ciyates Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 My BF is in a live in relationship with a man. They have been together for 3 years. He moved into her home. For the last six months things between them have been very rough. He yells at her about the least little things, claims he is so stressed he needs weekends to himself (and he leave state), and in my opinion is pretty emotionally abuse. He and I have a cordial relationship but by no means would I consider him my friend. Because he is so stressed out about life he leaves to go spend time with his friends in another state and at the last minute she asked me to sit with her dad. I was sitting with her elderly father and the Electric company shows up to disconnect the power. I didn't have the 560 to keep it on. So they disconnected the power. I immediately call her at work, text her and leave VM. This is at 8 am. At 3 pm she calls and tells me she is working late. She never got any of my messages. I tell her what is going on and she informs me he pays the electric bill and she is going to call him. She then tells me I can go home. I know she is embarrassed and I don't want to make the situation worse so I say okay and go home. The next day she comes over tells me how upset he is with the way I handled the situation. That I was disrepectful to him. I should have called him immediately to resolve the issue. She is also angry with me. One of the messages I left her stated that I was afraid to call him and she let him listen to that. I was shocked and hurt. I didn't notify him because things are so bad between them. She tells me how he goes on a rampage yelling for hours because she moves his laptop bag. Somehow this turned into me not respecting their relationship because they are not married. I have never said anything to her about that. Everything that came out of her mouth sounded just llike him. After I thought about it for a while I really believed I did the best I could. Even if they had been married I would not have done things differently. Should I have or is this his way of driving a wedge between us? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seraphina Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I don't think you handled this wrong at all. She is your friend not him and I would have called her also. I wish I could offer more advice but sadly all I can say is let her know how much you care about her. You can't force her into getting out of a scary relationship, she will have to figure that one out on her own. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 You did the best you could... What else could you do? I wouldn't have called him either. They are either just utterly mortified and lashing out or he is trying to remove you from her life. Either way, I would just find a way to let her know that you're worried about her and if she needs you in the future, you will try to be there for her, but that this is his fault, not yours and not hers, and you are not going to get involved with him because he sounds verbally abusive...( Not because he is a live in boyfriend). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 She's embarrassed and she knows her relationship with him is in a dangerous spot. She might have called him and he might have yelled at her and the buck got passed to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I'm sorry, I am in a similar spot with my bff, who is not talking to me because I won't approve of abusive loser #4 in her life. I want to still be her friend, but I can't lie and say he is remotely acceptable. We have both known him for years and he is an unfaithful liar. To make matters worse she is exposing her teen children to her relationship with this man and I can't stand the thought of him around her beautiful teenage daughter. It's really scary when someone you love is behaving so irrationally and you are afraid for their safety. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You did the right thing. If you had called him and he had hit her or had one of his fits she would say it was your fault for calling him. I can't imagine why she let him listen to your call, but she is clearly losing her grip on reality to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Back away slowly from the fire. ------------------------- Seriously? YOU were sitting with her DDad and YOU are in hot water? OH, the relationship between him and you, which had previously been cordial would SO NOT BE anymore. I doubt if I were you, he'd still have decent hearing. :lol: This falls under the "No good deed goes unpunished" heading. Many :grouphug: to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 She is an abused woman. This turn of events is no surprise. You did nothing wrong and handled it perfectly. Steer clear though. Let's hope she gets the courage to toss this guy though that's such a long shot given her reaction here. So sorry for your anxiety and her situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iluvmy4blessings Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 You called her to tell her about it b/c she is the one you have the relationship with. It would have been kind of weird for you to call her significant other about it when you all don't really talk. Besides which, it's not YOUR fault that they didn't pay their power bill! Plus you were doing her a favor by staying with her dad. I would just say "ok" and then go on with my life. But I would not be doing her any more favors! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alyeska Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 She got into hot water and used you as her scape goat. :grouphug: You handled the situation just fine. I would've done the same exact thing. Hopefully she will listen to you and get out of that relationship. I would just send her a brief note or leave her a message letting her know that you will be there for her no matter what. That way she knows she will have somewhere to turn when things get worse and she is ready to get out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 She's embarrassed and she knows her relationship with him is in a dangerous spot. She might have called him and he might have yelled at her and the buck got passed to you. Yep. It's easier for her to blame you than to admit where she is in this relationship. That's sad, but it seems obvious. Just love her...from afar....because I doubt she'll be with him much longer. She needs you. Really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I've seen abused women defend their abuser. It's part of the "syndrome" that is just so weird. I'm sorry you had to deal with it. Hopefully she'll be able to get help and get out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Lee Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 She is an abused woman. This turn of events is no surprise. You did nothing wrong and handled it perfectly. Steer clear though. Let's hope she gets the courage to toss this guy though that's such a long shot given her reaction here. So sorry for your anxiety and her situation. :iagree: BTW, I suspect he's having an affair and that's why he's gone so much. If you get an opportunity, please share the links in my siggy with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyh Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 This is a hard situation for you. There is a good chance you will lose her as a friend for a while - simply due to her abusive relationship. Back away adn don't let it be your problem. You can't save her as it seems that she is a sinking ship right now. Let her know that you will always be there for her. ... Whenever reality hits her and this relationship ends, she will hopefully be humble enough/need you enough to come and apologize. ...I just got an apology from an old bff who quit all contact with me 7 years ago, and we are slowly working on restoring the relationship. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 :iagree: with the other posts......I wouldn't have called him I would have called her and let her call him if he handled that expense......doesn't really sound like a good relationship...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 BTW, I suspect he's having an affair and that's why he's gone so much. If you get an opportunity, please share the links in my siggy with her. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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