Would you be offended?

[momma aimee]

No not offended because it's true. Five kids, five different fathers. :D

 

But then we're adopted so it's all good.

 

:D

[roxanne23]

.

Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23

[angela in ohio]

I must be mellowing with age, because I am more concerned that someone with children from different fathers will read this thread and be offended that it is an offensive concept to some. ;) Of course, I've met enough women whose dh ran off and left them to re-marry or work themselves to death to support their dc alone that I am a bit sensitive to this. If they re-marry they often have dc with their new dh.

 

Many of the large (Christian homeschooling) families I know are blended (one or both of them brought a child into the marriage, and then they had more together,) so I don't think the assumption itself is unusual. I do think asking it is incredibly rude, though, for a stranger. It makes some sense for a doctor or midwife to ask, though.

Edited August 24, 2011 by angela in ohio

[momma aimee]

My husband got tired of being asked if all the kids are his- which he found intrusive. Now he answers, "Yes, but I don't know who the mothers are."

 

LOVE IT

[RahRah]

I would be offended by the question. It implies that they think you/the person have cheated on a spouse (if you are married) or that you have multiple partners otherwise.

 

Or that perhaps you and your DH had trouble conceiving and used donor sperm is also a valid reason to ask the question. Medical professionals (and midwives are included) need to know this type of information so they can know if they need to test for things like Rh-factor. And the reality is that some women do cheat - the question isn't meant to offend, but to inform where and when necessary between doctor/midwife and patient to provide the care needed.

[Night Elf]

From a medical point of view, and only in the context of a medical situation, would I not be offended by the question. Although I truly do not understand how delivering a baby has anything to do with genetics, unless a problem has already been found through medical testing during pregnancy. However, that question would have obviously been discussed before. I am not dissing midwives, but I hardly believe such knowledge would be helpful in the prenatal care and delivery.

 

From a person not in a medical context, and especially on Facebook, I would answer by saying 'Good grief, what a bizarre and personal question! What led you to being concerned about this?'

[RahRah]

From a medical point of view, and only in the context of a medical situation, would I not be offended by the question. Although I truly do not understand how delivering a baby has anything to do with genetics, unless a problem has already been found through medical testing during pregnancy. However, that question would have obviously been discussed before. I am not dissing midwives, but I hardly believe such knowledge would be helpful in the prenatal care and delivery.

 

 

Woman has a baby with her DH - both are rh-negative, so no problems; then the DH gets sick, it leaves him infertile, but they want another baby, they opt for donor sperm, they go to doc, get pregnant and she is refered to OB for pregnancy....she goes in to see doc/midwife and no one asks if her DH is the father, they assume he is - but he's not.....donor is rh-positive. Oops! Woman doesn't get the Rh immunoglobulin (RhIg) shot following the birth - baby and mom do well and she and the man want another, so they go back to donor and try again - now she repeatedly miscarries.....because she's rh sensitized and each pregnancy will create antibodies against the pregnancy, causing her to miscarry habitually.

 

Does it make sense now why the question is asked? There are so many scenarios as to why a doctor/midwife should ask - the rh factor being only one reason.

[AllBoys]

I get asked if my boys are all from the same marriage all of the time by strangers because my boys are so spread out. I don't like it but when surprised with the question its hard to think of a good answer. I guess I should choose one from this thread!

 

As far as the other questions, as a nurse I can tell you they are required to ask those questions and you are considered a high risk pregnancy if you answer yes. Believe it or not, you can ask the same person the same question 3 times and get different answers. I think maybe sometimes the person needs to warm up to you before answering truthfully, and they may be used to denying things as a rule because they feel they need to.

 

I once saw Marie Osmond interviewed about her children and she was asked in front of the children which were 'hers' and which were adopted. She looked at them and said something like 'I really don't remember, but they're all mine now'. That might be a good answer for anyone in that situation.

