WWYD: When Teens Do Wrong

[rwjx2khsmj]

WWYD if your teen spent the night with a friend and snuck out of the house to meet other friends. Alcohol and the opposite sex were involved. So was riding in a car with a teen driver. All are clear rule breakers in our home. When caught sneaking back in your teen lied and lied and lied until, twelve hours later the friend broke and your teen then confessed?

 

Would it make a difference if this was the second offense of a similar nature?

[ma23peas]

There would be serious repurcussions...not that our kids are horses, but I'll give you an example of horse training...it's all about being the leader...both the horse and the trainer vie for that position. The key is whatever they do...give 10% more pressure on your end....it's not about exploding and overacting, it's about firmly guiding them to the spot you need them.

 

I see his/her actions as a great deal of pressure..so your response needs to be 10% more than that.

 

I would call every parent that had a child involved in this and discuss it with them, have son apologize to them. Some parents may think 'no big deal, kids will be kids'...but it's important that ALL the kids know that at least one parent takes this seriously and will address it. It's important that he takes responsibility..not the flippant, "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" with a tinge of anger/frustration/in your face....it needs to be a heartfelt understanding of why those choices were wrong. That may take weeks to get him to understand.

 

I wouldn't harp harp harp..but I would take him by the police station and tell them what they did and ask to speak to a policeman who can tell him stories of kids who did just the same thing and how they ended up...the police stations usually keep a folder of horrific crash scenes. Facts are that our youth are more likely to die under the age of 18 from a car accident under circumstances like this.

 

I would set CLEAR rules as to if this ever happens again, xyz will be the consequences. Love your child, reinforce this is not about you against them, it's about you for them...

 

:grouphug:

[WishboneDawn]

I guess no more nights away or time alone with friends. Any friends would have to come over and stay in supervised areas of the house. No overnighters at all. Lots and lots of chores to keep him busy and give him lots of time to think about what he's done. Apologies to all adults involved whose trust he's broken.

 

ETA: Could he do up the list of those he needs to apologize to? Have him think of all those his behaviour affected. Who owns the place where they partied? The car they drove? How many people did they endanger legally and emotionally (leaving aside the teens that were physically present) with their actions?

Edited July 13, 2011 by WishboneDawn

[Orthodox6]

-

Edited July 13, 2011 by Orthodox6

[regentrude]

Your teen went, with your permission, to stay at a friend's house. The wrong behaviour derives, to some extent -- (I would say, to very great extent) -- from non-supervision by the hosting parents. Dealing with this may, of course, impact your future relations with those adults.

 

I respectfully disgree. I do not think one can expect the hosting parents to stay awake all night to prevent teenagers from sneaking out. That would be asking too much.

[KLinWI]

I can tell you what happened when I did this very thing 35 years ago.

We got busted walking back in the door. My friend's parents walked out of the darkness and my heart jumped into my throat. They sat us down and we got the lecture. Worry, danger, broken trust, dangled punishments. All of it.

Then they hugged and kissed their daughter and told her they loved her.

But here's what worked on me: Her DAD gave me a hug & kiss. And told me they wouldn't tell my parents unless I ever did it again. I was mortified! Other moms showing affection was one thing. But a DAD? euw!

I never did it again.

;)

[DebbS]

WWYD if your teen spent the night with a friend and snuck out of the house to meet other friends. Alcohol and the opposite sex were involved. So was riding in a car with a teen driver. All are clear rule breakers in our home. When caught sneaking back in your teen lied and lied and lied until, twelve hours later the friend broke and your teen then confessed?

 

Would it make a difference if this was the second offense of a similar nature?

 

Sounds like me when I was a teen. I think I would discuss the matter with the parents of the child that your teen spent the night with only so you know what their reaction is and if you want to give your permission for an overnight stay in the future. I would be careful not to come across as blaming though. Concerning the kids that they met with - I'd only deal with the parents if I already knew them on some level. Are these kids that your teen usually hangs out with or was this sort of an experimental thing for your teen and his/her friend? If this is your teens normal group, something needs to change in that area. If it was experimental, possibly you and the other parents can support each other in making sure this doesn't become their regular group of friends.

 

For you own teen, a painful punishment such as grounding for a long period of time might be in order. Something my parents did that I think is a really good idea, is to set down the rule about drinking/driving/riding as a non-negotiable. They told me that if I drove or rode with somebody who had been drinking, my teen-life would be essentially over - I'd be grounded until I left home. Now, if I called them to pick me up in such a situation, I would be likely be punished according to my own culpability, but there would be a chance that I would be able to have a life at some point. I had to call them once when I was 17 and my parents kept their word.

