Am I being irresponsible?

[plain jane]

My heart is heavy today, so please bear with me, and most of all, if you can, be kind. I've cried about this enough.

 

I'm wondering if I'm placing an unfair burden on my children and if it's irresponsible of me to want a larger family than I already have. I've been truly blessed with the 5 I have and dh and I had always hoped for a large family- no definite number, but a few more would be really great.

 

Thing is, as I've posted lately, my kids seem to have an awful lot of food allergies and sensitivities and I just don't know why. :confused:

 

I'm healthy and have not had any issues with food. I used to have stomach problems (cramps/pain) often as a child but I do think that was due to my parents *making* me drink lots of milk every day. :glare: Those stomach aches went away once I was about 10 and no longer was forced to drink milk all the time. I've tolerated milk and all dairy products just fine since then although raw milk did cause me to be bloated & gassy.

 

Anyways, I don't have issues with Candida and have no other issues that I am aware of. I have absolutely no IBS symptoms, rarely get heartburn- even when pg, VERY rarely get gas, have a healthy immune system, no aches or pains in my body, never get headaches and overall feel good. :) I don't have reactions to food that I'm aware of- no extreme fatigue after a meal or stuff like that.

 

All this to say, I *think* I'm pretty healthy overall. **ETA** I have started having gallbladder pain for the first time in my life several weeks ago. I didn't mean to leave this out originally, I just got sidetracked when posting. Other than my very recent gallbladder (which I am going to assume will get better or removed) I think I'm pretty healthy.

 

My kids, OTOH, are a nightmare of dietary restrictions. I don't know why. Some of them have some severe reactions (violent vomiting) to some foods and it's obvious that others just don't tolerate certain things (stomach cramps before BM after drinking rice milk earlier in the day). Other things are just odd, like eggs. Some of my kids can have eggs that have been baked in something but not eggs on their own- scrambled, hard boiled, etc. They will eat eggs on their own (love them!!) but 30-60 min later, feel nauseous. They never throw up and the nausea subsides, but it's unpleasant enough that I don't fix scrambled eggs for breakfast, kwim?

 

If you've seen my previous posts, you'll know there's a ton of food that can't be eaten by everyone in my family and I'm starting to get scared to have more kids. :( Not scared for *me* exactly (I mean, at this point, I don't think there's really any more new foods to be added to my list so how much more difficult could it be :tongue_smilie::lol:)... but scared for them.

 

I'm concerned that it is irresponsible of me to have more kids knowing that there is a big risk that they will be intolerant/allergic to certain foods. I'm worried that they will forever feel different from everyone else and not feel like they fit in. I'm worried they'll resent me for it and yes, I beat myself up for what is wrong with them, even though I have no idea why this is so. :(

 

**Also wanted to add that I'm in no way, shape, or form, thinking of having more kids in the near future.- I'm thinking a couple of years. :) I'm really overwhelmed right now, probably because I have a very young baby but I know this won't always be the case.

Edited August 19, 2011 by plain jane

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

How long have you had them on a strict diet?

 

My kids eventually grew out of theirs.

 

I think you're in waayy to raw of a place to be thinking about these things right now.

[plain jane]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

How long have you had them on a strict diet?

 

My kids eventually grew out of theirs.

 

I think you're in waayy to raw of a place to be thinking about these things right now.

 

Yah, probably, it's just weighing heavy on my mind.

 

 

They're not really on a strict diet unless it's something that causes them a violent reaction. I do try to encourage them to eat a variety of foods and rotate what they eat as best I can, although I'm not as good at that as I'd like. The ones who have severe reactions have had those reactions since introducing the food.

[Random]

:grouphug:

 

Have you heard of Eosinophilic Espophagitis?

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. There's no need to make a permanent decision about this right now, right?

 

Only one of our children is affected...I couldn't imagine different diets for five different children.

 

Best wishes to you!

[plain jane]

:grouphug:

 

Have you heard of Eosinophilic Espophagitis?

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. There's no need to make a permanent decision about this right now, right?

 

Only one of our children is affected...I couldn't imagine different diets for five different children.

 

Best wishes to you!

 

No, I hadn't heard of that- thank you. I'll do some reading.

