Parrothead Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Sorry, I'm reading out of order. I haven't read through all the posts yet. I'm just now getting back on. So this may already be addressed. The problem I have is knowing how they should re-do it. It may be obvious to others, but I'm not sure I know what the "right" way to express frustration is. If ds or dd does not like something that is happening and it is really upsetting them, how do they respond? How would it role-play out? They should be role-playing with you (or dh) first. Let dd (or ds) be dd and you be ds (or dd, depending). You do the aggravating thing and talk dd through the right way to respond. Like I said, I'm sure this is obvious, but I'm an emotional-stuffer and my husband has a over-active sensitivity to any conflict since he was raised by an alcoholic father. So, we're not the best at figuring out what is a healthy response to feelings of anger. The right response, right now should be to come tell you. You then deal with the offender. This may be all that is needed to validate the victim's feelings. If it isn't, maybe he feels you didn't do enough, then have him go run off the mad or go brood in his sanctuary or simply talk it out with him. This may change from incident to incident. I teach my kids to say, in a firm voice, "Don't do that!" or "I don't like that!" but what do they do if that doesn't work? I know I also need to work on them not aggravating each other....but where I'm at a loss is how to teach them expressions of anger or responses to anger feelings that are appropriate. They are going to face others in their life that will upset them. I want to give them the tools to know how to respond. They really need you to intervene for the time being. The offender has no reason right now (consequences) to stop offending. "Don't do that!" isn't going to stop the behavior. She will go right on doing what she is doing because she can. In the meantime his frustration level is rising above coping level and he lashes out. Later in life (when they are older) the things that are going on now, won't be a real problem. How often has someone come into your home and ripped the shades off your lamps? Broken all your pencils? mixed your clothes in with the cat litter? These things that siblings do to siblings just really don't happen to adults. If they do one calls the police, tells the boss, whatever it is adults do. Does that make sense? Yes. I love your advice, by the way, I'm just needing more details... I hope you don't mind me jumping in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 (edited) Great post, Chucki, but I have a question. If the parents constantly intervene and settle every squabble, how do the kids ever learn to settle their own arguments? I definitely don't condone violence or destruction of another's property, and I agree that needs to be stopped before it starts. But I would honestly like to hear your (and other posters') opinion about letting the children settle their own disagreements. I just ask because it is such a fine line and so hard to walk. We don't have the hitting and destruction (except very very rarely from the youngest), but we do have the squabbles very often. Thanks! I suppose I am happy to settle my kids squabbles (Not that they need it often). Because I feel people very seldom settle there own squabbles. If someone is treating you badly, breaking your stuff, calling you bad names, even hitting you. Would you handle that yourself? No depending on what is happening, and where you will either ask for help from friends, family, your boss, the police. Someone. If a friend comes to you and says there husband treats them the way your kids treat each other. Would you say, "Well talk it out between yourselves". No you would recommend counseling, or something. And kids do learn how to handle minor things. If for example every time youngest went into eldest room, and eldest says, "Please leave my room, I want to be alone" and youngest didn't listen. I would then be called and youngest would likely have to "Sorry" for not listening, and then get a lecture. So youngest eventually figures it out that it's easier to listen to his brother on the first request vs. having Mommy come up. Eldest also learns that if someone is not listening to you, and they should. You are welcome to call for help. Edited August 3, 2011 by Julie Smith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 Well, that's kind of why I'm posting. I don't think the consequence thing alone, is working. And I don't think it is giving them long-term tools for dealing with anger/frustration. But, I need help knowing how to communicate appropriate tools. Consequences may be needed...but I think there is more to this than just that approach. By the way, it broke my heart too. It was one of those times that I felt like I needed to make a strong and obvious point. But I love my kids, and I was frustrated that we couldn't just all have a good time. My kids, by the way, handled it with grace. We have taught them (in other situations) to always see the bright side of things. They were such troopers, actually enjoying watching us ride, and telling me that this was "not that bad". :D It is rare that consequences alone works. Consequences are "required" to get the kid thinking, and to realize that inappropriate behavior is inappropriate. But consequences alone won't modify the behavior. Well, maybe if the consequences are overly harsh they may change the behavior. But chances are they simply break the child in one way or another. Lots and lots of talking, modeling appropriate behavior, role playing is needed. It is exhausting, and I can only imagine how overwhelming it can be for those with more than one child. Something else that might help is more structured time instead of a lot of free time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted August 3, 2011 Share Posted August 3, 2011 I suppose I am happy to settle my kids squabbles (Not that they need it often). Because I feel people very seldom settle there own squabbles. If someone is treating you badly, breaking your stuff, calling you bad names, even hitting you. Would you handle that yourself? No depending on what is happening, and where you will either ask for help from friends, family, your boss, the police. Someone. If a friend comes to you and says there husband treats them the way your kids treat each other. Would you say, "Well talk it out between yourselves". No you would recommend counseling, or something. And kids do learn how to handle minor things. If for example every time youngest went into eldest room, and eldest says, "Please leave my room, I want to be alone" and youngest didn't listen. I would then be called and youngest would likely have to "Sorry" for not listening, and then get a lecture. So youngest eventually figures it out that it's easier to listen to his brother on the first request vs. having Mommy come up. Eldest also learns that if someone is not listening to you, and they should. You are welcome to call for help. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 Good luck Thanks, Chucki!!!! I love the practical suggestions for dealing with their feelings! That is what I am needing the most. They are not often without an adult nearby. They are just often in a different room. And, I DO think they love to aggravate each other for the pure pleasure of it! aggg! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 I also noticed a pattern of playing roughly which invariably turned to squabbling everyday, just before dh comes home/I'm fixing supper. I started enforcing an alone/quiet/reading time and small snack right about then every school day. That helped! Someone else mentioned something similar to this as well. I think I need to start taking mental notes to see if there is a pattern to when their fighting occurs. It might also give me some answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 Sorry, I'm reading out of order. I hope you don't mind me jumping in. I love it when you "jump in"!! I think I'm getting what you are saying. I am worrying about training adult behaviors with incidents that aren't likely to happen when they are adults. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 I suppose I am happy to settle my kids squabbles (Not that they need it often). Because I feel people very seldom settle there own squabbles. If someone is treating you badly, breaking your stuff, calling you bad names, even hitting you. Would you handle that yourself? No depending on what is happening, and where you will either ask for help from friends, family, your boss, the police. Someone. If a friend comes to you and says there husband treats them the way your kids treat each other. Would you say, "Well talk it out between yourselves". No you would recommend counseling, or something. And kids do learn how to handle minor things. If for example every time youngest went into eldest room, and eldest says, "Please leave my room, I want to be alone" and youngest didn't listen. I would then be called and youngest would likely have to "Sorry" for not listening, and then get a lecture. So youngest eventually figures it out that it's easier to listen to his brother on the first request vs. having Mommy come up. Eldest also learns that if someone is not listening to you, and they should. You are welcome to call for help. Wow! Very good points! Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted August 3, 2011 Author Share Posted August 3, 2011 Lots and lots of talking, modeling appropriate behavior, role playing is needed. It is exhausting, and I can only imagine how overwhelming it can be for those with more than one child. Something else that might help is more structured time instead of a lot of free time. I agree, but ***whew!**** and *sigh* - their free time = my free time. Sometimes I wish this parenting thing wasn't so gosh-darn-awful-time-consuming!!! ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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