[Jonibee]

There would be serious repurcussions...not that our kids are horses, but I'll give you an example of horse training...it's all about being the leader...both the horse and the trainer vie for that position. The key is whatever they do...give 10% more pressure on your end....it's not about exploding and overacting, it's about firmly guiding them to the spot you need them.

 

I see his/her actions as a great deal of pressure..so your response needs to be 10% more than that.

 

I would call every parent that had a child involved in this and discuss it with them, have son apologize to them. Some parents may think 'no big deal, kids will be kids'...but it's important that ALL the kids know that at least one parent takes this seriously and will address it. It's important that he takes responsibility..not the flippant, "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" with a tinge of anger/frustration/in your face....it needs to be a heartfelt understanding of why those choices were wrong. That may take weeks to get him to understand.

 

I wouldn't harp harp harp..but I would take him by the police station and tell them what they did and ask to speak to a policeman who can tell him stories of kids who did just the same thing and how they ended up...the police stations usually keep a folder of horrific crash scenes. Facts are that our youth are more likely to die under the age of 18 from a car accident under circumstances like this.

 

I would set CLEAR rules as to if this ever happens again, xyz will be the consequences. Love your child, reinforce this is not about you against them, it's about you for them...

 

:grouphug:

 

I agree with this. I personally would probably not approach "if this ever happens again" because I would make sure my child knew that while they are at home, this must never happen again. There have been many times where we have changed something we used to allow to a new rule that changes forever. (For example, in our home we do not ever have the TV or computer on for "fun use" until after 5 p.m. Ever. We just don't.) It wasn't always that way, but now it is and the rule stands. It is pretty non-negotiable, unless someone is sick. Then we bend.

 

I would make a new rule (and we have this rule) that there are just no, none, nada spend-the-nights-with friends. Ever. Again. For any of my kids. The risk is too great. Sure, we have had to bend when Dad was in the hospital 3 hours away, or when a snowstorm made my child stranded at a friend's house. But it is not something we normally allow. And we used to. But one day we just decided the risk is too great.

 

I would tell your child that the risk is too great. You are not punishing so much as protecting. These behaviors -- if ever appropriate -- can be their choice when they are adult age. Right now, jail time is a possibility, addictions or worse. Right now God has put you responsible for what this child is allowed to do.

 

I realize there is so much more going on that what you have posted here. Lying is the worst, IMO. I have cried in front of my kids when they have lied to me and told them that God hates a liar more than anything -- Satan is the father of lies -- and that it breaks my heart to see them be against God in this way.

 

Try to not blame yourself. In all our failings, it is still our kids who make choices for themselves. If I were in your situation, I would realize perhaps, how much our relationship has broken down into my child having to lie to me because of his choices. In addition to whatever you stop your child FROM doing as part of his "punishment," please also spend an equal amount of time trying to repair the relationship -- talking, working, playing and being together.

 

I am praying for you today.

[regentrude]

For you own teen, a painful punishment such as grounding for a long period of time might be in order. Something my parents did that I think is a really good idea, is to set down the rule about drinking/driving/riding as a non-negotiable. They told me that if I drove or rode with somebody who had been drinking, my teen-life would be essentially over - I'd be grounded until I left home. Now, if I called them to pick me up in such a situation, I would be likely be punished according to my own culpability, but there would be a chance that I would be able to have a life at some point. I had to call them once when I was 17 and my parents kept their word.

 

That is pretty much what I would do. No overnights for a while.

But MUCH more important would be to talk about the consequences of drinking and driving - to me, that would be by far the biggest issue of the whole thing, and my primary goal would be to prevent THIS from happening again. And I think that insight might be more powerful than punishment.

 

We have a policy that they can always blame us, their parents, if their friends pressure them to do something they know they should not do. It is incrediby hard for a teen to resist peer pressure - so, if it helps my kid, she can tell her friends "my parents would kill me" or something like this. I do not have to be liked by my kids' friends. We also would drive in the middle of the night to pick them up if they found themselves in a situation with unsafe drivers- without penalty.

