Jump to content

Menu

s/o not requiring children to move out


Recommended Posts

My kids can stay as long as they want so long as they are doing something with themselves (and not burdening me). If they go to college I won't require rent. If they don't I'd probably require they pay something towards utilities at the very least and take care of their own expenses.

 

This is how we did it with my stepson, and how we'll handle it with ds 14 when he turns 18. When dss wasn't working or in school we expected more of him around the house. While he was in fire school, we expected an amount of work that was reasonable from someone attending school all day plus having homework. When he was working, we expected him to contribute money as well as time, just like any working adult.

 

We did not have rules beyond make sure we know who you're bringing over (we have the right to know who's in our house), let us know if you'll be here for dinner, let us know if you won't be coming home at all tonight, etc.

 

It worked out well with dss and he moved out when he was ready. I'm counting on it someday working out with ds too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
No, I'm not going to kick them out as soon as they turn 18. As long as they're being productive and contributing to the family, they can stay.

 

:iagree: But, I expect some hustle. "Those that strive arise at five. Those that have striven may arise at seven."

 

However, I was Katie-bar-the-door to get out and suspect kiddo will do the same.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My DD18 has moved out before I believe she was really ready. I think she is ready to admit that now. I miss her tons and it doesn't help that she moved 40 minutes away from us. She does call often though (probably 10 times every day).

 

Bah! I miss her! I can't wait to see her tomorrow night and give her tons of hugs and kisses!

Edited by parias1126
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long.

 

:iagree:

Yeah, I don't want them thinking they can live off me forever, kwim? And I won't be taking care of them at that point the way I did when they were younger...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long.

 

:iagree:

 

It seems to me that my adult kids all have more than one friend who is living at home with no job, no school, and no responsibilities and no plan to change anything. In fact, most of my adult children were 'asked' to leave by DH and I because while they were working they did not save any money and spent each paycheck within days of receiving it on foolish things. DH and I told them that we were absolutely not going to feed and house them for the rest of their lives so they could spend their 'own' money foolishly.

I also have to say that I felt they were increasingly disrespectful as they got older, and especially disrespectful of our expenses and our property, doing things like turning the thermostat up to eighty degrees in the winter because they 'felt more comfortable' in shorts and tank tops. And actually complaining about me not putting enough gas in my own car so that they had to put some in to drive around on (without even asking my permission to borrow my car and taking the keys from my purse). And leaving me lists of things to buy for them at the grocery store and expecting me to buy them with my own money. I guess if I had some of those polite, helpful, considerate, frugal young adults I would be happy to have had them stay at home as long as they liked. Now I have considerate, frugal young adults who had to learn the hard way and who live in their own homes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't plan to kick DD out at a certain age.

I figure that she will have at least a home base with us through college, and that she will always be welcome in our house, either as a home or as guest lodgings. I don't particularly want her to leave or to stay. I want to stay flexible and figure out together what the best thing for everyone is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I went back home for my last year of college and first year of work. During that time I was attending school full time and/or working. I paid for my own car and insurance and phone. I also took over the duties of the maid that came and cleaned our house once a week. That was my main contribution to the household. They allowed me to put my salary away into savings (much of it went to buy my car). I also did my own laundry and helped with meals and dishes.

 

I'm not going to give my kids the boot as soon as they turn 18, but I also will not let them just hang out at my house without working or getting an education and helping around the house. Our job is to launch them off into successful adulthood and we will keep that in mind at all times. If they are choosing to work instead of school, I probably would ask for some sort of rent that fits within their earnings and situation, but I would likely put that into a savings account and at some point give that back to them to help with a down payment on a home or some other goal they are trying to achieve. But they don't have to know that. :001_smile:

 

That's a really great idea! I like it... :)

Oh, and I forgot to mention in my last post, I do totally get what the OP is saying... I didn't make any really horrendous decisions when I moved out (17 and my freshman year of college) but I know that sometimes kids can feel like they 'have to go to college' even if they have no idea why. Kwim? I went to college to get the degree everyone expected me to get, thinking that it was *probably* what I wanted. Most kids don't know what they want to do at that age, anyway. I wouldn't change going, that's when I met DH (11 years ago lol), but once we got married (when I was 18) I stopped going to school. I still don't know what I would want to do if I were to go and have a career. Maybe someday I will, like once DD is heading to college :lol: - maybe then I'll have the time and/or the desire!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long.