[happypamama]

Your midwife may have been asking for a purely pregnancy related issue. It has been noted that preclamsia can be an issue when the father is a first time father, regardless of rather or not the mother has had children already.

 

 

Wow, that is fascinating!

 

I would not be bothered by a medical professional asking about that (or if I feel safe at home or if the pregnancy was planned -- my MWs with my first two pregnancies included all of those questions as part of their basic health workup). Twice, I'd just assume the MW forgot or wanted to double-check.

 

Random people (because anyone who knows me knows that my children all have the same father) -- I don't think I'd be offended, but I would think it was weird to ask. Really, who cares if they have the same father? It just seems so strange to me that anyone would ask that. I've not been asked that, but it's also fairly obvious that they're all related. (DD and DS1 don't look much alike; DD mostly favors me, and DS1 mostly looks like DH and FIL, except that he got my dimples, and the others did not. DS2 is colored like DS1 but looks more like DD and I otherwise. DS3 is dark-haired like DD and I, but I see DS1 in his face a lot, though he flips to looking more like DD/me/DS2 pretty often. The older boys are both blond like my dad and brother were as kids, and we haven't gotten one with DH's red hair yet.)

[momma aimee]

That is nobody's business outside of your immediate family. I agree with saying "why do you ask?" or, if I was feeling cranky, "are yours?" or "were your parents married when you were born?"

 

"no they are not all mine, i pick them up in parks, no one seems to notice"

[momma aimee]

for the record i do nt see anything, automatically, wrong with kids not shareing a mom or a dad -- but the ASSUMPTION that I have 2 kids, so there is a need to ASK if both fathers are teh same man bothers me. I think the base assumption should be: mom + dad = kids. if there is a different situation THAT should be the out-lier not the typical family

[Scarlett]

"no they are not all mine, i pick them up in parks, no one seems to notice"

 

LOL. This is my favorite answer.

[gardenmom5]

I was asked if they were the same father by strangers because I had such a large gap between #4 and #5. It was only mildly irritating - and not surprising given our divorce culture. I've a firend with similar gap between #4 & #5 who was asked by coworkers (and that was 30+ years ago). didn't bother her. I also heard - and I consider these offensive questions that should never be asksed by anyone. least of all strangers or casual acquaintences - was it a surprise?/was it planned?

 

The one that did irritate me was my ped's nurse who was giving me instructions on how to wean #4. I finally told her I knew what I was doing and had done it three times before. Her response was telling "they're all yours?" (I got the impression she thought they were dh's from a previous marriage and I arrived late on the scene.)

Edited August 24, 2011 by gardenmom5

[Bang!Zoom!]

Like you Garden Mom, I have age differences between my oldest and youngest that collects unwanted comments or assumptions.

 

I get "Go ask your Grandma" stuff....all.the.time.

 

There have only been a couple of times it was appropriate to bite back (my children do not share the same fathers)...

 

Some high flautin' judgemental lady once said to me...

 

"Oh really" upon hearing the age of my oldest vs. my youngest.."Well, isn't that a pretty big spread?"

 

"Yep. That's what he said too."

 

-ka-bam-

[gardenmom5]

Well, my midwife asked me if I was being physically abused... at least 2x and possibly 3x. (after I had explained that I had no male partner in the pic... he was a few states away...) The genetics are an issue for different reasons.... and so I'm pretty sure she had a reason to ask... (negative blood type... etc..)

 

They are legally required to ask those types of questions, and they ask all pregnant women. (usually circumspectly, as women who are being abused would rarely admit it.) women are more likely to be abused during pregnancy.

 

I had bruises all over my arm from the RN inserting the IV wrong, over and over again, (I TOLD her to get someone else, she refused.) - the mom-baby RN went insane as she thought I was being physically abused, until I told her it was a nurse who did it. My mom-baby nurse just kept apologizing after that.

[Firestar Academy]

Hmmm, I'm not sure I would be offended. I try and find the humor in these things. I say stupid things so I'm more likely to just assume their filter is turned off that day.

