AlmiraGulch Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 A couple of things happened this weekend that made me wonder why I continue to allow myself to be disappointed by my family. First was with my sister. She and I have quite a history, usually close but there was an incident I won't go into here that most people would never forgive. I chose to. One of my other sisters will not even speak to this one (T.) because of it, and it was years ago. At any rate, I organized a surprised 40th birthday party for her 12 or so years ago, and then she and I did the same for one of our other sisters 5 or six years ago. It's my turn this year, and it never really occurred to me that anyone would do the same for me because I've made it pretty clear I don't like that sort of thing. I don't enjoy being the center of attention and I have this paranoia about no one showing up and my being embarrassed. Saturday night I was out with T. and her boyfriend listening to my fiancee's band play. We were in a LOUD bar, and she decided for some reason to tell me that she and my sister B. were trying to organize a surprise 40th for me. She said that B wants to do it in October so I wouldn't be so suspicious (my birthday is in November) and then she proceeded to tell me that she doesn't know if she can even do it then because she thinks she's probably going to go visit her ex mother-in-law that month, and I travel for work a lot and she doesn't know my work schedule, and she doesn't know all of my friends and wouldn't know who to invite anyway. Then she says that maybe she would still do it then if I could give her a guest list. For my SURPRISE birthday party. Seriously, what is wrong with people?!? Why would she tell me at all? Why would she pick that venue to discuss it? And if she was going to do it even though I've said for years I don't want it, why would she ruin it by telling me, asking me to participate, and making it seem like such a hassle? I realize it was LOUD and maybe I misunderstood the tone, but really? I'm hurt by this. She told me not to tell B that she told me. I didn't, but I told another sister, K, who is livid (she knew about it, too) and IS going to tell B. So there will probably be a fight and I'll be in the middle, for an event that I wasn't even supposed to know about. I'm ticked, and I'm hurt. Then yesterday I finally decided to tell my parents I'm engaged. My mother's response? "Why?" My father said "I thought at least one of my kids had some sense" and "You're just doing it because your sister is." Yes, dad, I worship my sister so much that I had to run out and find another husband, just because she did. WTH? Are these people for real? Even if they aren't happy for me and don't support me (and they have no reason not to be either of those things) couldn't they at least pretend to be?? Whose parents act that way? Meanwhile, I just got a note on Facebook from the wife of my fiancee's best friend, neither of whom I've even met yet, telling me that they're so excited to meet me and wishing us both all the happiness in the world. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 hugs. I have horrible family both my mom & dad's sides...sometimes you can't make it up. maybe you can join your fiance's best friends-wife's family? Sometimes we can create our own supportive family, I think. the whole ordeal stinks, you deserved better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Thanks for that. It really does stink, and yeah....I think I deserve better. And yes, this post was a giant vent and, I must admit, a bit of a pity party. On a better note, his mother and father are lovely, and so are his close friends. I'm thrilled to have that to look forward to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 hugs. I have horrible family both my mom & dad's sides...sometimes you can't make it up. maybe you can join your fiance's best friends-wife's family? Sometimes we can create our own supportive family, I think. the whole ordeal stinks, you deserved better. :iagree: lol, I 'divorced' my birth family a long time ago. I am still close with ex-husband's family and I just love my current husband's family. Weird, isn't it? Sounds like you are finding your way into a great family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 On the bright side, we *can* choose who to spend time, love, and energy on every day of our life. My fiancé had a similar response about our engagement from his mom. He informed her she would be gracious and pleasant if she wanted to participate in our life. It's all good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 OP, so how did you find a fiance so fast and get him to propose just because your sister did? Website? Jealous sister fiance store? Eeep. I hope your new family fulfills your need for family much better than your "real" family does. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Once I realized that parts of my family could star on the Jerry Springer show (as could people in everybody's families, for the most part), it made me able to see situations w/ humor & less hurt. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Engaged, eh? Sounds like you are picking your family. :) Congratulations :D A pox on your "surprise party," go on a honeymoon instead. ;) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I feel your pain. I just told my mother to piss off. :001_smile: It felt really good. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 OP, so how did you find a fiance so fast and get him to propose just because your sister did? Website? Jealous sister fiance store? Yes! That's EXACTLY what I did. Is that so wrong? :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 OP, so how did you find a fiance so fast and get him to propose just because your sister did? Website? Jealous sister fiance store? Yes! That's EXACTLY what I did. Is that so wrong? :D :smilielol5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 At least you're still on speaking terms, we haven't spoken to my DH's parents since we got married. Life has actually been easier and less stressful for DH. I'm not suggesting you follow suit, but standing up and speaking your "piece" feels very good. If spoken in a kind but strong voice, it might actually accomplish something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 At least you're still on speaking terms, we haven't spoken to my DH's parents since we got married. Life has actually been easier and less stressful for DH. I'm not suggesting you follow suit, but standing up and speaking your "piece" feels very good. If spoken in a kind but strong voice, it might actually accomplish something. I wish it would, but....no. I've seen it already with others. My father and my sister didn't speak for 15 or 20 years and I'm not willing to do that. My father and my brother still don't speak. It's sad to me. I just need to learn to redefine my relationship with these people. I've been successful doing it with friends but not so much with my family. It's time I learn how to do that. They are what they are, and not necessarily (understatement of the century) what I would like for them to be. It doesn't mean they have no redeeming qualities, but I have got to figure out a way to stop expecting, even if it's buried deep down in the vulnerable place I hate to admit even exists, something more than I know they will give. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Maybe she wanted to give you fair warning, in hopes that you'd be OK with it if it wasn't a surprise. My SIL did this--her husband hates the very idea of surprise parties, but all his friends wanted to throw him one. So she just told him all about it, and the friends were happy and never knew, and he was happy because it wasn't a surprise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) Yes! That's EXACTLY what I did. Is that so wrong? :D I knew it! You went to www.youmustmarrymenowbecausemyjerkofasisterisgettingmarriedsoon.com didn't you?? You are evil. Pure evil. :D My opinion is, that if you are not going to write these people out of your life forever, make fun of their insanity/stupidity. Then again my personal motto is, if you can't join them, make fun of them until you laugh maniacally so you can take or leave my advice!!! :grouphug: Edited July 12, 2011 by Jennifer3141 Because I'm laughing at the hyperlinking... lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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