 

:iagree:

Link to post
Share on other sites
I probably would ask for some sort of rent that fits within their earnings and situation, but I would likely put that into a savings account and at some point give that back to them to help with a down payment on a home or some other goal they are trying to achieve. But they don't have to know that. :001_smile:

 

We plan on doing this too.

 

We plan to heavily encourage our daughters to stay at home until they are married. Of course, if they want to move out, that is their decision and we will encourage them to be well prepared to do so if that is what they want to do. We will encourage our son to stay at home as well, but we are more open to him getting out sooner than the girls. This is mostly due to our beliefs on how a home should be run (men work and support the family, women stay at home once they have children or at least work from home). Either way, if they are home, we fully expect them to contribute to the upkeep and maintenance of the household, to be respectful of us and our rules, and to not lie around all day loafing about. If they are in college, no rent would be required. If they are working, they will be asked for a small sum to "contribute" to household bills, but we plan on putting everything they give us in an account for them(unbeknownst to them) to give to them on their wedding day or towards the purchase of a new home, etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What does it mean that a young adult has "moved out before he/she is ready"? That said young adult makes some mistakes financially? Struggles to juggle all his/her responsibilities? Is homesick? Parties too much?

 

Well, welcome to adulthood. I wouldn't say that a young person shouldn't move out because he or she may face these difficulties. Part of growing up is making mistakes, muddling your way through, and finding your way. For some kids it will be harder than others. And I'm not saying kids need a good swift kick out the door the day they turn 18. But I don't think it's necessary for parents to ensure that their child will face no problems/difficulties before they feel their children are "ready" to leave the nest.

 

I went to college at 17. I lived at my mother's (empty, unoccupied house) one summer, and with friends the other two summers. I moved overseas for a while right after graduating. Upon returning to the States, I lived again in my mother's (empty, unoccupied) house. It was nice that she let me do that, but I paid rent (not as much as if I had rented a house myself, but as much as an apartment would have cost me), worked at whatever jobs I could find until I found a job in my field, and was completely responsible for all my own bills and decisions. I honestly can't imagine Mommy taking care of me at 20, 21, 22, or 23 ... or me expecting her to.

 

Tara

Link to post
Share on other sites

If it were up to me, the kids would commute to post secondary education, and move out after graduation.

 

We're not going to be able to pay for their education, so a free place to live, etc is what we can contribute.

 

If they choose to move out, it'll mean mountains of debt upon graduating, and if possible, I'd like to spare them that.

 

Of course, its solely up to them, so who knows what will happen.

 

If they think they'll just sit on the couch and have us support them, they're nuts though :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites

If it is at all possible, mine will live at home for at least their first 2 yrs. of college. If one of them chooses trade school or some sort of apprenticeship, they can live at home too. The only way we would not let them live here is if they behaved like bums - not even trying to get a job, doing drugs, etc. Otherwise, they are welcome to stay and save up until they can be on their own.

Denise

Link to post
Share on other sites

I honestly can't imagine Mommy taking care of me at 20, 21, 22, or 23 ... or me expecting her to.

 

 

This seems to be a more common Western assumption of a young adult living at home. It was true even when I was a young adult living at home - peers couldn't understand how or why I'd want to, but would give me a wink and a nudge about having it easy at home with moms to cook and clean up after me. (Or so they assumed!)

 

Where I'm from, though, living at home in the age range quoted above wouldn't involve Mommy taking care of anyone. Quite the opposite, really! You'd be working, pulling money to help out the family. You may not pay rent, but you'd contribute groceries or even non-tangible things such as babysitting or eldersitting. You'd be doing what you could to free up Mom's time, definitely not expecting her to be taking care of you still.

 

Our personal experiences shape us, and it's so interesting for me to learn how differently people/families will see and handle an identical situation :).

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't plan on forcing my dds to leave but I hope (and think) they will be ready to start their own lives during college. I lived at home until 19 and it was great and I plan on treating my dds the same. I paid for my own things (clothes, food, car, insurance, etc.) but was only expected to clean up after myself and was able to come and go. I was treated respectably and as an adult and I would do the same for my dds.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I am LDS so it's likely both my boys will be off on their own at 19 on their missions. When they come home I am assuming they will move back home for a while to get their bearings but probably move out again very quickly after having two years of independence under their belt.

