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I am under so much stress that I am sick.


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We are leaving tomorrow for a 7-day cruise to the western Caribbean. I do not want to go. I foresee disaster. :(

 

My IL's are celebrating a big anniversary and decided to take dh, his brother, and grandkids on a celebratory cruise. That sounds good, right?

 

Well, for 20 of our 26 years of marriage my IL's wouldn't speak to me, or if they did it was mean. They would ignore me (ie, I would talk and they would. not. respond.), or they would insult me, yell at me, etc. Civility and friendliness were unknown to them. FIL is a verbally abusive alcoholic...most of the time he's calm, but you never know what will set him off. Two years ago they started being nice to me, but I don't know why. I don't trust them and am always waiting for something bad to happen when we see them (which is only 1 or 2 times a year).

 

About 14 years ago they stopped making any effort whatsoever to see our children (fine by me) so the younger 3 don't have any type of relationship with them. BIL and his wife have not spoken to us for 2 years...just too busy to return calls, etc. In short, this is a very dysfunctional extended family.

 

So...IL's decide we will go on this cruise. I didn't want to go, but dh is forever trying to be nice and have a relationship with them. I tried to tell them that August is not a good time to cruise that area because of hurricanes. I was ignored.

 

They got a suite on the ship (a suite!!) where we have to stay. With them. I hate flying, and we have to fly to Florida. And guess what? The IL's decided that it would be such a fun family togetherness thing to fly together! So they are flying in from a different state just to be on the same plane with us...and BIL/SIL. I feel nauseous just typing about it.

 

I'm in enough of a freaked out state with my son being in Afghanistan (one of they guys in his unit was killed a few days ago...things are not good where he is and I am worried sick). I'm totally freaked out about the ILs. I'm freaked out about flying.

 

I want to have a good time. I just don't know that this is going to work. I'm scared. Oh, and the weather? There is a tropical depression approaching the gulf and NOAA says there's an 80% chance that it will develop into a hurricane in the next day or two. I envision being stuck in the suite as the boat lurches and rolls through the storm. I want to cry.

 

I told dh that I think I'm having a breakdown. I am not kidding. :(

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All of you are staying in a single suite?

 

On the bright side, you should be able to hide in the crowd...

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

BIL and family have their own room. Dh, our four younger sons (19, 17, 15, 14) are the ones in the suite in the ILs. ILs have their own bedroom. Dh and I share a bedroom w/ 2 boys, and 2 boys have a pull-out sofa in the suite's living area.

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

The ships will pilot around the storm! You may not get your intended ports of call, but you will be safe.

 

I'm soo sorry about the suite! Ugh! I was going to say hide in your room, but that's not really possible in a suite. Find things on the ship to amuse yourself. Wine tastings, beer tastings, martini tastings. Bingo, gambling. Workout. Take books (kindle, nook).

 

That is beyond me. I will be thinking about you! Praying for you!

 

:grouphug:

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We did w Carib in Jan and it was quite pleasant. Take a stack of books or some knitting. A cruise ship is huge. The gym will be free for equipment. You can get up early and work out then read somewhere quiet while dh spends time with the family.

 

Which ship are you going on?

 

We have cruised several times before and we love it...it's just the circumstances (ILs, weather) regarding this one that are the problem for me. The ship is one of the two newest huge ones...Oasis perhaps? from Royal Caribbean.

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Is there a way to upgrade (or downgrade) to your own room? We are leaving on Thursday for a cruise and no.way.on.earth. would I room with my in-laws.

 

That said, the boats are huge and you can avoid the in-laws for most of it. I would tell DH that I will go if 1.we have our own room and 2. we only meet for dinner, and the rest of the time you are free to do as you please with your immediate family.

 

I too would like to know how the BIL rated getting his own suite. It's not like it's just you and your DH, you have four children!

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Well, if you go through a hurricane together, the shared memory might bond you together forever! (just kidding)

 

When I'm in those kinds of stressful situations, I go very quiet and just smile a lot. If anyone asks you what's wrong, you could say you're worried about your son.

 

You might bring five or six FABULOUS novels to read.

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Oh, ((Ria))... I don't know if it will help for me to tell you that I've always thought of you as such a ... such a grown-up. :) You've raised six kids who are strong and independent and love you. You're smart and capable, have a career, have weathered all sorts of changes and challenges over your adult life.

 

This week might be unpleasant. But you can do it.

 

Do you have a Kindle or an iPod or just a suitcase full of books? Something light that you can just get sucked into completely? Maybe you can find a way to simply escape most of the time.

 

The flying will be fine. I won't say that flying is pleasant, but it's generally efficient and very safe. Being with crazy/mean in-laws will no doubt make it more challenging, but you can do this.

 

Keep mental notes "for your book". You know? Every time they say or do something outrageous, imagine how you would spin it into a laugh-til-the-tears-roll-down-your-face book about your crazy, outrageous relatives. (Remember Katherine Bell's honeymoon story? It was so awful, but we all laughed so hard reading about it later? Imagine it all as fodder for someone's amusement -- someday.)

 

I'll be thinking about you this week... (You flyin' through Hartsfield? If you get off the plane and refuse to get back on, I'll come pick you up, okay?) ;)

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Oh good! It's a HUGE ship! You can spend most of your time out of the room and still have a wonderful time. Schedule yourself for activities that require you go alone - or with one or two of your kids - spa activities, rock climbing, surfing lessons (yes, they have these on that ship!).

 

Look up what shore activities they have and choose the ones you know your ILs won't go on but your family would enjoy!

 

And, don't worry about the storm. They steer WAY around them.

 

We're going on the Oasis next year, but not with the ILs!

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:grouphug: I'd probably be finding a quiet place to get away too. Books are always a good escape.

 

A headset/music for the flight might help you get some distance from others.

 

I would also set some ground rules with your dh about how much you do with your ILs.

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Well, if you are sick you won't be faking it if you say that you just can't go anywhere with them. That way you can stay in the suite and try and enjoy your alone time. Read a book or something that makes you happy. Don't worry about playing their "game" cuz that's what it sounds like to me.

 

My first thought is that they are inviting all of you just so they can see "their" son. So, let them see him but stay out of the way. It will make you happy and probably them too, who knows. I hate to be a downer on this but I would do what makes you happy during this time.

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We have cruised several times before and we love it...it's just the circumstances (ILs, weather) regarding this one that are the problem for me. The ship is one of the two newest huge ones...Oasis perhaps? from Royal Caribbean.

 

We were on the maiden voyage of Royal Caribbean's Mariner of the Seas and I've been on two of their other ships in the same class. It was at the time the largest ship of their fleet, possibly the largest in the world. Those newer ships are even larger. You will have no problem finding a way to entertain yourself all day long without bothering with the in-laws. They will never be able to find you if you want to truly escape.

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Is there a way to upgrade (or downgrade) to your own room? We are leaving on Thursday for a cruise and no.way.on.earth. would I room with my in-laws.

 

Seriously, I would look into this. I doubt that the ship sails at 100% capacity every time, just maybe they can relocate you? Just start thinking about it and what you will tell the IL's if you can get your own room.

 

Oh, ((Ria))... I don't know if it will help for me to tell you that I've always thought of you as such a ... such a grown-up. :) You've raised six kids who are strong and independent and love you. You're smart and capable, have a career, have weathered all sorts of changes and challenges over your adult life.

 

This week might be unpleasant. But you can do it.

 

:iagree:

Ria, you know you are one of my heroes, don'tcha? It's been good to see you back around the boards, though I am sorry for the reason behind it.You have a lot on your mind right now with your son's deployment. Maybe it would help to try to think of this trip as something that would distract his siblings from worrying about him?

