wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I probably should not, but, here it goes. What are the signs of an eating disorder in a teenager? Specifically a young teenager :001_unsure: and specifically purging. And, how would you potentially approach this if upon further awareness you felt this was going on? Would you suspect a new 'activity' in their life a possible cause?? Would you put an end to that activity even if you were unsure put the teenager ABSOLUTELY loved it? Looked forward to it? (not sports or anything where there is physical exercise to make the situation worse.) Basically what should I be watching for? Please pray that this is not the case and that I am completely over reacting!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caraway Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I would say, "I've noticed that you vomit constantly. I suspect you are struggling with an eating disorder and I want to hear your thoughts." Teens rarely expect the direct approach when it comes to touchy subjects and this will unbalance her long enough for you to decide whether the explanation she offers is a cover or a plausible alternative. She is unlikely to break down and confess, although this is also a possibility. She may be so relieved to be called out that she just blurts the truth. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Do you have a good relationship with the child's doctor? Maybe call them for guidance? :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Keep the lines of communication open. Just don't accuse her. FWIW, I did throw up during my teenage years for a couple of months. My mother did accuse me but it turned out I was allergic to something in my diet. So, ask her if she is having tummy issues and that might start the conversation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 Do you have a good relationship with the child's doctor? Maybe call them for guidance? :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: There are rarely dr visits. Only when ABSOLUTELY necessary. Nothing regular :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I don't know the best way to approach it. But definitely follow your mom-gut. It can happen when you least expect it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 I would say, "I've noticed that you vomit constantly. I suspect you are struggling with an eating disorder and I want to hear your thoughts." Teens rarely expect the direct approach when it comes to touchy subjects and this will unbalance her long enough for you to decide whether the explanation she offers is a cover or a plausible alternative. She is unlikely to break down and confess, although this is also a possibility. She may be so relieved to be called out that she just blurts the truth. :grouphug: Keep the lines of communication open. Just don't accuse her. FWIW, I did throw up during my teenage years for a couple of months. My mother did accuse me but it turned out I was allergic to something in my diet. So, ask her if she is having tummy issues and that might start the conversation. You both have good points. They both sound like the right way- Just asking out right to look for quick cover up stories, or slowly start a conversation so there is not immediate walls put up :confused: Why can't life just be easy? :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Here's a really good site that explains how to tell if someone is telling the truth based on eye movements. I've tried it with my kids for fun and it works. I'm guessing eyes darting back and forth would mean a lie with elements of truth or the truth with a lot of embellishment. Exercise caution with left-handers or mixed dominant brains. Often their wiring is exactly the opposite. I'm not suggesting you use it like a lie detector, but it can be very helpful when trying to determine how much your child is actually sharing with you when you doubt but don't want to accuse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stayseeliz Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I'm sure you can google signs for bulemia and purging. I struggled with bulemic tendencies as an older teen when I couldn't lose all the weight I wanted. My mom broached the subject once then dropped it when I lied about it. I wish she'd pushed and gotten me the help I needed. If some sort of activity was encouraging that behavior then it needs to be stopped and fast. Break her arm to get her out of the way of the bus if need be. Message me if you have questions. It's such a tough spot to be in! My mom has a horrible relationship with food that she passed on to both my sister and I. I am trying SO hard not to do that to my girls!! It's a fine line to walk though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 We had a young lady live with us for awhile and she had bulimia. Things that I noticed: looonnnggg amounts of time in the bathroom, with the fan running. Long showers with suspicious noises. Large amounts of food that would go missing overnight (in our case, entire family size boxes of cereal would disappear overnight). That young lady eventually went to Remuda ranch in Arizona for treatment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Plus if she is throwing up for OTHER reasons, she may need to see a doctor? Bulimia is supposed to do a number on your teeth, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Been through it twice. Ugh. There is such a fine line between not pushing enough and pushing too much. And that line is in a different place for different kids. Our family doctor laughed at my concern when oldest dd was losing weight due to anorexia. Not helpful. Our middle daughter is still battling bulimia, but is better than she was a year ago. It's a tough road, but you're not going to get anywhere until you take those first few steps. Lots of support for you here...know that we're here for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2jjka Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Based on experience: Taking showers within a short time of meals - or multiple showers per day. Taking out trash more often than 'usual' Leaving the house within a short time after eating Frequent cavities or chipped or eroded teeth (a dentist is often the first to discover damage) Frequent toothbrushing or use of mouthwash Frequent sore throats or a raspy/hoarse voice Complaints of heart palpitations