 

Not sure about my DD - she is headstrong and independent and will probably want to move out on her own quickly as well. I know my DH will be encouraging her to stay :lol: but I'm up to letting her do what she wants.

 

Renting and house prices are insane in Australia -DH and I can't afford to buy a house and can barely pay rent on a good wage so I don't know what it will be like for my kids.

 

I'll just take it as it comes I guess.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Our kids are welcome to live at home as long as they need, but they must be doing something to move their lives forward. If they are working and not going to school then they will be expected to contribute to the household (unless it's truly needed though we would probably put it in savings for them).

 

School, work, or whatever as long as they are working towards independence. My brother lived at home off and on until his early to mid- thirties because my mom enabled him. This is not something I want for my kids.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Am I the only one that won't require my children to move out when they hit legal adult age?

 

I went to college and Uni a few years ago and those children were not ready for the environment they were in.

 

I think it is much healthier to stay at home where you still have family. i watched my nephew and friends choose to move out and they have all gone down hill.

 

I will encourage college or trade school. I will encourage a savings account. I have talked to my boys about having a down paymet for a home when they get married.

 

:seeya: Me too!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

There was never a doubt that I'd go to college, and there was no way that I'd live at home for it and miss out on the whole living independently thing. Had my mom been a real roommate- no judgment, no hours, no restrictions- it would have been one thing. But she would have made me run errands and clean and show up to family events I had no time to show up to. No thank you. After graduating high school, I was ready to get out of that. My college life probably seemed chaotic to "grown-ups", but I got to make my mistakes and live with the consequences. I'm thrilled.

 

The real issue was post-graduation. My mom gave me 3 months to find a job and get out. I lasted about 2 weeks at home before I packed my bags and went across the country to visit a friend, then landed a job at the university there. I had learned how to not be mothered anymore. I didn't want a curfew or chores- I had lived without either for 4 years! Now I can't even imagine living at home. Frankly, it seems like a nightmare. If my mom really needed me for health reasons or whatever- of course I'd go back in a heartbeat. But I'm not 12 anymore. If I want to get home at 4:30 am, sleep until 2 pm and eat pizza and watch tv for the rest of the day, I should get to do that. I can't do that in her place. So I have my own.

Link to post
Share on other sites
There was never a doubt that I'd go to college, and there was no way that I'd live at home for it and miss out on the whole living independently thing. Had my mom been a real roommate- no judgment, no hours, no restrictions- it would have been one thing. But she would have made me run errands and clean and show up to family events I had no time to show up to. No thank you. After graduating high school, I was ready to get out of that. My college life probably seemed chaotic to "grown-ups", but I got to make my mistakes and live with the consequences. I'm thrilled.

 

The real issue was post-graduation. My mom gave me 3 months to find a job and get out. I lasted about 2 weeks at home before I packed my bags and went across the country to visit a friend, then landed a job at the university there. I had learned how to not be mothered anymore. I didn't want a curfew or chores- I had lived without either for 4 years! Now I can't even imagine living at home. Frankly, it seems like a nightmare. If my mom really needed me for health reasons or whatever- of course I'd go back in a heartbeat. But I'm not 12 anymore. If I want to get home at 4:30 am, sleep until 2 pm and eat pizza and watch tv for the rest of the day, I should get to do that. I can't do that in her place. So I have my own.

 

You didn't have chores for 4 years? No cleaning, laundry or food prep? No running errands, shopping for necessities, carpooling, or keeping in touch with people who care about you? I'm sure many college-age students want to know where you went to university!:D

 

I see your points, but there is a difference between you being mothered and you being respectful. *I* don't see errands, cleaning and family events as being restrictive. More along the lines of considerate and contributing to the household. Even most roommates want their roommates to clean up and be considerate.

