Tell me not to be ungrateful or angry

[clarkacademy]

Little background-My mother is not in graet health. In and out of the hospital every other month it seems. Always ICU always hours away to drive. I moved me and my kids from IN to FL because well my mom is not in great health for one. My parents built their dream house and I got the hand me down on 26 acres of freedom for my babies.

 

I don't have much money I am stay at home with 4 kids one being disabled so money is slim. My parents know this and I don't pay alot of rent so to speak. I know my moms health is terrible she don't get out much. Carrying oxygen tanks is not very fun after all. I still ask her though if she wants to go to the library or anything we do. I have come to realize even n good days she won't go anywhere with us though.

 

This hurts my feelings. I live 12 miles from town, I have made NO friends since moving here. I am lonley and I knew this going in but I figured I would have my mom. I am the only kid that lives close, the other kids are hours if not states away. When my ex sister in law visited other family two hours away even though she had just goten out of ICU a week before my mom made sure she drove to visit them. Now my other sister and two neices are coming this weekend and they are planning on taking them to the zoo.

 

I just asked her to go to the zoo a week ago and she said she was too tired. If I need money she is the first to say here don't worry. If the kids need something here don't worry etc. I ask her to come over my house all the time she is always too tired. I don't want to seem ungrateful I think I make her mad anyway when she is always offering me stuff and I say no it's OK you don't have t buy that.

 

She keeps saying she is coming over to help me hang my curtains but she has been too tired. Curtains she picked by the way and we were going to do it together. She is too tired for that but now she can go to the zoo. Does anyone else understand why this is upsetting or am I being a brat? No I have never said anything at all to her about this.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Its sounds to me more like you are lonely than ungrateful. I'm not saying that it isn't hurtful, but I think your mother probably feels like she needs to make more of an effort on the rare occasions that the others come into town. She probably feels that she doesn't have to make the effort with you, because she knows you're there when she eventually does have the energy to see you. :grouphug:

[simka2]

I have a mom similar to yours, but healthier. I have come to realize that she has a different way of looking at things than I do. As a result she is missing out on oppurtunities with her grandkids. Yes, I get upset at times and it hurts that she will go in to debt to take my siblings to hawaii, but will not visit me even if I fly her out.

[Denise in Florida]

I could easily see myself doing what your mom is doing. I will try to explain below:

 

I don't know how your mom thinks about these things, but I can tell you how I think. I hope that was clear. :glare:

 

When I am buzy, not well, tired I want to retreat and not be around people. However, when I know I have a limited opportunity to see someone I will drag myself out and do it. The motivator is more often guilt that I won't have another chance soon than it is pleasure to see them. While I may end up enjoying myself I feel like it is an obligation.

 

The people who are available all the time, I would want to see when I would enjoy them. Therefore I would keep putting them off and infact delay seeing them so that I would have the energy to see the ones I HAVE to see. I would be frustrated and sorry that I was disappointing the local folks but I would hope they would understand.

 

I hope this helps. I don't know how your mom feels, this is just another perspective to consider.

[Impish]

I could easily see myself doing what your mom is doing. I will try to explain below:

 

I don't know how your mom thinks about these things, but I can tell you how I think. I hope that was clear. :glare:

 

When I am buzy, not well, tired I want to retreat and not be around people. However, when I know I have a limited opportunity to see someone I will drag myself out and do it. The motivator is more often guilt that I won't have another chance soon than it is pleasure to see them. While I may end up enjoying myself I feel like it is an obligation.

 

The people who are available all the time, I would want to see when I would enjoy them. Therefore I would keep putting them off and infact delay seeing them so that I would have the energy to see the ones I HAVE to see. I would be frustrated and sorry that I was disappointing the local folks but I would hope they would understand.

 

I hope this helps. I don't know how your mom feels, this is just another perspective to consider.

:iagree:Absolutely.

My parents were here last wk. Just left yesterday am. I wanted soooooooo badly to beg off several times, but forced myself to drag through b/c they live on the other side of the country, and I knew we wouldn't see them for another year.

 

Its going to take me probably a wk to recover.

 

If they lived locally, I would have had no hesitation bailing at all.

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I understand why it's upsetting. You need your mom. She's not feeling well and not there for you the way you'd thought. :grouphug:

 

Can you go along to the zoo too, so that you can spend time with them and her? I wonder if she's willing to go to the zoo with the others because she feels like she won't get to see them if she isn't "fun", kwim? Maybe she's worried that they won't visit if they think she's boring.

 

She gets to see you more often, so she can be more real with you.