 

No, no need for permanent decision right now. :) It's just been on my mind so I'm thinking out loud. :tongue_smilie:

[RainySunday]

Hang in there. Our dd has a billion and one different allergies and has now outgrown a bunch of them and can tolerate small amounts of the others. A couple severe ones remain. Our ds was extremely intolerant of dairy and soy (and also rice and bananas of all the weird things)and had very very severe reflux. He has now outgrown the reflux, and can tolerate goat's milk and butter, but still no other dairy, soy, rice or bananas.

 

I can imagine it must be so hard to juggle so many diets. Even with the two it is very hard (she's allergic to wheat, him to rice, so her alternative diet won't work for him, and vice versa).

 

DH and I are both healthy young adults with no food allergies/intolerances. DH does have asthma and a couple environmental allergies, but besides that, the kids' issues were really out of the blue. I think it's a combo of higher diagnoses rate/more knowledge of allergies, and something haywire in our food supply/environment (our=general world our).

 

As a side note, reacting to eggs when scrambled/boiled and not when baked in is very very common. The very high, prolonged heat of baking breaks down the proteins quite a bit, so allergic people can sometimes consume baked egg just fine, or at least tolerate it better.

[JulieH]

My heart is heavy today, so please bear with me, and most of all, if you can, be kind. I've cried about this enough.

 

I'm wondering if I'm placing an unfair burden on my children and if it's irresponsible of me to want a larger family than I already have. I've been truly blessed with the 5 I have and dh and I had always hoped for a large family- no definite number, but a few more would be really great.

 

Thing is, as I've posted lately, my kids seem to have an awful lot of food allergies and sensitivities and I just don't know why.

 

I'm healthy and have not had any issues with food. I used to have stomach problems (cramps/pain) often as a child but I do think that was due to my parents *making* me drink lots of milk every day. :glare: Those stomach aches went away once I was about 10 and no longer was forced to drink milk all the time. I've tolerated milk and all dairy products just fine since then although raw milk did cause me to be bloated & gassy.

 

Anyways, I don't have issues with Candida and have no other issues that I am aware of. I have absolutely no IBS symptoms, rarely get heartburn- even when pg, VERY rarely get gas, have a healthy immune system, no aches or pains in my body, never get headaches and overall feel good. I don't have reactions to food that I'm aware of- no extreme fatigue after a meal or stuff like that.

 

All this to say, I *think* I'm pretty healthy overall. My kids, OTOH, are a nightmare of dietary restrictions. I don't know why. Some of them have some severe reactions (violent vomiting) to some foods and it's obvious that others just don't tolerate certain things (stomach cramps before BM after drinking rice milk earlier in the day). Other things are just odd, like eggs. Some of my kids can have eggs that have been baked in something but not eggs on their own- scrambled, hard boiled, etc. They will eat eggs on their own (love them!!) but 30-60 min later, feel nauseous. They never throw up and the nausea subsides, but it's unpleasant enough that I don't fix scrambled eggs for breakfast, kwim?

 

If you've seen my previous posts, you'll know there's a ton of food that can't be eaten by everyone in my family and I'm starting to get scared to have more kids. Not scared for *me* exactly (I mean, at this point, I don't think there's really any more new foods to be added to my list so how much more difficult could it be )... but scared for them.

 

I'm concerned that it is irresponsible of me to have more kids knowing that there is a big risk that they will be intolerant/allergic to certain foods. I'm worried that they will forever feel different from everyone else and not feel like they fit in. I'm worried they'll resent me for it and yes, I beat myself up for what is wrong with them, even though I have no idea why this is so. :(

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the same person that posted the other day to "please help me I can't go on like this" and wrote this:

 

And now, the super whammer... since baby's been born, I've been having gallbladder issues. :( No full out attack (thank heavens!) but I have the feeling (and pain) of having a bowling ball under my ribs 24/7. It keeps me up at night so I'm not sleeping properly and nothing helps the pain. I can eat, I can not eat. The only change is sometimes it gets worse. :glare: Then I'm in a great deal of pain and can't function.

 

I don't want to lose my gallbladder for various reasons, but I don't know what to do. What I am losing instead, is my mind. :glare: I don't know what to do. I want to go see a naturapath but the one I see isn't able to help me with this issue. I looked into another one and they want $287 for the first consult and $95 for each one after. :blink: I'm not comfortable doing a flush/cleanse or whatever on my own just with info on the internet because I'm nursing a baby who is not even old enough for solid foods.