 

Print out your post and read it when your dc are teens. Your perspective may change.;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
You didn't have chores for 4 years? No cleaning, laundry or food prep? No running errands, shopping for necessities, carpooling, or keeping in touch with people who care about you? I'm sure many college-age students want to know where you went to university!:D

 

I see your points, but there is a difference between you being mothered and you being respectful. *I* don't see errands, cleaning and family events as being restrictive. More along the lines of considerate and contributing to the household. Even most roommates want their roommates to clean up and be considerate.

 

Print out your post and read it when your dc are teens. Your perspective may change.;)

 

 

The chores and errands aren't restrictive in and of themselves- it's just that I have my own schedule. I'm a night-owl, and I do things at weird times. My mom is a light sleeper and wants things done around her own schedule when I'm in her house. It's fair, and when I'm at her place I do what she asks. But I last a very short time before I miss my freedom. Of course I ran errands while I was in college- my errands. I fit phone conversations and trips to stores and trips to the cafeteria in between my classes or at night. I emailed instead of calling or showing up when there was no time. I turned my phone off Sunday mornings when I went out Saturday nights. My room would become an absolute disaster zone around exam time and I'd walk around in pj's regularly without a thought. No mom to tell me my hair was greasy or my clothes were wrinkled or to yell at me for missing class or procrastinating on my assignments. No one to tell me that I couldn't just live on ramen and old pizza for a week because I had spent my whole month's food budget on a truly great dress. Are these things "irresponsible"? Sure. But they were things I loved doing, that didn't affect me negatively for the rest of my life, and that I learned from.

 

I always keep the common areas clean- as you say, that's just common courtesy. I would never make a mess out of her kitchen and not clean up after myself. I'm talking about her walking into my room without knocking and announcing that I should clean, or telling me that she wants me to pick some friend of hers up at the airport at 6am even though she knows how much I hate being up that early. When I'm in her house, I live by her rules. Again, it's fair. She gets to choose the rules, I get to choose to live elsewhere and abide by my own rules. It's better that way. For what it's worth, we talk on the phone almost every day- I'd say we're still very close. But it wouldn't have been good for me to be home any more than I was.

Edited by Medstudent
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mine are welcome to stay as long as they want...as long as they are living their lives in a manner acceptable to me. If they think they can just stay home doing absolutely nothing, they will be asked to leave. If they are students, fine. If they are working, fine. If they are looking for work and helping at home, fine. Just sitting around all day? Sorry, so long.

 

:iagree:

 

This is our take on it as well.

 

Lesley

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ours can stay as long as they need to, but will be expected to be contributing members of the household. Having said that, our oldest chose to move out and I am okay with that. He didn't want to have rules anymore, which is his choice.

 

We don't have a lot of rules, either, but no girlfriends sleeping over is a BIG one.:tongue_smilie: Being in school and having a PT job are also requirements, but flexible depending on the situation. The rule is you have to be productive and pay for your own "stuff." Clean up after yourself and help keep the common areas clean. Don't help yourself to food in the fridge without asking (so no one eats the ingredients for tomorrow night's dinner.) I don't care what time they come in, but sleeping all day the next day isn't likely to happen with so many in the house! I don't care, but you have to be civil even if you came in at 4am and your younger brother wakes you at 9 - I'll make coffee.;) You can pay rent to get out of yard work or common area cleaning (but still have to clean up after yourself.) Laundry is your own deal.

 

Choosing to move out means you are also choosing to support yourself.:D

Edited by Renee in FL
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't imagine I would REQUIRE my kids to move out. I do strive to equip them to be ABLE to move out.

 

I'm pretty sure I'd be over the moon to have responsible adults working hard (for money or education) and being productive at home. Forward momentum is good.

I would be less than thrilled to have an adult at home who is coasting through life, waiting for Mr. or Miss Right to come along as a "reason" to move on.

 

I think it would benefit most young adults to be out on their own for a bit before marriage/family. Yes, some can figure out the enormity of adult responsibility while living at home, but they are rare, based on what I've seen.

Link to post
Share on other sites

No, you are not alone. DH and I were actually discussing this after the other thread and really are on the same page with parenting for the most part.

 

It is a very Western/American thing to kick your kids out.

 

Dh's brother was kicked out, but the rest of them weren't. His brother hit his mom. I do understand that one. You cannot have a violent or dangerous person in the house.