 

Kelly

 

I am usually the one who doesn't have a filter on my mouth!! but I tend to assume all children belong to the mom and dad unless somebody tells me otherwise.

 

Robin

[musicmommy]

I wouldn't be offended, but I would be surprised. Anyone who would know me well enough to ask the question would know me well enough to know that my husband is my one and only. Otherwise, it is a rather personal type question.

 

I could see someone asking that though if they only saw my two youngers. (My oldest is a good mix of the two of us). My middle looks a lot like my husband, olive skin, brown hair, brown eyes. My youngest is a opposite as they come. Super fair skin that is basically see through, light blond hair and pale blue eyes. My oldest is half way between, with a completely different eye color. People are often surprised at how different the boys are.

[TravelingChris]

Well I am always aghast that anyone (other than a medical person) would ask such a personal question or any other similar ones. Are they adopted? Which ones are yours- when talking about a family with some adopted and some not? I am sure there are many other stupid comments or rude comments like this. I don't get it. I know I have adhd and tend to be impulsive and yet I don't make any such comments. I guess the people making such remarks or asking such personal questions think they have some special rights. I figure if I get to know the people and they feel like they want to tell me, they will. So I get people telling me how they adopted so and so or how so and so is a foster child or so and so has to travel to x to be with his blank for visitation or whatever. But to think that you deserve that information, especially if you are a stranger??? How odd.

[LisaKinVA]

I've been asked this multiple times, or people have insinuated that my kids AREN'T dh's (that I've cheated), because my children all look so different. There is no mistaking family resemblance with the boys. My oldest does look a lot like his dad. My younger boy does not look like his dad, but looks like his brother (a LOT like his brother). The girls... who knows?

 

Yes, I found it *very* offensive.

[Bang!Zoom!]

There are so many kinds of families today. So many blends.

[Natalieclare]

I don't think I would be that offended.

 

My family creates quite a spectacle wherever we go since a) I have 6 kids and b) we have a large gap in the middle. People stare at us and try to figure out if the baby belongs to me or one of my two teen daughters or see if there is any resemblance between the older crew and the younger crew. And since we have only one bright blond with blue eyes (oldest of the youngers), we really throw people for a loop. Fine by me! :D

 

We have had a woman who escaped from an unwanted, arranged marriage and emigrated to the US pull my oldest aside (at the Thai restaurant she owned) and tell her she could still do amazing things with her life, even though she had a baby. :lol::lol: Rather than be offended, my dd and I really enjoyed chatting with her and hearing her life story.

 

I think most people just find life and other people's lives interesting. It is true that it is not anyone's business, but I think people just like knowing how other people live. I don't feel obligated to tell anyone, but then again, I don't get offended either. :)

Edited August 24, 2011 by Natalieclare

[Ellie]

Yes, unless, as someone said, the inquirer needed to know for medical or other legitimate reasons.

 

There are ways to respond to someone who asks a rude question (and that's a rude question) without being rude back; staring at the person in shock, with your mouth open, is acceptable, for example. In some cases you can (and should) hold that face until the other person perceives that he has said something wrong and begins to feel remorse.

[gardenmom5]

My 3rd child is our only redhead to date. .

 

dh has red hair, and my sister has red hair, so it is on both sides. (a few males on both sides have/had red/reddish beards with brown or dark blonde hair.). only one of my dc has red hair, and that is #1. I've never been asked if she and her siblings have the same father. #4 was born with auburn hair -( the kind you see on barbie's friend and say "what a fake looking color". ) It all fell out by three months and came in towhead blonde, and is now a med-blonde. He may have some red in his beard. he fries like a red-head though.

 

She did get sick of hearing "where did you get the red hair?" dh taught her to say "it came with the head".

 

dh's sister dies her hair red, and has tried to get her dd's to dye theirs. Her son did, but he loves to annoy her.