and dizziness Obsession with counting calories and exercising Obsession with making/preparing food for others Hiding/hoarding food Wearing extremely baggy clothes to hide weight loss Perfectionist tendencies in other areas of life Weight loss is not always a factor. The person could be a perfectly 'normal' weight and still be suffering from an E.D. I would suggest approaching them in a caring and concerned manner, and if they admit it be supportive. Truthfully - they might be secretly craving attention and just waiting for someone to notice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 Thank you everybody for all the advice and ideas. And a few signs to watch out for I never would have thought about!! Keep the advice/ideas coming. Also, thank you for the encouragement! If this does end up being the case then I will need all I can get :crying::001_unsure: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I probably should not, but, here it goes. What are the signs of an eating disorder in a teenager? Specifically a young teenager :001_unsure: and specifically purging. And, how would you potentially approach this if upon further awareness you felt this was going on? Would you suspect a new 'activity' in their life a possible cause?? Would you put an end to that activity even if you were unsure put the teenager ABSOLUTELY loved it? Looked forward to it? (not sports or anything where there is physical exercise to make the situation worse.) Basically what should I be watching for? Please pray that this is not the case and that I am completely over reacting!!! I'm not clear whether it is sports you're talking about, or some other activity? If it is sports (like gymnastics) or dance, is the studio atmosphere healthy? How are other girls there? Do they have normal variations in body types? Eating disorders are about control (trying to regain control when feeling out of control), so if she loves the activity, taking her out might not be the best thing for dealing with the potential eating disorder. Instead, I'd look for another team or studio for her to join. :grouphug: Talking to her is the first step. I agree with the PP not to accuse. I'd also be careful about trying to figure out whether she is telling the truth by her eye movements. My mother used to accuse me of stealing and lying, but in reality she kept misplacing her knitting supplies. I never even touched her things, simply had no interest in her needles and yarn, but her accusations made me very uncomfortable. I'm not sure how I manifested my discomfort, but she'd tell me that she could see by my eyes / face that I wasn't telling the truth. Let me tell you, it was the worst. The absolute worst. I felt so helpless, and betrayed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Thank you everybody for all the advice and ideas. And a few signs to watch out for I never would have thought about!! Keep the advice/ideas coming. Also, thank you for the encouragement! If this does end up being the case then I will need all I can get :crying::001_unsure: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you are worried about this, mama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 I'm not clear whether it is sports you're talking about, or some other activity? If it is sports (like gymnastics) or dance, is the studio atmosphere healthy? How are other girls there? Do they have normal variations in body types? Eating disorders are about control (trying to regain control when feeling out of control), so if she loves the activity, taking her out might not be the best thing for dealing with the potential eating disorder. Instead, I'd look for another team or studio for her to join. :grouphug: Talking to her is the first step. I agree with the PP not to accuse. I'd also be careful about trying to figure out whether she is telling the truth by her eye movements. My mother used to accuse me of stealing and lying, but in reality she kept misplacing her knitting supplies. I never even touched her things, simply had no interest in her needles and yarn, but her accusations made me very uncomfortable. I'm not sure how I manifested my discomfort, but she'd tell me that she could see by my eyes / face that I wasn't telling the truth. Let me tell you, it was the worst. The absolute worst. I felt so helpless, and betrayed. Its not a sports activity. I am just curious because of this being all the sudden (atleast I hope its not been on going) and a new class starting for the first time ever in a new environment she has never been in- just wondering if the two are related at all :confused: They may not be. I don't know what to think right now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 My mother used to accuse me of stealing and lying, but in reality she kept misplacing her knitting supplies. I never even touched her things, simply had no interest in her needles and yarn, but her accusations made me very uncomfortable. I'm not sure how I manifested my discomfort, but she'd tell me that she could see by my eyes / face that I wasn't telling the truth. Let me tell you, it was the worst. The absolute worst. I felt so helpless, and betrayed. :grouphug: That's terrible. I was afraid my post might be taken that way. Just to clarify, watching her daughter's eyes may give the OP a clue as to whether she needs to dig deeper to help her daughter, not as a tool to catch her out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2jjka Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Eating disorders are about control (trying to regain control when feeling out of control), so if she loves the activity, taking her out might not be the best thing for dealing with the potential eating disorder. Instead, I'd look for another team or studio for her to join. :iagree: (I just sent the OP a PM about this very thing) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Its not a sports activity. I am just curious because of this being all the sudden (atleast I hope its not been on going) and a new class starting for the first time ever in a new environment she has never been in- just wondering if the two are related at all :confused: They may not be. I don't know what to think right now :grouphug: So it is going to be the same activity, but in a new environment? Do you mean like she loves "biology", has taken "biology" classes and loved them for years, but is about to start a new "biology" class with new instructors / new classmates? Something like this? Is anything in this set up a stressor for her? Does she truly love "biology" or it is expected that she loves it because she is good at it, and she (a perfectionist?) sets up high or impossible standards for herself? (My DD is somewhat like this and I can sense this in her....). I think the main thing is to be there for her and just listen. When I get nervous (especially when nervous about DD), I want to keep on talking, and DD often reminds me to just listen. Sometimes my mind just goes blank. It *is* difficult to just listen when the topics get difficult, but it is truly the best first step. If you are like me, you might want to read something basic like "How to Talk to your Kids" or something on active listening, and literally make notes to yourself on which phrases to use--no judgement, just listening. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 :grouphug: That's terrible. I was afraid my post might be taken that way. Just to clarify, watching her daughter's eyes may give the OP a clue as to whether she needs to dig deeper to help her daughter, not as a tool to catch her out. No,no, I'm not taking your post the wrong way. :grouphug: It is a good idea to be attentive and aware. I was just trying to make a separate point that if OP is nervous (obviously) over this situation, she might over focus on the eye movements (not saying that she will, I'm just imagining myself in that situation). My understanding is that eye movements mostly indicate stress / nervousness, which often, but not always, implies lying. In short, it is a good tool, but I would caution against using it for the first time in a high stress situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 My understanding is that eye movements mostly indicate stress / nervousness, which often, but not always, implies lying. . Oh, I see. No, the type of eye movements on the link are related to brain wiring. When a typically wired brain attempts recall, eyes shift to the right briefly and repeatedly as the story is told because most people store auditory and visual memories on the left side of the brain. Your eyes are unconsciously attempting to "see" the events again. But when a story is invented from whole cloth, eyes dart to the left as the interior voice is creating. Creative language originates in the right side of the brain for most people. However, in a left -brain dominant individual (usually a left-hander), the eye shift will be reversed. I just tested my left handed 10yo by asking her what she ate for breakfast this morning and her eyes cut to the left as she tried to remember. And when I asked her to tell me a story about a purple monster on the playground this afternoon, she her eyes shifted to the right. Which is opposite what it would be in most people because her brain is wired in the reverse. See? Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I don't know how old she is, but what may help is a mother daughter day. Go get pedicures, chat with her. Ask about her life, her friends, this activity. Then maybe go and get a coffee, and find a quiet place to sit (away from home) remind her that she is entering a stage in life where she might be faced with tough decisions or problems, and that you want her to know that you are there for her. That you will always love her no matter what, and always try to help if she gets in over her head. Ask her point blank if there is anything wrong, or anything she wants to talk about. Follow it up a few times, in the next days. Tell her how much you enjoyed you mother daughter time, maybe you can carve out some more time soon. It might be enough to get the doors to open on their own. *If* she is suffering from Bulimia, it depends how long she has been doing it. If it is recent, that might be enough to get her to talk. You might learn other things along the way too. *if* it is bulimia, you will need to keep your guard up, once a teen has dabbled with an eating disorder, they are more likely to try again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Friederike in Persia Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I've been on the brink of an eating disorder twice and both times it was people picking it up and talking to me (one of them a lot and many times) that stopped me from sliding into it. Your daughter is young, so it's likely that you've still got a close enough relationship with her that you can talk to her yourself. The sooner the better. There might also be somebody else who she respects, that might be able to talk to her. An aunt? An older cousin? A youth group leader if you go to church? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Also you can just do the concerned mom approach, and say you are taking her to the doctor to make sure she doesn't have food poisoning (etc.). Be calm about it - mention, also, that frequent vomiting is bad for the tooth enamel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 What I've noticed in my practice is that the girls who seem to do the best have parents that are proactive, open and loving but firm. I have several patients whose parents won't admit that the girl has an eating disorder. They want to call it something else or bring them in to address it when it's very late. Those girls seem to have a really difficult time getting better. On the other hand, I have several patients whose parents have brought them in very early at the first signs of a problem and who are very open with their daughters about their concerns and those girls seem to do better. As far as the activity, that's hard. Typically, I'm asked about sports and I deny participation based on safety. For some girls the possibility of having to give up the sport/activity they want to do is a motivation to get better. These are typically the girls where it's very early in the illness. And we make sure to phrase it as a concern for health and not a threat. It's not "you can't swim until you gain weight" but "I'm concerned that if you continue to lose weight you are not going to be healthy enough to do some of the things you like, such as swimming." I do see a lot of girls with this issue, and it seems to run in clusters. There is one school near us where a lot of girls struggle with eating disorders. So, it's possible that the other girls in the new activity are more focused on weight or appearance or maybe one of the "cool" girls