 

However, as long as they are willing to abide by our rules, they are welcome in our house. My rules aren't going to be that difficult really.....I expect them to work if they are able and can find a job (who knows what the world will be like then in terms of jobs) and I expect them to be respectful of us.

 

Dawn

 

PS: I will add that at graduation from high school I flew by myself from East Africa to Seattle. I was on my own. My parents lived overseas and had no telephone. Maybe I am a bit biased in that I don't wish that on my children, but heck, I went to BOARDING SCHOOL from the age of 8 on and have chosen to HOMESCHOOL my children......so I don't see allowing them to live at home after 18 as that much different.

Edited by DawnM
Link to post
Share on other sites
There was never a doubt that I'd go to college, and there was no way that I'd live at home for it and miss out on the whole living independently thing. Had my mom been a real roommate- no judgment, no hours, no restrictions- it would have been one thing. But she would have made me run errands and clean and show up to family events I had no time to show up to. No thank you. After graduating high school, I was ready to get out of that. My college life probably seemed chaotic to "grown-ups", but I got to make my mistakes and live with the consequences. I'm thrilled.

 

The real issue was post-graduation. My mom gave me 3 months to find a job and get out. I lasted about 2 weeks at home before I packed my bags and went across the country to visit a friend, then landed a job at the university there. I had learned how to not be mothered anymore. I didn't want a curfew or chores- I had lived without either for 4 years! Now I can't even imagine living at home. Frankly, it seems like a nightmare. If my mom really needed me for health reasons or whatever- of course I'd go back in a heartbeat. But I'm not 12 anymore. If I want to get home at 4:30 am, sleep until 2 pm and eat pizza and watch tv for the rest of the day, I should get to do that. I can't do that in her place. So I have my own.

 

Great post. Reading this thread made me wonder if there was something abnormal about me moving out young and liking it that way ... :D Yes, living with other people requires common courtesy, but I see a lot of posts here that make me feel like parents are requiring their grown children to behave like actual children in return for the privilege of living at home and hover over them, waiting to swoop in either to fix their problems or punish them for mistakes. In my mind, the time for that is long gone by the time a young person graduates high school.

 

If my dd17 continues to live here after she graduates high school (which won't be until she's nearly 19), she may ... for a year or so. Not indefinitely. She needs to launch, and it's my job to ready her for that. She'll have rules to follow, mainly because we have younger dc and I expect that dd will not negatively influence them. If she doesn't like our rules, she knows where the front door is. I don't really expect her to want to hang around too long. Starting out on your own is exciting, not something to dread ...

 

Tara

Link to post
Share on other sites
This seems to be a more common Western assumption of a young adult living at home. It was true even when I was a young adult living at home - peers couldn't understand how or why I'd want to, but would give me a wink and a nudge about having it easy at home with moms to cook and clean up after me. (Or so they assumed!)

 

Where I'm from, though, living at home in the age range quoted above wouldn't involve Mommy taking care of anyone. Quite the opposite, really! You'd be working, pulling money to help out the family. You may not pay rent, but you'd contribute groceries or even non-tangible things such as babysitting or eldersitting. You'd be doing what you could to free up Mom's time, definitely not expecting her to be taking care of you still.

 

Our personal experiences shape us, and it's so interesting for me to learn how differently people/families will see and handle an identical situation :).

 

If I were lucky enough to live in the culture you grew up in, I would love to have my adult children at home. My adult children seemed to feel more 'entitled' to make free with the family resources when they lived at home as adults, but did not feel obligated to contribute to the family or even be considerate of the other family members.

It was increasingly stressful for me to have to deal with adults who sincerely believed that their adult status meant they should not do 'chores' like help clear the table after eating the dinner I cooked or help with washing or putting away the dishes they ate off of, as an example. These adults believed that they no longer had to let me know where they were going or how long they would be, but they were taking my car when they left and not asking my permission or putting gas in it. They weren't raised that way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Great post. Reading this thread made me wonder if there was something abnormal about me moving out young and liking it that way ... :D Yes, living with other people requires common courtesy, but I see a lot of posts here that make me feel like parents are requiring their grown children to behave like actual children in return for the privilege of living at home and hover over them, waiting to swoop in either to fix their problems or punish them for mistakes. In my mind, the time for that is long gone by the time a young person graduates high school.