[butterflymommy]

It depends on the age of the teen-- is this the 14 y.o. in your sig? I agree with orthodox (I know she deleted her post but saw the quote). There is responsibility with the hosting family-- whether they care or not, I don't know. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it with the parents, but I would not be letting my kids over there again, if at all possible. 14 (if this is the 14 y.o.) is young to be drinking-- I know a lot of kids do it, I'm not naive. But it doesn't *have* to be your child and you do have the right and duty to try to control it. Personally I have always been uneasy about sleepovers, even for older kids, because stuff like this can happen so easily, even without sneaking out. So without knowing more details, and if this were my teen, I would definitely stop sleepovers-- anywhere-- and both my husband and I would talk very seriously to the child about the dangers of drinking, remind them that they are breaking the law, etc.. Both my husband and I have alcoholics in our families going back generations so we are a "dry" family and have always taught our kids not to drink, period. Of course other families are different, and one drink at age 14 does not an alcoholic make, but this is how we would react.

[DebbS]

ETA: Could he do up the list of those he needs to apologize to? Have him think of all those his behaviour affected. Who owns the place where they partied? The car they drove? How many people did they endanger legally and emotionally (leaving aside the teens that were physically present) with their actions?

 

:iagree:

 

This is a really good idea. As I stated in my last post, I was a teen who did this kind of thing. I am still a person who is willing to take risks, but to balance that out, I also determine if I'm willing to take on the worst case scenario if things don't work out so well. Especially for a teen who enjoys living on the edge, it's important that they learn to properly evaluate the cost of their actions. The tendency to take risks, as long as they are well evaluated, can end up being a strength.

[Anne]

If this is this child's second offense, then it sounds like a bigger pattern problem.

 

I was this kid - I was rebellious & sneaky and got into more trouble than I care to remember. :tongue_smilie: And the

 

In addition to the consequences for this offense (and I would absolutely impose serious consequences!!), I would try to change the child's world in some way - get them involved in something new, improve my relationship with the child, expand his horizons in some way. Maybe some kind of community service, a new hobby or passion, something like that. My goal would be to help the child replace this interest in forbidden activities with a positive activity - to re-route him away from his current path and on to a new direction.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: - I know this is hard!!

 

Anne

[Starr]

You know it won't be fun or easy but the friend routine has got to change. It sounds like a lot of time with mom and dad to me.

[Jonibee]

Would it make a difference if this was the second offense of a similar nature?

 

 

Yes, it would make a difference to me.

 

Twice is a far more serious offense. Twice says this was not just a consequence of "me being in the wrong place and the wrong time and caving in to peer pressure."

 

Twice would mean I have to double my efforts to reconnect with everything that is good with this child and make every effort to find good for this child. Other relationships in my family would probably suffer for all the time I would be investing is remaking my relationship right with this child. I would tell my child he is worth my time.

[Susan C.]

We have a standing offer with our two that we will pick them up for any reason if they need it. That way they don't feel they have to go along with a crowd. But, we also let ds have the car whenever I can live without it so he can leave if he wants (he is college aged). And, we allow them to have friends over, even if its late (and with parent's ok) and I drive kids home if needed.

 

I think its very important to be involved and there and not be too busy doing your own thing that you don't keep tabs on them. Yeah, I get tired, but I always know where they are and am available if they need an adult.

[creekland]

No advice from here, but :grouphug:. Teens are notorious for not thinking through their actions.

 

Yes, I'd do something. I'd probably be reading suggestions from those who have BTDT on here.

 

:grouphug:

[Julie in MN]

WWYD if your teen spent the night with a friend and snuck out of the house to meet other friends. Alcohol and the opposite sex were involved. So was riding in a car with a teen driver. All are clear rule breakers in our home. When caught sneaking back in your teen lied and lied and lied until, twelve hours later the friend broke and your teen then confessed?

 

Would it make a difference if this was the second offense of a similar nature?

 

I think everything depends. Maybe that's wishy-washy, but that's life, I think.

 

As for being the second offense, it depends on how the first offense was handled.

 

As for the other parents, it depends on what else you know about them. I might well decide not to allow much time over there if those parents already raised a big question mark over my head, but not if I knew them and felt comfortable with them. If I didn't know them either way, then I'd take it upon myself to get to know them. Their child is in my child's life already.

 

My basic attitude with teens is to force them to prove they can follow my rules, then let out the reigns a bit, and see how they do. If they don't do well, then I explain that we need to pull back because they are heading for danger (I've been known to cry while telling them this, because the danger is real).

 

If he's only 14, then the danger is even greater. Plus there's a legal curfew in my city, and *I* am the one who could go to jail on that!