 

Maybe you could gently let her know that you'd love to spend some time with her just because you love her and enjoy her company, and she doesn't need to be "on" for you. What if you hang the curtains yourself and invite her for tea to see them? Pick her up, settle her in, no expectations beyond spending some time chatting. Make it short and as restful as possible.

 

:grouphug: You're only a "brat" if you throw a temper tantrum about it. (And you're not.) Family means so much to us that it's easy to be vulnerable to hurt feelings even when everyone has the best of intentions.

 

Cat

[Denise in Florida]

:iagree:Absolutely.

My parents were here last wk. Just left yesterday am. I wanted soooooooo badly to beg off several times, but forced myself to drag through b/c they live on the other side of the country, and I knew we wouldn't see them for another year.

 

Its going to take me probably a wk to recover.

 

If they lived locally, I would have had no hesitation bailing at all.

 

Thanks, I really needed to see your *agree*. My dh just does not understand my reasoning. :001_smile: I felt a little like a weirdo trying to express it.

[clarkacademy]

I kind of honestly understand all that. I just wish she would have more "time" for me and my kids. We don't have to go anywhere or do anything, just come over hang out. Her house is across the yard and not set up for four rowdy kiddos so just she come over more I guess. I love knowing that if I say I wish I could do such and such she is all like well do it don't worry here is the money have fun, but I wish she would come too.

 

We have no neighbors, I have met NO ONE. I just wish she could hang around more. I will just have to get over it I suppose.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I can understand you being upset. I would be too. I have suffered with chronic illness, so I can see where she is coming from. I could get myself "up" for special events, but didn't seem to have enough energy for the day to day stuff. However, she may need to be reminded of priorities. Where she spends her limited energy shows where her priorities are. I was shortchanging my immediate family and needed to be called on it. Perhaps you can simply let her know that it hurts to have her not spend time with you, but have energy for others. Shoving feelings under the rug isn't healthy.

 

However, even if you gently confront her, it may not change her behavior. You need to be prepared for that and find a way to build a life for yourself that isn't dependent on her. Can you find any outside activities for yourself or your children where you can meet others? Other homeschoolers? Families with similar interests?

[clarkacademy]

I can understand you being upset. I would be too. I have suffered with chronic illness, so I can see where she is coming from. I could get myself "up" for special events, but didn't seem to have enough energy for the day to day stuff. However, she may need to be reminded of priorities. Where she spends her limited energy shows where her priorities are. I was shortchanging my immediate family and needed to be called on it. Perhaps you can simply let her know that it hurts to have her not spend time with you, but have energy for others. Shoving feelings under the rug isn't healthy.

 

However, even if you gently confront her, it may not change her behavior. You need to be prepared for that and find a way to build a life for yourself that isn't dependent on her. Can you find any outside activities for yourself or your children where you can meet others? Other homeschoolers? Families with similar interests?[/QUOTE]

 

 

I probally could, it would take a bit but probally. I just got out of a crummy 20 year relationship with the kids dad and I have become somewhat of a recluse to be truthful. Seems like friends and everything are drama drama. I was just kind of looking forward to coming here and having my mom. I don't want to make her feel bad or anything so I guess I will just deal with it. Your right I should try and make friends and do things.

[Harriet Vane]

Your mother is on oxygen?

 

I'm truly sorry for your loneliness, and you have my sympathy for that.

 

Having said that, though, I don't think you are accounting for how exhausting being on oxygen is. It's simply not the same as breathing normally. I would guess that outings are more exhausting than you realize, and take more out of her for days afterward than you are accounting for.

 

I saw the reality all too clearly in the years before my father died. He too was at home, on oxygen.

 

This is one thing you will not be able to change. Your mother is on oxygen in poor health. Outings are not easy for her. You will have to learn to relate in a different way.

 

:grouphug:

 

Edited to add: I just re-read your post. I can see why it hurts that your mother is giving her limited energy to the other relatives. However, they are in town just for a brief time, no? So your mother thinks this is a special occasion that requires a special effort. She cannot make that effort all the time.

Edited August 9, 2011 by strider

[amy g.]

I also think that your mother trusts you to tell you the truth about how she really feels.

 

She probably wants to tell your siblings that she is too tired, but isn't sure they will take it well.

[clarkacademy]

Your mother is on oxygen?

 

I'm truly sorry for your loneliness, and you have my sympathy for that.

 

Having said that, though, I don't think you are accounting for how exhausting being on oxygen is. It's simply not the same as breathing normally. I would guess that outings are more exhausting than you realize, and take more out of her for days afterward than you are accounting for.