 

If my dd17 continues to live here after she graduates high school (which won't be until she's nearly 19), she may ... for a year or so. Not indefinitely. She needs to launch, and it's my job to ready her for that. She'll have rules to follow, mainly because we have younger dc and I expect that dd will not negatively influence them. If she doesn't like our rules, she knows where the front door is. I don't really expect her to want to hang around too long. Starting out on your own is exciting, not something to dread ...

 

Tara

 

I agree with you totally.

 

I moved out at 17, just before my 18th birthday. It was amazing and I have never regretted it. I think that living with your parents for too long can stunt growth a bit. Kids need to get out into the world and live on their own. But, i'm also a firm believer that everyone should live on their own at some point in life, prior to marriage etc.

 

I can really see a difference in men that have had to go out and live on their own, furnish and care for their own apartments, etc etc. The men that I've come across that lived at home..well..I would not have considered marriage material.

 

I am sure that I'm in the minority here!

 

Getting out on my own was so exciting. I couldn't wait.

 

I will add that my DD has a learning disability and while she isn't special needs really, she's very very young for her age. I imagine that she will live at home longer than I did. She will need to launch at some point though and I encourage that.

Edited by YLVD
Link to post
Share on other sites
:iagree::iagree::iagree: They are not children...we're just treating them that way. My oldest son is 21 and is serving an LDS mission in California. I haven't laid eyes on him since Nov., 2009. He has grown tremendously as has his self-confidence in his ability to take care of himself and manage his own life.

 

My dd is 18 and is living in an apartment with four other girls in a student housing complex at a university an hour away. It's perfect. The first week she called us non-stop. Now she is completely adjusted, loves where she's at, loves her classes, her roomies, and the ability to make adult decisions on her own. She is in a safe atmosphere (a school full of Mormon kids :lol:), she's very responsible and mature and has never done anything colossally stupid in her life. Why wouldn't we want her to take the next step toward independence?

 

I firmly believe kids learn how to be adults by being given the responsibility to do so. Part of this involves living on your own, paying your rent, budgeting your money and learning to deal with the real world while finding your place in it. I don't think this happens when you're under mommy and daddy's roof until your 25 years old. Our culture is already suffering the effect of prolonged adolescence and not making children leave the nest is a huge reason why. Will they do dumb things? Will they make mistakes? Of course....it's called growing up. Let your children do it.

 

:iagree:

Link to post
Share on other sites
This seems to be a more common Western assumption of a young adult living at home. It was true even when I was a young adult living at home - peers couldn't understand how or why I'd want to, but would give me a wink and a nudge about having it easy at home with moms to cook and clean up after me. (Or so they assumed!)

 

Where I'm from, though, living at home in the age range quoted above wouldn't involve Mommy taking care of anyone. Quite the opposite, really! You'd be working, pulling money to help out the family. You may not pay rent, but you'd contribute groceries or even non-tangible things such as babysitting or eldersitting. You'd be doing what you could to free up Mom's time, definitely not expecting her to be taking care of you still.

 

Our personal experiences shape us, and it's so interesting for me to learn how differently people/families will see and handle an identical situation :).

 

This is why I don't care if dd18 ever leaves. She is a joy to me. She cooks, grocery shops, and transports her brother places; all without me ever asking her to do it. She does whatever she can to make my life easier. She will even ask sometimes what she can do to be of service to dh and me. I still do things for her, but they are mostly at my will/not because she demands it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I firmly believe kids learn how to be adults by being given the responsibility to do so. Part of this involves living on your own, paying your rent, budgeting your money and learning to deal with the real world while finding your place in it. I don't think this happens when you're under mommy and daddy's roof until your 25 years old. Our culture is already suffering the effect of prolonged adolescence and not making children leave the nest is a huge reason why. Will they do dumb things? Will they make mistakes? Of course....it's called growing up. Let your children do it.

 

I have in laws who have never lived by themselves. They are married and have children. They share responsibility for cooking, childcare, and so on, and they have contributed to the household for years, before marriage. Living with others does not make one adolescent, nor does it imply that one is absolved of responsibility. (Frankly, I think having five people counting on you for dinner makes you more likely to cook something appropriate than answering to no one and grabbing chips. To quote my landlord, "You're a student, you won't be cooking.") Often people living with family members take care of their parents (helping run household matters + financially), and as the parents age, they are recipients of more assistance but remain valued family members.