 

Seriously, I'm going crazy. It's so dang hard to cook a meal when you feel yuck. Plus, I am trying to find enough food that I can eat so that I can maintain a good milk supply for the baby. :willy_nilly:

 

I'm just plain miserable. I hate food. I hate eating. I hate that I have to think of food and eating at least 3 times per day. So, most of the time, I cry. I feel so defeated.

 

Oh, please, someone here have some advice for me. Or pity. I'll take that too at this point.

 

Yet above, you're saying that you are healthy, have no other issues that you're aware of??

 

Are you feeling all better from the gallbladder attacks?

 

I would never say anyone is irresponsible for having more kids and that's really a decision between you and dh, but I was kind of surprised to read this in light of you being in so much agony just a few days ago.

 

Hope you're feeling all better!:001_smile:

[plain jane]

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the same person that posted the other day to "please help me I can't go on like this" and wrote this:

 

 

Yet above, you're saying that you are healthy, have no other issues that you're aware of??

 

Are you feeling all better from the gallbladder attacks?

 

I would never say anyone is irresponsible for having more kids and that's really a decision between you and dh, but I was kind of surprised to read this in light of you being in so much agony just a few days ago.

 

Hope you're feeling all better!:001_smile:

 

 

Yes, that was me. I forgot that in my OP. I've never had gallbladder issues until just now. Darn, I meant to include that but got distracted by the baby crying when I went back to review my post. I guess now I have gallbladder issues (though no stones :confused:). Never had that before a few weeks ago.

 

No, I'm NOT thinking of having another one any time soon. :tongue_smilie: It's just been on my mind, so I thought I'd bring it up. I'm in no hurry to make a decision one way or another or have another baby now.

[Wyndie]

I have children very similar to yours; only their allergies are anaphylactic. All three children have a different set of allergies. They all three share some common allergens though. For a VERY long time, it was a nightmare. For the last few years I have wanted another child. Actually I want several. DH has adamantly said he will not allow it. Not in a "maybe later" or "I'll think about it later" but a resounding NO WAY. He said he did not want to create any more sick children. It kills him to see them left out of so many things b/c we live in a food-centric society. He also loves me more than them :lol: and does not want me to have to go through another difficult pregnancy and heartbreak of dealing with new allergies and the emotional trauma of adjusting to the fact that I made another sick child. Nothing I can say will sway him; not even the fact that I am 1000% better (healthier) than I ever was before.

 

My children want more siblings. They like that they are all allergic so they have each other when things are hard. When they are left out, they're all left out. They look out for each other at public activities.

 

All that to say if I were in your position, I don't think I could say "no more". Children are a delight and the allergies are only a part of them; they're totally worth the "trouble" of crazy diets. However I do recall several posts from you recently where you were at the end of your rope. If I were not feeling calm and collected these days, I would not consider another child, given our track record.

 

I hope you can find peace with your desires. Don't worry about "Punishing" your children; that's rubbish. (I say that nicely :)) No one creates sick children on purpose, it just happens. From your comments, you're aware of several of the "common" reasons for multiple children allergies so I trust you have looked into everything possible for finding a reason. Good luck in your decision. I know if my husband were not so adamant, I would be torn too.

 

:grouphug:

[JulieH]

Yes, that was me. I forgot that in my OP. I've never had gallbladder issues until just now. Darn, I meant to include that but got distracted by the baby crying when I went back to review my post. I guess now I have gallbladder issues (though no stones :confused:). Never had that before a few weeks ago.

 

No, I'm NOT thinking of having another one any time soon. :tongue_smilie: It's just been on my mind, so I thought I'd bring it up. I'm in no hurry to make a decision one way or another or have another baby now.

 

Are you SURE you have no stones? Did you have a CT or ultrasound to make sure? That is indeed a consideration prior to getting pregnant. You certainly do not want to get pregnant if you know you have gallstones! Get that taken care of first! (IMHO) ...or at the very least find out exactly what is causing that trouble.

 

Are you feeling better? It sounded like the other night you were miserable (and overwhelmed with everything else with the dietary issues)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jane, you've had a number of posts over the years where you've been at the end of your rope. Of course this is an individual decision between you and your dh but I would hate to see you feeling more stretched.