[HS Mom in NC]

If it's being asked by a medical professional because the medical professional has to know that info to medically treat the child effectively, then it's OK to ask.That's the only time I can think of that it's appropriate. Otherwise, it's incredibly offensive.

 

There are some very sensitive situations that result in children having different fathers-sometimes those situations (sexual assaults resulting in a pregnancy, adultery resulting in a pregnancy, relationships gone very bad, etc.) should not be broached in a public forum like facebook, the grocery store, at family get togethers and the like or in front of children, or to satisfy the curiosity of clods. I have always thought so even before we considered (and completed) our adoption.

[Kate CA]

I wouldn't be offended. I'd be surprised by such a personal question, depending on who was asking.

 

I could see it as another often stupid, routine medical question. In general though, if someone doesn't know me well enough to know the answer, it's none of their business. I'd probably respond with a surprised look, laugh, and say, "Excuse me? I thought you just asked if my children all had the same father! Haha!"

 

LOL Yes, this. :D

 

I wouldn't be offended. I too think it is a rather personal question to be asked by anyone other than a doctor, but I would choose not to be offended. (Irritated though, yeah, probably!) :)

[reign]

I wouldn't be offended as is mad unless the person was obviously trying to be mean. It is definitely a inappropriate question.

[gardenmom5]

I could see someone asking that though if they only saw my two youngers. (My oldest is a good mix of the two of us). My middle looks a lot like my husband, olive skin, brown hair, brown eyes. My youngest is a opposite as they come. Super fair skin that is basically see through, light blond hair and pale blue eyes. My oldest is half way between, with a completely different eye color. People are often surprised at how different the boys are.

 

It can be very hurtful to the child who is different as well. My bil was often referred to by outsiders as "that kid who hangs around with the __family". sil thinks he was an undiagnosed aspie, and he often felt like an odd-man out. comments such as the above from others, just reinforced the perception of differences. It would be nice if people would think before speaking.

 

dh is redhaired, very fair, and blue-eyed. definite resemblance to the paternal line. His brother got all their mother's armenian features (he looked just like her), even ones that skipped a generation - olive skin, dark brown/black hair and dark brown eyes. even their body type is different. sil's are both somewhere in the middle for coloring.

Edited August 24, 2011 by gardenmom5

[Maeintx]

Our oldest 2 boys looking nothing alike. I've been asked. It is incredibly rude.

 

Our 4th son is a mix of the older 2. When he is there, they all "match" but before he was old enough, yes, it did bother us if someone asked, especially in the presence of the boys. It is just bad manners. (medical excluded)

[arghmatey]

I think it's a hilarious and offensive question. I have a canned response for it: "We are anxiously awaiting the DNA results and will let you know as soon as the seventh and eight possible fathers submit their samples!"

 

I actually don't FEEL offended, but I do like to make a joke about it and would NEVER answer the question with a real response.

[ZooRho]

Interesting thread.

 

THere is a movie at Netflix instant now called Skin. It is about a girl growing up in South Africa. She had 2 white parents but she looked very black. Check it out.

 

Oh and I think you should just say DID YOU SAY THAT OUTLOUD

[mirth]

Some questions are timelessly offensive. That is one of them. It would be over the top offensive if the father were also standing right there.

[Caroline]

I get that question a lot as my oldest two are six years apart in age. I choose not to be offended. I just say we were in school when we had the oldest. I mean grad school, but recently a woman thought I meant high school. She lamented that she had waited so long to have her first at 19. I decided if she thought I looked ten years younger than I am then I wouldn't correct her.

[ktgrok]

It depends. Having a midwife ask makes sense to me. My son has a different father than my daughter. That was important to know, as new genetic material can mean that this pregnancy will have different things going on. For instance, she treats a new baby with a new father similar to a first time pregnancy. That turned out to be true for me.....I even ended up borderline pre-eclampsia, something associated with first time pregnancies. Also, trends like carrying longer or shorter, or having big or small babies will not be the same with a different father. So that is medical info they need.