 

It's interesting, I read a study about how the mentally ill have much better outcomes living in the "developing world" than in the US, because cultural expectations about a person's usefulness and expectations about independence are so different.

 

I'd love to live with my kids when they are grown. I'd love to take care of my grandkids while their parents worked. I'd love to be an elderly lady who lives in a vibrant household, instead of on my own, pretending to be happy and struggling with doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, and cooking by myself, with only a TV to keep me company. This is how some of my elderly relatives think they have to live, because their kids are constantly screaming at them to be independent and not be a burden, when they would obviously be happier living near the ones they love.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just sharing viewpoint of an acquaintance. She is a physician who was raised in Greece. She thinks this is a U.S. cultural viewpoint, and one that she can't wrap her mind around, -- to hurl young people into the "outside world" simply because they have reached the age of eighteen. So much more is involved in growing into maturity. Also, family relationships differ in other countries in the realm of how parents/children interact and relate to each other.

 

There is, I posit, a correlation in the reluctance (even refusal) of most adult children in the U.S. to take elderly parents into their own homes.

Edited by Orthodox6
Link to post
Share on other sites
I honestly can't imagine Mommy taking care of me at 20, 21, 22, or 23 ... or me expecting her to.

 

Tara

 

Where I'm from, though, living at home in the age range quoted above wouldn't involve Mommy taking care of anyone. Quite the opposite, really! You'd be working, pulling money to help out the family. You may not pay rent, but you'd contribute groceries or even non-tangible things such as babysitting or eldersitting. You'd be doing what you could to free up Mom's time, definitely not expecting her to be taking care of you still.

 

 

 

I agree with eternalknot's reply. Living at home doesn't mean Mommy takes care of you. Dss pulled his weight and was treated like an adult. A roommate who didn't pull his weight would not remain a roommate for long. While an adult child is not the same as a roommate, the expectations were the same.

 

 

We don't have a lot of rules, either, but no girlfriends sleeping over is a BIG one.

 

That was not a rule with dss. He was an adult and we treated him like one, so whether or not he chose to have a woman sleep over was up to him, not us. We only asked for a heads up so we wouldn't wander around in our pj's in the morning. When I was single and had roommates, we all gave each other that same consideration.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The biggest thing, I guess, is that we want our kids to be ready to move out when they do. We both did at young(ish) ages and did great.

But if they requested staying here so that they could pursue community college or something of the like (I am having a hard time at the moment, thinking of other things that would fit the bill, but you get my drift!) - with the understanding that things would change and that we'd not be 'taking care of them', so to speak, we would be okay with it.

We would probably draw up a contract of some kind and they'd have responsibilities, etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anyone ever have the dream that you ask your mom if you can move home and she tells you no? :lol:

 

 

Yup, but it is true. I could be losing my house and destitute, and I still would not be allowed to move back. She helps me out, like last night when she and my sister surprised me with a grocery trip, BUT she is the first to admit she does not ever want me living under her roof again. We don't get along all that well. She would take the kids while I got on my feet but not let me stay there with them. She can only handle 1 night every once in a while (like last night when we had to stay over to see the surgeon)

Link to post
Share on other sites

That was not a rule with dss. He was an adult and we treated him like one, so whether or not he chose to have a woman sleep over was up to him, not us. We only asked for a heads up so we wouldn't wander around in our pj's in the morning. When I was single and had roommates, we all gave each other that same consideration.

 

A roommate and I would have to agree to that as a ground rule, so I wouldn't be singling him out simply because he was my ds.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If I were lucky enough to live in the culture you grew up in, I would love to have my adult children at home. My adult children seemed to feel more 'entitled' to make free with the family resources when they lived at home as adults, but did not feel obligated to contribute to the family or even be considerate of the other family members.

It was increasingly stressful for me to have to deal with adults who sincerely believed that their adult status meant they should not do 'chores' like help clear the table after eating the dinner I cooked or help with washing or putting away the dishes they ate off of, as an example. These adults believed that they no longer had to let me know where they were going or how long they would be, but they were taking my car when they left and not asking my permission or putting gas in it. They weren't raised that way.