[plain jane]

Are you SURE you have no stones? Did you have a CT or ultrasound to make sure? That is indeed a consideration prior to getting pregnant. You certainly do not want to get pregnant if you know you have gallstones! Get that taken care of first! (IMHO) ...or at the very least find out exactly what is causing that trouble.

 

Are you feeling better? It sounded like the other night you were miserable (and overwhelmed with everything else with the dietary issues)

 

Yes, ultrasound but no CT. No, I am not feeling better. Lol. I postedthis because the question has been on mind, not because I am planning ajar baby any time soon. :)

[plain jane]

Jane, you've had a number of posts over the years where you've been at the end of your rope. Of course this is an individual decision between you and your dh but I would hate to see you feeling more stretched.

 

Yes, you are right Jean, thank you. :). I am in no position to add to my family at this time. I do hope that will change and I will get my mojo back. I have seen the end of my rope a few times and bounced back. Hopefully this will be the case once my gallbladder issues are resolved and baby sleeps through the night. Maybe. :001_unsure:

[Meriwether]

Yes, you are right Jean, thank you. :). I am in no position to add to my family at this time. I do hope that will change and I will get my mojo back. I have seen the end of my rope a few times and bounced back. Hopefully this will be the case once my gallbladder issues are resolved and baby sleeps through the night. Maybe. :001_unsure:

 

I often feel at the end of my rope. I'd still like more kids. The older ones get older. I wouldn't want one yet but the dynamic will change again over the next couple of years. Not sleeping at night wears me out, but having crazy days, months, or even years (when the oldest ones were all little) wouldn't be the determining factor of whether or not I'd have another. My sister has five kids. There is a window after each one where she feels crazy and overwhelmed. I think that is just part of raising small children.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I don't know what to say but I hear the pain in your post. I'm so sorry.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[AngelBee]

Yes, you are right Jean, thank you. :). I am in no position to add to my family at this time. I do hope that will change and I will get my mojo back. I have seen the end of my rope a few times and bounced back. Hopefully this will be the case once my gallbladder issues are resolved and baby sleeps through the night. Maybe. :001_unsure:

 

:grouphug: Well...I for one think being at the end of your rope is a pretty normal feeling for mothers......from singletons to 19 and counting.

[T'smom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I don't have any answers, but I have struggled with something similar. LOTS of people in my family are depressed or bipolar. My kids could inherit that from me. I would HATE it if that turns out to be the case. BUT- they are worth it. Not just to me, but to the world. People in my family that suffer with these things have made significant contributions to society. I suffer with something (I've had psychs tell me that I am bipolar and others say that I'm not.....who knows?!?!?) but I'm glad that my parents had me. I hope you get some peace about this.

[Peela]

This may be way off...but allergies can develop because solids were introduced too soon, and the wrong solids were given in the first few years, or if any medication such as antibiotics is given at any time. Allergies develop because of the gut, and gut health is of primary importance in treating them. Antiobiotics kill off the important gut flora. Food that is likely to cause allergies also shouldnt be introduced for a long time, until their systems can handle it.

(and some kids just get them anyway). Breast-feeding exclusively for as long as possible is also good. If you have a child allergic to rice- was rice their first food? At what age? It is a common first food- and apparently a common allergen in countries where it is a primary food. Better off using vegetables as first foods.

I kept my kids away from dairy (except for some goats milk for the oldest), and wheat except for very occasional, and sugar, for as long as I could. Their dad has allergies to various things- I didnt- but i knew they would have a tendency.

My point being- if you can see that you can do it differently with future babies- hold back the solids, be very fussy about what enters their mouth for a long time- nothing your other kids are allergic to- probiotics to encourage healthy gut flora- you may be able to prevent the same scenario- or at least moderate it.

My kids have both developed allergies now- now that they eat out, eat junk foods, eat too much sugar, wheat and dairy...not at home, but when with friends. So I was instinctively right- but we managed to get them to teenagerhood before the allergies kicked in. Now it is really their responsibility- I can only do so much. My daughter flares up in exzema if she eats sugar or tomatoes- an I am pretty sure she is wheat sensitive too. But she still eats them- what to do.

[Mommy22alyns]

Of course I can't judge for you or anyone else, but I think we have an obligation to the children we have. I would love another, but I had serious complications with Sylvia that have a 25-30% chance of recurring. That could entail a long hospitalization for me, which would be very hard on two children. I won't pretend it's easy. But my first duty is to Rebecca and Sylvia. :)

[Runningmom80]

This may be way off...but allergies can develop because solids were introduced too soon, and the wrong solids were given in the first few years, or if any medication such as antibiotics is given at any time. Allergies develop because of the gut, and gut health is of primary importance in treating them. Antiobiotics kill off the important gut flora. Food that is likely to cause allergies also shouldnt be introduced for a long time, until their systems can handle it.

(and some kids just get them anyway). Breast-feeding exclusively for as long as possible is also good. If you have a child allergic to rice- was rice their first food? At what age? It is a common first food- and apparently a common allergen in countries where it is a primary food. Better off using vegetables as first foods.

I kept my kids away from dairy (except for some goats milk for the oldest), and wheat except for very occasional, and sugar, for as long as I could. Their dad has allergies to various things- I didnt- but i knew they would have a tendency.

My point being- if you can see that you can do it differently with future babies- hold back the solids, be very fussy about what enters their mouth for a long time- nothing your other kids are allergic to- probiotics to encourage healthy gut flora- you may be able to prevent the same scenario- or at least moderate it.

My kids have both developed allergies now- now that they eat out, eat junk foods, eat too much sugar, wheat and dairy...not at home, but when with friends. So I was instinctively right- but we managed to get them to teenagerhood before the allergies kicked in. Now it is really their responsibility- I can only do so much. My daughter flares up in exzema if she eats sugar or tomatoes- an I am pretty sure she is wheat sensitive too. But she still eats them- what to do.

 

 

 

I don't mean to be rude, but there is a lot of misinformation in this post. The aap has done some studies, and the conclusions were that it didn't matter when and in what order solids are introduced. I see what you are saying about the antibiotics, and I tend to agree with the leaky gut theory too, but I think a child would need to be predisposed genetically to developing the food allergy in the first place.

 

My sons allergies were apparent at 6 weeks old, he had no antibiotics, and was EBF until 6 months when I used the joneja allergy scale to slowly introduce solids. He is almost 5, and still allergic to everything, even thought I've eliminated most chemical and non natural ingredients from his diet.

 

 

Maybe some of those things contribute to food allergies, but I don't think, and research backs me up here, that they alone cause them.

 

 

OP, are you a member if kidswithfoodallergies.org? Great resource!

[Peela]

I don't mean to be rude, but there is a lot of misinformation in this post. The aap has done some studies, and the conclusions were that it didn't matter when and in what order solids are introduced. I see what you are saying about the antibiotics, and I tend to agree with the leaky gut theory too, but I think a child would need to be predisposed genetically to developing the food allergy in the first place.

 

My sons allergies were apparent at 6 weeks old, he had no antibiotics, and was EBF until 6 months when I used the joneja allergy scale to slowly introduce solids. He is almost 5, and still allergic to everything, even thought I've eliminated most chemical and non natural ingredients from his diet.

 

 

Maybe some of those things contribute to food allergies, but I don't think, and research backs me up here, that they alone cause them.

 

 

OP, are you a member if kidswithfoodallergies.org? Great resource!

 

I dont understand why you would dismiss my post as misinformation when the joneja list you quote actually supports it. Just because it didn't work for your child doesn't mean it won't work for others. It's always worth a try (and I would not agree with that list, either- I would no longer introduce a baby to any grains as first foods- but the list is a start).

A baby is still fed breastmilk- what you eat can be enough to trigger allergies in a susceptible child.

It is easy to find a study out there, or an association, that supports your views, but it seems sad to dismiss allergy scales, introduction of foods etc for all kids when it didn't work for yours.

I do believe the way I chose to feed my babies- and longterm breastfeeding- helped support their immune systems enough that they avoided reactions till later in their childhood. That doesn't mean it will work for everyone.

And even eliminating chemicals from the diet is not enough to guarantee the child is not exposed to them- they are in the air, in your breastmilk, in the food chain, in the soil. It is now impossible to avoid them completely.

There are no guarantees but it is worth doing what you can.