmas in all this?

[RanchGirl]

I'm confused.

 

Other sibs are saying that they'd rather draw names than buy for 7-8 kids. I don't honestly see anything wrong with that. I don't see anything unfair in it, either.

 

I'd also caution you against putting your hand in someone else's pocket and counting their money. You don't know the ins and outs of their finances, their debts, etc...and frankly, its none of your business what their budget is.

 

If it bothers you too much, opt out.

 

:iagree: Also I would say since you chose the method last year, it's reasonable to try your SIL's idea this year and see how it goes... next year you will have tried both and can change it up again or whatever. Either way, I'm sure it will all work out and be fun!

[creativish]

I don't think I understand. You have 5 kids and the other 5 kids are spread between 2 other families.

 

Your family will have to purchase 5 presents and distribute them 2 to one family and 3 to another. Then those 2 families will go in together and get 5 gifts, one for each of your kids.

 

Your family buys 5 presents and receives 5 presents.

The other family buys 2 presents and receives 2 presents.

The last family buys 3 presents and receives 3 presents.

 

Is that right? What am I missing? That seems fair, fun, and reasonable to me. But I am open to the fact that I'm missing something.

 

I personally like the idea of exchanging names....less gifts all around, less consumerism, less emphasis on gifts. But it's still fun.

 

 

 

 

I'm still thinking....

 

 

If I understand the way you did it last year...

Say, you agreed on a $10 amount for each kid.

Your family has to buy 5 gifts and spend $50.

 

Family with 2 kids has to buy 5 gifts for your family and 3 gifts for the other family. $80 spent. They receive 2 gifts valued at $20.

 

Family with 3 kids has to buy 5 gifts for your family and 2 gifts for the other family. $70 spent. They receive 3 gifts valued at $30.

 

Your family gets 5 gifts ($50) from one family and another 5 gifts ($50) from the other family. You net $100 in gifts and spend $50.

 

I totally don't understand what I'm missing. What am I missing?

The name swap seems much more equitable. :confused:

 

ETA: going to read the replies now 'cause I don't get it.

 

ETA2: O.K. I AM missing something just in re-reading your post. The families spend X amount per FAMILY and not per kid, right?

 

So you say $50 per family.

You spend $50 for 2 presents for one family and $50 on 3 presents for another family.

You receive $50 for 5 presents from one family and $50 for 5 presents from the other family.

So families are spending and receiving the same amount. But your kids get smaller presents. Maybe if you do group presents then this isn't an issue. The other way that has been suggested to you still seems fair though. Same amount in and same amount out. You buy 5 presents and get 5 presents. O.K., now to read the replies.

 

Her way does makes sense and it is "fair" as in everyone gets and gives the same number and it would definitely be easier for them to shop, I understand that now.

I guess I still viewed everyone as family units yet instead of individuals so that's where my thinking was off... I'd still shop the same way as last year (for 2 families) and the others would shop for part of 1 family. I got caught up in that muddle.

 

 

Please, this is getting crazier than it's worth. I admitted my wrong-thinking no need to take this further. I already called myself petty in the title... thanks.

[Parker Martin]

The OP isn't petty. The idea that Christmas giving should be planned around making sure that each family gets their rightful monetary equivalent compensation is petty.

 

People should spend what they feel comfortable spending. If one family feels that they're having a hard time financially, they should buy very inexpensive gifts. If one family feels that they have some more money than usual that they'd like to throw around the same year, that's fine too. Christmas is about giving and about receiving graciously, not about making sure each family is balanced in the ledger.