 

But if someone asked just because they were curious? That would offend me.

[butterflymommy]

I get asked this question ALL the time... and what's worse, I get asked it in front of my husband, and my husband often gets asked if "all" the kids are his! To be fair, my husband is a lot darker than I am and about half the kids have my coloring, so they do look different at least in terms of skin color, but come on... they're calling him dad!

[ondreeuh]

My midwife asked me the same question. She said she asked because there are some connections between problems in the pregnancy when you have several children by the same father (autoimmune, perhaps?). It wasn't a personal judgment, just something they tracked.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

I would think it was extremely tacky, and may or may not answer.

 

(FWIW: My daughter, 5.5, is not by my boyfriend, but since we all have similar coloring and DD looks SO much like me, people automatically assume he is her father, which brings about some equally interesting conversations. My children won't have the same father, and some won't even have the same mother since he and I have already discussed adoption.)

[laundrycrisis]

I would think it was not a tactful question....but I would not take it personally. Really I think now it's very common for children in the same family to perhaps have different fathers, or perhaps different mothers, and it's not something people are often judgmental about anymore...so if someone asked that, I would choose to assume that there wouldn't be any judgment either way, but it is just a point of curiosity. So I wouldn't be too impressed, but I wouldn't be offended either.

[*~Tina~*]

Yes, I would be insulted.

 

My general replies for nosey and rude questions are:

 

"Why do you ask?" It forces them to talk next, and pretty much no matter what they reply with, you can change the subject. Often times it makes them reconsider what they asked, and they realize it's inappropriate.

 

Or, if I'm feeling less gracious...

 

"Wow, that's really inappropriate." Plain and simple.

 

 

 

Love this! Making mental note :D

[silliness7]

Someone posted on FB that she was asked if all her children are from the same father ( she has six, and yes they are by the same man). I was asked this question twice by the same midwife during my third pregnancy and I felt a little insulted. That was the only two times that ever happened to me though and I can't imagine being asked that just by some random person.

 

Maybe I'm just extra sensitive on this topic, because my own mother had 5 children by 3 different men. And I'm proud of the fact that all my children are by my one and only DH.

 

I'm curious if anyone else would feel insulted? What would you answer?

 

:bigear:

 

ETA:I know some women have kids from more than one man sometimes for different reasons. I would never judge them by it. But for me, based on family experiences with my mother, it wasn't something I was/am going to let happen as long as I can help it.

 

 

My gut reaction would be that I was being accused of sleeping around. So I would be offended. But on second thought many women get remarried and have more kids. And perhaps that's what the question is really wondering and they couldn't find a more tactful way to ask. Is there a tactful way to ask? Sheesh. Mind your own business.

 

If that question were put to me I would say "why in the world do you ask?"

 

ETA: Oh sorry, it was your midwife? I missed that part. I'd still ask why they're asking because I would love to hear what they say.

Edited August 24, 2011 by silliness7

[LMD]

I never get this question, I only get 'oh, no question they're all his!' - and they are, my DH has strong genes. I do think it's a little intrusive from random people, but I wouldn't take offense. People just like to talk, not necessarily malicious.

[akmommy]

I've never been asked that and I'm not sure that it would offend, but I'd probably tell them it was none of their business.

 

My stepmom used to get asked that question all the time, but to be fair my sb and ss look nothing alike. Sb is dark skinned, dark brown hair, tall, thin, and has brown eyes. ss is pale, blond, blue eyed, short, and heavy set. Icant think of one physical trait they have in common, but they have the same father.

Edited August 24, 2011 by akmommy

[swellmomma]

It depends on why I am being asked. What offends me more is the assumptions that go along with it if you answer them. I have 4 kids by 3 different "dads". the first 2 were with my xh, the second 2 (and the one I miscarried) are from donors. The assumption made is that if I have kids by different dads I must be out sleeping with hald the town. When the reality is the kids were so much planned that it only took 1 try with each of the last 3 to conceive, so that means that in 9 years I have only had teA 3(yes THREE) times. Yup, big time sl*t here.