 

I saw the reality all too clearly in the years before my father died. He too was at home, on oxygen.

 

This is one thing you will not be able to change. Your mother is on oxygen in poor health. Outings are not easy for her. You will have to learn to relate in a different way.

 

:grouphug:

 

Edited to add: I just re-read your post. I can see why it hurts that your mother is giving her limited energy to the other relatives. However, they are in town just for a brief time, no? So your mother thinks this is a special occasion that requires a special effort. She cannot make that effort all the time.

 

I know I really do know that. I am the one who sits at her bedside when she is sick, I drive the hours to go visit and help her bathe because the nurses creep her out lol. I am the one who is there to walk the dog when she is too tired. I know all that and I love I mean really love doing things for her. I don't expect anything and I just love doing things for my mom. She is my bestest friend and one of the strongest women I have ever met. I remember her working in shoes with holes to give me Nikes growing up and never once was she sorry so now I am honored to help her.

 

I just wish we could d some fun stuff too together thats all. My youngest sister won't even make time at all to visit, she only calls to ask for money, my brother well he just don't even call and my other younger sister she visits when it is good for her. When my ex sister in law visits she visits her new husbands family hours away with the grandbaby so mom has to go to them. She won't even come here but she has no problems asking my mom to pay for dance or whatnot for my neice.

 

I guess I am just being angry. I am not angry at her just angry at life I suppose. On a bright note my dishwasher broke several months ago and my mom finally found out and was going to order me a new one. It is all nasty inside so I decided to run it to clean it out a bit I figured since it didn't drain I could just suck it out with a shop vac. IT WORKED! Like there has never been a problem at all. Worked just fine. So that is just great to cheer me up!

[littleWMN]

I totally understand your perspective. We have some if that going on in our family as well. It's hurtful when I'm the one "here". I would expect not to be able to go on outings but would hope she could come over to visit.

 

That said, having struggled with my health at times, I do understand her perspective as well. I think she gently needs to be reminded that you'd love to spend time with her too. Can you invite her for dinner? For tea on the porch? Try to make it easy for her to say yes. :grouphug:

[Cedarmom]

I'm sorry.:grouphug: My mom is in declining health too, and on oxygen. She no longer feels like doing stuff. Even sometimes just hanging around makes her tired. Sometimes I get angry at certain things too. Mainly I think that I just am mourning losing my best friend. It is hard. And I am in a place where I have lots of friends, so I know for you it must be doubly hard. Truth is parents getting older just stinks!

[clarkacademy]

I'm sorry.:grouphug: My mom is in declining health too, and on oxygen. She no longer feels like doing stuff. Even sometimes just hanging around makes her tired. Sometimes I get angry at certain things too. Mainly I think that I just am mourning losing my best friend. It is hard. And I am in a place where I have lots of friends, so I know for you it must be doubly hard. Truth is parents getting older just stinks!

 

Yeah it does! It just sucks

[Harriet Vane]

I know I really do know that. I am the one who sits at her bedside when she is sick, I drive the hours to go visit and help her bathe because the nurses creep her out lol. I am the one who is there to walk the dog when she is too tired. I know all that and I love I mean really love doing things for her. I don't expect anything and I just love doing things for my mom. She is my bestest friend and one of the strongest women I have ever met. I remember her working in shoes with holes to give me Nikes growing up and never once was she sorry so now I am honored to help her.

 

I just wish we could d some fun stuff too together thats all. My youngest sister won't even make time at all to visit, she only calls to ask for money, my brother well he just don't even call and my other younger sister she visits when it is good for her. When my ex sister in law visits she visits her new husbands family hours away with the grandbaby so mom has to go to them. She won't even come here but she has no problems asking my mom to pay for dance or whatnot for my neice.

 

I guess I am just being angry. I am not angry at her just angry at life I suppose. On a bright note my dishwasher broke several months ago and my mom finally found out and was going to order me a new one. It is all nasty inside so I decided to run it to clean it out a bit I figured since it didn't drain I could just suck it out with a shop vac. IT WORKED! Like there has never been a problem at all. Worked just fine. So that is just great to cheer me up!

 

:grouphug: It's okay to feel unhappy about an unhappy situation. :grouphug:

[prairiewindmomma]

It honestly sounds like you're grieving too.....grieving your old life and missing who your mom used to be.

 

I get that you get stuck with all of the caregiving and your sibs come in for the "fun". But I would just try to accept where you are and see the blessings in it. I'm in a similar situation. :grouphug: