please share your "gave up on full-quiver" stories

[Ginevra]

I was anti-BC when I got married. I actually came to this conviction all by my lonesome, sitting in a college biology class. The lecture was on reproduction and I remember thinking, "Wow, that is so amazing, only God could do that... we sure do casually interfere with a holy process... oh no, I don't think I believe in birth control." This inkling was then transformed into a firmly held belief when I met dh's sister and brother-in-law who were (are) all-out QF. They were, shall we say, *evangelistic* about it, and it would have been very awkward had I been of a different mind.

 

Got pregnant 5 months after the wedding, then again a year after birth of the first baby. However, around the time we got pregnant w/ #2, we had been learning about NFP and were coming to the conclusion that God would not have given us fertility signs if He had wanted marital intercourse to be a totally blind act. If you KNOW you are ovulating, you do make a decision. It's not just "up to God."

 

We are now at the place of thinking BC is fine, in certain forms. Still not comfortable with abortifacient BC. Still think children are a blessing, and that many people (believers and non-believers both) approach parenthood with a selfish mindset (children as accessories that we want when we're materially comfortable enough). I think that in some ways having a baby quickly helped us focus on something together and get past some early marriage rockiness more quickly.

 

So here I am in my mid-30s with 5 kids. We're done (vas). And I do struggle sometimes. I think that if we had had the same mindset as a newlywed that we do now, I would have wanted to wait. I would have wanted to work for a few years. I was a good student, went to a great college, had an awesome resume. In some ways, I feel regret that I didn't do something with it, just for a little while. It would have been nice to have more time with just dh too. I think it also would have given me more gratitude for my first few babies. I think I approached motherhood with more of a "here we go, this is what happens to us married women", grin-and-bear-it kind of attitude. I see older moms with more awe and gratefulness, more experience and perspective. I kind of envy that for the 23-year-old new mom that I was.

 

I don't know if I would have fewer kids. When we decided to have babies 4 and 5, we were totally fine with the idea of BC. We just wanted more. But sometimes I do wonder if that desire was totally personal or if it was influenced by the environment we were in (v. conservative church w. lots of big families). We are no longer in that kind of church and sometimes I have this guilty envy of smaller families whose lives seem simpler and easier. I know, small-family-people, they probably aren't. The grass is always greener, etc.

 

I do still believe in God and Jesus. I believe in providence, even! So I guess the banner over all of this for me is that God is sovereign, even over convictions no longer held. But it doesn't mean I don't have some regrets, or just niggling discontentment sometimes.

 

SIL doesn't know about the vas. I sort of dread that conversation. I know, I'm a grown woman and shouldn't care but I do. I hate being judged, and this is just another category in a long list of categories!

 

Thanks for starting this thread. It has been something on my mind a lot lately but I haven't verbalized it. This has helped.

 

I think you're right about grass-is-greener thinking, though, because I have some regrets about having "waited properly" to start having kids and "planning properly" between them. I got married when I was 23. Dh is 8 years older than I am. I look back - I thought I had all the time in the world to have as many kids as I could possibly desire. I feel like - if I could do it over again, I would not take b/c one day past the wedding! It also never occurred to me that dh's age would be a major factor; I just figured I'd have a few kids in no time at all and we would have as many children as desired.

 

It did not go that way. Pregnancy never came quick and I also lost babies. Dh turned 40 before we even had 3 living children, which is just *such* a small family in my eyes.

 

I have Big Family envy. I envy people at church; I count kids in public whenever I see little herds following a mom around. I am grieving the loss of a dream of what I imagined my family would be. It is a hard thing to reconcile and it is also not PC to discuss IRL.

 

I wish I could be back at 23, when I thought life was a bowl of cherries and I stupidly thought it would turn out as I expected. ;)

[Janie Grace]

I think you're right about grass-is-greener thinking, though, because I have some regrets about having "waited properly" to start having kids and "planning properly" between them. I got married when I was 23. Dh is 8 years older than I am. I look back - I thought I had all the time in the world to have as many kids as I could possibly desire. I feel like - if I could do it over again, I would not take b/c one day past the wedding! It also never occurred to me that dh's age would be a major factor; I just figured I'd have a few kids in no time at all and we would have as many children as desired.

 

It did not go that way. Pregnancy never came quick and I also lost babies. Dh turned 40 before we even had 3 living children, which is just *such* a small family in my eyes.

 

I have Big Family envy. I envy people at church; I count kids in public whenever I see little herds following a mom around. I am grieving the loss of a dream of what I imagined my family would be. It is a hard thing to reconcile and it is also not PC to discuss IRL.

 

I wish I could be back at 23, when I thought life was a bowl of cherries and I stupidly thought it would turn out as I expected. ;)

 

Thanks. Most of the time when I consider my 5 little ducks and my relative youth (35), I'm grateful. I love the happy chaos of our family (most of the time). We live in an pretty liberal area, though, and I am getting worn down by feeling like an idiot or being looked at like I have 2 heads when I go out with everyone. So thanks for sharing your perspective. It helps.

[macpuffins]

I have Big Family envy. I envy people at church; I count kids in public whenever I see little herds following a mom around. I am grieving the loss of a dream of what I imagined my family would be. It is a hard thing to reconcile and it is also not PC to discuss IRL.

:grouphug:

I *so* get this. Our church is not QF by any means, but there are, and have been, larger families. I always felt less than them as we didn't even have a family. I still feel judged at times because we only have the one child. Then I get the 'upside the head God-smack'[1] and Thank Him, because I *HAVE* a child. We never thought we could be blessed that way, and yet just a few days prior to my 42nd b-day, the little line was joined by its friend. W/ *all* the potential issues w/ being an older mom, especially a 1st time carrying beyond 7wks, we are excruciatingly fortunate, our daughter is hearty & hale, though petite.

We would *dearly* love a 2nd child, but the reality is, not a lot of 2nd children are born to moms getting preggy at 45+..... I keep reminding myself that God doesn't judge me by the standards of others nor by their opinions of me and my family, and I keep working on releasing that burden to Him, and letting it wash over me like water on a duck's back. It doesn't remove the pain of their words or judgements, but it does ease the sting.

 

[1] I do not use the term irreverently. I literally mean an upside the head smack from God. There's no other way to describe it. (yeah, there's almost always a headache involved).

[Lisa R.]

 

SIL doesn't know about the vas. I sort of dread that conversation. I know, I'm a grown woman and shouldn't care but I do. I hate being judged, and this is just another category in a long list of categories!

 

 

Why would this even come up in conversation? :confused: I can't imagine someone asking me such a question. If they were so rude as to bring it up, I would certainly not answer.

 

You do not need to justify this to anyone. You do not need to bring it up to anyone, particularly is they are judgmental about such things. If asked, you do not need to provide an answer.

 

(You probably know all this. I'm just trying to send you lots of support from here. :))

[Janie Grace]

Why would this even come up in conversation? :confused: I can't imagine someone asking me such a question. If they were so rude as to bring it up, I would certainly not answer.

 

You do not need to justify this to anyone. You do not need to bring it up to anyone, particularly is they are judgmental about such things. If asked, you do not need to provide an answer.

 

(You probably know all this. I'm just trying to send you lots of support from here. :))

 

I don't think she'd ask about whether dh had one, but I think she'll hint about the next baby. And then I'll feel like I'm lying to not tell her. But maybe you're right... I can just shrug and say "who knows" or something. Thanks for the reminder. She tends to be domineering and for whatever reason, I'm affected by that.