 

So I'd go back to rule one with him -- at my house, rule one is "I must know where you are at all times." The child is responsible to tell me where he is, each time he changes locations, no matter how small, how hard it is to reach me, etc. If he is not mature enough to handle that, then I must keep him where I can see him, because then I'll know where he is :)

 

Now I think for this kind of a rule to really work, it requires a parent who is willing to "know" and yet not "judge" to at least some degree, or at least to talk and not go straight to screaming :tongue_smilie: As the child proves he is at least responsible enough to follow rule one, I try to gradually to let go and just give advice, offer help, answer his late night calls, but let the child make decisions. My goal is to be included in the decisions now, and to have children who stop and think once they are on their own.

 

That said, there are some children who are just difficult to parent. With them, just keep doing what you know is right and that's all you can do.

 

Julie

Edited July 13, 2011 by Julie in MN

[smillard00]

If this is the second offense, then I think it is important to begin with what you said the first time they did it. Did you lay out any consequences for a second offense? If you did, you have to follow through there.

 

My kids know that lying is a huge issue and that would be the bigger problem I would probably zone in on here. Yes, we would talk about the things that could have happened with the drinking and the driving and the sneaking around. But I would have the biggest problem with the breach of trust caused by them lying about where they would be and then lying about what they did. When we have a breach of trust, then everything gets a lot more restrictive. If I can't trust him to be where he is supposed to be and to follow the rules and to tell the truth when he messes up, then he is going to have to spend a lot more time with us so we can work on those behaviors and build trust again.

[tex-mex]

I respectfully disgree. I do not think one can expect the hosting parents to stay awake all night to prevent teenagers from sneaking out. That would be asking too much.

Um, I gotta go with Regentrude on this one.

 

Better to experience a learning situation now while the teen is in the home versus dorm life at college, kwim? And I liked the other poster who suggested not to freak out emotionally, but like guiding a horse, be calm and teach them why this episode could have ended dangerously. It happens.

[tex-mex]

No advice from here, but :grouphug:. Teens are notorious for not thinking through their actions.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Teachin'Mine]

Sounds to me like he or she has lost the privilege of staying overnight at friends. During the day visits would be out of the question for a short time as well - IOW he or she would be grounded. Along with privileges comes responsibility and accountability. If this is a 14 yo we're talking about, then the issue of alcohol use would be addressed as well. :grouphug:

[rwjx2khsmj]

Thanks for all the responses. I posted and my computer promptly crashed.

 

The last time (just over a year ago) my 13 year old spent the night with a friend, they snuck out and went to the house of an acquaintance. They snuck into that house. The two teens were picked up by the police as they were walking back to the friend's house (just over 2 miles) at 2am.

 

The consequences of that episode, in addition to the police escort home, were apologizing to all the parents involved, including the mother that had NO clue her child had been entertaining while she was asleep. Writing a research paper detailing the possible consequences of the behavior. Becoming my shadow for about 2 months. No sleepovers for about 4 months.

 

This time we are in a new area and don't know the other families involved. (We moved in January.) We did talk to the parents that we knew. My teen apologized to all. My teen has lost phone and computer indefinitely. We have instituted a no sleepover policy. We have talked and talked about expectations, concerns, issues with alcohol, etc. My teen is currently my shadow and will remain in that position for a long, long time. We are still discussing homeschooling again. When we moved, we enrolled our teen in public school because of the school system.

 

All of your suggestions and perspectives are very appreciated. I guess it's true what my mom has said for years. As the children get bigger, so do the problems.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

when things go off the rails here, we up the physical activity a ton, and also get them up early.... :grouphug::grouphug:

 

eg. 6 am in the morning. they go "no media" and lots and lots of outdoor time. here that looks like walking the dog, removing brush from around the house, cleaning the chicken coop, etc, etc.

 

maybe your new place needs a patio? could he design it and implement the design? or maybe the house needs painting.

 

i'd also work on impulse control....

 

:grouphug:

he's lucky to have you,

ann

[rwjx2khsmj]

Thanks for the hugs and support.

Last week we spent the week washing the outside of the house, porches and decks. This week we are stripping wallpaper, painting a bedroom and the bedroom furniture.

Getting up early and working hard will, hopefully, drain the energy that was used for trouble.

[Teachin'Mine]

Good job! Nice to hear such a great update. :)

 

Might also be a good time to start thinking on what activity or activities he could become involved in in the fall. It would be great to channel some of his energy into a hobby or interest or volunteer work too - ones which are closely supervised by adults.