 

That is the part that offends me. If the dr asks during a prenatal exam in order to get medical history no problem, if the ped asks for the same reason no problem. If it is simply someone being nosy, and are just asking to be rude and judgemental I get quite offended.

[Night Elf]

Woman has a baby with her DH - both are rh-negative, so no problems; then the DH gets sick, it leaves him infertile, but they want another baby, they opt for donor sperm, they go to doc, get pregnant and she is refered to OB for pregnancy....she goes in to see doc/midwife and no one asks if her DH is the father, they assume he is - but he's not.....donor is rh-positive. Oops! Woman doesn't get the Rh immunoglobulin (RhIg) shot following the birth - baby and mom do well and she and the man want another, so they go back to donor and try again - now she repeatedly miscarries.....because she's rh sensitized and each pregnancy will create antibodies against the pregnancy, causing her to miscarry habitually.

 

Does it make sense now why the question is asked? There are so many scenarios as to why a doctor/midwife should ask - the rh factor being only one reason.

 

I guess that makes sense. I was actually an rh factor baby and nearly died the night I was born. I was scared about being pregnant and my doctors assured me things aren't nearly as bad today as they were when I was born 43 years ago. Thank goodness.

 

But still think it's a strange situation. I've never gone through fertility treatments so I am likely missing something, but if I went through all of that to get pregnant, my OB/GYN would know it.

[WishboneDawn]

nm

Edited August 25, 2011 by WishboneDawn

[elizabeth]

What I would say cannot be typed on this board per the rules. :lurk5:

[kalanamak]

"no they are not all mine, i pick them up in parks, no one seems to notice"

 

"Same father, but six different mothers. Only the oldest is mine."

[Rivka]

No one asks me that question. They say, "Wow, Rivka, your kids look so much like Michael - are you sure you had anything to do with it?"

 

If some random person did ask, I might pull the response I've been giving my 6yo lately: "I want you to take a moment and think about whether it was a good idea to speak to me that way. No, huh? Do you want to try again?"

 

From my midwife, though, no problem. When I was pregnant with Colin, my midwife had just hired someone new right out of midwifery school, and I remember having a conversation with her about her interviewing skills:

 

Midwife: You haven't been with anyone but your husband during this pregnancy, right?

Me: I haven't, but if you ask the question that way, you will make it very hard for someone to answer yes. That's not the way to get accurate information from your clients.

[gardenmom5]

I think it's a hilarious and offensive question. I have a canned response for it: "We are anxiously awaiting the DNA results and will let you know as soon as the seventh and eight possible fathers submit their samples!"

 

I actually don't FEEL offended, but I do like to make a joke about it and would NEVER answer the question with a real response.

:smilielol5:

 

Interesting thread.

 

THere is a movie at Netflix instant now called Skin. It is about a girl growing up in South Africa. She had 2 white parents but she looked very black. Check it out.

 

Oh and I think you should just say DID YOU SAY THAT OUTLOUD

 

the opposite of the black couple in England who recently had a VERY fair, curly light blonde blue-eyed baby. (the pictures, she looks like one of those "real" baby dolls for 40ish year old women). they said they dont' have any white ancestry that they know of. their sons are both black.

Edited August 25, 2011 by gardenmom5

[kitten18]

Your midwife may have been asking for a purely pregnancy related issue. It has been noted that preclamsia can be an issue when the father is a first time father, regardless of rather or not the mother has had children already.

 

I was seriously scratching my head over that :confused:. Wondering how a woman's body would know if a man had other children.

I had to google. Now I understand, there is an increased risk when it is their first child together.

[KidsHappen]

My oldest dd has dark hair, skin and eyes. Her son takes after his father and has fair skin, blond hair and blue eyes. People frequently ask if he is hers.