has an eating disorder. That's just a guess. I think I'd address that openly when you address your concerns. I'd also say that although I don't think you have to run to the doctor, especially if you don't have a close relationship with someone, that it might be helpful if you concerns continue. A lot of the girls I see are also struggling with anxiety or depression and benefit from seeing a counselor. Several have benefited from seeing a nutritionist and a counselor. It's all things that a parent can do but sometimes it's helpful to hear the same information and concerns coming from someone else as well as a parent. * I just wanted to add that I don't mean to imply that if a girl is really struggling with a eating disorder that her parents did something wrong. I think it's sadly very common today and incredibly difficult to overcome. There are plenty of girls who had parents who did everything "right" and who still continued to have a major issue. But the ones who I've seen do well do seem across the board to have parents who are concerned, proactive and very open with their kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Also you can just do the concerned mom approach, and say you are taking her to the doctor to make sure she doesn't have food poisoning (etc.). Be calm about it - mention, also, that frequent vomiting is bad for the tooth enamel. As a doctor, I hate it when people do this. I have a lot of parents who don't tell the kids what they are really bringing them to see me about (ADHD, behaviour issues, eating disorders, depression) and then when they come in they pull me aside and want me to somehow address the issue without telling the kid/teen that they talked to me about it. It puts me in a really difficult place. It's much better in my opinion to say " We're going to see Dr. X because I'm really concerned about the possibility of an eating disorder and I want to have her talk to both of us about that." Without exception, I find the kids who come in being told they are there for one thing and then have me start asking questions related to something else feel like they were tricked or blindsided. It ends up making them trust me less and starting off the whole discussion in a bad way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tapasnaturalles Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) Without reading the other answers... I had anorexia when I was a teenager. It had nothing to do with my weight, it was just my way for coping with things. My mom forced me to eat. She even forced it in my mouth and told me that she would bring me to the hospital, so they could keep me there and bla bla bla... Don't do that... it doesn't work at all. It only makes the child feels bad about it and eat even less. Instead of spending me out, she should've hold me and told me that she was there for me. Always and always, whatever was going on. She would be there to help me. How to notice? I know that I tried to hide it as much as I could. I woke up earlier than the rest of the family, prepared my breakfast and then flushed it through the toilet. Or cover it in paper and hide it in my room and take it outside when I had the possibility. I never threw it in the garbage, cause I knew that when my mom would suspect something, it was the first place she would look. I went to school back then, so for lunch, I just didn't eat. I also drank 5 or 6 liters of water a day and took laxatives (which ruined my intestines :( but at that time, you just don't care.) If I did eat something, I threw up. I lost lots of weight and the hunger made me stronger and determined to just not eat. When my family was around, I ate normally. Just to be sure that they didn't notice it. But offcourse, the laxatives and the throwing up made sure that I didn't had any food in my stomach. What NOT to do: Go behind her back. Don't do that. It makes her feel bad, cause you don't trust her and that is a reason to feel "not good enough", which makes it worse. Just talk to her... tell her what you feel and that you are worried. That you understand that she doesn't want to talk about it, but if she needs you, that you are there for her and that you will help her as much as you can. Repeat that... over and over and over and over and over (you get the picture) again. Spend time with her... make her feel that she is worth fighting for. But do it without talking about it all the time. Just make it obvious in everything you do that you are there. Don't force her... in nothing. Don't force her to talk, don't force her to eat, don't force her to do anything. My mom did... I started eating again, but I also started automutilating. An eating disorder is something in your head. It's a little voice telling you that you can't eat for whatever reason. That voice is strong, stronger than everything you will ever feel. Someone who doesn't experience it, just doesn't understand. Don't try to understand... you can't. I needed to feel loved, which was a no go in my family. My mom told me to be strong, don't whine about anything and be perfect. Also don't do that. I felt the opposite of perfect because I wasn't strong enough... I still hate myself, every single day. I became my own worsed enemy. Just tell her how beautiful she is, how proud you are, how much you love her... cuddle her lots and lots of times a day, make her feel that she is worth it to spend time with, that she is worth it to love... It sounds very "normal" for us, moms, but it isn't for someone with an eating disorder. My mom often told me that I was ok, but I didn't believe her once. I know this is my first post on the boards here, but I read this forum for a long time now and things like this affect me, so I thought I should just answer. Maybe it can help to read the experiences of someone who has been through it... Edited September 20, 2011 by Tapasnaturalles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 An eating disorder is something in your head. It's a little voice telling you that you can't eat for whatever reason. That voice is strong, stronger than everything you will ever feel. Someone who doesn't experience it, just doesn't understand. Don't try to understand... you can't. And from what a young friend shared with me, the voice does not go away just because you start eating healthy again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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