Mariam Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Well this 9 year old kid, (used to be my neighbor) always somehow manages to say mean things to my kids. Since they've moved we don't interact much but even when we do (once a month or recent once in three months) she initially plays nice with my kids (6 and 5) but then somehow manages to say something mean or bully them somehow every single time. Well the most recent incident is when as we were leaving she asked my girls if they knew who she likes most and my 6 year old answers her 5 yr old sister and the 9 yr old says yes and I look at my 6 year old and her face just got so small :sad: but then thankfully her mother overheard and for once stepped in and said something in her language (they speak a language I do no understand) and then the 9 yr old says "oh ok I like both of you" SO my concern is what should I do. A part of me thinks that my kids will eventually toughen up and learn how to deal with the world and not let the world walk all over them, but part of me (the part thats scared they might turn out like me which is passive aggressive) needs to know if there is something I can do to not let these things affect them. My girls don't have a lot of friends and the ones that they do are tweens who obviously want to hang out with their age group. So the basic scenario of our social life is that we "need" our friends but our friends don't really "need" us. Am I getting too confusing? My main concern is to just raise strong personalities that dont need validation from others to feel good about themselves. I tend to need that most times so I dont want my girls to turn out like me. If someone wasn't nice to me i'd take it politely but then of course it angers me but I internalize it and spend days or even weeks affected by it. Which I know is ridiculous but thats how I am , sometimes. Anyway , so any advice from you mothers out there? I am trying so hard to socialize and try to join homeschool groups and go on field trips with them so my girls can find a few "friends" but it is very hard.... we just end up making acquaintances not "friends". How do you make friends anymore? It just seemed so easy when I was in college myself but now I sometimes feel I may be lacking some serious social skills to be in this position. We've joined this homeschool group and their activities are sometimes a 45 min ride or even and hour ride away from where we live but I try to make it with my 7 mos old and my two yr old just so my 5 and 6 yr old can be around kids and somehow click but when we get to these trips most times we don't even get a smile from a few of the parents. There is just the moderators of the group who seem nice so I continue to go to these trips with them hoping that eventually people will warm up to us and let us "in". So again am I trying too hard to provide a social life for my kids? Am I doing something wrong? Thanks in advance for reading this long post and replying! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Here's my 2 cents FWIW: I think that you're really right about trying to find them more friends, especially closer to their ages. I've also had a hard time making friends at "events". It has been easier for us at things like: scouts, church groups, and classes/sports/dance that meet regularly while the parents chat-- that way you get to know families about the same age, and see them regularly, which you don't get to do when it is infrequent events that draw people from a large geographical area. And, my kids are about the same age as yours, so I don't know too much about 9-12 yrs olds, but don't girls go through a "mean girl" stage then? So, I would try to toughen up my kids by reinforcing to them that the girl behaved rudely and unkindly. That she was really mean when she said that, we don't talk like that in our family, and you two are great kids no matter what anyone says. That said, I wouldn't go out of my way to associate with that family much! HTH! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I have absolutely no problem at that age with stepping in and saying, "That was not a nice thing to say." Usually, I've found that kids will then apologize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saujana Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Unfortunately, I am just like you... I am not good in handling rude situations and felt angry for days after that. Does the 9 years old do all these out of bad intentions? Or just oblivious? We do have many acquaintances but no close friends. Then someone told me that my kids are blessed to have each other, friends come and go, but families are forever. Don't give up in searching for new friendships. But on the other hand, don't forget to enjoy whatever you are blessed with. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Then someone told me that my kids are blessed to have each other, friends come and go, but families are forever. Don't give up in searching for new friendships. But on the other hand, don't forget to enjoy whatever you are blessed with. :grouphug: DD is still just a year old, but yes developing friends is hard. One thing I have found as an adult which is true for both dh and I is that are closest friends on not our siblings. We are both so different in values and beliefs than our siblings. We talk to them once a week or so, but it isn't a deep relationship. We have some close friends even though we don't talk to them nearly as often that we get along with so much better. When we do get together or talk it is very easy to pick up where we left off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 :grouphug: When DS12 and DS10 were the age your girls are we spent a lot of time and energy seeking out friends: arranging playdates, parties for birthdays, halloween, Christmas, Easter, all kinds of after school activities, and they were in school too. They made lots of friends. None of those friendships have lasted much. DS12 and DS10 are still each others' best friends. Your girls are lucky to be so close in age, and hopefully will be good friends to each other, at least you have more control over the way they treat each other. As you're seeking out more social opportunities for your girls you have more chance to try out some different ways of handling conflict yourself. If you're unhappy with your passive-aggressive responses to conflict, then maybe you could find out about, and practice, other more helpful responses - hopefully someone here might be able to point you in the direction of some helpful book or program. Changing our behaviour can be difficult and challenging, but in your case it sounds as though you're ready to face such a challenge. The lessons your daughters will learn from observing how you handle such situations will be the most powerful lessons they're likely to learn. Lastly, don't ever give up :001_smile:. I know well how difficult it can be to keep approaching people, smiling, being friendly and to meet with a lukewarm response at best, and downright rudeness at worst. BTDT. I have, however, over the years made some good friends from some of the most unpromising of starts. Perseverence, my friend :001_smile:. :grouphug: and best wishes Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Peach Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I agree that it is difficult to make friends. One suggestion I had for you is to get your girls involved in something they enjoy (soccer, basketball, gymnastics, ballet, swimming, art classes, music classes, etc) and maybe they will make friends closer to their own ages and with similar interests. Also, my kids have been in the situation you described with "mean kids" (for lack of a better term) before and what I have done is to sit them down and talk about how true friends act together. True friends do not say or do mean things to each other. As they have grown older, they are now able to distinguish between true friends and acquaintances. And they understand how they are supposed to act to be a true friend to others. Of course, they are to be kind to everyone, but they do not have to keep purposely socializing with kids that are mean to them. Hang in there! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mariam Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Does the 9 years old do all these out of bad intentions? Or just oblivious?:grouphug: I am hoping she is oblivious of this action. She is bully by nature though, but im assuming that because she is the oldest and has younger siblings that are boys so she needs to be to deal with them. My girls have often complained of her being mean to them, and I did gradually try to lessen contact with the family but since we have very few options of socializing, we did go to this once a month meet for all girls and moms to do crafts and hang out together. That meeting idea also has probably fizzled out and wont happen next school year, so i'm hoping even more to join a coop or something so my kids meet other kids their age and dont just feel sad that their older nicer friends didnt play with them because they found other friends. They need to learn that its ok for their friends to play with others and hopefully will learn that maybe all ages can play together i.e. if the older girls allow them to, and if not possible then they need to not take it to heart and not be waiting on the sidelines for their friends to be free to now play with them . :( You know this is the hardest part of parenting for me! Protecting your child from hurting, how do you do that? because you cant always be successful. I think thats what happened this past weekend is when their older friends found other friends then my girls played with the 9 year old and then got burned. :/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I'd limit contact. When contact happens, I'd step in immediately, advocating for your kids *and* teaching the 9 year old it's not ok to abuse her power. She's significantly older (given the developmental capacities of the ages involved) and has a predisposition towards bossy. I'd be firm, give *one* chance, and if she blows it, remove your kids. I think the firm, direct approach is best: "I heard that and it was rude." "That was unkind. Try again." "Stop that or the play ends." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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