 

FWIW, my MIL is a peacemaker sort. Whenever she senses a disturbance in the force, it seems like she conjures up situations to bring the happy clan together so everyone can feel the love. Gah, I would rather crawl into a hole.... so maybe a big buffet followed by a hidden deck chair isn't such a bad alternative.

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Oh, ((Ria))... I don't know if it will help for me to tell you that I've always thought of you as such a ... such a grown-up. :) You've raised six kids who are strong and independent and love you. You're smart and capable, have a career, have weathered all sorts of changes and challenges over your adult life.

This week might be unpleasant. But you can do it.

 

Ah, Abbey, I do love you. :) I need to put on my big-girl panties and just deal. And, to be honest, I know my anxiety about this trip is magnified ten-fold by my anxiety about Daniel's deployment. That really is the crux of it, I think. It's hard to handle anything else besides what I'm trying to come to grips with with Dan.

 

You know, we prepare ourselves as moms to let go, and I did that. I handled car wrecks, the dropping out of college, all that stuff....I might not have handled it well at the time, lol, but I dealt with it and moved on. I was there, and I could help if needed. I didn't fear for Dan's future and wondered about his choices; his choices to make, but at least I was around just in case.

 

I can't help in Afghanistan. I can only sit here and try to be brave...what a joke. I'm not brave. Somedays I'll be doing really well, and then something will happen that snaps me back to reality - for example, yesterday the doorbell rang. I was terrified. I feel like I'm not strong enough for this aspect of parenting. And yet, what choice do I have? He's an adult. He made a choice knowing our country was at war, and I respect his choice. But God knows, it's hard for a mom.

 

So, you are right, all of you wonderful encouraging women. I can do this cruise. And for the sake of my boys I'll try hard to do it well and with a smile. I will bring books on the Nook, buy lots of alcohol, take my Xanax, and avoid unpleasantness. I will try not to worry about a situation overseas that I cannot control or influence. I will try hard to be brave.

 

Thank you guys for listening. It means a lot.

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Ah, Abbey, I do love you. :) I need to put on my big-girl panties and just deal. And, to be honest, I know my anxiety about this trip is magnified ten-fold by my anxiety about Daniel's deployment. That really is the crux of it, I think. It's hard to handle anything else besides what I'm trying to come to grips with with Dan.

 

You know, we prepare ourselves as moms to let go, and I did that. I handled car wrecks, the dropping out of college, all that stuff....I might not have handled it well at the time, lol, but I dealt with it and moved on. I was there, and I could help if needed. I didn't fear for Dan's future and wondered about his choices; his choices to make, but at least I was around just in case.

 

I can't help in Afghanistan. I can only sit here and try to be brave...what a joke. I'm not brave. Somedays I'll be doing really well, and then something will happen that snaps me back to reality - for example, yesterday the doorbell rang. I was terrified. I feel like I'm not strong enough for this aspect of parenting. And yet, what choice do I have? He's an adult. He made a choice knowing our country was at war, and I respect his choice. But God knows, it's hard for a mom.

 

So, you are right, all of you wonderful encouraging women. I can do this cruise. And for the sake of my boys I'll try hard to do it well and with a smile. I will bring books on the Nook, buy lots of alcohol, take my Xanax, and avoid unpleasantness. I will try not to worry about a situation overseas that I cannot control or influence. I will try hard to be brave.

 

Thank you guys for listening. It means a lot.

 

Ria,

 

I can totally understand your worries about your son. As my kids get older and are still talking about the military, I realize that it would me much harder for me to be a military mom than it was to just be active duty myself. When I was in the thick of things, I just did what needed doing. I always had the cover of action, busyness and the illusion of control. As a mom I would have none of these.

 

At the same time, being miserable at home won't make them safer or bring them home earlier.

 

Try to enjoy as much of the cruise as you can. Read, work out, eat good food. Play akido with any negative interactions (ie, just let them slide to the side without combating them). Write your ds some nice long letters about what everyone is doing (he'll certainly enjoy the mail). Take some good pictures of everyone and send him some hard copies.

 

Hugs.

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Ah, Abbey, I do love you. :) I need to put on my big-girl panties and just deal. And, to be honest, I know my anxiety about this trip is magnified ten-fold by my anxiety about Daniel's deployment. That really is the crux of it, I think. It's hard to handle anything else besides what I'm trying to come to grips with with Dan.

 

You know, we prepare ourselves as moms to let go, and I did that. I handled car wrecks, the dropping out of college, all that stuff....I might not have handled it well at the time, lol, but I dealt with it and moved on. I was there, and I could help if needed. I didn't fear for Dan's future and wondered about his choices; his choices to make, but at least I was around just in case.

 

I can't help in Afghanistan. I can only sit here and try to be brave...what a joke. I'm not brave. Somedays I'll be doing really well, and then something will happen that snaps me back to reality - for example, yesterday the doorbell rang. I was terrified. I feel like I'm not strong enough for this aspect of parenting. And yet, what choice do I have? He's an adult. He made a choice knowing our country was at war, and I respect his choice. But God knows, it's hard for a mom.

 

So, you are right, all of you wonderful encouraging women. I can do this cruise. And for the sake of my boys I'll try hard to do it well and with a smile. I will bring books on the Nook, buy lots of alcohol, take my Xanax, and avoid unpleasantness. I will try not to worry about a situation overseas that I cannot control or influence. I will try hard to be brave.

 

Thank you guys for listening. It means a lot.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I wish I could do more!

 

I'm praying for your Daniel.

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A...That really is the crux of it, I think. It's hard to handle anything else besides what I'm trying to come to grips with with Dan...

 

Yeah. I bet. ... And I know I truly can't even fathom it. When my brother was in Iraq, well... I was worried and I love him, but he was in his mid-twenties already and we had lived apart for many, many years and, ultimately, he was my *brother*, not my son. And it was still hard. I jumped when the phone rang. Especially if my dad left a message saying to call him... I look at my baby boy (rapidly approaching my own height at this point), and I cannot even *imagine* the worry you're experiencing.

 

I wish there were some way to wrap you up in a blanket of comfort and, to some extent, oblivion until he's home safe.

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Forgive me, I haven't read all of the posts.

 

I have super difficult parents. I know how truly awful it can be. No disrespect intended, but when people say essentially "take a stack of books and chill" they have no. idea. End of story.

 

I absolutely lvoe cruises. I've only been on one, but it was amazing.

 

Still, I wouldn't go. Did I read that you'll be staying in the same room with these people?? No way in the world.

 

If you feel completely and totally committed and simply cannot back out I would (and I'm not kidding):

 

1) get a calming medication of some kind from your dr. Like valium. Explain how bad the situation is or make something up but get something that will take your edge off.

 

2) Plan something wonderful and alone each and every day. Definitely go to the spa -- you wouldn't believe how much that will help. I know it's pricey. Do it anyway.

 

3) Take an ipod if you have one and earphones and leave these people, find a chair on the opposite side of the ship and listen and read: ALONE.

 

4) Every day use the ship's fitness room. Getting endorphins will help.

 

5) Take every single opportunity you can find NOT to have dinner with the parents.

 

6) Let the parents take the daily excursion and you stay on board -- or vice versa. Even if you have to lie and say you feel sick. Do it.

 

7) When you do hang out w/ the parents, I would only do it as your best time of day. Mine would be in the morning. I would not see them in the evening because I'm most tired then.

 

I would be pleasant, of course, but assume that these people will be their standard selves -- and if something goes well, celebrate. But don't expect it. Setting myself up for "a good time" meant I wasn't dealing with the reality of my parents. Somehow that made it hurt all the more.

 

My heart truly goes out to you. I don't actually think you should go, but if you do please, please make your care top priority.

 

Feel free to pm me.

 

Alley

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