 

Ahhhh, yes, I think I've lived with your children. My oldest was a difficult young man to live with. We moved him out...even paying rent for a long time, just so he would not be living at home. We had a younger son to think of. Our oldest was the foolish/sluggard you read about in Proverbs. Amazing to remember the sad, strange way he insisted on living. (Depression, yes. He won't go to a medical doctor. He chooses to 'self-medicate' if you know what I mean....and less today than in those days.)

 

And just a thought about unmarried couples sleeping together under our roof.

 

No.

 

Just no. It goes against our morals and beliefs. Again, we have younger children watching. If you can't handle that, there's a Holiday Inn Express just down the road.

 

When our oldest son and future daughter in law moved in with us, they had separate rooms--even though she was already carrying our sweet granddaughter. We rearranged the living arrangements while they were on their honeymoon.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is why I don't care if dd18 ever leaves. She is a joy to me. She cooks, grocery shops, and transports her brother places; all without me ever asking her to do it. She does whatever she can to make my life easier. She will even ask sometimes what she can do to be of service to dh and me. I still do things for her, but they are mostly at my will/not because she demands it.

 

Same here. My life is much easier now that the children are young adults. It is nice to come home to a covered plate of homemade dinner set aside for me after a late night at work. It has been quite awhile since I've grocery shopped, cleaned cat boxes, or done certain other chores.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would never force an 18 year old out if that kid were being pleasant and productive. I think 18 is pretty young to try to make one's own way. I think the science would support me saying that 18 year olds are only partly adults, and they still need time to mature. Honestly, I don't know anyone who has forced an 18 year old out without support. I do know 18 year olds who were very mature and able to make their own way, but I don't really expect or demand that my children not need my help at that age.

 

I do hope my kids will go away to college. I think it's been great for my oldest, and I hope they will WANT to do that, though again, it's not something I would ever force. I feel it's sort of my job, though, to help my kids be ready for that transition. And I expect to support a kid in college. My oldest son worked most semesters, but he didn't earn enough to really support himself and pay tuition, and his primary job, in my opinion, was to make good grades.

 

So I am not a "force out at 18 person," and I don't really know anyone who is. I would imagine if I could think of anyone who forced an 18 year old out, it would be someone with a story. Some 18 year olds are hard to deal with and need a kick in the rear, so I wouldn't judge it without info.

 

Anyway, I hope my kids will want to move out in their early 20s if they come home after college (or during, or don't go). I am a natural introvert, and the more adults you add to a home, the more there is to negotiate. I'm not wild about the idea of having a 27 year old man live with me. Maybe that makes me a bad Mom and an ugly American, but whatever. I adore my sons. I love having them around. My oldest has moved out but still comes around a good bit, and for me, it's perfect.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If I were lucky enough to live in the culture you grew up in, I would love to have my adult children at home. My adult children seemed to feel more 'entitled' to make free with the family resources when they lived at home as adults, but did not feel obligated to contribute to the family or even be considerate of the other family members.

It was increasingly stressful for me to have to deal with adults who sincerely believed that their adult status meant they should not do 'chores' like help clear the table after eating the dinner I cooked or help with washing or putting away the dishes they ate off of, as an example. These adults believed that they no longer had to let me know where they were going or how long they would be, but they were taking my car when they left and not asking my permission or putting gas in it. They weren't raised that way.

 

:grouphug: You didn't raise them that way, but you also didn't raise them alone. That seems to be the social norm, this sense of entitlement and "what can YOU do for ME?" rather than the reverse. It permeates everywhere and even the best parenting can't always escape it.

 

To be honest, it worries me. I honestly stay up at night sometimes wondering how my kids will be when they're older ... when I'm older ... if they'll maintain our family norm or if they'll be products of the greater social norm in which they were also raised. I love that they're in a position to marry the best of my cultural traditions/traits with those of the social culture that surrounds them (American); it's just that the control freak in me wants the kids to fall in line where I think is best LOL. Asian at certain times; American at certain times :D. Asian in terms of filial relationships/duties would be most important to me.

 

If my kids were acting as yours were, I'd feel stressed and frustrated also. I wouldn't want to live with anyone who was inconsiderate and taking advantage of me/my resources - child, spouse, or otherwise.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...