14 yo DS - Very reluctant writer

[mereminerals]

My DS14 wrote this for his composition class he is taking at a co-op. He is definitely a reluctant writer and only writes becuase he has to.

 

I would love to hear what others think of his paper and welcome any suggestions on helping him become a stronger writer.

 

 

Oral Surgery At Its Worse

 

It was very surprising to hear how many people undergo oral surgery every year while talking with my surgeon. There are several common dental procedures such as dental implants, tooth extractions, and tooth exposures. I recently experienced just how serious oral surgery really is and would advise others to avoid it if possible. It is one of the worst things I have gone through. I do not recommend having oral surgery unless it is absolutely necessary because of the excruciating pain, horrendous sounds, and unbearable tastes involved in the procedures.

The first thing I remember about my surgery is the excruciating pain. The surgeon began by placing multiple stinging shots into my gums. A scalpel was used to cut into the roof of my mouth to expose a rotten little tooth. Then there was the burning sensation from the instrument he used to stop the bleeding. The pain from the surgery continued for several days after. It is definitely something I do not wish to experience again.

During the procedure, there were many horrendous sounds that echoed through my ear canals. The saw buzzing in my mouth was the first annoyance. I could feel the blade tearing into my gums. Each time a tool hit against the metal tray, it made a clanging noise. I can still remember how each of these noises resonated through my ears.

The unbearable tastes from the surgery were second only to the pain. There was the blood that pooled into my mouth. Burnt flesh fell from the roof of my mouth hitting my tongue. Then there was the taste of the residue coming off the saw. There are not enough words to describe how punjent each of these were.

Oral surgery is a terrible thing to go through. From the excruciating pain to the unbearable tastes, this is an experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Many people suffer through this experience, but are able to undergo it with anesthesia and do not remember all the details. My memory of my procedure may not be typical of many patients. This is one procedure I will caution others to avoid if at all possible.

Edited September 23, 2011 by mereminerals
Inserting Indentations

[EKS]

What was the assignment?

 

I would be thrilled if my 15yo came up with something like this.

[mereminerals]

The assignment was to write an Observation Essay using sensory.

[regentrude]

Quite a good essay! My mouth hurt while reading it.

I had to chuckle a bit when I read the first sentence, though:

 

It was very surprising to hear how many people undergo oral surgery every year while talking with my surgeon. .

 

People undergoing oral surgery while talking with the surgeon -that IS very surprising.

[mjbucks1]

I think he has a nice topic sentence and follows it well as he writes the essay :). The title should say "worst" (not worse...but maybe that was a typo :D). Also, the first sentence sounds like people were talking to the surgeon during the surgery. Perhaps cahnge it to, "Recently, while talking to my oral surgeon, I was surprised to learn how many people....". Also, he uses he word "there" to start many of his sentences. See if he can reword those to a more active form (i.e. the second sentence could start "Common dental procedures include....."). Overall I love the imagery! Good job :)

[Nan in Mass]

What a vivid essay! I thought the descriptions were very good. His conclusion wraps it us nicely. After the introduction, it flowed nicely. I would work on the introduction a bit, though. I tell my children that the introduction is like a funnel - you start off speaking in general terms and then narrow down towards your topic, or you start off with a hook and then speak generally and then narrow it down. I think he was trying to do this when he put the first sentence in such general terms rather than saying, "I was surprised ..."? The end result though, in this case, is a bit confusing and it doesn't flow as nicely as the rest of his essay. I would perhaps tell him to forget about trying to follow the directions for first paragraphs and just say what he wants to say in the order that makes the most sense? Maybe? I'm not sure what the directions were, so it is a bit hard to tell. His first paragraph runs very much like some of the ones my children wrote when they were trying to use that formula, so I am guessing that is what he was trying to do. I would also tell him to watch out for repeated words or phrases. I would suggest putting it aside for a few days and then reading it aloud. When my sons did that, they were usually at least able to identify the problems spots, even if they didn't know how to fix them. I had them mark the spots so I could help because if I left them to fix them by themselves, they tended to eliminate them and wind up with a gutted out essay that didn't work any better than their first attempt.

 

I would have been delighted if my 14yo could have produced this!

Nan

[mereminerals]

Thank you everyone for the comments. I honestly wasn't sure what to think of his essay. He worked really hard on it and was quite pleased.

 

Nan, I believe you are right about using a formula to write. He didn't take the Comp 1 class that was offered last year and jumped straight into Comp 2. He is having to move at a pace that is very fast for him trying to keep up with what is review for most of the class.

[Cindyg]

Honestly, I couldn't even read it. I'm having dental work done Tuesday, and I just couldn't read it.

 

The very first line, though, implies that all these people had surgery while talking with the dentist.